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Original poster

Break up support thread 2

999 replies

Jonsnowsghost · 21/08/2019 21:16

Carrying on the supportive previous thread that ran out of space!
@herbsmokedchicken definitely that, although I wouldn't as I'm not a cheat....

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Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 10/09/2019 10:46

Thank you @mumcomehere :) I try not to but it just feels like I did something wrong, like I didn't do enough. But then if he "wasnt that happy" as he said, why didnt he say something? It's terrible that I miss him so much! I really really hope karma catches up with him too, with both of our cheating exes!

Enjoy your date, keep us updated!

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herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 10:52

Yeah jonsnow totally get why you feel that way but any guilt should be on him. Maybe you weren’t perfect but who is? And if it was anything huge he should have said something but he cheated, he is the only one who should feel guilty!

I get it tho, A said it was nothing I did and I believe him but again I just can’t help worrying about what was going on subconsciously.

Feeling better today tho

Oo exciting about the date mumcomehere!

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 10/09/2019 10:56

As well because it's so close to when we were supposed to go on holiday, it's all hitting me again. It was his suggestion to go on a long holiday!! We'd done long weekend breaks away so he wanted to go for longer.
It's annoying me now that he's already been on a longer holiday with her, when they've only been together 10/11 weeks.

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herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 12:12

Yes that’s horrible! Obviously I don’t know the guy but does seem like there’s prob a lot going on in his head! It’s quite odd.

How’s everyone feeling today? I’m in a weird sort of limbo, felt horrendous the last few days but today I’m kind of feeling ok and not thinking about him constantly but then I’ll suddenly remember and get sad again.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 10/09/2019 13:03

A sign of a rebound relationship is that it moves quickly...i think that he's moving pretty quickly with her (holiday so soon, plus some other stuff) so hopefully it will come crashing down soon. It's the most painful situation I've ever been in but also the most oddest situation, I can't understand it or him at all!

Glad to hear you are sort of feeling better :)

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herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 13:19

Yeah it does sound like a rebound to me! Trouble is we can analyse things all we want but doesn’t make us feel any better, still have to go through all the pain.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 10/09/2019 13:47

I know :( and tbf I can sit and worry about how much of a great time he's having with her but it might not even be true! It doesn't make me feel better, I dont think I will for a long time but I'm still taking one step at a time. This isn't something I can quickly get over, it will take time but i am slowly getting there :). Counsilling on thursday so I'm hoping that will help

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herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 13:57

Yeah hopefully that will help! My friend has recommended a meditation app that he’s convinced is going to make me feel better so I must give that a try. Wasn’t in the right headspace yesterday but maybe today.

JustYourBasicDove · 10/09/2019 14:05

I think I've found my people...

11 years and he finished it because he said it was the honest thing to do, he felt he couldn't stay in a relationship with me but wanted us to stay living together as friends and carry on raising our DC together as a family but see other people romantically!

No idea how to get my head round that. Feel sick at the thought of him with anyone else. He's promised I will have as much free time to go out and meet new people as he does, and tbf he is sticking to that, but I don't want to go out, I don't want to meet new people, I want my life to go back to how it was before he dropped this bombshell!

JustYourBasicDove · 10/09/2019 14:07

I feel like my life is over. My mind and body are fucked from having babies and post natal depression, I'm not stupid enough to think anyone else will ever want me. I thought it was ok and that the man who had been by my side through it all would understand and love me forever like he promised to.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 10/09/2019 14:20

Oh Dove that sounds awful :( feel free to vent on here, we won't judge at all and will try and give advice :)

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herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 15:14

Oh you poor thing dove that sounds hideous!

MissYeti · 10/09/2019 15:16

@JustYourBasicDove I'm in a similar situation. Was with ex (twat) for 6 years and we have DS (16 months). Honestly the best thing you can do for yourself is to kick him out. You need to sort everything out for yourself and your DC. Your ex wants to have his cake and eat it. You're not a family anymore, he's ruined that so he needs to deal with the consequences. Access arrangements are entirely in your control depending on how old your DC are.

Twat moved out 4 weeks ago tomorrow and other than the odd blip I am doing so much better already. I am NC with him. All contact about DS goes through my mum. I appreciate you may not have an option like this but the more you can remove him from your every day life the better you'll feel.

Please talk to us as much as you want. We're all in the same crappy boat

JustYourBasicDove · 10/09/2019 16:03

Oh god @MissYeti sorry you've had to deal with similar shit

Kicking him out is not an option. It's complicated. I couldn't live here in the way we do without him (we are part of an off-grid community and I literally couldn't manage stuff like the chainsaw or the livestock if he left), but it would be very hard to disrupt our DC and the way of life they are used to. Obviously if it becomes intolerable then maybe that's what will have to happen but for now I'm trying hard to find the grace in myself to make this work.

It does mean we have more space from each other than we would have in a 'normal' house as he has been able to move into his own living space within the community but it's still very hard. It hurts like fuck that it's so easy for him to move on when I feel so broken but as my friend pointed out, he probably emotionally distanced himself some time ago.

MissYeti · 10/09/2019 16:14

@JustYourBasicDove I've been told 100x in the last 4 weeks that children adapt quickly. They feed off your emotions; the longer you're unsettled the longer they will be too. Does your ex have to be the one to do the labour stuff? Is there no way your community could help you with it instead?

mlou93 · 10/09/2019 18:38

@herbsmokedchicken he probably did think it would fix things. He claims that he was 'going through the motions'. So he was going through the motions of buying a house, planning a future of marriage and children and spending our lives together. Then suddenly he wants out, 8 weeks later. We lived together for a year before renting so it's not as though we weren't used to living together! I'm not angry about the relationship ending so much but more about the mess with the house. I'm hoping to keep it but it depends what the bank agree to Sad

JustYourBasicDove · 10/09/2019 19:08

We all need to remember it's a case of baby steps, and quite often two forward and one back. That's ok, because that's the nature of grief.

Tiny things set me off weeping again but also there are starting to be days when I smile at tiny things too (today a robin came and watched me hanging out the washing and it just made me feel a little flash of happiness!).

herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 19:19

Ah mlou that’s harsh, can understand his thinking but it’s unfair of him all the same, and now he’s left you in this position. Fingers crossed it goes well with the bank!

Agreed on baby steps dove, last few days haven’t been great for me but today has been much better, even if I have still felt bad.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 10/09/2019 20:38

Definitely two steps back today. Feeling so sad and weepy. Just miss him and I know I shouldn't but I can't seem to not miss him!

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herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 21:30

That's how I was yesterday! Am better today but yes still miss him so bloody much. Been bad day for seeing memes I'd usually share with him!

PuffinSock · 10/09/2019 23:11

@JustYourBasicDove I'm so sorry Sad you reminded me I felt like you say when my ex left too, the father of my kids. You think they'll be by your side forever Sad I was terrified of the prospect of dating again, sleeping with someone again etc. It did get easier I promise, very gradually.

@Jonsnowsghost I have felt real worry and angst about whether I should have done things differently too. I feel like I was too laid back, not attentive enough etc ☹ but I was relaxed and happy, he was happy too and even now he says I made him happy...just not as happy as the new woman it seems ☹ today he even messaged me to say how much I make him smile. I didn't ask about his new relationship, presumably he wants me to make him smile as a friend Confused

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 11/09/2019 06:13

@puffinsock, that's it - I was relaxed and happy so didn't feel like I had to be too over the top affectionate as we were happy together. Only now he says he "wasn't that happy for a while" but i dont know if I believe that or not, it's one of the classic lines cheaters seem to pull out....

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PuffinSock · 11/09/2019 08:07

@Jonsnowsghost I think hes probably giving you that classic line as an excuse Sad he most likely was happy with you, but then he decided on balance that he wanted to try a relationship with her. I'm sure it's nothing you did or didnt do - if we were acting desperate and fawning over them the whole time theyd have left feeling suffocated. You cant win.

I think mine probably chose her for a reason beyond my control, maybe she loved sport like he does (I dont...) or maybe her kids were older. Who knows. I think their choices were beyond our control though, we could only be happy and relaxed at the time.

A part of me hopes he regrets his decision and comes back...but then I dont think I could trust him again.

Original poster
Jonsnowsghost · 11/09/2019 08:13

@PuffinSock I think she is probably more tactile than I am so he thinks it much more exciting and "loving" although I can't possibly know that! Just a guess though, he only knew her for one day before deciding she was worth going off with, I can only imagine that during that day they were probably all over each other :( it's one of the main points against me so that's why I think it's that that made him go. Plus she's much more convenient for him, living closer and already knowing his friends...

A part of me hopes that he will regret it too :(

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herbsmokedchicken · 11/09/2019 08:25

Oh it’s horrible isn’t it! Especially as no matter what they say, we will never know if they are being entirely honest.

So there’s a status A made from about this time last year when we went on a meal out it was not officially a date but I certainly saw it as one, but in the end nothing happened and we were friends for another month. So this status was about something funny he did, I was tagged as I was there but wasn’t strictly about me. I have been a bit nervous the last few days, hoping he’d have the sense not to share it even tho it’s not strictly about us but the thing he did. He didn’t post it and so then of course I decided I wanted to read it 🙄
It’s gone. Don’t know if it’s deleted or just hidden. Of course he has the right to have his fb however he wants and I know he’s more bothered about what’s on there than I am but makes me sad to think of him just getting rid of stuff as it comes up in his memories. Especially once it starts getting to the early stages of us getting together when we tagged each other in stuff. I haven’t deleted stuff off my fb. Partly laziness but also I don’t want it to be like we didn’t happen. So yeah. I know I should delete him but I’m not gonna do that so don’t tell me to, but I’m not going to go on his profile again, I’ve been pretty good at not doing that so far tbf.