Expectations after a year together .

[Golfcaddymad]

I don’t want to give a ‘he does this ‘and ‘I do that ‘ scenario as I would dearly love your unbiased opinions .
After a year of being in a relationship , as two people who are in their early thirties who don’t live together, but one of whom is a house owner , what would average expectations be? Both working . Him professional job, high earning. Me low earning but full time work.
There have been no serious highs or lows. We meet a couple of times a week . I am possibly more keen generally and to to move to next step . He is not. What would You expect thanks . I don’t want to be unreasonable but I don’t want to wait forever for him to decide his future either . Thanks

Something else to add. When I met DH when we were both early 30s, he was very clear upfront on about our fourth date I think it was, that he was looking for a serious relationship and saw DCs in his future. On retrospect that was maybe a bit soon to be having those discussions, but there was never any doubt in my mind about where the relationship was heading.

It would be entirely possible for you to meet and start a family with someone entirely new within 2-3 years, so don't let sunk cost fallacy keep you with this man.

You sound poles apart on wants and finances. I wouldn’t be moving in a partner who couldn’t pay their half of bills and would be advising my children against doing this too. Unequal finances end up in resentment at some point from what I’ve seen.

He likes the casualness of the relationship which is fine but if you want more you may need to cut your losses and move on.

I must say by early 30s I'm also of the opinion that relationship'ls which are going to end up in marriage and children move quite fast.

I'd had and been happy in exclusive but fairly casual relationships like the one you're in, but when I met DH I sold my flat and we rented a house together (to avoid the inequality of one of us owning and one not) at about the 9 month mark, we bought together after 18 months, got married after just under 4 years together, had first DC after 5 years together.

Once you're early 30s you don't want to race but you do want to actually progress if it's the right relationship.

He may well be a lovely person. This may well also be as commited as he's ever going to be to anyone - DH has two career successful male friends who are now mud 40s and still serial monogomists, with a new nice girlfriend in her 30s every 18 months to 2 years. They're confirmed bachelors in the old fashioned way really and too comfortable to change. Both also have very, very tidy houses and lots of friends... Maybe it's a type! Nice people, not anyone's life partner though.

It depends upon how your body clock is ticking as to what you should actually do - just enjoy the here and now or break up because you want different things - I guess, but this probably isn't your future husband and father of your future children, just a pleasant relationship for now.

I really feel for you @Golfcaddymad - it must be horrible to read these responses and realise some of them are right however much you wish they weren’t. (I’ve been there!)

To be harsh, he sounds like a selfish man who wants what he wants, and isn’t too interested in what you want. What compromises is he making/willing to make to be with you? None is what it sounds like.

I don’t think there’s any such thing as right “expectations” as it so depends on the circs. But for context I’ve been in a relationship for a year and we’re planning to move in together before Christmas. That’s because we want a future together and want to see if it works ASAP, basically! On the other hand I’ve been in plenty of similar length relationships where that definitely wasn’t on the cards. I think you know why? You’ve probably been there yourself? Because one or both of us didn’t see it as a long term thing.

I’d have a serious chat with him, start being more assertive with your own plans and friends, and see what he does - as a last chance.

It seems a bit odd to me that he goes on holiday regularly with friends and family but doesn’t want to take you with him. I get that they are expensive and you can’t afford them but if I loved someone who had less money than me I would happily pay for that person to join me.

After 12 months I was living with my husband. After about 4 months we were sleeping at each other’s houses every night.

However, your partner sounds busy and a bit stuck in his ways.

Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship. I just wanted to pick up on one bit of your post "he's been to the end a few times with his mates"
I'll admit that the way my marriage started was anything but conventional but when we got engaged (sept) he already had a boys trip to Thailand planned (backstory is we got engaged two weeks after meeting so this trip was planned before he even knew me) he immediately added me to the trip-it changed the dynamic of course, and another of his friends also ended up taking his girlfriend-but what I'm trying to say is that when someone loves you they WANT to take you on holiday. As others have said instead of him going a couple of times he could have gone once and taken you along.
If you were happy with the way things are progressing, you wouldn't be posting. Work out what YOU want and take it from there-of that is someone who loves you when he sees you,but isn't bothered the rest of the time then go for it!

I think being in your 30s you need to seriously decide if you want kids or not. I’d not and you are happy with this level of commitment then carry on. If you want kids I would be honest with your DP and move on. Say it takes him 2-3 years to move in, another 2 or more to propose and another 1 to marry. Your fertile time is ticking away....

I wouldn’t be happy with the level of commitment you have, but I’m not the one dating him. You need to decide if you are truly happy and then be brave to change if you realize you are not

I don't think a year is very long. I'd give it another year and see how it goes. The most important thing is that you are both honest with each other and both listen to each other. If he is saying that he isn't sure he wants kids then it's daft of you to ignore him.

I don't see that he is doing anything wrong and you aren't doing anything wrong either.

It does make things more tricky if one side of a couple has a lot more money than the other but as long as you are able to talk about it openly it shouldn't be an insurmountable problem.

It sounds like you are at different stages in life. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, just that he is still happy pootering around, trying to build up career and capital, wants a lovely GF like you but not ready or even thinkig about settling down. I think you are at the stage where you want commitment and a life plan (DC etc) so I think you should start pulling back a little emotionally, expand your own interests and see where things go. A year isn't that long together but if you feel things have become routine rather than advancing then perhaps you should still be keeping your self open to other possibilities.

To be honest, i earn quite well.

I wouldnt be up for curbing my own lifestyle to pay for things for a boyfriend of a year.

If I wasnt planning on settling down, I certainly wouldn't be doing this.

If I decided I was ready and wanted to share my life with this person. Then I would have a serious think about it. What happens, going forward. I will have to pay a larger chunk of bills, holidays, a wedding etc.

Will the lower earner end up being a sahp? I have always said I didnt want to be a sahp nor did I want to ever be the sole earner. Both me and (now) exh, agreed this. So neither of us stayed at home.

Dating someone who earns less than me would be fine. Getting into a serious life long relationship would be for me.

I out earn DP. However, we earned similar when we met and had already decided to join finances, before I got a massive pay rise. He still pays half the bills, because he would hate not too. Half of holidays etc.

It's about finding someone who also wants the same as you and is in a position you are both comfortable with.

Some high earners wouldn't blink twice at paying for the majority. But not all.

Well, no, it's not that he's doing anything "wrong" at all. It's not wrong for him to like his life as it is and just have a girlfriend he can see when he fancies in the "girlfriend windows" of his schedule. But it doesn't seem like it's compatible with what OP wants - she seems to want a conventional marriage and partnership setup where you put each other first.

I could see him moving you in at some point OP but honestly I don't think that would change anything, you'd still be the doll in a box and I think you'd be waiting forever for a true partnership or a baby. The hard truth is that as a man, he can carry on this way for another 15 years and then easily and quickly settle down and have kids if he suddenly decides that's what he wants, but you can't.

Gosh this made for a hard read but thanks for replies . When we are together I am his world but he very easily puts distance between us then eg we will
Enjoy a perfect evening and day out and then in the stroke of six he will leave to go to his home or meet others , despit knowing that I’m a bit gutted the time together is ending. He will then organise to meet on the set day , which is normally two or three days after . It’s hard to accept that as we absolutely love the time together but he clearly needs lots more space in the relationship than me . The positive in this is that our time together has increased as the weeks and month go on so I had wished for more of an increase in the future.

Wow! That is clinical. What a horrible way to treat you.

I think Rookiemere's observation that he's treating you like a doll is spot on. He puts you back in your box when he's finished playing abc then you're all box fresh when he wants to play with you again.

He is making it very clear to you where you come in his priorities and it's not very near the top I'm sorry to say

My wife and i have been together 26 years. It Was nearly 3 years before we moved in together. I think we’d have both run a mile if we’d had the moving in conversation after 12 months!!

why are you accepting crumbs OP

To add we were 24 at the time so perhaps more understandable

I dunno, some people like their own space. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️If he is open and honest about wanting this then why shouldn’t he. If the OP were a man and they were demanding a women give p seeing their friends and family I suspect posters would be scathing of him and accusing him of trying to be controlling.
It’s all about communication and expectations. It’s a tricky situation but I don’t think the boyfriend is doing anything wrong.

I met my first husband in my late teens and we moved in with each other within a month. It was a mistake in retrospect, we were so young and foolish. I learnt my lesson though and didn’t move in with DH until we had been together for three years. Before that we just saw each other Friday night-Sunday night and that worked for us.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to live together after one year.

Everything changes when you live together, the whole dynamic of the relationship alters. I’d say a level of excitement maybe disappears because you no longer have chance to miss one another.

Why would he need to ‘be ready’ to give up his rich and varied social life at some point? Sounds like you’re different people and you’re waiting around for something that there has been no indication of. In my experience, if things are ever going to go anywhere you’ll both have declared your intentions way before the one year mark and feel very sure where you stand. The reason you feel unsure and questioning is because you’re trying to detect something in this situation that isn’t there. If you’re looking for a life partner then this guy is cock-blocking you. Move on.

I'd be wondering when we were getting married!

Being late teens / early twenties is not comparable at all. As a woman then you have years to fiddle about. Early 30s you don’t.

Going to put a different take on it.

You could be describing my situation a year ago: he was approaching 30, never really had a serious relationship, outearned me hugely. I am a few years younger and have had past relationships and had certain timeline expectations.

At 9 months he hadn’t told me he loved me but I was confused as it was by far the best relationship I had ever had. Spending 2/3 evening and overnights together a week. He said he thought 4-5 years was a good timeline to move in and marriage after that!!!

I put all my cards on the table. Told him I felt loved but needed to be told it to feel secure. That I was willing to wait a bit to move in but 4-5 years was too long as we could be wasting our time! It turned out he just hadn’t been in a relationship before, hadn’t really given much thought to timelines and was just plucking numbers out of thin air and was also terrified of doing things too quickly.

He said he would give it some thought and gradually started to share his thinking with me. Initially he agreed to a weekend away, followed by a longer holiday a few months later.

He was given notice on his flat 3 months later and I was gobsmacked that he asked to move in. We spent lots of time talking about how it would work; divide of finances, dividing together time and solo time, divide of housework.

6 months later we are blissfully happy. We ensure that those conversations are ongoing so we have adjusted some of our original arrangements but we really love living together, even doing separate things. He’s not scared any more and if he is, he shares his thoughts with me.

What really mattered was him sharing the his thoughts. We’re starting to cover marriage now and he says he’s not ready but explains he wants to do another big holiday and hit some other milestones first.

ShhhBeQuiet Nobody thinks he's doing anything wrong. He just isn't in the same place as the OP relationship or life wise. If she wants marriage and children he's not the right man because he won't be ready til it's biologically too late for her, if at all.

Nobody has said at all that he's doing anything wrong, but that the OP won't get what she wants out of this mismatched (priorities wise) relationship. If she just wanted a companion with no agenda he'd be perfect.

I agree with others that this man isn't doing anything wrong. He has in fact been clear and upfront about where he sees things at the moment, and about his uncertainty about whether he wants marriage and children. He's set in his ways, clearly not a spontaneous type, and is not leading the OP on with false promises.

However, the OP has much bigger, more immediate and more conventional hopes and dreams for this relationship, and as someone who is much the poorer partner AND the one who is more invested, she's in a very weak position in this dynamic. It's very unequal, through no fault of either person -- as the one in the financially stronger position, he would have to be the one to pay for her holidays if they are to start going away together, he would have to be the one who moves her into his house, thereby complicating relationships with his tenants. And, at this point at least, he doesn't want to. He wants his life as it is, with the OP in it regularly, but he doesn't want to change the fundamentals of how he lives and works and travels. Which is fine, only it isn't what the OP wants.

Trutfully, OP, if you want marriage and children and a conventional life together, I'd cut my losses and move on. You already sound very disempowered, and as though you don't have a lot going on in your life, and what there is you are sidelining for him. It might get better, from your point of view, but equally it might not.