The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

@greenberet mental illness doesn’t make you a shitty parent, personality does that. That diagnosis you received, was it NPD? Because that’s how you come across.

Depression @NeedingAdvice29 - do you not think with all the counsellors I’ve seen not just now but 20 years ago that they may have picked up NPD if that was the issue?

Or do you think if I had NPD I would be saying nothing wrong with me mate it’s everyone else?

It seems you are judging my parenting skills - I think you will find that Mental illness I prefer to call it mental health - sounds less derogatory -
Does effect many aspects of ones life including how they may be perceived personality wise!

I guess you are not completely happy with your lot - that’s how you come across!

They are old enough to deal with their father by themselves. If he upsets them then sympathise with them and tell them their choices moving forward and then leave it. You dont have to get so involved. You don't have to ruse to the drama.
You must see that the bitterness over the divorce and settlement isn't healthy. It is eating away at you. You are lucky enough that you get to make the choice to move and buy a house and still have enough funds to live without working. Though I do hope you have planned for retirement etc. Many woman escaping abuse of any kind have to move with nothing and start again. Instead of focusing on what you don't have try and focus on positives.

Green, in 230 posts now in this thread you have disagreed with just about every single poster who has tried to help. I feel that anyone posting is just fuelling your anger and this is really not helping your mental health, rather prolonging all your negative feelings.

So many of us have been through some version similar to yours, some had it better, some way worse. However, unlike you, they have picked themselves up and learnt how to cope effectively with any negative influence in their lives like an abusive ex.

This is something you have truly lost perspective with, which is why suggestions have been made to get further professional help, but this time perhaps try to engage more fully with it.

Posting on here is clearly not helping you

@Ginnymweasley

They may be old enough this does not necessarily mean that they understand the subtleties of covert abuse - I didn’t at 50 why should they at 18.

If he upsets them then sympathise with them and tell them their choices moving forward and then leave it

I do but sadly as I have explained many times he does not listen - they then want to know why is he blatantly ignoring their requests or at worst doing the complete bloody opposite.

I guess you lot would just ignore - based on what you are telling me - well in my mind this does not solve anything - worst of all leaves the kids feeling fucking upset and wondering what have I done - so I reassure them the6 have done nothing and it is their fathers behaviour that is the issue here - up to them with what they then decide,

There is no drama - I come on here because I am feeling in need of support and because my mood is low - depression!

I am not bitter - do none of you listen? It is not eating away at me I am dealing with it as best I can

Yes I realise I am lucky compared to some people - that goes without saying - I didn’t realise that you can only post on MN if you fit certain criteria - obviously I don’t fit this criteria - doesn’t matter that I have been through abuse, doesn’t matter that my kids are still being abused - I have been judged by some as not deserving of any support because it seems I am not grateful for what I have

Better shut MN down then hey ? Because if we all focused on the positives day in day out we wouldn’t need to be on here

I know why I came on here - why are you on here ginny because it certainly doesn’t seem like to offer support from where I am

You only want support from people who agree completely with your way if dealing with things. You do sound bitter I'm sorry but you do. Depression is horrible but how you choose to deal with that says a lot. You could try and get more counselling, different medications etc. No one said that you haven't had a tough time but you keep focusing on how hard life is for you, how your ex cheated, all I was trying to say was instead of focussing on that focus on positives.
In regards to your children when they are at uni hundreds of miles away how they deal with their father will be completely out of your hands better to let them work it out sooner surely.

@Over50andfab

I have disagreed with every poster who has tried to tell me what I should be doing based on their perspective of my situation.

This is not help or support - this is basically saying “we know better” than you.

Yes many have been through similar but not the exact - however some are still able to support without criticising, without judgement, without questioning my MH and without making personal and insulting comments.

None of this would indicate that they have dealt with any negative influence as they are still dishing out this negative influence to me.

This is something you have truly lost perspective with, which is why suggestions have been made to get further professional help, but this time perhaps try to engage more fully with it.

If you have no idea how insulting this is then it is you that has no perspective at all. Try educating yourself!

“People sometimes exacerbate this by judging the mentally ill as melodramatic or too stubborn to change

Truth: People Are Usually Not at Fault

Blaming someone for struggling with depression is like telling a woman with breast cancer she is dying because she doesn’t want to live badly enough. Mental or not, illnesses can come without just cause.”

Posting on here is clearly not helping you

Oh it is - it’s making me realise just how many people are unable to look at someone else’s situation without bringing their own views and opinions into it and how they try and force expectations on people that are not really for their benefit but are more to justify their own choices they have made in their own lives

Maybe it’s time to just roll my eyes and move on!

You'e brought up my comment several times now and seem to have chosen to misread it.

You and your DD could just roll your eyes together over the group chat Ikea stuff, call him whatever and get on with your day rather than you flying into an internal rage.

Clearly this was not me suggesting that you roll your eyes at your DD and tell her to move on. You want to use this as some sort of learning experience? You sympathise, let her know you are there for her, give her the options and leave her to it. Sometimes we have to deal with dickheads in life and sometimes we are related to them unfortunately.

You could try and get more counselling, different medications etc.

Did you read the bit where I said I I didn’t want to go through the whole story again. My GP says I’m fine and My medication is right thanks!

Maybe it’s you that is still bitter - and you filter everything I say with a “bitter” lense

In regards to your children when they are at uni hundreds of miles away how they deal with their father will be completely out of your hands better to let them work it out sooner surely

Nope - I’m sure they will still communicate with me !

Support is not giving advice - most people give advice that they think I should listen to and then seem to get the hump when I don’t - rather than look at themselves and think hmmm maybe my advice is not right in this situation they take the stance that I am not right either due to MH or some other “fault” they can find!

I dont have anything to be bitter about tbh but ok.

@hammeringinmyhead -

This is what you said

if they're that fine and dandy then his abuse is obviously not working. So why the ranting and railing about it? You and your DD could just roll your eyes together over the group chat Ikea stuff, call him whatever and get on with your day rather than you flying into an internal rage.

It comes across that the general consensus on here is that I should do nothing in relation to X’s behaviour - just let it go - and seek help for my own MH

When I first mentioned the group chat dd was angry - that was why I was angry - it was only later she told me how hurt she was about it.

If I had just rolled my eyes I would have missed how upset she was by this and she would more than likely take this to mean that I didn’t care about her either. Surely feeling the same as her - in this case preempting that she is going to be upset and giving her the support before she got to that stage let’s her know I understand how much this hurts and that she can come to me regardless of the fact it is he4 father upsetting her - someone that I would rather forget is still living!

If she cannot come to me who does she go to

I think I have just discovered another reason why I am getting so much stick on here!

@Ginnymweasley - why the “but ok “ then? Dismissive of my opinion? Or think it’s cos I need help with my MH?

This is not help or support - this is basically saying “we know better” than you.

So why do you continue to post? You say you want support. You say we are not giving it and won’t entertain any suggestions to help you support yourself. Support is not simply agreeing with you and making soothing noises if we don’t agree. Support is by its very nature, especially on MN, giving advice to try to help. However you continue to resist this.

I have made no insulting or personal comments. It is you who have brought up your MH issues many times. I need no educating.

Clearly it is either all of us who have no perspective.....or you. 🤷‍♀️

The only thing your continuing to post is doing is to keep your negative feelings stoked, which is rather sad

I continue to post to defend myself - why should I take these negative comments - if you don’t agree don’t post - you can support without giving advice!

I didn’t ask for advice - i didn’t ask for help I didn’t say what do you think I should do in this situation - some of you just chose to pile in saying do this or do that but mostly you are doing it all wrong and your kids are going to have long term issues as a result

I wonder what would have been the “advice” if I’d never mentioned MH at all. What do you think more counselling is going to achieve - make me look at this situation as you do?

Herd mentality!

Sorry if I've missed this, but are the dc getting full maintenance loans ?

Why is that relevant?

Green I work on a voluntary basis in peer support, and have had the relevant training. This is what it is:

“Peer support involves people sharing knowledge, experience or practical help with each other. Many voluntary and community groups encourage peer support. Health and social care commissioners are beginning to recognise the potential benefits”

This is how people are helped with any problems they might have. Your problem is centred round your ex . Those of us who have experienced similar have offered support. You cannot accept this, which is why it has been suggested that you try professional support instead. This form of support is not helping you.

Surely feeling the same as her - in this case preempting that she is going to be upset and giving her the support before she got to that stage let’s her know I understand how much this hurts and that she can come to me regardless of the fact it is he4 father upsetting her - someone that I would rather forget is still living!

No, I completely disagree. If you're getting upset and angry first and the kids pick up on that then you are all in a pit you won't get out of! Good luck.

After reading some of your previous outpourings it is obvious that you are only interested in hearing from those who sympathise with you and not from those who may be critical but who have offered you really good advice.

You have been completely consumed with hatred and bitterness over the past five years and god knows what that has done to your children.

Please consider getting some psychiatric help and I'm not talking about a few antidepressants.

@SilverySurfer

This is getting boring now

Please consider getting some psychiatric help and I'm not talking about a few antidepressants.

Been there done that - read the thread properly gp says I do not need psychiatric help - he’s been my gp all the way through this

What do you call someone that thinks they know better than someone else even when that someone else is a professional who knows me in RL? Arrogant!

You know I can accept so called good advice - it’s the insults that come with it that make it not supportive

Completely consumed with hatred and bitterness over the last 5 years - so funny and my kids are fine thanks - both on holiday celebrating their exam achievements!

@hammeringinmyhead - no dd was angry first - why is he doing this?
I’ve told him I don’t want the stuff - why did he buy it anyway? Why did he go shopping with OW?

The she tries to talk about it and gets the conditional option of only getting the help if she communicates with OW which she is never going to do

After she has calmed down she realises how hurt she is

I know the pattern - I have seen it so many times before

As part of your peer support group do you tell people they have got it wrong when they are describing a situation to you - d you dismiss them as having MH problems if they do not take your advice - that statement needs to include LISTENING - - it’s no good offering knowledge experience or practical help if you haven’t listened to the issue in the first place

Maybe you can’t see that all the things you have suggested I have tried or have done

I do not need professional support I need people to back off and stop being offended that they feel I have not listened to their advice. Not one of you has apologised for making wrong assumptions. I doubt most of you feel you need to - fully justified in thinking you are saying the right thing

We each make our own decisions - your use of “unlike you” is personal and insulting.You acted as you thought was right in your situation - I’m doing the same - none of you have been through the exact same situation - none of you have the right to tell me how I should feel or that I am causing my kids harm.

@hammeringinmyhead you have misconstrued what I said by only quoting half of it

When I first mentioned the group chat dd was angry - that was why I was angry - it was only later she told me how hurt she was about it

Disengage. Your children are old enough to navigate their relationship with their father or indeed disengage themselves. He won't change. A simple acknowledgement like 'this is what he's like', and then moving on isn't a dismissal but neither does it encourage toxicity and anger in the next generation.
You're going to end up defined by all this. And very, very unwell.

We're all the central characters in our own stories but not those of everyone else. In other words, not everything is about you. Not everything is engineered as a slight against you. You're not always victimised.

Love a Green Beret thread. Haven’t even read the whole thing sorry but can make a decent guess as to what it entails.