Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@ohhahhh789 that devious 5%. The only way to win this game is to refuse to play. I think your 95% knows this.

Morning everyone. Resisting the urge to contact last date I had. It's disappointing but he kept blowing hot and cold. He disappeared day before my birthday and reappeared again this week. Apparently he's been very tired and working too much to meet up 🤔.

shitwith I agree with midcentury and others. I think it's important to have some differences in a relationship, as long as it's small stuff, like taste in music or literature. It keeps you, you, iyswim.

Of course you have things in common. You wouldn't like him otherwise!

Just fwiw, I have my own house and transport, and am solvent enough to always be able to offer to pay. My search radius is an hour or about 50 miles.

@shitwithsugaron you and Mr B have a lot in common. It's just your interests that are a bit different. You know that, right? 😉

Mr U and I were talking about music yesterday and he asked for some of my favourite bands. He then went and downloaded some of the music, and liked it. Made me happy

I know @supercali77. I did rely as I felt after that bombshell I couldn't but just said that I hoped that whatever it was wasn't serious. I need to try and put him to the back of my mind again. Mr Irish has gone quiet although he is on holiday so that doesn't help and I don't have any other irons as I can't be bothered to reply to people 🤣

reply as I felt after that bombshell I couldn't just say...
Effective ain't it?

@Ginmel you summed up my rambling post to @shitwithsugaron in a sentence :-)
@ohhahhh789 - listen to @supercali77's wise words.. I've been there.

@supercali77's words sorry.

Good luck to anyone with dates this weekend. Think it's too soon for me to do OLD. Just annoyed I left an expensive favourite dress at Mr Football's house 6 weeks ago, I want it back but I am on crutches so can't drive. Mr Bald sounds like Mr Football as last message was about a scan.

Out with Mr Joker. Butterflies eeeee

@MoreNiceCereal 💥🔥

@Sabina21 easiest way is to just delete everything. No need to use willpower any more.

@MoreNiceCereal Great to hear 😁

MrAd has just told me that he's not talking to anyone else, he really likes me and is nervous as hell about meeting me! I really hope there's some chemistry because I like him too so far. He makes me laugh a lot, which is just what I need right now.

sabina I agree with supercali. I resisted deleting the threads between me and Mr S. it was such a comfort to me to read them. And they felt important. After breaking NC and realising there was no way back I deleted the threads and his number. It has been liberating. No going over what he said. The photos he sent. Looking for meaning in them all. Just gone. And it was a release.

I don't even read the threads any more. I've not read them for weeks so I'm not actually sure what's holding me back from deleting.

So I've decided to pick myself up and reply to come messages. Been messaging someone this afternoon and they are asking to meet already! I'm not 100% sure that I'll find him attractive. Although messages have slowed down, I'm still messaging mr Irish and he does seem interested still. He does seem like my type in all areas.... the thought of the Irish accent still makes me swoon 😍. This is what I hate about messaging more than one person at a time!! I feel bad meeting this new iron (yet to be named) when I do really want to meet Mr Irish (but that's not going to be possible for at least a week).

Oh dear thread curse has hit me!!!

So talking to my London date today, really in depth stuff. Basically ticking every box for him and him for me. Life plans, flaws, desires etc. He shared some fairly personal stuff so I felt comfortable to share mine. I told him I’ve been raped in the past but I’m ok.

He totally switched, said he didn’t have the ability to cope with the trauma, that taking the personal risk I took in London with him was stupid and beggared belief. I feel like utter shit. I mean he was nice about it and I guess he’s honest and if he can’t cope he can’t cope.

I’ve left him to it as he has to have time “to process today”.

Goodo.

Oh god @WhatWhyWhen!! That's awful!! I can't believe he's reacted like that when he's the one you took the risks with! He was obviously happy to put a lady in that position, not knowing her background. Why does it make a difference now?!
Has he said why he can't cope and why he's finding it so difficult to process? Has it triggered something for him?

@shitwithsugaron No date yet but my next child free weekend will be 2 weeks after this weekend (he's away at the moment) so I've said it would be good to meet, even if quickly before then as I have a few child free evenings in between.

@WhatWhyWhen Wow. I agree with @ohhahhh789, that's awful of him to say or even think. I'd say you're well rid, what a knob head. Also, I'm very sorry to hear about your horrible experience x

oh he said he’s done a lot of self development work to become emotionally intelligent and balanced but that this would throw him back. What I don’t get is he asked many many questions to really dig into it and “understand” before making the decision which now feels quite intrusive.

I have mentioned that he could be 6 months in and someone reveal trauma, or a partner could have a trauma while they are together how is he going to cope with that? Different apparently.

I don’t know, maybe it was risky and stupid But most rapes are not strangers, and why is other women going to a hotel ok, but me doing it isn’t? Surely I’m now more able to judge if the person I’m with is showing me red flags or not?

Oh well.

Oh whatwhy that seems a strange way to react. What does he need to process? You were the one that was raped. And I'm really sorry to hear that. I was raped within my marriage. I've dealt with it. I still take risks and having sex with others doesn't bring it back. I'd more likely be upset by a different set of controlling behaviours than a sexual encounter.