Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Not well he said I lacked empathy not understanding how knowledge of that would affect others. So I guess all you do too. I don’t know, he has his reasons, I need to re-read and understand them I guess.

And I agree, it doesn’t affect your sex life always it affects how you look at behaviour/power imbalance as it’s not about sex.

Anyway, I need to think if I dump other irons and online dating for a while or carry on. I can’t cope with the sheer volume of emotionally damaged men out there.

Don’t want to make this thread my personal pity party 😂

@WhatWhyWhen I'm raging on your behalf. This man dug and dug away at a trauma YOU had happen to you. To decide whether that was acceptable for HIS emotional development. Sorry but fuck him. Prick

he said I lacked empathy not understanding how knowledge of that would affect others
FUCK HIM

Dont apologise. This is traumatic for you. Uncovering that and having to deal with a man with all the emotional depth of a puddle. Please dont let this absolute asshat put you off finding someone with more character

@supercali77 said it in two.

What an absolute thundercunt

Agree with supercali again. Something bad happens to you. And now you are responsible for how somebody else, who this didn't happen to, might feel about it. Yeh he's full of empathy!!

Whatehywhen personally I think it's shitty behaviour on his part to now be all judgemental when he happily participated with prior full knowledge of what had happened to you previously.
And to then throw it back at you in terms of how it might affect him is just compounding his crappy behaviour imo.
You're well rid and don't let it put you off dating. Not all blokes are going to be that big a twat!

Ant he didn’t know before, I only told him today but I just can’t see why it matters?

And thank you, I know you aren’t all the same but I do seem to draw them like flies!

Sorry misunderstood but my response still applies, twat!

Dont let him make you feel stupid for doing what we all do. With the same risk each time. Women assess a man constantly for safety. We still sometimes take them home or go home with them on a first date. Patronising bollocks

whatwhy just agreeing he sounds a right bellend!!

Just chiming in to agree with supercali (excellent advice all round this eve) and hope you're OK what he sounds like a pretentious cockwomble.
No irons to report in particular, few conversations going but most seem to want to move to Snapchat or no conversation at all

Actually do you know what, I’m really bloody angry. He asked me what happened on the night and after, why I didn’t run, at what point it went from fine to violent, how did I say no, was it really rape if I didn’t say no clearly, what the guys attitude was when I left, what happened to the guy now, how I reconciled my decision to come home with him. How reckless that was. What happened the first time I met that man, what signals he gave off. When I stopped answering I got “I’m not able to emotionally deal with this” and “your decision in London was reckless and stupid”.

This guy is seen as “lovely” by all his FEMALE clients. What an unutterable bastard. ARGH.

Ok now I’ll stop thread hogging sorry.

@WhatWhyWhen h sounds like a victim blaming cunt - I'm angry on your behalf 🤬

Whatwhy you have every right to be angry!
I can't believe he's asking you some of those questions, what gives him the right, and how dare he question whether it was rape or not. What an absolute fuckwit!
And to then say HE can't deal with it, you clearly have greater restraint than me!
Anyway massive bullet dodged, move on knowing he's a bloody oddball who's so in touch with his own emotions he has no empathy for anybody else.
I'm pissed off for you!

Hello, I'm new to this thread. Sorry I'm not up to speed with everyone's current dating position although have seen @WhatWhyWhen's recent posts, I'm so sorry you met such a dick!! Only consolation is at least you found out now rather than further down the line. Nice bit of victim blaming too!!!

Anyway I'm wondering if you guys can help me, I've got myself in a little mess! I feel a bit like a catfish... I'm not really though as I've met this guy before. First met him about 9 years ago (through a voluntary org we both helped at). Went on a few dates but didn't progress. No drama, we were both young.

About six weeks ago he got back in touch. He's now separated (earlier this year) with children. I'm single with 1 DC.. We've been talking so often. He rings me pretty much every day, talk for hours at a time. We aren't local to each other anymore so no talk of meeting up yet but I think we are both cautious. In fact there has been no flirting or anything, but the level of contact makes me think there must be something there.

Anyway...my 'catfish' issue. He's really keen to FaceTime. And I just can't bring myself to do it! When I met him 9 years ago I was at my slimmest. I'm now significantly heavier (but losing so will get back there) and being single parent to a toddler I think I look about 10 years older than I am!! Quite often we chat when I'm at home so I will be slobbing on the sofa, no make up etc. If I went on a first date I'd be making myself the best version of me, facetime would be seeing the worst version of me 🙈

But now, today he was having some speakerphone problems so said we could FaceTime and I can turn the camera off. And he has done this three times today now and it feels bloody ridiculous! I answer the call with my phone pointing to the ceiling whilst I turn the camera off. So I'm FaceTiming and looking at him (which has got me a bit hot under the collar actually  I do really like seeing him on FaceTime) yet all he sees is a blank screen. But I'm sure he's picturing skinny me!

None of this contact with him was expected. I am still working on building back up my self esteem and feeling better about myself. I am really ashamed of how I look at the moment. I feel paralysed... I can't show him the current version of me but fully aware how ridiculous it all is. I just couldn't face the rejection if he dislikes what he sees 

Help!

Thanks all! I’ve deleted and blocked, fighting the urge to unblock to see if he changes his mind and apologises. But I guess I need his apology less than I need to not be sat waiting for it thinking about him if that makes sense. Can’t believe I’ve slept with him Ten minutes before he was saying how perfect I was and he’s never met anyone so beautiful. FML. Will be fighting the urge to visit his business (open place think gym) and lose my mind in front of his female client base. But I’m not insane and won’t.

Anyway Notreally he’s probably not stupid and will know you’ve changed in that time, I’d just stick some makeup on, treat it like a date and FaceTime.

The best you will meet someone lovely, the worst you will find out he’s an arse who only cares about perfection and you will have dodged a bullet. It won’t be a reflection on you, I’m sure you’re lovely x

Whatwhywhen - the thought crossed my mind that maybe that guy has been accused of sexual assault in the past? It would explain his behaviour a bit. He's an absolute shit though and with that attitude he's never going to find anyone. Not your problem. Glad you've blocked.

Sorry, forgot your name but I'm guessing he knows you're not confident about your looks but he's still interested. Why don't you agree a time to Facetime him and brush yourself up, treat it like a date. I've done it a couple of times and it's fun.

@WhatWhyWhen I'm getting a weird feeling about him the more details you give tbh. It's an extreme reaction. The digging. The lack of empathy. I'm wondering if hes ever been accused (rightly or wrongly)

Still raging on your behalf

Oh my god What - I'm so sorry you met that complete fucker!! I agree with the others, it sounds like he's been accused of something in the past. Glad you've blocked him

Ahh I didnt see that tooold thought the same thing 🤔