The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

If you can see that your dds graduation in 3 years will be a flashpoint would it not be worth spending the next 3 years helping her to accept her father’s partner to avoid that outcome? I think if you let her know that you wouldn’t mind it then it could happen. The biggest obstacle is that she must know how much you don’t want her to. And that’s not fair on her.

@MrsWobble3 - have you read my previous posts

Have you read that my Ds has a relationship with Ow and her kids. I had the discussion with both of them a long time ago and said that I would stand by whatever decision they made.

I’m sorry but it is my dd choice not to have anything to do with her. She has her reasons for not accepting her why should I try and get her to change these - is this not undermining her capability to reach a decision based on how she feels about a situation.

Upthread I was told that the relationship Dd has with her father is none of my business therefore it follows that her relationship with OW is none of my business either. Infact OW has told me this!

My dd is an adult capable of making very good decisions. Personally i would not encourage anyone to have a relationship with anybody who lies, cheats, manipulates, ignores, overrides, undermines - they are not good values that I would want my dd associating with.

If her father wants her to have a relationship with him and her it’s up to him to facilitate this not me.,

Are you an OW or STepmum?

But if your dd would be happier why wouldn’t you help her?

She would not be happier with a relationship with her. She would be happier if her Df did not try and force her to have a relationship with her. Or financially manipulate her into having a relationship. As far as she’s concerned OW broke up her family and as a result she lost out on many things. I dont think this translates as happy do you

I really cannot be bothered with this thread anymore - it is turning into complete and utter nonsense!

@greenberet I am in the very very fortunate position of having a friend in real life who has been supportive throughout my hideous divorce and the continuing horrible saga - and although she gives me advice and sometimes it isn’t enjoyable to listen to, the main reason she is so amazing is that she always listens, really listens, and tries to understand, and she never starts criticising if I don’t agree with her, she just continues to support me - which gives me the feeling that she has faith in me and my behaviour. This is a truly wonderful gift, especially having had to deal with ex who never thinks I do the right thing.
This is in contrast to many posters on here who seem to think that if you don’t agree with their advice, they have the right to harangue and criticise you, rather than allowing that you have some judgement and previous experience which affects how you deal with things. You are, after all, the expert about your own situation!
I know from my own experience that no matter how much you may long to move on, supporting the DCs in their difficult relationships with ex means you have to step back into the morass and help them deal with problems that crop up.

@ItsInTheSpoon - you are very lucky having such a friend - and I am very lucky that you have continued to support me on here.

You have said everything in your post.

Some posters may have good intentions but they do not realise that their choice of words gives away some unhealed stuff, some anger, some jealousy something that they still have to deal with themselves.

They do not realise that the “frustration” they claim to feel as a result of thinking I am not listening to them is “frustration” in themselves and an indication that they need to do some work on their own healing.

@dottycat123 - you said yesterday that my response has become abnormal. How do you define abnormal?

You have said you have read some of my posts - do you know my full history over the last 5 years - do you know the full extent of what I have been through - I’m not going to repost because some on here will see it as further wallowing in self pity - but I think my circumstances are pretty abnormal - have you read the bit where I had to take my MH support worker to court to get the hearing adjourned on the morning of the hearing because the judge would not accept a drs certificate, the many letters on my file from my gp re my mental health and from MH support team, a telephone conference the week before I had with her where I became extremely distressed - as belief that my MH was not up to attending a two day court hearing unrepresented.

I would like to know how many times you have known this to happen

I appreciate you taking time to post - you mentioned PTSD - I am well aware that emotional abuse can lead to this. I have been questioning myself - other indicators in my life which I have not gone into detail on here has led me to question whether I have been suffering from PTSD as a result of my experiences - I’d even go as far as CPTSD.

Finally I have a question for others - if OW & X are offering to help out DD financially at uni with no ulterior motive why is it that when the affordability of Ds’s School fees were an issue and I was asking X to pay towards these -there was stony silence.

Ds was suicidal at this point - not the first time!

Was it because OW does not agree with private school out of principle?

Was it because ds had already met her and therefore was not a bargaining tool?

Why was the mention of suicide not a significant enough indication of the state of ds mind?

Was it because x himself had used this “prank” as a means to manipulate how he came across in the eyes of others - ie could not be seen as the bad guy for having an affair - because the “guilt” of it all had left him “suicidal” .

surely somebody who has genuinely been here would do their utmost to help anyone in this situation.

There is no question as to whether “they” could afford them - they were going on a 5* holiday

Double standards I believe is one of the indicators of abuse!

Your ex paid half your sons uni accommodation and suggested he ask his grandpa for money he’s entitled to for the rest. He bought your daughter some things from Ikea. Neither of those are abusive.

There’s nothing in your ex’s behaviour that indicates abuse of any sort. And that’s from your version which is likely very different from his.

It may be that he’s not the best parent, not listening to the dcs but there’s a long way to go before you could describe him as abusive to them.

As many others have said, you need to move on and stop involving your kids in this toxic drama. Your marriage ended more than 5 years ago, right? You cannot expect your ex to support you for your whole life because you don’t work and haven’t ever worked for any significant period according to your other posts. You need to get on with getting a job and supporting yourself. Your ex is not going to do it. Very many people with depression work - the vast majority in fact. It does sound like NPD tbh.

I suppose your angry posts do strike a cord with me and others as we have been in the position of the children in a bad break up with a lot of anger and bitterness to the parent who left. It’s a really toxic damaging thing to do to your children. You need to stop it and move on.

That last post again does not describe abuse. It describes your anger with your ex and his new partner.

It’s very worrying that you say your son is suicidal - your behaviour cannot be helping at all. Please try to support him and move on from your break up. You are his parent too and have as much obligation to financially support him as his father.

Good grief, your latest post is, and I'm going to be very blunt here, demonstrates perfectly that it's all about you.

Ffs do you honestly believe your circumstances and so unique that you're the only woman in the world going through what has apparently happened to you.

Your ex's finances are bugger all to do with you anymore, your children are adults. Just stop wilfully destroying your children's lives, stop it

The only support you want is financial support, let's face it. That's what this is all about.
Saying posters are abusing you really does diminish your argument about abuse. You're not being abused. Your kids' dad is a bit shit. That's it.

They are getting full maintenance loans, they do not need exH for any financial help whilst at university.

Just came to show further support for you Green

Its simple, either the ex wsnts to contribute and hold good to his commitment to the deposit, or he doesn't. The abuse is clear when he starts to threaten that his committed to contribution could actually be withdrawn if other criteria of his design are not met.

He has no right to do this. He either wants to help his ds or he doesnt.

I would set away from him, your poor ds and yourself have once again been caught in his trap financial coercion trap believing he would be good to his word, so have planned have budgeted accordingly, but, at this late hour to threaten its withdrawal is just blackmail and coercion.

Nobody elae has to understand this, I'm sure your WA liaison will understand this completely amd advise you the same, that money and presents given belong to the receiver and are given freely and without condition, as is love.

Sadly, he has taught you yet another horrid, but yet valuable lesson.

He has really driven the nail home that his contributions will always have conditions, and are not freely given, but used to control.

It is not possible make plans around abusers as your exact situation is the outcome.

Refuse his money, ask for help from the uni or other sources and explain the situation.

Ask him to either let his ds have the promised money, or not, but just to confirm one way or the other, no other info needed just an 'are you withdrawing funding or not, where the remainder comes from is unrelated and doesnt require your input'.

Ignore any pp who just want to have a dig at you or crticise.

The upshot of your ex potentially withdrawing his conditional offer of funding might mean that yiur ds will have to use his hard earned savings to pay for his deposit in full and lose his holiday.

That will be a result of his fathers coercive financial control. Nothing else. Very sad.

Can he go away with a few hundred less to spend? Maybe share it across some credit cards, or find a zero % interest deal?

You will all know never to trust his words again. Hopefully this will be a trust fully broken and never trusted again. Dont listen to him ever again, if he hands over money, fine, but talk of it is just control over you clearly.

Green your posts are just a pseronal monologue about how life is so unfair to you.

You aren't the only person who has been through this. It's been 5 years. Start taking responsibility for your reaction to your ex. Most of the time you should be rolling your eyes and moving on.

I cannot believe quite how self centred you are.

@zsazsajuju

Your ex paid half your sons uni accommodation and suggested he ask his grandpa for money he’s entitled to for the rest. He bought your daughter some things from Ikea. Neither of those are abusive.

As usual you have abridged circumstances to justify your opinion.

As you put it no neither of these instances are abusive but abuse is a pattern of behaviour that can be identified over and over again.

Has my Ds heard from his GF I doubt it!

Personally I think you have an issue that I have been lucky enough not to need to work. Personally I would rather not have depression that has in my opinion and many of yours had an impact on how I deal with things.

You seem to have conveniently forgotten that a counsellor told both of us that x behaviour was extremely selfish and this was before any of the really shit stuff happened - and that in professional opinion he was sarcastic..

Anyone who has felt as low as I have and asked themselves am I crazy would quite happily have accepted a diagnosis of NPD if this was the case as a means of understanding their own behaviour.

As I’ve said before which again you conveniently chose to ignore if this was the case I’m sure one of the professionals I have seen would have picked up on this.

zsazsa - I suggest you read the posts properly as you are way off - Ds WAS suicidal NOT NOW

@SistersOfMerci

Good grief, your latest post is, and I'm going to be very blunt here, demonstrates perfectly that it's all about you.

Yes it’s all about me cos FFS I’m questioning my MH with dotty who has said she is a MH expert and as hard as this may be for you to hear I value her opinion on this over and above the rest of you.

As you have said

Ffs do you honestly believe your circumstances and so unique that you're the only woman in the world going through what has apparently happened to you.

yep I am the only one going through my circumstances - some may have been through similar - but MY circumstances are unique to me - this is not a characteristic of NPD by the way but a Fact.

My circumstances have happened to me - no apparently about it - why would I lie - what benefit would this have to me.

Just stop wilfully destroying your children's lives, stop it

Who are you to tell me to stop it - why the fuck do you think I have done all this for as long as I have - to destroy my kids lives - you are deluded -

I could have moved on when the day after he left - focused completely on myself, not paid Ds school fees, not continued to rent the former family home to give the kids stability - and fucked off on a round the world trip - would this have been a better option - certainly would have been better for my fucking MH - do you not think!

I dont think its generally realised how much worse the control often gets once out of the abuse relationship.

It can often be the post relationship abuse that most often gets women murdered or to the point of suicide.

I am so sorry for the reactions to your honesty here.

Abuse is hard to understand, and I like to believe this is what you are experiencing, not that people are posting with genuinely poor intent.

It would be likely you are suffering with PTSD, especially if you have got to the point of doubting your own mental capacity as a result of the abuse, even considering you have a pd.

You have done extremely well to continue to vocalise your experience in the faces of those who try to invalidate, minimise and deny your experiences.

Keep strong KOKO

@Sagradafamiliar - I cant be bothered to answer you if you think I am that fucking shallow - maybe this is you ?

women’s aid don’t seem to agree with you on the abuse

Thank you @TruthOnTrial x

@Teachermaths -

Green your posts are just a pseronal monologue about how life is so unfair to you

Yes funnily enough this is a personal monologue - but no also includes how abuse is continue to happen to myself ( less so) but very much to my kids

You aren't the only person who has been through this.

Never said I was but my circumstances are unique to me as poster upthread pointed out

It's been 5 years

So what - didn’t realise there is a timescale attached to this

Start taking responsibility for your reaction to your ex. yes I am I am less angry than I have been in the past

Most of the time you should be rolling your eyes and moving on.

When my kids get to this stage and they see it for what it is I will be happy to roll my eyes - might even take my eyeballs out & roll them around the floor for added impact

I cannot believe quite how self centred you are

I cannot believe quite how lacking you are in self awareness and compassion

I really cannot be bothered with this thread anymore - it is turning into complete and utter nonsense!

This is the problem- unless people agree with you then you turn abusive. Any suggestion whatsoever is knocked back . All these years down the line you should be saying Fuck it to him and getting on your feet . Move, get a job but you are going to continue to let the past dictate your future . What do women's aid suggest ? That you continue to live like this ?

might even take my eyeballs out & roll them around the floor for added impact

@TruthOnTrial - thank you again - you really do not know how much having one person understand all this means to me - I have often tried to compare the emotional abuse to physical abuse as this is easier to comprehend - but still not enough

KOKo - means even more x

@TheStuffedPenguin

This is the problem- unless people agree with you then you turn abusive.

I think you have got this the wrong way round - unless I do what people are telling me I should be doing under the guise of advice they are the ones that turn abusive

All these years down the line you should be saying Fuck it to him

Quite frankly I’d like to be saying fuck it to most of the posters on here but then I get my posts deleted for not playing by the rules - so I’m saying it in nice polite language instead - sadly it doesn’t quite have the same impact though - and yes you could say this is “ abusive” but there is a well known tactic of how “abusers” goad “victims” into an angry response purely for this reason so they can turn round and say “ you are the abuser” - just as my X did funnily enough

I say this with the understanding that most on here do not understand this covert abuse tactic and are as poster upthread said have no bad intentions towards me

Green, I obviously can't know all the details but like any grief reaction there comes a point when if a person can't move forward and find emotional peace it is no longer a normal reaction, abnormal grief is generally when after about 12 months after the event everything is still as raw. As I said before you may find EMDR helps but may not be available on the nhs. The fact that you are already anticipating problems at your dd graduation in 3 years time indicates that you are 'stuck' psychologically and not currently anticipating any changes for the better in the future. Trauma comes in many forms and whilst it is perhaps not as accepted that your divorce/ on going issues with ex should do this they clearly are driving a trauma response in you. If you start to view this as a PTSD response you may have a new way of driving change.