Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Sorry if I was a bit blunt, it just comes from experience, and also being someone that habitually gives everyone a chance and overlooks the flags. And wind up getting hurt, or hurting someone.

Just noticed your post coffeeandchocolate. This sounds like a potential difference in character which is hard to overcome I think. Hard to say more when I'm not sure what sort of conversations he's swerving. If you want to discuss your relationship then rule 22 absolutely applies here. We should never be worried hat by asking where we stand in our relationship that we risk 'ruining' it. We are an active part of our relationship and entitled to understand and discuss where the other party sits on it.

Rule 12!! We might make it to rule 22 one day 🙈😂

It would be a no from me too for a recovering alcoholic 8 months into the AA program. Think about how up and down dating is. A lot of recovering A's have their shit together, they have to, but it's kinda 2 extremes. It takes a while to reach equanimity, learning to relax, getting over the evangelical part of giving it up....

@WhatWhyWhen You’ve had a lucky escape there, what an absolute tool.

I’m on the train back to London, the aircon has broken in 1st class, it’s like being in an actual sauna. Only half an hour to go thank god.

Well I didn’t need to spend the last week or so shitting my pants as we had a really nice time. MrNN however is now a very bright shade of red, even his scalp is burned!

Ah, he's messaged to say how nice it was and that 3 hours passed quickly, etc. No asking for another date.

I'm very friendly and chatty and I think he's just not noticed the lack of flirting.

cereal I'd let him down now. Lovely to meet you. Sadly for me I just didn't feel that spark. Good luck in your dating journey.

@Sunshineandflipflops I dated someone for about 6 weeks who was a recovering alcoholic, also lovely, very grounded and self aware so I'm inclined towards giving this guy a chance. However, with my bloke, AA was a whole way of life and being with him was like buying in to someone being an evangelical convert - if he wasn't at a meeting he was mentoring, and it took up so much of every day. It really was a whole way of life.

@whatwhywhen no words......what an utterly self absorbed and unfeeling individual, with a serious attitude problem towards women

@cereal every man who really wanted to see me again asked for the second date (and when) whilst out. If they were ambivalent or not interested they'd leave it more open. Could just be the men I meet but he may not be really feeling it either and is waiting for your reaction...

@Coffeeandchocolate9 what kind of thing won’t he answer? Always makes me wonder if I’ve asked things when I read things like Ike this. Would worry me though like @Notcoolmum said better to ask and know than find out too late

I'm just after a little advice please. I have had a difficult few weeks as I found a lump in my armpit around 2 weeks ago and the doctor thought it was just an infection so put me on antibiotics and referred me to the breast clinic. The lump and pain has now gone so it looks as if she was right but of course it has been playing on my mind a lot and I have been really stressed, worried and I hate to say the word needy with Mr Carribbean but I haven't told him why. I have my appointment next week and I will be going just to make sure. We have been seeing each other (don't know what to call it) for 2 months so I don't know if I should tell him and have him potentially worrying for nothing or just leave it. I want to say the L word to him but we are so far off saying that and I don't want to love bomb him and make sure that this scare hasn't just made me worry for the future so I have written all my feelings down in a letter to give him at Christmas if I'm still feeling the same

Dancer if it were me this is definitely something I would share - what's the point of a relationship if you cant be there for each other?

And re lump I had similar 2 years ago, just before ex left me (and he wasnt there for me) and thankfully it turned out to be nothing but was worrying time so sending you hugs x

@coffee so was he avoiding answering questions or were you asking him to change in some way? Bit confused so sorry if I misunderstood

@Neverexpected2 that's what I was thinking that just being a stressy cow and not telling him why is just stupid but then I don't want to worry him if it's nothing. I completely blew up at him on Friday for cancelling plans because his youngest missed him when he is spending all weekend with his kids. I sent him a huffy I guess I will talk to you on Tuesday text when all I wanted to do was text him come and hold me because I'm scared.
Would it be best to tell him by text, video call or wait until I see him but I don't know when that will be as I also had a car accident last week the wrote off my car and I hate the hire car.

Dancer - I think you should tell him. He may be relieved to find out it's something you're going thro rather than plain crabbiness? You could do the whole 'hey, sorry for being a bit wound up, but ......' or just drop it into a msg 'I've got an appt on ..... about .... and really worried'. You dont have to do face to face.

@simonjt glad all went great!

Funnel that has me more worried about Mr Joker now - he has been busy today with a large project (he's told me all about it, definitely not a "project") and we haven't chatted much. No asking me out again either. frets

Ginmel!!!!

Dancer if you're not going to see him for a while I'd ring and explain what's been going on personally

Thanks for your thoughts on my situation with MrAd. We have had a few more messages back and forth and I asked him if he felt he was emotionally ready to be dating at the moment. He said that he's dealt with a lot of crap recently and feels he is ready and has a lot to give but would understand if I just wanted to meet as friends. Which I guess is what we are doing really on a first date.

I really appreciate this thread though as it's not something I'd want to talk to anyone I know about and it made me ask him a question that previous me would have shied away from.

He told me I can ask as many questions as I like.

@cereal second iron may be a bit of a slow burner. It definitely happens on here. Maybe don't rule him out just yet.

Evening peeps, haven't been on the last few threads but just checking in now as I think I'm about to be ghosted by iron I've been seeing for 3 months and I thought it was going well. We message everyday as we live about an hour and a half apart, both have kids etc, so have only seen each other handful of times. I stayed once at his when kids away and he stayed once at mine a couple of weeks ago when kids away. I asked him start of this week if he fancied meeting for coffee this weekend. He said yes, he would arrange something and let me know. Yesterday morning I messaged him late morning as no message about meeting up. He said he couldn;t make it as his mum was going away so couldn't borrow her car. Few messages after, initiated by me (has been like that for the last few days whereas before was both of us initiating) and last message about 9.30pm last night. No communication at all today......I refuse to message first . Why can't they just send a message to say they aren't interested any longer? He's 40 FFS and seemed nice, head screwed on and normal (opposite of my abusive ex).Maybe I jinxed it by deleting all my deactivated profiles last week as I thought we were progressing (we had a chat one night about whether we were girlfriend/boyfriend but we'd had a few and I can't remember what he said lol). Lost hope again, I'm staying of the sites for a while. I'm off on holiday with Dcs to Florida a week today so I'm going to focus on us and then buy 120 cats when I get back and accept the fact that I'm going to be single forever !!

scotgal - I'd just enjoy your holiday and forget about him. I'm all in favour of the cats though, lol.

Crisis averted, we are discussing second date opportunities. He's away for a week starting Thursday so it won't be for a while though. Fingers crossed he doesn't get bored of me in the meantime.

Hi all, just checking in, need to go back and read a lot of the thread but hope everyone is ok? I’m back on the apps (well, Bumble only so far) and one match today. Unfortunately he started talking about his dick around three messages in so he got unmatched very quickly! Sigh.