The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

Good luck with your life green . I'm hiding this thread now because I just can't expend any more energy on someone who's fawning over the three posters who've agreed with you and hurled abuse at the rest of us.

No one is actually listening to me just judging me by their own experience.

People are listening to you, you just don't want to hear what they say in response.

Quite frankly I’d like to be saying fuck it to most of the posters on here

so why post ?

Oh wait...you want us to learn from your experiences ?

Wow dottycat123.
Its been 3 years since I lost my son and I still cry every day. I had better buck my ideas up and get over it.
I find this thread very, very sad.
Relationships should be a safe place to express hurt, frustration, grief, anger.
This is not AIBU.
It doesnt appear to me that the OP is expressing these feelings to her dc.
There are many threads on here where the OPs are in similar circumstances to this one. Messy divorce from a rich, manipulative, controlling, financially abusive man.
Yet on those threads the OP is given support and understanding.
I find it difficult to understand.

Unfortunately you are never going to see what everyone else can and its a shame for your children. You daughter is distressed through learned behaviour from You. You could have fixed this years ago but have continued to behave in a way which is damaging not supporting.

but there is a well known tactic of how “abusers” goad “victims” into an angry response purely for this reason so they can turn round and say “ you are the abuser” - just as my X did funnily enough

You mean like when you hit him?And he had the sheer audacity to call it physical assault? And you've been raging ever since about how he "goaded" you into doing it? And anyway, it was on his chest not his face so it didn't count? But he's definitely the abuser!

I mean this gently, but you sound a bit emotionally unhinged. I think you need to see a psychiatrist.

I've read many threads on here from women in desperate need for help and advice and they have been given it. Sometimes it has taken a while but in many cases it has changed their life immeasurably for the better.

This is not one of those threads. This thread is here for one purpose only, for the OP to spew out venom and hatred against her ex. She doesn't want any help or advice to the extent that she strongly rejects any attempt from posters, some of whom have been through the same thing and can offer fantastic advice, only responds positively to three posters who pander to her, is totally disinterested in attempting to improve her life or not affecting those of her children.

I think people's time and effort will probably be better spent on those other posts.

PS OP, don't waste your bile on replying to this, I won't be back to read it. Save it for your ex.

I really cannot be bothered with this thread anymore - it is turning into complete and utter nonsense

Green, can I ask why to you continue to post on here, seeing as in your eyes we are similar to your ex in that you feel that what we regard as supportive, helpful answers, you term as abusive? In what way do you see this as being helpful to you?

.

@SilverySurfer

It sounds like there is some history to this then. If as you describe it suggests the OP would have some kind of personality disorder, right ? Histrionic, Borderline ? I feel really bad for kids who have to live with this kind of toxicity, it's so damaging long term...

@endofthelinefinally I’m so sorry for your loss. I think losing a child must be one of the worst things on earth to experience, and I can’t conceive of how my mum felt when we lost my sister.

I think it is normal to still experience grief for a long time, if not forever, after such an event. When my mum died I would agree with Dotty that the first 12 months were by far the most intense, but the pain did lessen as the years passed. I don’t think she is inferring that the grief just stops, rather that we learn to manage it, and accept it’s still ok to be sad.

Your situation is very far removed from the OPs though, whose posts some of us have been reading for years.

No, Green, it's not me (nice tactic), it's you. You're obsessed with 'financial abuse', all you mention is money. I've noticed a couple of times when you've gone to type 'my children', you type 'me' instead, which is a ironic typo because this is all about you.
Knowing your ex was abusive in your relationship, and was financially abusive towards the children afterwards, why would you set up your children to expect financial help and rely on it anyway? You're giving him power. Expect nothing and anything extra is a bonus. Plan and strategise things live university life as most do, i.e., without input of wealthy parents and they can't go far wrong.

@greenberet that’s interesting that you think I have an “issue that you have been lucky enough not to have to work” It wasn’t luck that meant you didn’t have to work though- it was your ex paying for everything for over 20 years long before you even had any children (at least according to your previous posts). Was it lucky to have a relationship with a man you describe as abusive?

It seems to me as a pp said that you are angry that he has stopped funding you. That’s not abuse. I think that there was some truth in what you said- you were lucky to find someone to fund you all those years, you had a much better life then and now than if you’d had to support yourself (as you don’t seem to be able to work so would have lived in poverty). You’re much better off thanks to your ex, so I would be thankful for that and try to move on and stop being so damaging to your kids.

He was definitely shady with money. They both had her listed as company secretary in a company they jointly owned and paid the salary into the joint account even though she wasn't actually doing the job. Then when they split up, he took her off the joint account and she only had access to the kids savings to pay a solicitor. He was definitely dodgy with money all along. We know that. Likely as tight as a ducks arse, fair enough.

But it's very hard to find any other way he was actually abusive. Lord knows we'd have heard of it by now! But it always always ALWAYS circles around to money.

People do not understand that abusive men remain abusive,and more so after.

Its not something you can control or put a stop to

Truth, we know this - a lot of us have experience of men who try to control us and/or our kids after divorce. However we can control the way we react to them. Our kids also, when they become adults, can choose likewise.

Ironically there are some very sad and bitter people here claiming to give me advice and support.

I have had my situation confirmed as abuse by Women’s Aid funnily enough @ElspethFlashman financial abuse is about money - it’s in the name! You seriously have a chip on your shoulder not quite sure what but you come out with some very spiteful comments!

I am going to take the view that those that choose not to believe me do so as they are not familiar with the abuse I have suffered rather than that they are deliberately trying to rile me.

Some posters on here are particularly nasty - im going to put this down to a lack of awareness that their chose of words betrays the message they think they are giving.

@prawnsword - you are out of order - what professional qualification do you have that allows you to diagnose me - none obviously because no professional person would diagnose someone off an anonymous thread.

It’s obvious that none of you are going to gain anything off my thread other than getting some sort of kick out of running me down.

What is more sad is that your selfish behaviour has taken away from what I am posting about in the first place. I didn’t invent the term covert abuse - it exists after many years of studying and recognising repeat patterns of behaviour by many experts.

I was lucky enough to get some very good support off MN from a group of women going through the same as me - it helped immensely in the early days.

I only hope that there are enough of these people out there that still continue to support people as they genuinely want to help rather than people with a fragile sense of self that need to bolster it by focusing on people’s weaknesses.

The irony here is that you have all told me to focus on the positives but continually spout negative shite. An obvious complete lacking in self awareness.

@over50andfab

However we can control the way we react to them

If you are controlling the way you react - you are still reacting - what is the reaction that you trying not to have?

I was lucky enough to get some very good support off MN from a group of women going through the same as me - it helped immensely in the early days.

I only hope that there are enough of these people out there that still continue to support people as they genuinely want to help rather than people with a fragile sense of self that need to bolster it by focusing on people’s weaknesses.

Green, yes, there are, and still trying hard, although you continue, as then, to fall out and disagree with them. 🤷‍♀️

Green, I simply don’t react - I have no need to. I have no contact and neither do my DC. They don’t need their dad and certainly not his money. They got maximum uni loan and they got part time jobs. One of them also changed their surname. This was all their choice.

He has my mobile no for emergencies only. End of. He gets no further thought from any of us. If my kids wanted to remain in contact I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but like yours, they are intelligent adults and can figure it all out without my help.

It truly is abusive and financially coercive the way he is attaching conditiins to giving money to his ds and the dire consequences.

Well @over5Oandfab - I must have missed out on a life lesson somewhere - the one that says you have to AGREE with everyone!

Given that this is a thread about abuse - surely there would be no “abuse” if everyone agreed all the time!

I have no contact and neither do my DC.

Did their father have regular contact with them or was he sporadic or did he disappear completely - how old are your dc and how old were they when the marriage broke up

@over50andfab - tell me why you continue to read my posts?

It's your dcs money, over50 and he owes it them.

They deserve that, and its for their support.