Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Hi Sunshine, re dating an alcoholic - in these meetings there is a 12 step programme you work through to get into the issues you had that caused you to drink. Has he done these or started the steps. They also suggest not dating for a year and to have emotional sobriety. Does he have children, he’s been very drastic moving etc - he may seem honest - but keep your eyes and ears open.
The 12 steps involve making amends with people you have harmed with the drinking, having a higher power (doesn’t have to be God) and many others.

Hi @Mary1935 I don't know what he's done re steps but he is helping others and talking in prisons about his experiences.

Has anyone ever matched someone just to give them advice? I keep having to fight my instincts

Just seen one who has liked me (Bumble) and he says “after a relationship but feeling really down and missing the touch of a woman so casual to start with”. I mean CMON. Who is going to ever go out with him if he doesn’t change what basically says “WILL SHAG ANYONE AS AM SAD”.

Oh and yes, me swearing off, hating all men, and deleting my apps lasted approximately as long as my realisation I have a child free week and some victim blaming wanker isn’t spoiling that!

So I've tried causal dating and it's just not for me. Even with a guy I absolutely want no future with or have feelings for. But I just found myself wanting him to want me more, to be in contact more. To just give me those butterfly moments. They obv didn't come and I just got annoyed at him.

Which isn't his fault at all.

But I wondered what others felt about causal dating and how it worked for them?

@lifegoes I'm the same, I'm casually seeing someone who there is absolutely no future with and his life is a complete mess. But I find myself frustrated that he hasn't called to check I'm ok, or not being proactive on organising dates even though he wants to see me. At the end of the day it's just casual but I don't think I'm cut out for casual.

It only works for me if I don't like him much, and then I become quite contemptuous of him in my head, and I don't like that about myself.

So I have to like him, and then it really needs to be a relationship. Fwb sounds ideal on the surface but realistically I don't think I can do it. I'm still pondering on it but this is where I've come to at the moment.

Today I turned down an 'offer' of fwb (I mentioned him upthread, we matched on OKC and it turns out he's in the same course as me starting next month, far too close for comfort) and messaged Mr Nice with a thanks but good luck type thing.

I'm meeting someone on Wednesday for coffee as I'll be in the area anyway, but I think that's just going to be a friends thing. He's in an open marriage (apparently) and in the market for a ...whatever. I'm not convinced about such setups tbh. But he's actually a genuinely interesting person so I don't mind being friends.

Mr Joker is obviously still way out front, especially after thinning the pack today.

Lifegoes and Aleesha I’m exactly the same. I can’t do casual, I’m finding, yy to finding myself wanting him to contact me, call me etc and when it didn’t happen I got upset. The trouble is, I’m only finding men who want casual! Finding someone I like who likes me back and isn’t just after a quick shag is like searching for the Holy Grail. Beginning to think such men don’t exist.

@WhatWhyWhen Yes! So many profiles I've seen and just died inside for them.

So I'm meeting MrAd for dinner on Tuesday. We've chatted for most of the day again and I think I definitely need to meet him to get a feel for whether we even fancy each other and three take things from there.

@Aleesha1 exactly the same. I'm so pleased I'm not the only one.

Because I absolutely know I don't like him in that way, and he's done nothing wrong. I find myself wanting something, like excitement etc. But like you I found it was me arranging dates and he wanted me in that manner. That I have no doubt. But I wanted the smile you get when they text. Knowing they are excited to see you. But because this was sex only. None of that came... unless it was on the same day. But I was someone to want me. I'm not sure if that's him as a man or how causal sex should be.

That's exactly it @MoreNiceCereal I do not like him in any other way than he's on the same sex wavelength as me. But then I got angry at him for not being more. Even tho I actually told him to not be texting me all the time.

@FMFL 100%. Such a relief to know I'm not the only one who has the exact same feelings. You also become stuck as you can't say the exact reason why you are angry at them 😂

Interesting discussion about casual. I'm seeing someone casually. I'm still on the apps (as is he, but he says he's not looking). I am looking and chatting to others. No one seriously. But 2 want to meet up.

Tonight he said something that made me wonder if he was on a date. I said I didn't mind if he was. But then I realised actually I did mind. But that doesn't change that I don't want a serious relationship with him. I honestly didn't expect to be bothered. So it's thrown me a bit.

Can you be casual and exclusive. Does that really work. How do you know if one person wants more. Doesn't it stop you from looking for someone you could be serious with etc...

Lots to think on.

@lifegoes yes so true! I’ve actually found that I chase a little harder when they eventually drum up the enthusiasm to message. So self-destructive. I do keep wondering if it would be a good idea to be more upfront and at what point it’s acceptable to have a conversation about casual v dating. The times that I’ve almost plucked up the courage to ask, the guy generally goes quiet and answers my unasked question that way! My boundaries are slowly becoming stronger though... the sexter earlier on Bumble just got unmatched, normally I’d persevere despite the evidence!

Case in point. As the wonderful Supercali predicted, flaky ol’ Mr Bucket came back with messages. We’re 4 dates in after 4weeks, and I have no idea what he wants from the situation. Is it a good idea to message him tomorrow with a version on ‘look, really like you, but not sure where this is heading, I’m not really up for a casual relationship so if that’s what you’re after we should part ways’? I’d be gutted but at least I’d know. And then I could work on forgetting him. Good idea or worst idea ever?

I'd take knowing over not knowing, personally.

Yeh rule 12. Ask. Much better to know. Xx

@MoreNiceCereal thanks. Yes. He’s so damn flaky but I don’t know if that’s my projection of my feelings on our ‘relationship’. I am scared of frightening him away but of course if I do there was no relationship to start with. It’s just wording it so that I don’t come across as a slightly unhinged fling!

@Notcoolmum I am casual and exclusive. I know I should be looking for 'the one' but life is busy enough and I find myself working round his free dates as he has set childcare weekends. I know I should give him up but that leaves me with nothing at all and I don't feel ready for that. The apps are serving up nothing and if I ever even get a date, that has led to nothing too. So I stick with something that really isn't enough for me because it fills a void of sex and pretend intimacy because he doesn't offer me anything else. Case in point, texting yesterday during day, he says conversation getting too deep so I say sorry. Nothing heard since. Will probably get standard morning text today and that's it. Just breadcrumbs but because it's 'casual', I'm meant to be ok with that. Sorry to drone on!!!

@FMFL I reckon it's a good call, that line is perfect but i'd remove the 'really like you' stuff. Don't validate this hot/cold flake, the way he operates is not likeable. Also, be prepared, theres every chance he'll come back with ' become something more/see where it goes' stuff. He might even say he's not after casual either. None of that means he knows his arse from his elbow or that he'll suddenly stop flaking. Happened like this several times in my shituation. Push. Pull. Push. Pull. So I agree, give him the opportunity to be straight about it.....but ya know be prepared for further headfuckery 😉

I also thought i could do casual but I really can't. I actually think its anathema to who we are, its corrosive and like a weird fever being passed around as a by product of the apps and the ceaseless search for 'more'/'better'. People as products/consumer culture. Jeez 6am and I'm waxing philosophical. Either way, my life for the next year has no room for a person to love/be loved by, but dawning realisation that casual intimacy breaks me.....I'm in a quandary

All of my FWBs have been casual but exclusive. I mention this expectation in the first few messages as well as be clear about what I'm looking for. I don't know if it's an age thing as I think I'm older than most of the you but all of the FWBs I've had have also wanted exclusivity, or so they do... Either way though because I've been upfront about what I'm looking for, it's never an issue to discuss later. These guys are all very much Mr Right Nows because that's all I want. If i/they wanted more it'd end.

I don't want a full on relationship with my FWB so the expectations and comms are very much a friend with benefits. I smile when I get their messages and he'd need to want my company, not just sex but that's just part of the whole thing for me. No idea if this all helps or not. This type of relationship just works for me really well.

How exciting @Sunshineandflipflops. Your date is tomorrow!

@Ginmel interesting food for thought. I've always been implicit rather than explicit about my expectations.....tbh I've never given much thought to what I actually want but it feels like I need to now

Glad it helps @supercali77 I'm very glad upfront about what I want but I also know what I do and don't want. It's hard for anyone else otherwise if we don't know what we want ourselves, and if we don't know or don't define it we can be end up in situations that don't work for us.
I've no fear about being explicit - if we don't aren't looking for the same it's best to know now.

@supercali77 thank you (again) ... I drafted a really long message to him in the early hours but haven’t sent it yet...I’ll go through and remove any references to how I feel about him. And you’re right, I’m treating this as though it’s going to elicit the truth... in reality it may not. I hadn’t seen it that way.

@Ginmel Yes, tomorrow!

That really helped @Ginmel with my previous he wasn't exclusive (well I don't believe he was) and whilst I knew he wanted to have sex with me when he could. I never felt he made any effort.