Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

[CassettesAreCool]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

I hear you @Sunshineandflipflops I do think sometimes it would be nice to be able to go for a meal together. And hanging out at his is a bit grim sometimes. And he's not a LTR. (Says she at 6 months)

simon I think it's natural to want someone with similar to what you have as it reflects similar values and outlook on life. Mr B has gone back to life with his folks. It's not attractive and is a major reason I can't see him as a serious prospect.

I rent but have provided a home for my kids being a sole parent with no financial (or other ) support for the past 13 years.

@SimonJT massive deal I think. Certainly the car. Mr local is renting now but when we first met he was at parents and it really put me off. Renting is fine I reckon as most of us get how complicated the splits are but certainly I want self sufficiency

Renting is fine but a 46 yr old in shared accommodation isn't that attractive an option for me.

A car is pretty important too, unless you live in a London, which I don't. This guy lives 30-ish miles away from me so it would be nice if I didn't have to do all the driving in this imaginary relationship with someone I have never met 😂

@Sunshineandflipflops totally agree I’d be out before it even started

@Sunshineandflipflops that made me laugh

I've just told him I'm on a date tonight (he asked and I'm shit at lying) and he's been really sweet about it. I feel guilty and this is why I can't multi-date!

I thought I didn't care about jobs / earnings / house ownership and dated a lovely man but he was still married (10 years after separation) because he couldn't afford a divorce and hadn't had a holiday in years and rarely ate out. I wanted to pay half and he wouldn't let me but I felt really awkward. It wasn't the lack of money that bothered me but the lack of drive and ambition to make his life more fun and so that would make me a bit judgemental in future of someone who didn't have a mortgage and reasonable income.

I understand mid divorce / housing situations but personally when I was mid tricky situation....I didnt date. I started when i moved into my own place. Based on friends and seeing it first hand I wouldn't get involved with anyone that didnt have their shit together after 40. Eg living alone, rented or bought. A lack of ambition and shit togetherness is something I've tolerated and carried for 20 years, it's a massive turn off to me now

Well tonight's date has a house and a car as far as I know 😂

But I always seem to be more attracted to the less together ones...🙄

I've got to a point in my life where I've worked hard to earn good money, bring up my family and run my own home. Without any help from a man.

I don't think I could date a man that didn't have ambition or his shit together. I'm not fussed on the type of job or how much they earn. But I do need someone to have their shit together (in someway).

Although my downfall really Is, I'm very independent and find it hard to allow anyone in.

Yeh lifegoes I'm gone from bedsit separated man to single man back with his mum. FFS!! I don't think it's too much to expect to find a man in his 40s who has his shit together and a place of his own. I'm not looking for a millionaire. Just a normal 40 something year old man.

Shit together is important. Don't care what it means asset wise. Most of us has been through some shit by our 40s and 50s. I just care how they've dealt with it and how they treat me. I'm not their ex.

Yeah I think the difference is that mr U is under 40. Plus he's left his home country as it's economically stuffed. And has set up a business from nothing here as he wants a comfortable life. Unfortunately I'll be long gone by the time that happens. He works so hard, hasn't had a day off in two months. If he were my age I might be less forgiving.

Also I loathe cars and I'm ashamed to have one in London. Think it's an unnecessary luxury even with my young dcs. So I really do not like men who DO have a car.

Yes I'm contrary. I wrote a long post about the hair round the wrist/forced against the wall thing but I lost it. I find the use of the word force abhorrent. I've been raped and sexually assaulted (Haven't we all?) so any man that tried to force me to do anything would get a knee in the balls. I do like a bit of wall action though. But on my terms. Hair round the wrist... he'd never get it out again with my locks

Anyway horses for courses...

Could somebody help me solve my dilemma.
I have another iron, MissTiny, who I got chatting to when MissH and I were no more. I've carried on chatting to her and she would like to meet on Monday evening.
But MissH and I are going out Sunday night and she is staying over. So I know if we're back dtd again then I shouldn't be going on a date with somebody new.
However I feel guilty letting MissTiny down because apparently I would be the 1st bloke she's dated after being online for 8 months, it's a big step for her. Plus I'm loathe to put all my eggs in MissH's basket after the last few weeks.
I need somebody to tell me whether I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it or should go because I can't rely on MissH.
She'd have a shit fit if she found out!

Well you know what I'd say @Ant330

Totally agree @Notcoolmum and @Ginmel we've def all had our ups and downs and that's also the same for men. I'm a strong believer in 'it's not about how you fall, it's the character you show getting back up'

I understand peanut sadly. I do like a bit of rough play but only when I know I'm safe and it's in a trusting consensual relationship.

Lovely quote lifegoes.

ant I think your gut will tell you the answer to this one. If you are invested in Miss H and think you are getting back on then it's not fair to your potential new iron to meet up. Especially as you have identified she's vulnerable. Better for her to be let down now than by a man she's not met than after her first or second date.

If you would rather end things with Miss H then I'd carry on with the date.

@Ant330 go with your gut.

One thing I've learnt is everyone can sit and tell you what to do. But only you know, your gut will lead to the right place.

But a few questions to ask yourself along the way..,

Do you want to meet MissTiny?

Is the only reason you don't want to back out of the date with her, is due to how it will make her feel?

How would you feel if missH went on a date on Monday night straight after?

@Ant330 does MissH have to stay over on Sunday eve?
Can you say to her that you'd like to take things slowly for now while you're still working things out between you?
So go out on the date MissH but that's all.

Yes @EchoElephant is talking sense. But if it were me I'd end up DTD even with the best intentions not to. I think the fact you are still talking to ms tiny and even considering meeting her speaks volumes.

Amen @lifegoes

@Ant330 yes you are being a cake eater. Don't muck miss t around. That's not cool