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Original poster

Expectations after a year together .

156 replies

Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:04

I don’t want to give a ‘he does this ‘and ‘I do that ‘ scenario as I would dearly love your unbiased opinions .
After a year of being in a relationship , as two people who are in their early thirties who don’t live together, but one of whom is a house owner , what would average expectations be? Both working . Him professional job, high earning. Me low earning but full time work.
There have been no serious highs or lows. We meet a couple of times a week . I am possibly more keen generally and to to move to next step . He is not. What would You expect thanks . I don’t want to be unreasonable but I don’t want to wait forever for him to decide his future either . Thanks

OP posts:
rookiemere · 23/08/2019 12:24

Hi OP great that you updated.

It's nice that he does budget friendly activities with you, but I guess the question is where is it going. After a year I'd assume he'd actually want to go on holiday with you for at least a week and this could be in the UK so doesn't need to be terribly expensive- maybe suggest that as an idea and see what he says.

I guess the thing that's screaming out to me is that it's progressing glacially slowly and he's the one who is 100% dictating the pace. Maybe next year he'll feel comfortable going away with you, maybe the year after you might move in together and so forth.

Have you told him how you feel when he leaves after a day together or suggested that you meet up more frequently?

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 23/08/2019 12:35

Yes he knows it upsets me but he is always honest in his need for time out alone and his need for His other passions in life. We have gone away, in uk, but always others there too. Never just us

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 23/08/2019 12:58

OP. Are you sure he’s straight? This sounds very much like the situation of another poster on here who has posted multiple threads about a similar situation. Everyone came to the conclusion that she was his ‘beard’.

rookiemere · 23/08/2019 12:58

Read your last post OP - do you honestly see this guy as the father of your DCs in the future?

You deserve to be cherished and valued, not tolerated in small doses. It's great that he has hobbies and friends, but if he's not head over heels at this stage then that's kind of sad for you.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 23/08/2019 13:05

Oh dear! Yes he is straight! He works hard and is often tired so isn’t in the mood too much but when he is relaxed and rested he geys in the mood!
I do think at times that he may be too self
Absorbed to be a father . He is terribly lovely but yes he is selfish about his time and doesn’t like to live ourself his own tight boundaries . These sacrifices have improved over the year

OP posts:
Labassecour · 23/08/2019 13:13

Can’t see how moving in with him and his tenants is an issue for him - he would be quids in? Wouldn’t have to move tenants out?

Well, suddenly there's an extra person in the house, using the kitchen, bathroom, hot water etc, so from the tenants' point of view, that may be an issue depending on how bills are shared/how much pressure there is on shared bathrooms/kitchen space at popular cooking times?

Also, having back in my days of house- and flat-shares, ended up inadvertently sharing with someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, it often changed the dynamic for the worse.

If, as it sounds, the OP's boyfriend is set in his ways and values (and needs) his current tenants, he may not want to change the dynamic of the household.

Labassecour · 23/08/2019 13:15

He is terribly lovely but yes he is selfish about his time and doesn’t like to live ourself his own tight boundaries . These sacrifices have improved over the year

OP, forget children -- do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who regards spending time with you outside a set of strictly-regulated times of his own choosing as a 'sacrifice'?

rookiemere · 23/08/2019 13:18

Jeez this prince isn't even hot in the sack. OP what are you doing, why do you feel this is enough for you ? Sorry but you're early 30s, if you want marriage and DCs , you need to start being a bit clinical about this. At the moment - based on what you're saying - I'd put your chances on that ending with this bloke at about 30% and even then I'm not sure that shared parenthood will be featuring strong.

Open yourself up to some other possibilities, take up a hobby, join a walking group. Do something thus weekend that takes you out of your current constraints. Don't think about breaking up just now, focus on expanding your horizons and see where that takes you.

Takemebacktolondon · 23/08/2019 13:28

Oh yes this sounds like the same story as the poster whose bf would take her to a family party then drop her off and go back. He wasn’t interested in sex either.

Not sure if it’s you or not op but either way I think you are wasting your time. It sounds more like a friendship than a healthy couple
Relationship.

NorthEndGal · 23/08/2019 13:35

This man is not prepared to change to become a father, just because he likes kids.
You can adore kids and not want the responsibility of being a parent for the rest of your life

Labassecour · 23/08/2019 13:38

At the moment - based on what you're saying - I'd put your chances on that ending with this bloke at about 30%

Are you a betting woman, @rookiemere? That sounds wildly optimistic to me!

ShirleyPhallus · 23/08/2019 14:32

Just to add to the others, this isn’t how w relationship should work OP. If you really want children and marriage you’ll need to walk away and do it with another man cos this guy isn’t the one

NewMe2019 · 23/08/2019 15:06

I've been with DP for nearly 8 months. We get very sad when we have to leave each other and try to spend every available time we can together. We've already discussed moving in together next year and we know we are in it for the long haul.

He really really doesn't seem overly invested OP. He doesn't make you a priority, won't commit properly to future plans and isn't fussed about spending as much time as possible with you. Plus you are more interested in sex, which will probably end up dwindling even more. You should still be at it all the time at this stage.

You are wasting your time.

StVincent · 27/08/2019 23:24

How are you doing OP? Any further thinking on this?

Witchinaditch · 28/08/2019 08:17

It doesn’t sound serious to me but you wouldn’t be unreasonable in asking him where does he see the relationship going, just be prepared for it may not be what you want to hear. Good luck

NameChangeNugget · 28/08/2019 08:28

Flip this, what would you expect him to do after only a year? He has a great life, is self sufficient and I can’t see the problem?

If you’re unhappy, end it. I think he sounds like a great bloke

BunnyColvin · 28/08/2019 08:38

OP move on. This is going nowhere.

Focus on your own goals, improving your earnings, getting on the property ladder, increasing your social circles etc.

You're on a hiding to nothing here, he won't commit.

category12 · 28/08/2019 09:15

Love, he's not for you. On all levels, you want him more than he wants you. And that will crush your self-worth underfoot. Honestly reading this thread I could cry for you accepting crumbs, it's so sad you don't see it.

He can "take or leave" you and with that dynamic he'll gradually lose respect for you and slide into treating you badly.

At a year in, he should want to be with you more, he should want you to be part of his life, not compartmentalised away from it. It shouldn't be a choice of giving up his social life but of involving you in it.

Break away from him and find someone who makes you feel wanted and desired and like they can't get enough of you.

31RueCambon75001 · 29/08/2019 18:29

When i was 22 my bf aged 26 treated me/ us to a holiday because he wanted to ho away with me. The holiday issue speaks volumes to me.
You are there for him when he gets back so to speak

sofato5miles · 29/08/2019 18:34

I had moved in with my ex (much richer) husband within 6 months. We went away after three weeks, to his brother's wedding and a holiday with friends 2 months after that. Were married within two years. We were married for 17 years..

wishywashy6 · 29/08/2019 19:25

Your future doesn't need to be in his hands. Ask him outright where he sees things heading and what he wants then make a decision based on his answer as to what you want to do next.
Don't be afraid to communicate

babba2014 · 29/08/2019 19:53

I think you are both incompatible with each other and that's the simple answer.
Even if you did live together, marry etc I can imagine him being the type who continues with his holidays with family and friends whilst you are at home with the baby as you can't afford to holiday.
In the first year you would think when he is free and you are free, that he'd want to spend this time with you as he enjoys your company so much.
I wouldn't waste time with him. His timetable and lifestyle is so rigid. It's boring. Sorry to say.
You will find someone better for you.

31RueCambon75001 · 29/08/2019 22:02

Wish I'd seen this years ago.

31RueCambon75001 · 30/08/2019 19:38

Bump

31RueCambon75001 · 30/08/2019 19:40

Bumping my own post because this could have saved me 3 years of my life ill never get back. If only somebody had sent me this clip! 🤷‍♀️😳