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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up support thread 2

999 replies

Jonsnowsghost · 21/08/2019 21:16

Carrying on the supportive previous thread that ran out of space!
@herbsmokedchicken definitely that, although I wouldn't as I'm not a cheat....

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9
herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 10:45

Haha yes that’s occurred to me, I’d be cringing! If he were to find this thread somehow, he’d def know it was me (he knows about MN), I haven’t said anything majorly outing but anyone close to me would know this was me.

Added to my text that I won’t send yesterday. My hope is that in a year I’ll suddenly see it buried down under all the notes I’ve made since and be like wow remember when I was so heartbroken. I really hope I’m not still adding to it at that point haha

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 11:24

I just feel so down all the time, really melancholy. I miss him so much and just want to talk to him but I know he must be so happy now :(

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herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 11:35

It’s horrible isn’t it, I find I don’t have the constant feeling of sadness anymore but I still feel sad a lot of the time, I still think about him so much.

herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 12:34

Oh I’m such a tit, just let myself have a whole daydream about us getting back together, now I’m feeling all positive except of course it wasn’t real and is not going to happen so that’s gonna be a fun crash

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 13:27

No more whatsapp stalking, I can't bear the thought of him talking to her all day. I hate that I feel like this whilst he gets to be fine, I know I keep going on but I can't stop thinking about how much happier he probably is now and it makes me so sad

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herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 13:58

That’s a good idea, I need to stop too. I can tell just enough from it to get an idea of what he’s doing but not enough to get a full picture and either way, it’s not healthy.

Yeah it’s a horrible thought eh, I know he’s probably not with anyone but the fact that being alone is preferable to being with me bloody stings. I hate the thought that he is basically fine now (I would expect) and I’m still in so much pain.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 14:34

That's it, I have a pretty good idea on what he's doing based on WhatsApp, as he was the same with me (I.e. online loads when not physically with me, not online at all/very little when with me) because he doesn't talk to that many people on whatsapp but on the other hand I can't know that fully. And it is unhealthy to be constantly checking. It just feels like a connection still so it's a hard habit to break. I'd been doing so well with not checking!

It's the odd facebook behaviour that threw me, this sunday and last sunday he was online for an hour at like half 8, which to me would mean he's at home as he doesn't sit on his phone that long when he's with someone - but why is he at home so early on a sunday?! He would stay with me until 10pm ish, and no doubt would stay later with her as she lives closer to him. Odd! And now I'm reading far too much into it and sound like a nutter 🙄 (his WhatsApp was as normal this morning :()

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herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 15:23

Oh yeah I get you, if he’s not on WhatsApp much and it’s not during work hours I’m like, is he with someone else? And I can’t know and it’s not healthy to keep obsessing. We have to be strong!

herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 15:24

Written down it does sound so bonkers and but we are both doing it and others on this thread have said it too so clearly it’s fairly common!

herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 15:25

Had a bit of a sob but feeling ok-ish now. Ish.

Strawberrycupcakes212 · 16/09/2019 17:31

I do exactly the same. It’s sad. I can spend a whole day checking his messenger status... but if he’s online my brain tells me he’s speaking to someone, but if he isn’t he’s away out with someone having fun. I can’t win.

If I was to tell you all how bad I am, you would shake your heads. All I want to do is sleep. When I sleep, it doesn’t hurt. I know I have so many things in life to be grateful for, but I think I wished for him all of my life. And now he’s gone and I’ve nobody to blame but myself. I genuinely hate myself.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 17:46

Not necessarily, if it's facebook messenger you're checking it just means he could be scrolling through facebook.

I have been where you are, I'm slowly coming out of it but I know exactly what you're going through. I just slept (or lay in bed imagining scenarios and not sleeping) didn't eat, didn't go out and barely functioned at work. I also feel like I am completely to blame for him leaving and constantly think about what i could have done differently so you are not alone. I would suggest going to some councilling, it is helping me :)

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herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 17:58

I can spend a whole day checking his messenger status... but if he’s online my brain tells me he’s speaking to someone, but if he isn’t he’s away out with someone having fun. I can’t win. Yes this is exactly how I feel when I stalk his whatsapp, so pointless.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 18:07

I haven't seen him online for a few hours so I'm now like...he's with her...but I've been riding/walking to field/driving/knitting so haven't even been on constantly checking so it's a small chance I catch him anyway but I. Can't. Stop. This is awful!! And the worst thing is that even if they did split there's no way he'll come back to me :( (even though I shouldn't want him!!)

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Strawberrycupcakes212 · 16/09/2019 18:10

I’m on day 10 no contact now. I’ve made it to 11 before. Not doing the 30 day thing tho... just indefinite now as I don’t have any other choice. Someone said it gives you a sense of power as you are making the conscious choice every day not to contact them. But it doesn’t feel very powerful.. it feels weak and sad and lonely... but it’s better than rejection I suppose..

I hounded mine for 2 months... but he always answered and always replied to texts.. he said things like who knows what the future holds, and he hasn’t written me off altogether... just 99%... there’s still the 1% there... feels like a carrot to a donkey... a sad and broken donkey at that...

Strawberrycupcakes212 · 16/09/2019 18:12

Jonsnow what’s your story? Sorry I don’t know how to tag? Is he with someone else? 😢

Strawberrycupcakes212 · 16/09/2019 18:17

Ahhh I learnt how to tag! @Jonsnowsghost @herbsmokedchicken lol x

Strawberrycupcakes212 · 16/09/2019 18:18

I saw this and try and remember it xx

Break up support thread 2
Strawberrycupcakes212 · 16/09/2019 18:19

This too x

Break up support thread 2
herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 18:26

Oh those are good! Those kinds of things do make me feel better for a while.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 18:42

@Strawberrycupcakes212 well done on learning to tag ha ha.
Were together for a year and a half, he went off to a gig with friends and friends of friends, kissed one of the friends of friends and decided he wanted to be with her instead of me. He'd known her for one day and tried to tell me he would see her again through social circles (not true as he didnt know her before) until it came out that he wanted to see her again. He blamed me for what he did, saying I didnt meet his friends, go to his house etc (which he never invited me, he met my friends and I wanted to meet his) and that I was distant and not affectionate - I'm not a tactile person and have never been in the year and a half. And also that he "hadn't been that happy for a while" which I dont believe as he didnt act at all that he wasn't, plus that is cliche cheater speech!
So he is now with her, he started posting loads on instagram stories (which he never did with me). Presumably she is much more tactile than me - probably what turned his head in the first place. He said he didn't want to be like an old married couple, which is what we were like, very comfortable and relaxed etc, and want a "spark and a flame" :(

I blame myself, what I could have done to be more affectionate. But he never told me there was a problem!! If I had known I would have done everything differently. I'm struggling so much because it wasn't even an affair, just one day then he's up and gone. He did this all over text and wouldn't even come and talk to me - it took 2 days to tell me and I could tell something was up with how his tone changed (back to being unhappy, I would have noticed!) And I think he was with her the night he was telling me. I tried to save it but by then he had made up his mind and nothing I said would change it. Maybe if he had come straight to me it would be different. I dont know.
It's been 3 months and it's so hard, I miss him so much. The only thing that keeps me going is that I guess this is a rebound relationship because there being like a day gap between us so I hope it doesn't last.

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Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 18:43

Oops that was long. I also think he's chasing a hollywood version of a romance and relationships that doesn't exist in real life. We had got through the honeymoon period and thought we were happy with each other :(

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Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 16/09/2019 18:45

We also had a holiday booked that was supposed to be this week and big holiday plans for next year. He'll probably do that with her now.

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herbsmokedchicken · 16/09/2019 19:03

I feel so sorry for you because what a headfuck! Mine was a shock too, like he had genuinely been unhappy for a while but had hidden it well but there was no one else. For yours to just up and leave you for someone he had just met is so crazy.

I’m sure we will look back and realise we are better off out of it but doesn’t it suck? In hindsight I can appreciate how emotionally immature A is, and I can’t help but hope that we will come back together in the future when we’ve both grown...but I’d really prefer for him to be here right bloody now.

Strawberrycupcakes212 · 16/09/2019 19:12

It’s weird but we all repeat ourselves all the time. I will never get fed up of hearing your stories. This is the only place I can say exactly what I’m feeling without thinking I’m annoying or boring anyone...

I wish we weren’t all feeling like this... our stories are different but all similar at the same time. Nobody understands the hurt unless they are going through it themselves.