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Original poster

Expectations after a year together .

156 replies

Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 19:04

I don’t want to give a ‘he does this ‘and ‘I do that ‘ scenario as I would dearly love your unbiased opinions .
After a year of being in a relationship , as two people who are in their early thirties who don’t live together, but one of whom is a house owner , what would average expectations be? Both working . Him professional job, high earning. Me low earning but full time work.
There have been no serious highs or lows. We meet a couple of times a week . I am possibly more keen generally and to to move to next step . He is not. What would You expect thanks . I don’t want to be unreasonable but I don’t want to wait forever for him to decide his future either . Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 22:49

I don’t expect him to stay home just because I don’t have money to holiday abroad .

OP posts:
kenandbarbie · 20/08/2019 22:51

Maybe you should! Maybe he should want to......

He went to the med with his friends a couple of times. He is generous but cannot afford to treat me to a holiday in the sun which I get !

A couple of times? So he could have gone once and planned something with you the other time. If he was into you and wanted to spend time with you.

Grobagsforever · 20/08/2019 22:52

So he owns a massive house and Pops to the med, you have a flat share?

Is he much older?

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 22:54

It’s joy a massive house . It’s a modern new build but not massive .we are the same age , early thirties

OP posts:
Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 22:54

*not

OP posts:
Solasum · 20/08/2019 22:55

He could have gone to the Med just once and taken you too OP. But he chose not to

Mermaidsinthesand · 20/08/2019 22:55

You sound like your beneath him, that's how you come across but you most certainly aren't beneath anyone

I agree you should move on, he is wasting your time never change

MsTSwift · 20/08/2019 23:04

The dynamics all wrong. Him clinging onto his set up you wanting more. Your boyfriend should surely be very keen to spend time together. I was 28 when I met dh at work. He moved in 3 months after our first date proposed 3 months after that. All he wanted was to be together and start a family he put that above everything else in his life. This is so half hearted.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 23:06

I don’t feel beneath him and he never made me feel like that i truthfully don’t have a problem with him going on holidays with his friends. He works hard in high pressure finance . I don’t earn a good wage . I can’t go because I don’t have that money to spend .

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 20/08/2019 23:16

I am sorry, I think you are a ‘linen girl’. Linen girls are/were young women, employed in low-level housekeeping roles, whose real purpose (whether they knew it or not) was to provide love interest and sexual opportunities for the young men of the household. There would be no intention of marriage, from the boy’s side. He would marry someone ‘suitable’ later.

Or the woman who is ‘ok for now’ until someone marriageable comes along.

Run a mental check - are you his partner, sharing every aspect of his life, or not? If not, move on.

OUwhatnext · 20/08/2019 23:16

OP your first post is almost identical to my relationship, and we are very happy with it! We see eachother a few times a week, and enjoy the time we spend together, no pressure and no stress but we are committed to eachother.

We have had quite a few weekends away though and are planning a holiday for next summer, he's met my dd and they get along.. all good.

Prisonbreak · 20/08/2019 23:19

1 year isn’t long to me. I wouldn’t be making big plans after a year. I was with my man 3 years before we spoke about moving in. But then I like my own company and I don’t want marriage and kids so I felt no rush

OrchidInTheSun · 20/08/2019 23:20

I've been the one earning a lot more in relationships and paid for treats because I wanted to share the experience with my partner. I've also been the recipient when the situation has been reversed.

He just isn't that into you.

I'm sorry, I know it's blunt but I don't want you waking up when you're 38 realising you've left it too late.

If you want to have children this man isnit the one.

Original poster
Golfcaddymad · 20/08/2019 23:21

But we are only together a year. Surely sharing every area of his life is premature? I did ask what expectations are after a year. I never thought so many posters would be in this deep. Perhaps I am deluded

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 20/08/2019 23:26

You are right at 23. At 33 you don’t have time frankly and a year is a long time. If he’s not that into you (as his beviour indicates sorry) after a year what’s going to change? If you don’t want kids there isn’t the time pressure so if that’s the case I wouldn’t worry if I did want kids I wouldn’t let this drift on much longer.

daisypond · 21/08/2019 07:35

The more you post, the worse it seems to me. He is just not that into you at all. He should want to spend more time with you.

choppolata · 21/08/2019 07:52

Perhaps he can't afford the mortgage without the tenants? Could you afford to live in his house and pay your way? You say he earns well but perhaps he knows he'd be living beyond his means if you moved in. Doesn't sound as if he wants to jeopardise his lifestyle.

KatherineJaneway · 21/08/2019 07:52

He can’t give me anymore right now but sees a future and talks about next year . I definitely am more in to the relationship than him but I i now he loves me and I am part of his future

Sounds like he is stringing you along. After a year you have a fwb relationship as far as I can see and it's all done according to what he wants / likes.

Grobagsforever · 21/08/2019 07:55

@barryfromclareisfit - did you mean for your post to be so rude and condescending? And also bizarre, somehow engineered to display your niche Victorian knowledge whilst trying to make the OP feel especially awful?

OrchidInTheSun · 21/08/2019 07:55

But it doesn't sound like anything is changing. In your early 30s, you should be seeing one another more than a couple of times a week if you're moving forward towards building a family. He is not doing anything to indicate that's what he wants.

He's happy with the status quo which is absolutely fine if you are too but you're not. Not much more to say really

rookiemere · 21/08/2019 08:08

OP if you were in your 20s most of what you've said would be fine. It's sensible of him to take time making sure he's certain before making the biggest commitment of his life. But you're not in your 20s so time is not on your side if you want a family. His family may like you and think you're great and well suited, but they can't force him to marry you and they'll be as pleasant to the next girlfriend who appears as they have been to you.

Ironically the only way you can truly test his attachment is by pulling away. At the moment it sounds like you're a doll in a box. If he wants to spend time with you - there you are waiting for him - if he doesn't- well that's fine too, he's secure in the knowledge that you'll be there when he does.

For your own self respect, start being a little less available. Take up a hobby, find a holiday you can afford to go on with friends or on your own. He'll only pull in if he senses you are moving away and who knows you might meet someone more suitable in the interim.

ukgift2016 · 21/08/2019 08:13

Sorry but it does sound like he is just not that into you.

I been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. We are planning on moving in together this year, he has made comments about marriage (in a jokey manner but still!) We see each other about 3/4 times a week and he has a good relationship with my DD.

He pays for me if I can't afford to do a treat or vice versa. We are a partnership.

In your 20s no it wouldn't matter but you are both in your 30s. If you want children and marriage then I would reconsider this relationship, you could be wasting your prime years with this man.

MsTSwift · 21/08/2019 08:34

What swung it for us was our first holiday together (after about two months). Going our separate ways at the airport felt weird and wrong. We both wanted to be together in the same place just didn’t feel right both sitting in flats with other people.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/08/2019 08:35

@Golfcaddymad Take him at his word. He isn't sure he'll ever want marriage or kids, and he's a long way away from you moving in.

Moving in is complicated here because he has tenants who may not be happy about you moving in too, and he needs the tenants to pay the mortgage... but realistically, that's always going to be the case until the mortgage is gone unless you can earn enough to cover half, and then go on the deeds (do not pay half and leave him as sole owner...)

But do you want marriage? Kids? He's telling you that he doesn't. He doesn't seem them in his future. He may well love showing you off now, he may love spending the allocated time with you, and you might be the apple of his eye... but he doesn't want any more right now. He's happy with how things are.

It doesn't matter if that would be acceptable to anyone else here, because he's told you his intentions. He is not going to agree if you meet him and say a forum told you it's reasonable for you to want to see him more, to have plans to move in, to have a baby. It's just an easier path than facing up to that you don't have much time to entertain his whims and see if things change.

If you don't want marriage or kids; and you're happy with this being as it is for a few years until either you can pay the mortgage or his feelings change, you can stick with it if you want. But I suspect that isn't the case if you already think he's slow.

It is hard, I'm sorry Thanks

BearRabbitPants · 21/08/2019 08:40

@Golfcaddymad sorry but your life sounds scarily like my old life with my ex. Saw each other 'set days' per week, if I couldn't afford to do something he'd bugger off & do it with a mate instead (ie. holidays, concerts etc) always had to split the bill 50/50 (even though he earned A LOT more than me) wasn't sure he wanted marriage, wasn't sure he wanted kids, wasn't sure about moving in together... after 4 years I forced the issue of living together & he begrudgingly agreed, it lasted 3 months before he walked out the 1st time & 6 months before it was all over. Upon moving In with him I saw him for who he really was , a selfish self centred man.

3 months later I met a man who I now call DHSmile- our 'Honeymoon period' when we first got together was wonderful we spent every waking moment together, within 6 months we'd already done a couple nights away, been out loads together & with friends, he'd met all my family, we decided to move in together so saved for deposit for a house and after 1 year moved in! That was 6 years ago and we're now on to house number 2, married & have 2 beautiful children.

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE ON THIS MAN- FINISH WITH HIM SOONER RATHER THAN LATER!!!!!

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