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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 167: Help, I need somebody - but not just anybody

999 replies

CassettesAreCool · 19/08/2019 12:23

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
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AutumnHaze · 21/08/2019 16:54

Yes 49/50. With the first one I thought it was porn originally, but no, he said it was age. With the other I am not sure yet. It could possibly have been as the champions league was on and he is very interested in it. Not great for my self esteem that was haha. Thanks, I‘ll persevere for now.

WhatWhyWhen · 21/08/2019 17:01

Someone tell me if I should text MrHermit? We were together around 5-6 times, each other’s houses, amazing connection and really lovely together time, but it didn’t work when we texted, crossed wires, he felt bad saying no if I asked him to things and then ended it over text saying how amazing it was but he was too jaded to see a future. I know he’s damaged and just think he’s made a mistake based on his own past not the wonderful time we had when we were actually together. The last time we were together he drove over 6hrs to be with me which (as a hermit) he never does for anyone so I know he likes me a lot.

So one last “are you sure, do you want to meet one last time” and take the pride kick/hurt of being turned down? Or keep my pride and stay NC and moving on? I never chase!!

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/08/2019 17:07

It seems we're going out on Friday so I'd better give him a name! Mr Dog will do for now as I really don't know a lot about him, other than he has a dog 😂

Ginmel · 21/08/2019 17:08

Sounds more like you met two men that need to sort out their EDs.

Ant330 · 21/08/2019 17:13

Sunshine your self esteem shouldn't be on the floor, what has happened is nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own inability to commit.
Keep your chin up and enjoy the date 😉

AutumnHaze · 21/08/2019 17:14

@Ginmel, you think? What are the chances. I cried buckets about the first one as the connection was otherwise so amazing.

Ant330 · 21/08/2019 17:17

MissHF appears from her texts to again be stressed as fuck about issues with her ex, so I'm glad I'm away!
I'm sat in a pub in the Lake District with my son, having spent the afternoon climbing round a mine. It was wicked and very distracting!
I'm also being chased for commitment on a date to meet when I get back by somebody new, who seems lovely and keen. Dating dilemmas, don't you just love them!

Ginmel · 21/08/2019 17:17

Of course @autumnhaze it's not about you. You didn't do anything wrong.

supercali77 · 21/08/2019 17:18

@WhatWhyWhen my twopence. Keep your silence. He said what he said. Assume he knows his own mind. Silence speaks volumes. If he regrets it he knows where to find you. Do not chase that man....only uncertainty and potential headfuckery lie that way

Notcoolmum · 21/08/2019 17:19

autumn my last iron had ED issues. Not being able to finish without vigour. We discussed it and it's possible causes. He went to the drs and had tests and we worked on things together and it got better. If he can't get hard at all would he consider viagra. My friend (in her 60s) swears by it for her husband.

Thankfully no issues with my current iron!

Notcoolmum · 21/08/2019 17:21

ant glad to hear you are having a blast with your son. Maybe you can tell Ms H and potential new iron you are on holiday and will reply when you get back? Take sometime out for you and your son.

Ginmel · 21/08/2019 17:21

@whatwhywhen delete his details. If he wants to get his act together and stop giving introverts a bad name, then he will

Ginmel · 21/08/2019 17:23

@Ant330 I agree you should take a week off dating and clear your head. Tell the good date you are away, bad signal etc. Enjoy the time with your son and the fresh air

AutumnHaze · 21/08/2019 17:24

@Ginmel, thanks, i know, but so hard (pun intended) as I am finally meeting nice guys.
@Notcoolmum, the first one says viagra works but he doesn‘t want to take it anymore. The other one is too early for a chat still. But I am deflated (!), do not want a project, it is not my problem to solve.

supercali77 · 21/08/2019 17:25

@AutumnHaze have you met these fellas did you say?

AutumnHaze · 21/08/2019 17:27

Yes in the flesh. Does one talk about ED prior to meeting?

Ginmel · 21/08/2019 17:27

@marlbs 😂

Notcoolmum · 21/08/2019 17:28

Def not your problem to solve autumn although if you have had sex with him, it shouldn't be too early to talk about it? I raised the issue straight away with mine. He was embarrassed and went to end things (I should have let him) but we chatted a bit more and I was impressed he was willing to be open and get some help in one form or another so we carried on.

Ginmel · 21/08/2019 17:28

@autumnhaze so did you end it with the first one or did he?

AutumnHaze · 21/08/2019 17:32

Notcoolmum, I can see I should have raised it with him at the time, but he was so upset and it had been such a long time for him and I thought it was due to porn, that my concern was just to take the pressure off and see if we could get into the swing of things. Lesson learnt thanks.

supercali77 · 21/08/2019 17:32

@AutumnHaze they might be scandinavian

AutumnHaze · 21/08/2019 17:35

I ended it, as in my mind two months was my limit. And we did talk about it a fair amount, just not straight away. No interest by him to do anything about it though, he said he needed time. Not enough for me.

Notcoolmum · 21/08/2019 17:37

autumn I didn't raise it at the time as he was clearly embarrassed and we had a lovey time in lots of ways. But I did say on text it was something i wanted to chat about. He then preempted a lot of what I was going to say. I asked some questions. He said he didn't want to put me through that again and outlined what he was going to do to see if it could be resolved. I said it was nice to see he was open to discuss it and work on it and I'd be sad not to see him again. We had a couple of non sexual dates and then got back to it. Things improved throughout the 5 months we were together. But I'm glad we were able to discuss it.

Although as he broke my heart I should have let him go at the beginning!!

Ant330 · 21/08/2019 17:37

Ginmel Notcoolmum it's the occasional message in the mornings and evenings, nothing much because I'm busy during the day.
Besides I've got a 13 year old son, so it's not like he's never on his phone 😂

Notcoolmum · 21/08/2019 17:38

autumn not being willing to do anything about it wouldn't have worked for me either.