Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

If not drinking doesn't bother you @Sunshineandflipflops all the more reason then to give him a chance. Not all that alcoholics even go to aa, let alone stay in it. As always listen to your instinct. Its your guardian angel.

@Notcoolmum I don't know about the relationship thing. He says he's unofficially been sober for 10 months, officially 8.

His underlying issues were an unhappy marriage and working 14/15 hour days. Neither of which are a factor any more.

He really does seem to have his shit together ...even more so than other guys I've chatted to/dated who weren't recovering alcoholics.

We'd already said that if we don't want anything romantic when we meet, we'd love to be friends as we really do laugh so much and have so much to talk about so I think I'm going to see what happens when we meet. The decision could be made for me if we don't fancy each other.

Sunshine I’d swerve sadly, not because of his past, I’d date someone who’d had issues in the past (unlike MrRock clearly ), but because he’s had so much change and isn’t far into his journey.

I talked and went on 2 dates with someone earlier in the year who was newly recovering from cocaine addiction, we got on amazingly, spent hrs on the phone yada yada, then he realised that he couldn’t handle the emotions a relationship brought as he still needed total focus on sorting his life out from the damage of the addiction. So we called it as friends and he tapped me up 2 months later to borrow £50, so clearly slipped! God I can pick them!!

So for me, he’s not going to be able to give you the focus you need right now, or is very unlikely to be able to.

On that issues front though, I think lots of non addicts have deep rooted issues too. Sure they may not have used alcohol drugs etc to try to blanket out their issues but if you took a sample of men on OLD who are alcoholics vs not and did some psych tests on them, it wouldn't surprise me if the alcoholics in program and working on staying sober are more aware of their issues than others.

Another side note @Sunshineandflipflops you'll need to appreciate getting sober isn't the challenge, it's staying sober.

Thank you all. I expected differing opinions and what we have experienced in our own pasts inevitably shape our future decisions and advice to others.

We have more talking to do and I'm not making any decisions further than meeting him at this point. I've come to realise that most single men (and women) of 40-ish have issues or past experiences they'd rather forget about. No-one is perfect, including me.

I agree with that @Sunshineandflipflops and good luck. I judge men as I would hope they judge me - who I am today and how I'm dealing with my own issues and life and moving forward, not who I've been in the past. Of course there'd be exceptions like violence, abandoning kids etc that I'd walk away from but until we've walked a mile in someone else's shoes we really don't (and) can't know them.

Frankly sometimes I think if people were a bit gentler with each other, the society could be a happier place.

Ginmel have to agree with both your posts, no one reaches this age undamaged and I guess those who’ve had to front up may have more awareness of it? And everyone should be kinder!

Maybe worth the first meet sunshine and you’ll figure out if he’s far enough along his journey.

MrSAS wasn't an alcoholic but boy does he have issues 😕

@Sunshineandflipflops think it has to be a gut feel. I don’t think I could but that’s more because of own parents issues that I wouldn’t trust him to stick to it . Some people completely turn their lives around. Love his honesty. Major tick that! He might be a good one

My ex husband wasn't an alcoholic but when he drank, boy did he drink. He could never just go out for one and would often end up coming home in the early hours and then be cross with me for being angry because I was worried and couldn't sleep.

I'll take a recovering alcoholic who doesn't drink over that 😐

Wow. You could be a great partner for him then @Sunshineandflipflops

If you'd said you wanted someone who can handle their drink, I'd not have said that btw.

I do enjoy a glass of wine and the odd g&t but it's not a deal breaker for me to have to drink with someone. If I want a drink, I can drink when I'm not with him. This is if we ever want to see each other again after the first time of course. He could take one look at me and run for the hills 😂

He won't

Now about planning your wedding reception?

@Ginmel 😂

I really am a two feet on the ground at all times kind of person but this one has really got my attention ☺️

Help.

Met with Mr Nice today, but no spark really. I think I probably could have felt differently if Mr Joker hadn't come along but I'm all aflutter over him and really need to put a stop on things with Mr Nice. He obviously likes me more than I like him. :(

How do I say thanks but no thanks in a nice way? There's genuinely nothing "wrong" he's just not for me.

Couldn't resist
You deserve someone brilliant. I would say remember the rules but I'm also a bit giddy about meeting Mr U.
So enjoy the build up too, it is fun and whether we meet a new friend something more serious or someone we don't want to see again, we'll be okay

@MoreNiceCereal Has he asked to see you again?

@Ginmel exactly 😊

Also, I'm still married, unfortunately.

Xpost

@cereal keep it short and simple. Just say great to meet but don't feel you are a match. All the best.

And then don't get into discussions of why not

Mere technicality @Sunshineandflipflops, ❤️

@Sunshineandflipflops I'm firmly in the run for the hills camp. You're just entering a world full of issues that are driving the alcoholism. Honestly, there are loads more options out there, and yes they'll have some baggage, but not this.

@RickDeckard The only other options I've come across so far have issues of attachment, infidelity, abandonment to name a few so a recovering alcoholic who has his shit together now and been honest from the start can't be much worse to be honest.

Im not the kind of person who can not give someone a chance when they are bettering themselves. Like I said though, I'm not promising anything and feel I need to meet him in person to get a better feel of him and his situation.

I'm with rick. It wouldnt be a no forever with me but given all the changes he's had in a short space of time I'd think his recovery should be uppermost. Does his sponsor know he's on dating sites? I did google and it is a premise of A.A. not to date during the first year. I can see you might meet someone and have feelings in that time. But is different to be actively searching for it?

We absolutely all come with baggage but being a recovering addict and at the beginning of that journey is quite specific.