Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Hope you are feeling better this morning @what you dodged a bullet there. Onwards

"well he said I lacked empathy not understanding how knowledge like this could affect others..." @WhatWhyWhen I've not been able to read past this without posting something. What an utter loathsome shit. So he's made your rape about him. I'm sorry someone has said this bullshit to you. And fuming for you.

@WhatWhyWhen to me it sounds like he has been in that situation before hence this is potentially a contentious subject for him. Also a bit of victim blaming too. He seems to have reacted pretty oddly from what you have described. I would try and move on instead of trying to understand one nutjobs views. He clearly has his own issues.

Hi all,

Following with interest, I've been single for 18 months now, about 10 dates across all apps over a period of 6 months. Have been casually sleeping with someone where there is absolutely no future but is fun/ego boosting at times. But I'm struggling again with the apps. I feel like I should have met someone long term like many have. My close friend found her husband was cheating, went to a club that day, met someone else and he was living with her within a week (and met the children). I need to be reminded that the apps can work as that's the only way I'm meeting anyone these days! Any tips to revitalise my profile?

@Aleesha1 apologies for focusing on this bit (but it really stood out)....your friends situation has disaster written all over it. Maybe not yet but I don't think it can be used as an aspirational goal. Moving someone in within a week is quite frankly irresponsible & especially so as she has children.

10 dates is impressive - but are you being as selective as you could be ?

Morning, I’m ok weird dreams and thinking you may all be right. I’ve snoozed and deleted my apps as starting to hate men and that’s not a good place to be.have a couple of people still on WA leaving it at that for now.

Aleesha your friends situation sounds really reactive and unhealthy so I would not compare or worry at this stage. 18 months isn’t long give yourself time to find the right one.

@Aleesha1 I agree with candace. Your freinds sitch looks like a disaster waiting to happen. Philosophical me thinks - it's not the speed. it's the right person and right timing. It's not a measure of success to chance upon it early. Every bad date and missed connection is a chance to learn what you will and won't tolerate. What good looks like. And for me anyway, how I've made destructive choices based on low self esteem. Crucible of fire and all that. So, while it can feel disheartening or relentless, it's just the process and some luck. As for profiles, I dont tend to say much on mine? Good pictures that show what you love doing, having fun, speak volumes.

whatwht definitely agree with supercali and tooold.

He's been accused of sexual assault. And he's justifying his not reading the signs. His questioning of you was vile and highly inappropriate. The only way you'd question someone about their experience would be with kindness and sympathy. Not to blame them for their experience.

He took you to a hotel on the first date. Was that reckless of him? Does that beggar belief? Wow. I feel so angry with him.

aleesha I've been single 8 years. Don't think if it as a failure. Everyday you are learning more about yourself. Becoming stronger and more independent.

I'm scared your friend did that with children involved. That's not a normal reaction and could have been extremely dangerous. What do we know about someone after a week? Perhaps she's lucky and it will all be ok. But she didn't put her children's needs first. They must have been confused their dad moved out and before they could come to terms with that a strange man moved in?!

I don't feel like 10 dates is impressive at all really, just nice dates but no spark really. The person I'm casually seeing was a friend first and that allowed me to trust him more to go the next step. I don't find it that easy with new dates.

@Notcoolmum with my friend her husband hadn't lived at home for a year or so but they were still doing family things and sleeping together. So as soon as she found out about the new woman, she went out and pulled a bloke and yes he did meet the children within a week and stays at the place with the children there. It's not my style personally but my friend is happy instead of distraught as she usually is. I guess I'm feeling like I'm not meeting anyone I have a connection with.

aleesha could it be anymore with your FWB? Perhaps that's all you can manage right now. 18 months isn't a long time. There is no rush.

I still think it was selfish and irresponsible. Making ourselves vulnerable is one thing but opening our children up to hurt or worse is another.

@Notcoolmum not really, his life is a bit of a mess mentally plus no money, debt, weed. I'm recognising that I am trying to help him but what he gives me isn't enough in the long term, what was that attachment theory thing? I come under avoidance of commitment! I would like to find someone who gives me more rather than me always helping someone out.

aleesha I recommend reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
It says we go to Unavailable men because we are Unavailable so asks is to think about why this is. And what we might need to work on ourselves so that we are available.

I found it eye opening as I'd always assumed I was very available and my mistake was choosing unsuitable men. Actually I chose to stay with them despite the signs. Why?!

And I'm doing it again in a casual relationship. But my justification is that it's all I can handle atm as I'm not long out of a relationship I had hoped would work. So I'm knowingly Unavailable!!

Last night went well; we ended up in a darkened carpark for some time.

I really like him.

@MoreNiceCereal Great news!

@whatwhywhen also had to comment and not read on. I’m convinced he def has issues re being accused and hence got out. His loss. Massive dodge.
Good Vibes my end. Had the most amazing day with mr local. Took our youngest 3 to Footie and then picked my older one for all to picnic dinner and movie. Could only have been topped if we were all staying in one house. Small steps!

Excellent updates. Thread vibe is turning

Hi folks. I'm flabbergasted at the idiot in @WhatWhyWhen 's story, good riddance!

Need to catch up with everybody else.

I'm been on the smitten bench with mr 5in1, been seeing him 8 weeks but am starting to question it. I'm very much seeking openness in a relationship (as in talking, not an open relationship!) and he's point blank refusing to answer, or answering in a cryptic dry sense of humour type of way some fairly basic (imo) questions. From our conversations around that, I think that he sees it as part of his personality, that he thinks I'm trying to change him, and he thinks he either can't change it or shouldn't have to. I see it as behaviour which he has a choice over, which is being used at times to block closeness and connection, that he knows bothers me when it's talking about vulnerable feelings (eg I've shared or we have both and he suddenly clams up). He also does it over things that I think he thinks are big and i don't. Feels like it could be a bit of a yuck holding power over me issue but I'm not sure.

I had been confident that we were in an exclusive relationship and both wanted to feel into serious LTR. I'm now doubting all of that and feeling like he sees us as a lot less. I could happily enjoy us being a fwb casual situation, but I am looking for a serious committed relationship and i want to know it if he doesn't see us in that way so I can carry on looking. Think i need to say this to him, don't i? Not sure I'm ready to

Ok, I wasn't sure whether to post this as I kind of know what people are going to say...

I've been chatting to MrAd for almost a week. It's got more and more frequent and we get on so well over WhatsApp, have partly arranged to meet and speak on the phone. Same values, taste in music, etc.
Really sweet, kind, polite guy.

I posted already about him not drinking and today he told me he doesn't drink because he is an alcoholic ☹️
He has been sober for 8 months and now helps others who are recovering, goes to AA meetings, etc.
Since being sober he has moved to a different part of the country, new job and divorced from an unhappy marriage.

He gave me the option to walk away before we meet and I have said I'd still like to meet him. I know how ridiculous this sounds but I've never felt such a connection to someone I've never met before. I'm by no means perfect and try not to judge people for things they've done in the past.

Go on...hit me with it...

You need to meet in the first instance which could resolve any dilemmas.

One of my dear friends attended aa and it turned his life around.

The only thing I would caution his how much of life is dedicated to aa to sponsoring etc as some really throw themselves in. My friend didn't but others do.

Also how would he feel about kissing you if you'd been drinking? Sorry if that sounds a bit seedy but he may not want the taste of alcohol at all.

If he had a problem with you drinking I'd probably see if he wants to meet as friends. No harm in that, right?

@CassettesAreCool
Yikes, my lovely. No hit from me. Just encouragement to try to keep grounded - that's a hell of a lot of change he's been through in 8 months. I'd have question marks over if he's really emotionally available for what you want (eg long term relationship?), and if he's going to stay sober, if you can handle any regressions, and knowing that he's always going to be an alcoholic.

What would you say to a friend in this situation?

@Sunshineandflipflops this might not be a popular opinion but I'd run a mile as my ex was an alcoholic and it almost destroyed my life. From my experience, these people have deep rooted issues and need a lot of support elsewhere like counselling etc and I'm dubious about many having the strength to stop. Yours might be the exception.

@Coffeeandchocolate9 I would tell a friend to be careful but not to write someone off for their past.

@Aleesha1 Yeah, I get where you're coming from and I know there are a few on here who have had horrible experiences with alcoholic ex's. Sorry to hear you have too.

Obviously I haven't met him yet so I might be thinking too far ahead but he says he talks in prisons about alcohol and doesn't want to drink again. He is fine with other people drinking but I wouldn't drink on a date with him. It doesn't bother me at all.

From films I've watched don't they advice addicts not to enter into a relationship until at least 12 months have passed?

I think I'd pass for now. 8 months is early days. He's clearly dealing with a lot. I'd question whether he's ready for a relationship. Do you want to start something with someone with such big issues. Drinking is usually a symptom of an underlying issue etc.

But kudos for getting help. Being clean. Helping others. And being honest with you.