The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

By the way you can all gloat because my dd has just told me to fuck off - this is how the abuse manifests itself - maybe it will be me that goes very low contact and you can all cheer because I will have moved on and will no longer be “ fucking up” my kids - who’s going to look out for them then?

Green, it is simply because people are reading what you are posting and also might have read your past threads, that they are responding as they are, and for the vast majority are saying the same thing - that you should seek more support for your mental health.

Perhaps take a print out of this conversation and show it to Womens Aid if you think we are being abusive/nasty? Or to your MH team if you think we are being unhelpful?

Also, your last post - there is no gloating whatsoever. It will be incredibly sad if your DC decide to stop contact with you, or you them, and sadly you will continue to deny this is your fault. This is your choice and also, as adults, theirs too.

Carrying my mums anger, is and was draining. I wish, because I love her, that she could just let go and be happy with her new husband. Instead, she talks about what might have been, what she's lost all the time. I adore her but live a reasonable distance away to give myself headspace.

My Dad lives overseas, and I speak to him about once every 4 months. We aren't close.

I am writing to you because your anger comes across very clearly in your posts. Many people can see this. I have read your other threads and the reason I want you to get more help - to let go of the anger towards things you have no control over and to try and step back - will help both you and your children.

I don’t think anyone will gloat, it’s horrible that your DD has vented at you although not surprising under the circumstances.

I feel very sorry for you - I can sense the fury at being rendered so impotent by your exH’s actions.

What I would say is that it would be an awful awful shame to look back at your life and realise that so much of it was eaten up with anger and bitterness when there’s so much clearly to find joy and rejoice in. Sorry if that sounds hippy dippy, I just know from having lost many family members that I sorely regret having wasted time being angry with them.

My DF is the main example here - he left my mother for a family friend and my sisters and I were furious with him for years. He then got diagnosed with a terminal illness and declined quickly - I was eaten up with sadness that i had spent so long being so angry with him.

Sorry to sound trite and I know you’re hurting, but we only have one life. You can be happy again.

Green,

You may not be my mother (or Whiter’s) but your continued bitterness about your ex and the way you write about him could be her words. Of course you may be completely different in real life to how you come across on your threads, but people can only respond to your words.

Is communicating with her father and his now wife (not really the OW five years down the road) about finances really ‘abusive’? He has asked for a Snapchat about what she needs, not a declaration of undying love to your ex’s wife. I don’t like him making it into an ultimatum but your daughter is an adult and capable of stating what she would like for uni in professional and non emotional language.

You keep saying you are ‘supporting’ your family and I don’t doubt that you are trying, but, again from your words (which are all I can know of you) what you are saying and doing sounds deeply damaging.

You cannot change the past (either your ex’s behaviour or how you have responded) but you are not old. You have plenty of time to make a new life and build happy adult relationships with your children.

I agree with @chemicalworld going low or no contact is an awful thing for all involved. I have moved on from my DM's behaviour and I've got plenty of my own faults, but those scars always run deep. People are frustrated with you @greenberet not because they're projecting but because their experience has taught them the devastation this type of behaviour causes and would hope you would try to prevent your DCs from going through that.

Your ex sounds like an A-grade arsehole, but that doesn't mean everything he does is abusive and you can't control that. You can look at your own behaviour though and try and break the pattern for your and your DCs sake.

Actually over50 I was thinking about speaking to Womens Aid re the latest - what exactly will more support for my MH give me?

I have read and read articles linked to abuse - I post some that I think are helpful for others - I could post all that I read but I would be inundating everyone - covert abuse is very very difficult to spot!

Why should there be conditions to my Dd getting the financial support she needs from her father - he is effectively holding a gun to her head - either communicate with OW or I will not give you any money- He has already set up another group chat which OW has posted on significantly. If it is their money as he keeps telling Dd if OW was any sort of decent human being she would accept that x has to support Dd and not try and force dd into communicating with her.

i Shouldn’t be surprised nothing has changed from day one when they tried to convince me the marriage was over and no one else was involved - she helped draft the letter x sent to me - bloody obvious it wasn’t his words!

Some will gloat - if I decide to stop contact it will be to protect my own MH because I am caught in the bloody middle and I cannot resolve this because I do not have the money! That is the only hold he has over me currently.

If they decide to cease contact that is up to them - very sad yes - please do not assume that I will deny this is my fault - one of the aspects of depression is beating myself up because I cannot do more to help them financially or even be ontopof everything emotionally - I am fully aware this has impacted on them. Ironically that is why I come on here looking for understanding from people who I thought could offer this but no all I get is a fucking kicking for everyone else’s own insecurities and unresolved issues!

It is so very sad. I love my mother but i wish she could have let go of the anger, the whatifs, I just want her to be happy. She isn't - and sad as it is I cannot facilitate that anger/loss any more for my own mental health.

'all I get is a fucking kicking for everyone else’s own insecurities and unresolved issues!'

Can you not see that people are trying to help you?

@larrygrylls - NOT WIFE not married - yet anyway - I can call her what I like - maybe the bitterness comes out because I am continually having to defend myself on here - yes asking her time and time again to do something that she does not want to do is abusive - and not only that he bloody just ignores her as if her opinion does not matter -

It seems I cannot win here - because either I continue to do what I’m doing and try and educate them both into what is abuse, get caught in the middle and then get slated because I am not dancing round the garden pretending everything is tickety boo or I do nothing - keep well back and then get slated for not having my dds back or for not working and sponging off a rich husband or for dossing around in bed all day or for being a dysfunctional twisted bitter ex wife!

I won’t post about the other side of my life - the moving on bit - because no doubt some will find reason to criticize, judge, berate because I am not doing what they think I should be doing!

Time to get off here I think - this is doing more harm to my MH than the bloody x

It’s a shame all you posters who are ripping into greenberet can’t stop and think: she’s on here for support, a place where she is supposed to be able to say how she feels. That means she doesn’t necessarily say all these things to her children. She’s obviously doing the best she can in a very difficult situation so why, if you can’t offer support, don’t you say nothing at all, instead of saying to her all the things that you obviously wish you could say to your own parent? You don’t know how her children feel; you are projecting.

Are you the same lady who moved back and forth from Australia? Is this still going on? You really must move on, for the sake of your health.

My focus is on getting them to uni - i could have rolled my eyes at many of his antics but this doesn’t solve the issue - does it? - what should I have done when he refused to pay my DS school fees - roll my eyes and say move on!

You KNOW this is not the kind of thing I am referring to. Him being a dick to DD via whatsapp requires no input from you other than commiserations; him suddenly withdrawing school fees needed a resolution. There is no resolution to his ultimatum to your DD. You cannot make him give her the money by being angry.

No @chemicalworld you said 15 years I am at 5 - 3 of these years was taken up with divorce - the last two dealing with various ombudsman’s trying to rectify my situation as well as nearly having to go to court with CMS - a year looking at property and realising I couldn’t afford to be anywhere near my kids - the on going financial stress of renting the former family home to keep the kids home life stable because the X would not agree that the kids could live with him ( not that they wanted to anyway) 2 years of this having to fund my Ds school fees whilst OW and X go off on lavish holidays instead and all the time thinking what the fuck am I going to do to support myself moving forward

InTheSpoon,

It is true that we all project, although frequently it is more of an extrapolation. But all threads do involve an element of projection.

But what is support? If you read most of what those who have ‘ripped into her’ have said (and you have to read whole posts in the round, not just quote pithy phrases to prove a point) they have all advised the OP positively about how to go about getting better and building decent relationships with her children.

Surely supporting someone about to crash a car isn’t to praise their brilliant driving and help them criticise the car, it is to tell them to slow down, think and avoid the crash.

@itsinthespoon I have said these things to my own parent. My wish is that the OP does not continue down this path for both herself and her children.

I am not 'ripping into her' - I genuinely find her threads very worrying. I dont think that she filters everything on here so that she doesn't say it in real life. It is clear from her children's reactions that they find it difficult.

Sometimes, being honest with someone, is the only way to get through. The repercussions of her anger will impede on her life and believe it or not, I don't want that.

@ItsInTheSpoon isn't just telling people what they want to hear. That would do far more harm. Telling our experiences is far more supportive than offering platitudes or saying nothing as we are the people who can see where this is heading.

@hammeringinmyhead - as above - actually I think minimising someone’s feelings is a form of abuse? Trying to tell someone not to feel what they are feeling is a form of abuse.

I am not trying to make him give her the money by being angry - I am angry because he puts Dd in a situation that is uncalled for and abusive and I cannot help her out of it! I cannot fund her anymore. She sees it for what it is but doesn’t stand up to him as I said he has a gun to her head

@chemicalworld - see you are doing it again - you ASSUME that I am constantly talking about what I have lost - the what ifs - that I AM YOUR MOTHER.

I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER - how many times do I need to say this - I have a house to move to - it is 10 minutes from lots of beaches - just today the nearest high street is voted in the top 10 - I have a lot to look forward to - but as I continually say my aim is to get my DC settled in uni before I focus on myself - their ability to do this is continually hampered by their DF who continues to use MONEY as a weapon - nothing new here either been doing this the last 5 years.

@whitershadeofpale - your experience is only supportive if I identify with it - just because your life ended up like it did does not mean mine will - you obviously have a tremendous gift if you can see into the future!

@chemicalworld - would you like to see some recent screenshots of my children’s reactions - would this shut you up!

Wowzers. You wonder why people think you have anger issues?

@ItsInTheSpoon That means she doesn’t necessarily say all these things to her children.

The ops own words from another post is below. She involves the children in every aspect of her bitterness.

I believe in telling them the truth- I do not believe you can "protect" kids

@larrygrylls your post is extremely patronising and I don’t think your car analogy is relevant
@chemicalworld I believe you are trying to help
Support is about offering your views and advice, to try to help - not becoming increasingly impatient and personally insulting when these aren’t agreed with. That’s not being supportive.

And before you all say there’s no need to be like that - I can’t be bothered to pretend I’m saying something nice - dress it up in fancy language - when I’m being anything but - you seek support from others doing exactly the same so you can then say it can’t be us there’s two or three of us that all think this - it must be her

So predictable so typical of covert abuse