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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Break up support thread 2

999 replies

Jonsnowsghost · 21/08/2019 21:16

Carrying on the supportive previous thread that ran out of space!
@herbsmokedchicken definitely that, although I wouldn't as I'm not a cheat....

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Mumcomehere · 08/09/2019 12:28

I have decided that I will contact the 'new' guy, I've done some background checks, all is looking good, but....why do I feel guilty with regards to ex?

Jonsnowsghost · 08/09/2019 12:47

This is what I dont get, I had no hints whatsoever but yet he still left me for someone he spent one day. No pulling away, no being quieter over text, nothing. I feel so guilty for not being affectionate enough or not hugging/kissing/touching him enough but how could I have known he wanted more of that if he didn't tell me :(
I guess now he has all of that and more in his new relationship he will never think of me and will never regret his decision :(
I'm not over the top tactile so it doesn't really cross my mind to randomly hug and kiss, as much as I like someone!

@mumcomehere just be careful, if you're still feeling guilty you don't want it to be a rebound but if you feel less guilty when you message him it could go somewhere.

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MissYeti · 08/09/2019 12:56

@Mumcomehere wheey!! That's so exciting! Nothing wrong with dating, It's harmless unless you catch feels. And if you do catch feels then go with it!! There's no rule to say the next relationship will definitely be a rebound. He might be Mr right and you'll kick yourself if you let him slip through your fingers

MissYeti · 08/09/2019 13:31

Learnt a new term today! Hoovering - apparently It's when they try to creep back in by being all nice and lovely after a period of no contact.
Be aware ladies and gents, it has nothing to do with housework 😂 don't fall for the hoovering!!

herbsmokedchicken · 08/09/2019 15:10

Right now I’d be thrilled with hoovering I miss him so much! I appreciate that’s not the attitude we are looking for here lol

MissYeti · 08/09/2019 15:58

@herbsmokedchicken you're in a delicate position, give yourself time ❤ but if it didn't work once it won't work a second time. I speak from experience! Tried again with my first bf and it lasted all of a couple of weeks before he slipped back into his old ways and I was done again.

Twat was my second bf. I thought I found a good one but apparently not. Even though we have a 6 year history there's no way I'd open that door again. I think short term relationships are harder to get over because you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon phase. You deserve better ❤

herbsmokedchicken · 08/09/2019 16:03

Tbf I highly doubt he would come back anyway, he is very much someone who once he makes up his mind, that’s it.

Jonsnowsghost · 08/09/2019 17:34

I'd be happy with hoovering too 😅 what a loser I am

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herbsmokedchicken · 08/09/2019 18:20

I guess we will know we’re on the mend when we are like ooh no wouldn’t take him back. I just miss him so desperately! At this point I feel like I’d even settle for being friends if I could speak to him. I won’t reach out tho as I know I’d just be hoping he’d fall in love with me again. I hope we are able to be friends again one day, but it’s not there yet.

Jonsnowsghost · 08/09/2019 18:42

I feel like he will never be my friend, and he'll be with her forever. Which makes me so sad :( I miss him so much, I'd still take him back even though he was horrible!

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herbsmokedchicken · 08/09/2019 18:53

Yeah it’s horrible! The thought of A being with someone else genuinely makes me want to vomit! I have to remind myself I’m only 7 weeks in and I have a lot of healing left but ugh it hurts, and the thought that he is almost certainly tootling along feeling just fine makes it even worse.

We will get through this.

Mumcomehere · 08/09/2019 19:55

Were going out for a drink Tuesday evening!

herbsmokedchicken · 08/09/2019 21:03

Oooo exciting!

MissYeti · 08/09/2019 23:08

Fuck sake I've been doing so well the last week or so but tonight for absolutely no reason I can't stop crying.

I'm so devastated that I tried so hard to keep things together and let a lot of shit slide so we could stay together and he didn't even have the decency to let me know he wasn't happy. I always gave him a chance to fix things - he gave me nothing. He just left. He abandoned me and our son at the drop of a hat. I honestly thought I meant more to him than that...

Thought I was past this

herbsmokedchicken · 08/09/2019 23:28

It comes and goes tho missyeti I’ve been the same, had weeks where I’m kind of ok and then weeks like this one where I’m just so upset all the time. I think it’s normal. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating tho

herbsmokedchicken · 09/09/2019 00:35

So I have been chatting on WhatsApp to a guy I got talking to on tinder, last spoke to him this evening, he also added me on fb. Just went on WhatsApp and realised his picture was gone which I think means they blocked you. Unmatched on tinder. Unfriended and not showing up on fb. Odd! His fb showed as single so don’t reckon he was cheating and got busted or anything. He was leading the convo so maybe he looked at my profile and realised just how recent my break up is or something? Not really fussed seeing as I wasn’t into it and had said I was just looking to chat, so probably just gave me up as a lost cause. Oh well! Thought this was as good a place to share as any lol. Just left me a bit bemused!

herbsmokedchicken · 09/09/2019 11:28

How’s everyone feeling today? I’m still feeling pretty down but I’m hoping it’s cos it’s my time of the month or just some random blip and I’ll feel better soon, not necessarily happy i guess but better. I just want him back so bloody much tho! Sorry I know I’m repeating myself but it’s just so hard to accept that someone so wonderful for you, someone who felt like everything you’d been waiting for, who said how they felt the same, could then turn around and leave? It just seems so wrong.

Mumcomehere · 09/09/2019 12:51

Herb, when he broke up with you, did you just take it on the chin, or did you ask him for more in depth reasons as to why?

herbsmokedchicken · 09/09/2019 13:23

Yeah when he first broke it off I don’t really remember what happened coz I cried but a few days later we went for a spin and talked about it. He doesn’t have a reason as such - he fell out of love with me and he doesn’t know why. So possibly there’s stuff happening subconsciously, or it was simply that the initial rush of love/infatuation wore off, and there was no real love to replace it. Suspect probably the latter, as hard as it is to accept. I think probably it was never destined to last. But like I say, hard to accept. I believe him when he says he doesn’t know exactly what made him fall out of love with me which is why I do think it was probably never “real” love as much as he thought it was. So hard to accept when I still love him so much but I know a few people who have broken up with people for the same reason, the feelings just ran their course.

Auba14 · 09/09/2019 18:03

Hey Everyone,

I have followed these threads since the first one was formed, and have read every single post. At the time I didn’t feel like my own situation was anywhere near as bad enough as the rest of you guys, but now I feel like it’s my turn to need help and support otherwise I’m going to drive my friends away with my over analysing.

Me and DP split up beginning of July. We kept saying we shouldn’t talk but could never quite make that clean break of it, after a lot of on again/off again two weeks ago on Wednesday she decided that we had to stop talking to give us a chance to move on and for our own sanity - we were beginning to be codependent and needed to stop it.

So, we stopped talking on the Wednesday night, and didn’t speak again until Monday when all my clothes from her house were posted to my work. She’d blocked me on WhatsApp (couldn’t bear to keep looking at my picture and online status) and when I iMessage’d her, she had blocked me there too, so ended up sending a Facebook message. She apologised, said it was the only way to move on and have a clean break. Last Monday night I got a text saying her Grandad had died. I passed on my condolences, and said if you need anything I’m here. Didn’t talk again till Thursday when we had a couple of nice messages when I checked in on her and how she was doing. Then I left it again safe in the knowledge I’m unblocked.

Saturday just gone she messages me asking how I am, I messaged back yesterday morning saying yeah, I’m okay, how are you. I also put in a joke about my sister saying she looks like someone from telly. No reply. So I messaged again today. I got a terrible reply saying that I’m being selfish and trying to twist our conversations into something else that isn’t about the death of her Grandad - I wasn’t, I was just trying to say how I felt and that I wasn’t over us yet. Anyway, I apologised and asked how she is and was again met with silence (she’s probably blocked me again)

Right now I feel like I’m going crazy, I spend half my time really missing her and the other half wanting to kill her. It’s like I’m her punchbag to insult and have a go at and she won’t talk to me about anything, instead looks for reasons to have a go at me. Whenever I start to think, maybe this really is it and we will never talk again, I get a message from her. I’m 50/50 if I should message the day of the funeral or make any sort of effort with her anymore. I know she’s grieving, and my ill advised attempt at humour was dreadful but she could’ve just said that instead of silence and me having to chase it up? It all feels like games on her side and I’ve no idea if she will message again or not. I’m so confused.

You’ve no idea how much better I feel typing this out! And I’m heading to get back to my hobby shortly, I need to do something for my frustration so apologies if I don’t reply.

herbsmokedchicken · 09/09/2019 22:43

Oh that sounds really hard! Especially as her grief for her grandad will be all mixed up in her grief for you. Must be a very turbulent time for you both Sad

mlou93 · 09/09/2019 23:29

Hey all, I just found this thread and thought I'd share my own tale of woe.

We were together for 8 years. We bought a house together 8 weeks ago, he's been (I think) depressed after relocating to a new city where I'm from. He has refused to get any help, which to an extent I get. Two weeks ago he turned around and said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to essentially go back to his previous life and his friends. Apparently, he had been feeling like this for 3 months, so before we got the house. So, we're in an awful situation with the house. We've got a meeting with the bank to talk about the best way forward. I was sad, but now I just feel angry and bitter about the whole situation.

herbsmokedchicken · 10/09/2019 08:18

Ah that’s horrible! I had a similar situation in that my ex told me he didn’t love me anymore but we had been together a lot less time and no house or anything but it’s horrible to hear someone say that they don’t love you anymore. It’s really unfair that he went ahead with the house knowing how he felt - did he think maybe that would fix things?

Jonsnowsghost · 10/09/2019 08:57

Today I feel a lot of guilt, why didn't I do more and why did I drive the nicest person I've ever met to do something so horrible. I'm a bit of a mess!
He never told me he didn't love me anymore, the closest he got was "I think my feelings are elsewhere" what does that even mean?? Of course they will be if you've had your head turned by someone more "exciting". Urgh :(

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Mumcomehere · 10/09/2019 10:28

@jonsnowsghost you have nothing to feel guilty about, he was the cheating twat, not you, he is the one that needs to feel guilty.

I went through the guilt stage, purely because I was looking for answers as to why he did what he did, the usual was it my fault etc, but no it wasnt mine or your fault they have cheated, they weren't good enough for us - that's the bottom line.

Your stronger than you think, and your an amazing person, he doesn't deserve your head space and certainly doesn't deserve your love, you will meet someone who deserves you. You will get through this, I promise you Flowers.

I'm still having a slight wobble here and there, I havent cried for days, because I wont let myself, 3 years I was with that twat, and all for him to shit on me with another, karma will catch up with one day, and he will realise he lost the best thing ever (me), but that's his loss and my gain :)

I have my 'date' tonight, so this is my time to have some fun, not sat at home over thinking everything.