Bloody guilt!

[Winona45]

I've recently ended a 20+ year marriage.
We had drifted apart massively, he hadnt worked in 15 year's due to chronic illness. We weren't a couple, i did everything alone including holidays with the kids. I also worked full-time and did everything at home.
He's also recently suffered with severe paranoia and mental health issues. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had enough and asked him to leave.

6 weeks later he's still devastated. Still phoning and texting, asking to come home. Very sad and often angry about his future , lack of prospects and not being with the kids. He wants to come home.

My problem is i feel SO so guilty. He doesnt work due to his illness so i feel like not only have i ended the marriage I've also taken the home and the kids leaving him with nothing.
I work and pay for everything so technically that's right but i feel dreadful. We rent so there's no mortgage involved.
I feel so stuck. He's so sad. Declaring love for me and making promises. I feel like i should just give in to make life easier and stop this guilt .
How do i move forward?
Im 46 what if im making a terrible mistake?

Thank you for all your ongoing advice everyone i revisit the thread often.

Im off today for a xmas shopping day and finding it so difficult.
I would always have shopped alone anyway, he never came, but he would have been on the end of a phone for me to tslk to or ask questions.
He loved xmas and was obsessed with lights, always insisting i buy more

Im really struggling. This is much more emotional and difficult then i ever imagined. At this time of year all i can remember is the good stuff.

Although he sent quite a few texts in the week saying he will never ever forgive me for removing me from his sons life.
He said i had killed any love and he hoped that the grass really is greener as i have to live with the fallout from my decision for the rest of my life.

I feel literally weighted with guilt most days.

Ffs. What is wrong with me....

Op you really need to block him. This contact is stopping you seeing the reality of the situation. He is sending you his perception. That’s not the reality.

Make a new email address just for him or get a cheaper burner phone just for him. Then block on all other forms of communication

You deserve to be happy and so do your kids. Wishing you well

just a thought but now is the time for you and your dc to start new Christmas traditions.
plan a couple of things that you would both enjoy.

He is a manipulator, don't fall for it. He is guilt tripping you, don't let him. The brain is a strange thing and will easily be brain washed with what is not true. Distance yourself from life with him and concentrate on moving forward without him. Don't let him influence you. Trust you have made the right decision.

You were conditioned to feel guilt for independently making decisions and to live for his rare praise and criticism. You were controlled and coerced to feel dependent and not an autonomous adult whose opinions and feelings mattered. Please seek counseling via woman's aid

Why on earth have you not blocked him? He is emotional abusing you and from the sounds of it, the kids too. You need to get a grip of the situation, you are letting him control you emotionally from a far. You do not have to engage in any of this. The only way you can move on is block him and start living your life. You are not responsible for him, you are not responsible for him, you are not responsible for him... You can do this. X

Can you reach out to your counsellor or a good friend for support? This man is continuing to treat your appallingly. Surely he just continues to confirm that you've done the right thing because he's not shown any motivation to change or improve his life and he continues to be a hindrance not a help. Leave him to it and go and live your life. Think of the things you had to let go of because you were carrying his dead weight and go take up a course, have a night out, do yoga or whatever else it is you fancy.

Well oddly he IS trying to improve things, for himself anyway.
He has ordered an expensive weights bench, a punch bag, new clothes, new trainers, teeth whitening kits the list goes on.
This is all apparently in a bid to move on and meet someone else.

He has told me in no uncertain terms that this isnt what he wants to do, its what I have driven him to.
It fills me with disbelief that he is doing all this and spending all that money when he could be using the energies and cash to see his children !
He is just terrified of being alone !
I couldnt even comprehend a new relationship while I am this much of an emotional mess !

So he couldn't work, do house work or even childcare but now he can exercise, train and lift weights??

Op of all these texts he has sent you how many have consisted of him taking any responsibility at all??

@Winona45 I've just read all your thread and can only offer my heartfelt sympathies for what you are going through. My marriage broke up after 20 years too and although my ex didn't have the issues that yours does, it was still very hard. He moved into a flat, I moved into a smaller house with the kids (all teenagers at that point) and because we were amicable, no one else involved etc I spent a lot of time worrying whether he was OK. It took him saying "well I miss the children but I don't miss the dogs..........or you" after about 2 months to realise that he was already single in his head. There was no going back. Although I didn't object to splitting up it felt wrong that we hadn't tried counselling but tbh I think the end result would have been the same as neither of us were prepared to put the effort into changing to be what the other needed us to be.

Your ex is, in his head, the victim. BUT he isn't prepared to do anything to stop him being so and that is NOT your responsibility. It is up to HIM to see the children - you are doing the right thing telling them to communicate with him. Whether he's terrified of being alone or not, its not your problem. You've carried him for over 15 years and now he's throwing it in your face - the man you fell for all those years ago won't be coming back. This is the man of now and he's not willing to help himself.

Don't rush yourself to move into another relationship. It took me 18 months to feel ready to date again (he was dating within 6 months! ) and nearly a year before I felt ready to socialise with anyone!

You would get over all this far ore quickly if you blocked him from texting you and your children - email only as suggested by the poster above.

If you don't want to do that, ask yourself why you don't.

You are still enmeshed with him because you have no boundaries with him - not unusual following a relationship with a manipulator.

You haven't ended that relationship, you are just continuing it through the form of text messaging.

End it properly, or get real with yourself about why you won't.

💐 well done, stay strong

Well Ive taken your advice and blocked him.
Ive given him the number of a cheap phone that I check once a day.

I asked him if he intended seeing DD2 at the weekend as its her birthday, I text him on sunday.
I checked the phone today to find the oddest text messages.
He wont be seeing DD as she hasnt called him in over a week, but he will put money in her account, and then him just threatening violence against people in my local area that he perceives have done him wrong. He then goes on to state he will be seeking custody of my son ( !) if I dont adhere to his wishes and make sure I dont speak to these people ??

Honestly, the texts are unhinged.
They actually scare me a little.

Do you still love him? If so then he needs to prove he can change.
Ask him to run an errand for you.
See how willing he is to change?
If not then stop all communication with him.
Feeling guilty is just an emotion.
It is not enough to take him back.

Just read your update OP. Sorry you are going through this.

Oh op. I’m glad you’ve limited the communication. You can’t help him, you weren’t helping him before you were just enabling him. You and the dc deserve some freedom.

Yes - he is totally unhinged.
And still trying to control you.
Even who you are allowed to interact with.
He doesn't want custody of his son.
Another controlling, manipulation tactic to bring you back in line!
What a tosser he is.
Ignore his rambling bollox.
Keep all of his text messages.
The fact he would even consider splitting up siblings just shows you exactly who he is.
This is still all about HIM and what HE wants.
I hope you are finding your anger OP!

Illness is no excuse for being a nasty arsehole, why couldn’t he for instance have done a bit of cabbying?? He is a user whose lost his cash cow , please don’t feel guilty

Just because you feel guilty it doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do. Guilt is something we feel to reassure us we're not a bad person. It's a normal reaction to hurting someone.

I have had such incredible advice on this thread I almost feel guilty by keeping on posting.
But I am struggling. I feel so much worse then I did at the start. Everyday seems to get worse.
He has told the dc he isnt celebrting christmas as he has nothing to live for and is alone. He has said there will be no tree, or decorations and the lights and tv will be off. He said this to them.
To me he has has said that I have killed christmas and birthdays for him for ever more and that he has nothing left becuase of me.
The weight of the guilt is massive for me.
I have attended counselling for the last 3 months weekly, I have spoken to a really good patient friend for hours and hours and it just doesnt get better.
I feel SO responsible for his misery and unhappiness. Despite knowing that the way he is interacting with the dc is srong, despite knowing that he is responsible for himself and that he is choosing to wallow I still CANNOT stop feeling sick and miserable about how shit he feels.
Last night I even considered calling him and telling him to come home. I convinced myself that it wasnt so bad, I could live like that, Im 45 now anyway so I might as well just get on with it etc and he would be so much happier.
But I cant. My DC have been treated so badly and I dont think they even want him home anymore.

I have never felt so low in my life, I just cant see how I can feel better and I have had enough.

Have you seen your GP?
Have they recommended medication?
I really think you need to look into that side of it.
He's a selfish, abusive, nasty pig and you shouldn't be feeling like this.
Maybe a helping hand for a few months will help get your chemical balance back on track???

OP, you sound so worn down and exhausted. I wonder whether it would be an idea to see your GP for some support, perhaps medication, to get you through these desperate times. It can help dramatically and doesn’t have to be forever.

Is the counselling feeling effective for you? Sometimes a change in practitioner is necessary if things are becoming a bit stuck and less helpful.

You have done the right thing and you must continue to prioritise yourself, and protect your children from his outbursts. Feel no guilt for blocking his number while he is behaved so erratically. I don’t think it would be excessive to ask the police to have a word with him about his conduct.

I really hope things settle down and improve for you very soon.

Plenty of ME sufferers lead active lives and shoulder their responsibilities effectively.

While I agree the OPs ex sounds to be taking advantage of the situation this is not a fair statement. Most people with ME never regain the active lifestyles they had before becoming ill. It is a small minority who recover, most are left affected to a significant degree. See the nice guidelines for further details.

I havent seen my GP no.
I am considering it.
I have nothing left to lose.

I know he is being selfish and I know he is miserable.
There must be something wrong with me !
I am questioning my motives, I am constantly thinking Well I feel terrible without him, I must still love him !
FFS....

OP, with kindness, you are giving him control over your life and emotions. You've been brave in getting him out of you and your DC's home and keeping him off your main phone.

Now, you have to mentally detach. He is NOT your problem to solve. HIs MH issues are HIS to address.

He is a large part of your PAST. Don't let him ruin your future.

Op , he is responsible for his future. Blaming you is abusive behaviour , trying to blackmail you into taking i hi m back. You have 1 life , please live it the way you want. You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. It was bound to be hard , in the nicest way didn't you realise it was going to be ? You have to be strong and brave to have a better life. He will get over it. But the way he is behaving , making you and the kids feel guilty is abusive xx