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Original poster

Expectations after a year together .

156 replies

Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:04

I don’t want to give a ‘he does this ‘and ‘I do that ‘ scenario as I would dearly love your unbiased opinions .
After a year of being in a relationship , as two people who are in their early thirties who don’t live together, but one of whom is a house owner , what would average expectations be? Both working . Him professional job, high earning. Me low earning but full time work.
There have been no serious highs or lows. We meet a couple of times a week . I am possibly more keen generally and to to move to next step . He is not. What would You expect thanks . I don’t want to be unreasonable but I don’t want to wait forever for him to decide his future either . Thanks

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 20/08/2019 20:44

There are no set rules OP, it's a case of whether you're compatible both day to day and long term. Do you want the same things? Are you equally committed? Does one of you feel you have to make more effort than the other?

Neither of you is right or wrong, just not moving at the same speed or intensity. I've been both of you in different relationships!

You need to be on the same page and if you aren't after a year then it sounds like time to move on OP Thanks

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/08/2019 20:50

Cross posted OP sorry.

He is not sure about marriage or kids but knows he loves me

What do YOU want OP? You both need to know this about yourselves and each other.

I spent five years with an ex who said he wasn't sure about marriage and kids but I thought he would eventually want them. He was honest with me saying he didn't know but I chose to believe what I wanted to believe - he still wasn't sure after five years and we split up even though we loved each other very much.

I see now that I shouldn't have pressured him or assumed he would suddenly want the same things as me the same amount.

He's still the nicest guy I've ever met but sometimes love isn't enough and for whatever reasons I want marriage and kids and he isn't sure.

As my friend said to me, I would have spent the rest of our lives pushing water uphill. It wouldn't have been fair on either of us.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 20:52

I am more eager for things to move forward than he is. He feels he’s where he can be at the moment . He can’t give me anymore right now but sees a future and talks about next year . I definitely am more in to the relationship than him but I i now he loves me and I am part of his future

OP posts:
palahvah · 20/08/2019 20:53

It sounds as though you need to build some life away from him - it sounds a little too much as though you're flexing to his schedule and what he's up for, rather than both if you flexing.
As other pps have said, don't waste time now with a guy who doesn't want what you want - travel, have your own hobbies, explore, and maybe meet someone else who wants more of what you want?
Your boyfriend may decide he doesn't want to lose you, or he might not.

Span1elsRock · 20/08/2019 20:57

I will be honest, it sounds like a very casual relationship on his part.

Which is fine if you are seeing it as a casual relationship too..... but it doesn't sound as though you are.

You can't make someone want more than they do. I would move on Flowers

Malvinaa81 · 20/08/2019 21:11

Whilst no fan of moving in after two minutes as in TV shows, a year is of course a but longer, but still enough time not to want to live together.

But you seem to want to- and I can't make out why. He doesn't really want it, so how could it work? And what on earth is in it for you? Very little it seems to me.

It was very wise advice from the poster above thread to make much of a life for yourself, then you might be content with living apart.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you seem incidental to this man's life- living together isn't the answer.

No one deserves just to incidental to their partner's life, so perhaps the real solution is to end this attachment.

NataliaOsipova · 20/08/2019 21:15

Early 30s? Move on if you want kids and a family. Don't wait around hoping. Men string women along as good enough until they meet the one and then have babies and marriage within 18 months.

I hate to say it....but these are my thoughts too. I know you shouldn’t generalise etc etc, but I have to say that this seems to be a really common pattern.

lilmishap · 20/08/2019 21:15

Him wanting to hang onto his lifestyle is the bigger issue then? It doesn't sound like he's seeing a committed relationship in terms of 'desirable' I'd be worrying he sees it as a sacrifice

ThatCurlyGirl · 20/08/2019 21:17

I think a telling sign is whether you tend to keep yourself free most of the time so you're available if he suggests a day to see you. Is this something you do?

I used to and I'm so annoyed at myself looking back! I'd make no plans so that whatever day he suggested staying over at one of our places together I'd be like oh yeah I can do (day).

It wasn't his fault at all - he didn't realise I was doing it really. It stopped me from maintaining friendships and interests separate to him so when we broke up it was a real shock to the system.

I guess what I'm saying is be careful OP and do listen to him - he sounds decent in that he isn't messing you around, he's being honest about how he feels at the moment and he can't predict the future.

It's up to you to be honest with him too, so you both know if you are on the same page when it comes to expectations and compatibility.

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 21:18

Id pull back a bit, see if he comes towards you.

Then see how you feel if he makes no effort.

Pipandmum · 20/08/2019 21:20

He’s given you the answer. He’s not ready. Which means he’s not committed. He may be in a year or five. Or may not. After a year he should know if he loves you enough to go to WANT to go to the next stage. Are you willing to wait on something that might not happen?

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 21:21

This is his first true relationship and it may be that he isn’t used to giving
Up his time . He is amazing. I love him and we have fun and conversations that last into
The night . We really fit well together. He of course cain be selfish until I point it out to him. He has invited me to many weddings and occasions special to him and seems proud to introduce me as his girlfriend .he is disappointed when I cannot accompany him to some events. I connect excellently with his family and he has told
Me that they love me too. Their opinions are all that matters .

OP posts:
Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 21:23

Yes I make myself available for him. If I didn’t I may not see him as we meet on set days every week

OP posts:
CmdrCressidaDuck · 20/08/2019 21:30

It sounds like a) he is set in his ways already and disinclined to change, and b) he just isn't that invested in you. He won't flex his life to fit you in, so you end up hanging on his every move.

In your 30s I wouldn't say you have to be living together after a year of exclusive dating, but I'd expect you to be clear on where you're going, i.e. you've both agreed that you do/don't want to live together, get married, and have DC, and have a rough idea of when you might do each. Or else you're both clear and happy with the idea that it isn't a relationship that will necessarily end in rings and a joint account.

I think this would be fine if all YOU wanted was someone to see for fun when you were free yourself. And I'm definitely not one for moving in after being together five minutes. But if you want a life partner, marriage and children... I don't think this is it. If he won't create space for you in his life at the very beginning, he never will - and I can't see him creating space for the sprawling all-encompassing disorder that is DC.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 21:35

That is why he said he is not sure about kids. He doesn’t think he is willing to sacrifice so much but he adores kids . Loves my nieces and nephews and relates very well with them.
He IS set in his ways. That is the perfect description of who he is .

OP posts:
Flerkin · 20/08/2019 21:39

He is sensible. I know several people who gave decided not to have kids because they dont want to sacrifice their lifestyle.

One womens husband worked for a holiday company and they would often decide on Friday lunch time to do a city break leaving that night, for the weekend. She went to the gym every morning, then work, busy social life. I admired her. She knew herself well enough to know she wasnt prepared to cut back on her quite fabulous lifestyle.

Its best not to have kids until you are ready to give some stuff up.

It may be just a case of the fact that you are at different life stages.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 20/08/2019 21:48

So you know what he wants, really. This. He wants things to stay the way they are indefinitely. Moving in honestly sounds like it might not be great for you anyway - he'll stay set in the same ways and you'll see him about as much, but feel lonelier and more resentful because you thought you were establishing a new more conventional "togetherness".

Is this, just like it is, enough for you, indefinitely? I think you probably know in your heart whether the answer is yes or no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2019 22:03

it may be that he isn’t used to giving Up his time

OP, when you’re in a happy relationship with someone you love you’re not giving up time when you’re together, you’re enjoying their company, knowing whatever you’re doing you’d rather do with that person.

You make it sound like he’s doing you a favour by being with you. It doesn’t sound very equal. You deserve to be with someone who adores you, prioritises you, can’t get enough of you, makes you feel like the most important person in the world to them.

Mermaidsinthesand · 20/08/2019 22:23

He has live in tenants in his house to help pay the mortgage?
There is no way children fit into the scenario so he does have a point. Why doesn't he move into your place? Can still rent his house out. No harm asking then you know the answer

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 22:25

He will never leave his house. I rent a room in a flat share so he would not even consider it

OP posts:
Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 22:26

I think he would lose sleep over tenants messing his house . He is a perfectionist!

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 20/08/2019 22:28

We were married. At a year I'd definitely expect more than you have.

Lockshunkugel · 20/08/2019 22:29

Unfortunately, you are at different stages of your lives. You want to think about marriage and children but he isn’t ready. It’s sad but you will have to end the relationship if you definitely want to have a family. Don’t waste any more of your fertile years on a man who won’t even commit to booking a holiday with you.

kenandbarbie · 20/08/2019 22:33

He sounds like he doesn't want to move things forward. If you do want more I would finish it, it isn't going anywhere.

You said he'd been on holiday this year with other people but not you as you couldn't afford it. If he was really into you, he would have either arranged trips you could afford, helped you out with a contribution, or even just chosen to spend time at home with you.

Sounds like the typical 'don't make someone your priority when you're only their option'.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 22:47

We did some lovely things together this summer , had days out and some
Time away but not a real holiday as I see it , on our own exclusively, and we stayed near home at his friends house when his friend
Was away . He went to the med with his friends a couple of times. He is generous but cannot afford to treat me to a holiday in the sun which I get ! He likes to keep costs low as he knows I don’t have much spare cash.

OP posts:
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