Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

I think if there was any advantage taking it was probably by me 😂 I didn't want to be on my own last night.
She said and apologised about all the right things, and seems to have a better grasp of why she behaved like she did. But I know there's a good chance it will happen again, and don't know if I want to put myself through that again.
We'll see, I've got plenty of time to think. But cards on the table, I still fancy the pants off her and love spending time with her. Apart from the headfuck stuff she's lovely 😂

All. There is obviously something in the air this week. Truly sorry for all those in pain... Hang in there..

So after Miss Old cancelled last night, I rang Miss Close to see if she was free - she was. Went round after work, and more DTD, but I have to say, that although there is physical chemistry, I'm simply not feeling anything else, and she definitely is..

Far far TMI, but I also found her very rough when handling sensitive areas, which I did not enjoy, and she uses her teeth (!) when snogging, so my tongue feels like it's been through a wrangler..

So I think she has to go... The difficulty is I'm pretty sure she has decided that I'm the man for her, and I'm just not sure how to end it - whatever happens, she will be hurt, and I'm not dating to hurt people...

Advice please gentle listers...

sunshine what notcool says is bang on the money. No Contact is POWERFUL. For you primarily, but it will also...if he has any ego about him....get his wheels running. I'd put money on him coming back round. Mr Drummer did with me. A month after I ignored his first 'soft' texts he came back with missing me, it was amazing, blah blah. I told him it was done, I was done, there was nothing to come back to. So, he then sent tortured texts about his family situation and why I should hear him out. So I did....I didn't want to be a bitch. I kept my line intact but it did set me back mentally on the road to healthy recovery from the headfuckery.....I should have just sent him the number of a therapist and told him to sort his shit out instead of landing it at my door.....I guess all i'm saying is, I wish i'd blocked him way back before he could come around headfucking again

@Averageguy sorry no advice from me as I hate the let-down part too... I just wanted to express my amazement that she uses teeth when kissing...?!? Wow. That’s a ... skill??

I somehow missed your update @Ant330! No judgement here, the need for physical contact and intimacy when grieving and emotional is strong and she took advantage of that. Damn her and her lovely hair. I’m sure you’ve got your head screwed on but don’t do what I used to and absorb someone else’s issues into your own. You need to be with someone strong enough for herself, not to be propped up by you. And to have enough emotional intelligence to recognise and work through her flaws and not expect you to do it for her.

Thanks for all the warm fuzzies, I do read all the threads and love to hear everyone’s news, even if I can’t keep track of all the irons 😂

For what it’s worth, I started having therapy in May (not long after I met Mr Eagle). I had loads of emotional baggage related to my childhood, my marriage breakdown (his infidelity), my disabled child, the breakdown of my next significant relationship and a ton of other crap. I nearly sacked off Mr Eagle as I didn’t recognise his niceness - I wasn’t used to someone being kind, thoughtful, caring. I had grown up with a very narcissistic mother (properly NPD, not the oft-bandied around term thrown around on MN far too much) and was used to being self sufficient, emotionally neglected and feeling unloveable.

I’d picked the same in a husband, someone who met his own emotional needs and not mine, and then again in my last ex. I’ve finally, in therapy, learned to recognise the patterns and behaviours and how I can manage them and interpret them. And instead of switching Mr Eagle off for being “too nice” I finally recognised a good man instead of an emotionally unavailable one.

Sorry for the brain dump and long essay but I see a lot of posters on here who seem so similar to me, and I’m sure share a lot of my qualities and experiences! Overthinking, giving too much to people who don’t deserve it and not recognising the good ones but drawn repeatedly to the tools. Not even bad boys, but men and women who are just not right for them and who don’t meet their emotional needs. This doesn’t make them bad people at all - they’re just not right for you.

In summary, my counsellor tells me to listen to how people make you feel. Not what they say, or even what they do, but how they make you feel. And if they make you feel anxious, or inadequate, or criticised, or unimportant, or insignificant, then walk away. As painful as it is we need to stop settling for these people.

There endeth the sermon 😁

@Ant330 If it were me.....keep that notion of her doing it again high in your mind. Headuckery is not a price you should have to pay for great chemistry. In my experience, people show you who they are early on. You show them what you'll tolerate. But we are all adults, so if you know what the score is....I guess you just adjust accordingly. And perfectly understandable you wanted some affection last night

Thanks folks, I've not had a wink of sleep and spent much time churning through things. I've reached the conclusion:

F U C K ! F U C K ! F U C K !

@Sidge that is a brilliant post that really resonates. I just typed a quite long post but felt it was too personal to put up and I appreciate you posting your personal journey.

Your last paragraph about how someone makes you feel is where I am having severe difficulties with what happened yesterday. You see I mainly did get the feeling she loved and cared about me, and this phone call from her seemed like colossal self sabotage, right out of the blue. Then another part of me thinks I just wasn't what she needs and only she knows what that magic formula is. I was probably a nice to have.

As ever, Baggage Reclaim has been there:

“Sometimes people become stifled by a situation often of their own making, triggering anxiety and fears about being vulnerable, intimate and committed. Some like the idea of doing stuff more than the reality, and when the future they’ve often billy-bullshitted you and Future Faked about starts getting too close for comfort, they extricate themselves in a big way. They may genuinely have believed that they were going to be and do as they’d committed themselves to but if they were honest, they’d acknowledge that going out with a bang was always a ticking time bomb.”

“Some are not the type to engage in an open and honest dialogue with you in the relationship. When they experience anxiety, their feelings change, there are problems etc, they may not say anything and then erupt out of the relationship like they have a hot poker up their bum. You might wonder what you could have done differently – unfortunately if someone’s way in over their head, you’re not going to know about it until they say or do something or you ask. Even then they may not tell you.”

Love that advice from your therapist sidge. Mr S started off making me feel amazing. And then I felt insecure and unsure of myself. Which kept getting bigger and bigger until we ended. Mr B currently makes me feel none of those negative things.

FMFL she sort of "scrapes" the tongue with her teeth as she "kisses" - not at all pleasant.

As to sensitive areas I think she was trying to pull it off at one point..

Hairyarsedman

Sidge Excellent advice. How you feel is the only reasonable reality check you can make on an interpersonal situation.

average well if it’s not there, it’s not there sadly. As it’s so early on, personally I would message her rather than phone call or face to face, but others may differ on that. It sucks big time, but you have to be honest - and kind.

hairyarsed I’m so sorry. Clearly the reasons are all her, not you. If she’s emotionally unavailable, there is nothing you can do.

@AverageGuy You could try to direct her? But if she's getting feels beyond you then yes, it's time to end it gently and kindly. I once slept with a man who was so rough I could barely walk the following day, when i told him he said 'Oh are you over sensitive?'....eh no pal, it has the most nerve endings on the human body, you shouldn't be trying to erase it out of existence

@marlbs yes I can keep the emotions in check. All my FWBs have been Mr Right Nows and not Mr Rights which makes it easier

Sidge great post, and kudos for sharing part of your journey. I've also been through counselling, and wouldn't feel brave enough to post about it...

Love the baggage reclaim quote hairy. Fits my situation too. If someone is unavailable that's their issue. And unless we are also unavailable, the healthy thing to do is go to walk away.

Ooh averageman. Did you give her any feedback or try and guide her whilst it was happening. I'm learning that what one man likes another doesn't etc. So maybe these were things that really worked for her ex?! I'd be mortified to think a man hated what I'd been doing to him. But I hope I'd pick up on it during and adjust accordingly.

SuperCali NottCool again far far tmi, but when she squeezed my, er bits too firmly for my liking, I said that it was too rough, but she sort of made a joke of it (something about no-one else ever complaining), and carried on regardless.

I'll consider the best way to extract myself from the situation with kindness and respect, but it ain't gonna be easy...

@averageguy in no way against you at all but she sounds emotionally stunted to me. Noone should be that upset after two dates even when dtd.

sidge excellent post. Thank you. Mr Big for the most part makes me feel amazing in many ways but he also makes me feel unimportant and insignificant. I am hoping to do the Freedom Programme soon which I think I need. I wonder if I should give it all up for a while but I know I need to swipe and chat so as not to run back to Mr Big

@AverageGuy how long have you been seeing her?

Mr SAS called me yesterday to end things but I'd had some warning, which I appreciated in the way of a "I need to talk to you when you're free" text that morning. There's only one way that conversation is going so I had mentally prepared myself a little by the time I spoke to him. It can be quite difficult to know what to say when it's sprung on you. Good luck, I'[m sure she'd rather you be honest now than drag it out any longer.

@averageguy A whole new meaning to giving it a tug! If someone had carried it on with me after being told I would (and have) tell them exactly where to stick it. You need to stand up for yourself more.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 Completely understand that - it does help to get over someone.... The thing with me was - a lot of what kept me in the unhealthy dynamic was validation seeking for self esteem... and the carousel never ends. I knew i'd just get back on there with someone else. And I couldn't have that. So I took a couple of months off and It took me a while to decide precisely what my needs were, what boundaries were non-negotiable and would result in an instant departure. I dunno if I could have done that whilst actively swiping. If you decided to take a break you could prevent yourself going back with a total delete and block?

@averageguy jeez. 'I think I know my own penis thankyouverymuch'

I am going to steer clear of labelling anyone as emotionally unavailable - I feel plenty of emotions were available and out there. I think she just felt I wasn't right for her and she hid it for too long and fell into being kind to me until she just had to detonate things. I'd prefer to say honest communication wasn't established, in favour of people pleasing behaviour.

In the end if she can't love me, she can't but that doesn't mean she won't find someone she can.

For my part I need to recognise that the small crumbs of affection I had in my long term relationship likely helped me view her affections disproportionately.

Bloody hell average. I'd just end it on text.

marls I've stayed on the apps for distraction. And to an extent it's worked. But I'm way of doing what supercali said and getting into the same thing again. And I'm still hurt. That hasn't gone yet. But I am having a nice time with Mr B as well.

All,
Thanks for the support! I am still aching...

Ginmel quite possibly, hence I need to tread lightly.

sunshine just a week...

Simon Agreed. Maybe I was trying to please too much, and didn't want to spoil the mood.

Supercali point taken

Notcool I don't think I can - it feels too harsh, even though it's just been a week, and we have only seen each other twice. I'm aware of her feelings, and think it would be cruel.