The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

@Rowan10 - thank you that is a really nice post - I hope your Dd gets the results she wants - she has been through a difficult time. I do not understand these men - I don’t think I ever will

I do get that sometimes these things work out for the best - I can see too that my DCs have benefited in some ways.

I realise now that this game may continue whilst kids are at uni so I need to see what I can do to help - they already went through 2 years of this every time school fees were due. I don’t want them worrying about how they are going to cope financially.

Thank you again - I appreciate you taking time out to repost x

Greenberet if you put a quarter as much time and energy into trying to earn some money as you do into decimating anything anyone says which doesn't fully support your story... you could probably do quite well for yourself. Your depression clearly doesnt stop you using your brain - assuming you're depressed right now - you still have the get up and go (and word power) to smash down any alternative view of reality that pops up on your screen....so put your mind to better use and get yourself some autonomy and self-respect.

@Lauren850 - thankyou very much for your comments. It’s nice to know that you have such a good understanding of depression - last time I checked being stupid wasn’t part of the diagnosis. The judge in my final hearing had the same understanding as you - but chose to ignore the question whether she would employ me with my history.

I have plenty of autonomy and self respect thanks - I gave up on the notion that self-respect is linked to earning potential a long time ago - such a false ego.

I’d be happy to consider a job that allowed me to work random hours - maybe early morning one day - late evening the next, maybe not at all the next few days, maybe flat out for 2- 3 days - and just required brain power and not physical presence - Can you suggest anything?

My Dd was out last night - she sent me a message as I was asleep when she got back saying “ he’s being really very hurtful” - so fo those that doubt this is abuse - for those that doubt my perception - this is straight out the horses mouth -

Do I just roll my eyes and say move on?

Somehow I have to find the energy to pick my Dd up - reassure her that none of this is her fault - that she has done absolutely nothing wrong and does not deserve to be treated like this when I feel I have been “decimated” on here and really would just rather run away from it all!

This is what exhausts me - really I just want to lick my own wounds and try and self heal but whatever energy I have needs to go to my Dd!

What most of you don’t get is the days that I “retire” to bed are the days when both dc are more than likely out, when I have done The minimum required to keep the household being functional and do not have energy or motivation to deal with anything else!

“Retire” to bed - is so far from fucking reality of depression it is insulting!

Depression is not an illness in the sense of tonsillitis or TB. There is no medical treatment that cures it or even fixes the symptoms that well - and no agreed medical understanding of what's 'wrong' in the brain of a depressed person or 'right' in the brain of a happy person. The big gamechanger is self-management - the depressed person taking active steps to do the things that help and avoid the things that don't. So repeatedly saying i cant work because i have depression seems unhelpful - like you're hypnotising yourself into a negative frame of mind - ditto retiring to bed in the day. If you HAD to get out there and work - say if you needed ro raise money to help someone you love and there was no-one else to do it, i bet you would step up. And that feeling of doing something constructive would help your mood.
Regarding your daughter, she's got to learn to relate to her dad and his partner as best as possiblr - unless she decides to go NC. I don't think you'll be able to help her with this at all unless you get better....at the moment you have a huge investment in her relationship with them remaining as awful as possible

Do I just roll my eyes and say move on?

Pretty much. You know he is a dick and so does she. What does she want you to do about it? She either puts up with him in some form to get her money or goes NC.

@Lauren850 are you an expert on depression?

If self management were that easy we would all be cured - I am realistic about my condition even when I had no stressors as such I still had good days and bad days

That is a stupid statement because if I Was able to do it do you not think I would - and remove the pressure from my kids. I have plenty of constructive things to do - my mood is currently what it is

Yes of course I want their relationship to be as awful as possible - I really get a kick out of seeing both my kids being manipulated by their father and feeling shite out of it - this is the highlight of my day!

Brilliant assumption of my life - well done!

And if she suddenly started properly enjoying his company and liking his partner and going on shopping trips with her or whatever - you'd have a happy glow just hesring all about it and being pleased for your daughter? Yeah, right.

@Lauren850 - did you miss the part where I said DS has been on holiday with her and her kids not just once but several times - i am sure he had a good time but he has got the emotional intelligence not to discuss all the details with me.

As for Dd I had to come to terms with the possibility that she may do all of what you describe and that I would have to deal with it as difficult as it would be. But DD has chosen how she wants to deal with the situation and I support her on this.

Your situation would probably be easier in some respects - at least Dd would be happy - hopefully she would not be subject to manipulation and mind games as she is now. It would then only be my own emotions that I would have to consider.

There has been a lot of communication between X and Dd - she told him she is incredibly hurt - he asked why? I do not know the outcome of this but hopefully - hopefully - he may be able to see this from Dd’s Perspective - if not he stands a pretty good chance of fucking up their relationship once and for all.

He underestimated her - he thought he would be able to control her into submission - today she has her interview - she has already said if she gets this job she will not need help from him!

All this anger and terrible fury about him - and all you are hurting are yourself and the children. It is toxic and damaging yourself beyond any measure. You can be sure as heck he doesn't give one shit about your fury and none of it hurts him.

I think expecting him to continue supporting you all is unrealistic. Many of us split and were left with zero and just had to get work and get on with it. And we had to let go of the anger and find some peace. Whether he abused or abuses you or not - you need to calm down and stop and find a way to build a new life for yourself which does not involve him one bit.

OP when you move to this new place 200 miles away, will you have friends/family there? What income will you have ?

greenberet you're really not helping yourself.

I've had severe depression and I'm still under treatment but I've worked really hard on myself, engaged with my councillor, had regular Gp checkups and my last assessment it was down to mild/moderate.

Now I'm not saying we're the same and everyone's illness is different but I've managed to go back to work, mainly because I learned to look past my twatty ex and really engaged with treating myself.

Actually working is really helping me, it's only part time but it's worth considering that going back to work eventually might help you too.

How do you know I haven’t been working hard on myself?

I’ve had counselling when I was at my worst - last time I went to my GP after being hounded on here - he told me I was ok and did not need referring back to MH.

I could refer myself to TalkingSpace but that would mean going over the whole situation and I don’t think that would do me any good

When I move no friends or family that are local and currently have retained some funds from settlement to support myself.

If needs be I will look for part time work at a basic level - my outgoings are going to be far cheaper than here - I also have loads of shit to sell so will be eBaying/car booting

You come across as a very sad, very angry and very bitter person. Both you and your ex are doing immeasurable harm to your children, there will come a day when they abandon you both to escape your poison if you don’t change.

Sorry I just want to understand something. Are you never going to work again? Have you ever worked? I understand that you have depression and I understand how horrible it can be but honestly if it is severe enough that you cant hold down a job then you obviously do need more help.
I would stop expecting anything from your ex and leave the relationship to your kids. If they want a relationship with him it is their choice but should have no impact on you by this stage.
My mum was left with 2 young children, after her husband had an affair. He constantly let the kids down. She was angry on their behalf of course she was but she made a choice. She got a job and tried her best to facilitate a relationship between him and the children. In the end they made the choice to have no contact with him when they were in their teens. She has suffered with mental health problems all her life. She got remarried. Her ex was an abusive alcoholic.
I know it's easy for others to say but please don't hold onto the anger and bitterness, it will eat you alive and affect all your relationships in the future. Get some more counselling, and try to take charge of the life you have now. He is no longer in control of it you are.

My view is that you should help your children deal with your ex in a practical way. So you say he bought your dd stuff she doesn't need and that he doesn't listen to what she needs and never does. From your posts it is clear he will not change so why not advise her to use what she can and sell the rest?

I think the OP settled and hid in a abusive relationship and is very angry that the financial security that came with that decision has been taken away without her permission, The realisation and humiliation that the price of past financial security, came at the expense of this present reality, It is something that the OP struggles with.

In a messed up way the dysfunction and cruelty of her Ex is part of the OP’s identity and the self righteousness is cover for the lack of perspective past the ‘struggle’.

The OP’s children have struggled with the loss of the financial security of their father and have received little guidance from the OP of how to come to terms with that because she has the same struggle.

From your posts it is clear he will not change so why not advise her to use what she can and sell the rest?

I suggested this earlier but the principle of being ‘In the right’ always takes precedent of practicability.

currently have retained some funds from settlement to support myself.
If needs be I will look for part time work at a basic level. Wow, must a significant settlement if it's been 5 years, you've been living off it since then, and feel that you probably can still do so for the unforseen future!

I suggested this earlier but the principle of being ‘In the right’ always takes precedent of practicability.

I agree, sometimes you have to do what is practical, not what is 'right' to save stress and upset.

No one doubts that your Ex is a bastard, that’s a given. However, the hope that he might not be one day is holding you back and that’s on you.

Indifference which is helped by distance is the healthier goal.

@NeedingAdvice29 - you come across as someone who has no idea what they are talking about.

@AgentJohnson - just to put you straight - when we met I was the higher earner with my own home. When I stopped working over 20 odd years ago my salary was £22k.

due to the situation in this last job I was signed off work with PTSD. I was off work for over a year and during this time was under MH support and had extensive counselling initially under NHS then privately.

I had got married prior to this job and as we were trying for a family which needed infertility support WE made the decision that I would not go back to work even though they had offered me a phased return.

I have said many a time I did not know my marriage was abusive - there were what I know now as red flags and one point when I was seriously considering leaving I was going to speak to my father as I did not know how I would survive financially not being in work

I didn’t know about Women’s Aid - I do not know if they existed then - I did not know that I would possibly have received help. My father thought it was just normal stresses and strains of married life - x having own business and having twin DC one of which was hard work. I think my dm died at this time which came out if the blue and so I was dealing with the loss of my Dm.

So to answer your assumption no I did not settle nor hid in an abusive relationship.

I am angry that the financial security that I thought was protected by marriage has turned out not to be the case. Not because it is never the case but because I was led astray by my first set of legals and then let down by 2nd who did not show up at court.

The only reason I was able to pursue this through the courts is that I was diagnosed with breast cancer just as x left and received an insurance payout. Up until this point I was juggling everything using kids savings.

I have no humiliation about anything and the only way I identify with X is in name.

I have high moral values - does this translates to self righteous - I do t think so - this is why dd did not accept the stuff to then sell.

The OP’s children have struggled with the loss of the financial security of their father and have received little guidance from the OP of how to come to terms with that because she has the same struggle.

Yes they have struggled so have I - had to make some tough decisions one of which is moving 200 miles away - but they survived and have flourished to date - I have survived and am yet to flourish but I will!

I suggested this earlier but the principle of being ‘In the right’ always takes precedent of practicability

I believe the principle of doing the right thing always takes precedent.
Had my dd done as suggested I’m sure this would have mightily backfired and pissed him off - the repercussions of which are anybody’s guess!

tit

Wow, must a significant settlement if it's been 5 years, you've been living off it since then, and feel that you probably can still do so for the unforseen future!

No I made the decision to move 200 miles away where the houses are significantly cheaper and downsize so that I did not have to force myself back into work before I feel I am ready.

I had an offer which I was persuaded not to accept by my solicitor which meant I could have stayed in this area and instead of being 5/6 hours away from my kids I would have been 1.5/ 2.5.

So on this basis I have to accept that I may not get to see them as frequently as I would have done but at least I have a room for them when they come to stay.

Indifference is what I am working too!

In the kindest way what do you do with your time? My mum suffers from depression and we have found that it's a lot worse when she doesnt have anything going on. It's all just endless monotony iyswim. She is retired now so she fills her days with crafts and friends and some local volunteering. I remember the days when she couldn't get out of bed. She always says that those were the times where she realised she needed to go back to the drs cause something wasnt working. I think what a lot of people are trying to say is that your ex is not a nice person and of course he caused a lot of pain but you make the choice when to let things go and move on. You will never be happy if you keep focussing on him and the ow. Your kids are old enough to choose their relationship boundaries with him, you do not have to be involved at all. Surely it would be better for everyone if you just ignored him. By reacting in this way you are giving him what he wants which is to get under your skin.

Actually @greenberet I’ve read a number of your posts. You hide behind mental illness as an excuse for your shitty destructive behaviour towards your children. My parents were much the same, I’m now no contact at all with both. Neither know my children, neither will ever be allowed to be grandparents to them or involved in my life in any shape or form. Take a long hard look at yourself and let go of the past, your ex is no longer your problem and you can’t change that.

you make the choice when to let things go and move on

If I make the choice why I am constantly being criticised for not having done this

Basically you are all telling me I should have done this by now

I could make this decision in my head right now that tomorrow is the day

Something completely out of my control that I have no involvement with could happen tomorrow that upsets either or one of the kids as a result of the X chosing to manipulate or control them.

From what you are saying on here I should just roll my eyes and move on.

What does this teach them about empathising with people, what does this teach.them about emotional abuse.

There are many adults on these boards that haven’t come to terms with their own childhood @NeedingAdvice2019 you are one of them.

You hide behind mental illness as an excuse for your shitty destructive behaviour towards your children.

This is a nasty comment you hide behind your anonymity today this.

I do not HIDE behind MEntal illness - I HAve a diagnosed condition - what exactly is the shitty destructive behaviour you are referring to?

I think it is extremely sad that despite knowing your parents had MH issues you are unable to forgive them and instead punish them by refusing to let them see their grandchildren

Needing Take a long hard look at yourself and let go of the past

if only you could see the hypocrisy!