Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

That's another good quote @Ginmel

I haven't really caught us the thread as I've had dc for the weekend. Mr Rs birthday date was successful and we're hoping to catch up mid week. It's so hard finding time to date when you've got children.

I'm about ten pages behind on thread so will catch up now.

@coffeeandchocolate9 if he was anything like the manager I referred to, he was mirroring what you were saying in a way that you think he was on the same page. It's horrible. It's like they are saying something but actually aren't.

It was tough because it'd come out in a way I wanted to hear but if I was disagreeing on something with a colleague, they'd also think he agreed with them.

If I ever have a manager like that again, I'm leaving!

sends chocolate tissues and hugs

Thank you @jesuisprest - wtf is wrong with people? It's so hard isn't it - you struggle out of abusive relationships, you work on your self esteem, you work on boundaries and a hundred other things, you put yourself out there and you get knocked down over and over again. I need to step away for a bit I think.

And yep only in hindsight did I realise he actually wasn't saying much at all. Headfuck

@stealthninjamum glad you had a good date with Mr R. 😍

Good quote Ginmel. Sunshine and Putastraw...I have no words. What absolute bastards people can be. Awful.

Thanks @Ginmel given that a year ago I thought I was a happily married woman it's all happened quickly. i'm very happy but wish I could see him every day and introduce dc but it's not even been 4 months so I have to be sensible which doesn't come naturally to me.

@Ginmel yeah, I guess mirroring would fit with not wanting to give his own opinions, at least not first.

Budges up in blanket fort, for @putastrawunderbaby and accepts chocolate tissues (that's how I read it first time 🤪 ) and hugs from @ginmel 💙

Crikey Ginmel that thought of the day hit a nerve!
Putastraw it's truly horrible but he's a troll. Like JeSuis said, I've got no idea why somebody would spend their time doing that to other people, but it tells you what a sad little life they must be living!
Coffee he sounds a bit immature, almost like he thinks the things he's saying make him look big??
But from here he sounds immature and manipulative tbh.

I had a guy on POF send me a message of his own accord to say I looked 10 years older than what I am.

Just getting his twisted jollies imo.

I'm sorry you were treated like that, but it's definitely all about his horrible small mind and nothing to do with you at all.

Thinking about the saying "when a person tells you who they are, believe them."

Mr Joker is quite self depreciating. I will give him a little compliment and he'll say something like "I'm awful really" and then list a fault like being lazy or somesuch. Nothing awful at all, completely within the realm of normal human behaviour.

I'm not English, so sometimes the subtleties of your humour go over my head. When does self depreciation turn into low self esteem and how can I tell the difference? He seems quite confident and comfortable in himself in most things, but then he tells me this is a front...!

Hey @putastrawunderbaby from another random dude on the internet, you're a fine woman with a great capacity to love and be loved. I hope that cancels out his poisonous nonsense

Glad @WhatWhyWhen that you didn't let that utterly self absorbed guy spoil your week either.

I saw a couple of statements of frustration up thread from @FMFL and @supercali77.

@FMFL I almost, almost agreed that it's pretty rare to find someone with an uncomplicated situation and an open heart via online. When you consider the numbers of people involved (was it 10 million I read recently online in the UK?) I might consider that maybe half of those will be looking for something more than casual. There's got to be someone in there.

@supercali77 Do you think lack of time is really critical ? I knew with a child to look after I would have to accept and be grateful to love and be loved whenever the moments arrived. Maybe that's too romantic a view ? I guess this is that question of how to go on living your life well for yourself while having the space for someone else.

@Ginmel "At your absolute best you still won't be good enough for the wrong person"

I presume this is to mean that the wrong person puts you down and treats you badly. It made me think as MsM&M said she wasn't good enough for me but there was no way on earth I was doing that to her.

@HairyArsedMan I don't think a wrong person has to be bad. They just aren't the best person. For example, I know I need to date alpha men. If I date a beta I won't suit them and they won't suit me. I wouldn't hurt them or put them down. I'd just be the wrong match for them and them for me.

Ps. Sorry for cliche expressions

I totally get you ginmel as I'd run rings around a Beta, not intentionally to hurt. I'm much better suited to an Alpha, even just to curb my own dominant traits iykwim.

I get that too @TooOldForThis67

I genuinely don't even want to dominate in a relationship. I just need a man who can take the lead and be confident in doing so. I can only let down my guard with alpha men.

Do currently have a little doubt on whether Mr Unexpected is going to be alpha enough but he's only a Mr Right Now anyhow so I'll see..

I’m need someone similar to me alphawise, I find passive people really hard to cope with.

@HairyArsedMan I suppose for me it's about where my focus goes. I've invested a lot in 2 long relationships for the last 20 years and I promised myself this year would be about work (artist, big show next year). I also work another job and have my daughter 50/50. So...its more about the fact that I just dont want to put my mental/emotional stakes into relationships this year.....does that make sense?

Sorry...I really don't like the 'alpha male' expression. I find it constricting and gender stereotypical. Can't men and women take the lead sometimes and not others?

Oh wow @Ginmel sometimes you post things and I think that could be me writing that 😂

I need a man to be strong minded enough to take the lead. Due to my occupation, I'm in charge all day I make all the big decisions. So I need a man who is confident enough to to just take the lead, it doesn't have to be all the time. Outside of work. Plus it always creates more doubt in my mind, even if they are just laidback and let me take the lead. I start to not believe they are into it. So I walk away.

Thanks @hairyarsedman

@Sunshineandflipflops I think I have heard people calling that scenario an alpha pair.

@SimonJT I'd just say it's a couple!

Alpha male or female are just personality types. It's a scientific fact that some have these qualities and some don't.

It doesn't make someone less of a person because they carry either traits. It's actually better to understand your own personality and knowing what type of person you fit with.

I'm a strong minded woman, if I met a laidback man it doesn't work for me personally.

@simonJT I'm sure you can put me straight if I'm wrong here but the gay dating world has a great variety of classifications for different personality types right? E.g. top, bottom, femme, butch, daddy, bear etc.

Alpha and beta is as far as the straight dating world seems to have got.