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Original poster

Expectations after a year together .

156 replies

Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:04

I don’t want to give a ‘he does this ‘and ‘I do that ‘ scenario as I would dearly love your unbiased opinions .
After a year of being in a relationship , as two people who are in their early thirties who don’t live together, but one of whom is a house owner , what would average expectations be? Both working . Him professional job, high earning. Me low earning but full time work.
There have been no serious highs or lows. We meet a couple of times a week . I am possibly more keen generally and to to move to next step . He is not. What would You expect thanks . I don’t want to be unreasonable but I don’t want to wait forever for him to decide his future either . Thanks

OP posts:
LondonCrone · 20/08/2019 19:11

It sounds kind of like you’re expecting him to ask you to move in with him.

Tbh I would probably expect that of someone I wanted to be with seriously in a forever kind of way, but there’s no way in hell I would still be with someone after a year who was less into it than I was, who I only wanted to be around (or who only wanted to be around me) a night or two a week. Life is precious. The person you live with and start a family with should wake up every day feeling blessed that you’re beside him, at least for the first few years!

If I were in your situation I would move on.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:15

Really?? I have been nervous to discuss this with anyone irl . I thought he was a slow mover at the beginning and he has shown more commitment in the last number of months and we do hang out with his friends and family . We haven’t had a holiday together yet but it’s possible we might go abroad next year .

OP posts:
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 20/08/2019 19:17

You meet a couple of times a week? Does that mean you normally sleep in your own houses?

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:17

I’m not sure that he isnt as interested in it as I am, he just moves at a very slow pace and is busier than I am

OP posts:
Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:18

Yes we sleep in our own houses except for when we see each other a few nights per week when we stay together

OP posts:
daisypond · 20/08/2019 19:18

You need to ask him what he wants from the relationship but I think you should move on.

user1493413286 · 20/08/2019 19:20

After a year I’d be expecting at least a conversation about moving in together but then I’d probably be expecting to see each other more than a couple of times a week unless there were good reasons for this. With DH by a year we were pretty much spending most of our time together apart from when we had other plans or wanted the odd night to ourselves

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:23

I have asked him and he sees a future for us but says he’s very far away from moving in together especially for practical reasons.

OP posts:
Porpoises · 20/08/2019 19:24

There's no one-size-fits-all relationship that everyone in their early 30s has to fit into! We can't say what he should want just based on his age and financial situation.

Talk to each other. Find out what you both want. If you both want different things, or if actions don't match words, then move on.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:25

He has a rich and busy social life which he doesn’t seem to want to leave behind him yet , but I am very involved in his life and he always brings me as his plus one to occasions if the occasion permits

OP posts:
Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:26

Sometimes I think that he doesn’t know what he wants. He can appear as afraid of commitment like marriage or children

OP posts:
daisypond · 20/08/2019 19:31

Is he involved in your life, though? Do you have a rich and busy social life too?

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 19:33

How old are you both?

Smidge001 · 20/08/2019 19:34

I think you need to move on. A couple of times a week and no holidays away together is a good reason NOT to move in. You're not spending enough time together to even know yourself if living together would work. Let alone him, who hasn't shown signs of seeing you more often.
I'm sure he's happy dating you but I would guess he's not even thinking about settling down for another 5 years.

OrchidInTheSun · 20/08/2019 19:37

Early 30s? Move on if you want kids and a family. Don't wait around hoping. Men string women along as good enough until they meet the one and then have babies and marriage within 18 months.

If you're still seeing one another a couple of times a week and you're treating him like a rare and difficult to catch fish (which is what it sounds like) then ditch him.

Oct18mummy · 20/08/2019 19:40

You said you haven’t been abroad, have you been away for weekends etc?

Ask him to be honest, if there is no chance of committing in the short term then consider your options.

If you want children etc don’t spend more time being strung along if he isn’t ready to commit.

FawnDrench · 20/08/2019 19:42

He sounds as if he's quite happy to poodle along regardless, but all on his terms.
You're a lovely companion and plus one when it suits him, so thank you very much!

Has he asked you what YOU want?

It all sounds a bit one-sided to me, not very partnership orientated really..

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/08/2019 19:51

What do YOU want?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2019 19:54

If you want marriage and children, you need to move on and quickly. Time is not on your side. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's true. If he really wanted children and marriage with you, you would know it by now. It seems he is quite satisfied with the way his life is.

firesong · 20/08/2019 19:56

I don't know really. I wouldn't want to move in with someone after only one year (but I'm late thirties and have two children).

Do you know what you want? Are you afraid to tell him what you want? If he wants to go slow, but wants to be with you he will tell you how he'd like it to progress if you bring it up. If he avoids the conversation entirely (and you aren't heaping on pressure) then perhaps you want different things,

lilmishap · 20/08/2019 20:01

After a year I would expect to know where it was heading, is it a fling? will we be moving in together at some point?
On the plus side talking about a holiday next year shows some intention of longevity if he's serious, but I agree with PPs about how odd it is you still only see each other a couple times a week.

What do you tell people if they ask where it's heading?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/08/2019 20:01

Is he the homeowner? If so I'd be careful not to fall into the trap of moving in/having kids/giving up work etc etc. If you want marriage don't settle for less

user1471549213 · 20/08/2019 20:16

It's tough to say as every one is different. After a year together with my partner we had been on 2 holidays and after the second (8 months) decided we would move in together, he had to officially see out his lease which brought us up to the year point but he was practically living at mine at that point.

We had discussed that we wanted to live together, we wanted to have a future together and children and a marriage. After 2.5 years we got engaged, married a year later. Had 2 children sold that house, bought a new house and am currently pregnant with no. 3.

When we got together I was 31 and he was 27. Now together 9 years.

I had a previous boyfriend at a younger age (20's) and after 5 years we were nowhere near moving in together. I think by the time you get to 30 you have more life experience you are more confident in what you want from life and the choices you make. If he is a long way off from discussing moving in together or your future together (assuming no other back story or children involved) then I would think about ending it. When does he think he will be ready? What are his reasons for not being ready? Is it purely to protect his investment if it's his property? I would understand that but surely he knows how he feels about you and if he doesn't then I feel he is just keeping you there till someone else comes along. I'm sorry OP but that's my opinion.

lilmishap · 20/08/2019 20:21

Whats his relationship history? has he ever been in a committed relationship? lived with anyone?

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 20:40

He owns the house and has a big mortgage serviced by his tenants mostly. He never had a serious relationship before me. He is not sure about marriage or kids but knows he loves me. I couldn’t afford half the mortgage and bills . He needs the tenants to sustain his lifestyle. We have had a few days away but it was for his parents wedding anniversary celebrations so it was a group. We have stayed at a hotel once also. I’ve told him that I would like us to live together but as I said upthread he could be a year or more away from that. He was s a creature of habit and leads a disciplined life. My life is quieter . I’ve not got many friends or family.i haven’t travelled and I’m not pushed on concerts . He likes this lifestyle . He has had numerous holidays with his family and friends this year. I have no money for that lifestyle

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