The fucker continues the abuse of kids

[greenberet]

So yesterday I posted how proud I was of both dc getting great grades and first choice uni places and the relief after too many years of worry

Just to point out how well Ds did - he is the second highest in his year point wise - which is bloody fantastic - he had the opportunity to upgrade but has stuck with his choice. The school I believe had written him off!

Well it didn’t last long.

Ds has to secure his accommodation by Sunday - he is off inter railing on sunday for 3 weeks with friends - all paid for by himself from his weekend job - he has been working both sat & Sunday for the last 8 months or so - originally it was just to Christmas but he managed to keep it up.

He is working tomorrow his last day and trying to pack.

The x has said he will pay £250 of his £550 accommodation deposit - he has told ds to phone his GF - x DF - to ask him to release some of the money he holds from the death of x mother - probably in some account that needs notice - and a possibility that GF will not agree - what then?

Ds is now panicking saying he doesn’t want to go - he is getting overwhelmed by the emails coming from the uni - this is typical behaviour of ds - all of which could be eradicated by x just paying the deposit

Will he fuck - he would rather have ds worrying about this for the next two days and not being able to go off on his holiday - ds was already meant to be at a leaving do tonight but has bailed out.

This is all so reminiscent of the school fees saga - x has to have a hold over them both - he was quite happy to attend school with ds yesterday no doubt to take some of the glory despite not paying the school fees for the last two years.

I’ve paid it despite my own precarious financial situation- I would rather not eat than see ds worry.

I’m documenting this still as I’m in liaison with Women’s Aid -

The sooner the kids can cut loose from this fucker the better.

By the way his maintenance will now stop - he’s £840 a month better off - but still holds the kids to a fucking ransom

Are they getting full maintenance loans or not ? As you are a single parent and not working then they should. Answer the question and I'll explain the relevance.

Why are you and the kids entertaining his whims? Why don't you (plural) make your lives so that you don't need or expect anything from him? That way he cannot control any of you. Wouldn't that feel so much more peaceful, even if it does mean being poor?

@Caucho - so pleased to keep you entertained - seems you can’t be bothered to read it all but still have to come on and have a dig

My MH has thankfully recovered enough since last time to realise the toxicity in the comments on here and not to take it all personally - otherwise right now I’d probably be in a very sorry state.

@Sagradafamiliar what you said simple acknowledgement like this ...

Is what I’m aiming for but perhaps my emotions were still pretty raw after results day and hoping that kids grades had not been effected by all this and so this caught me out.

You did not need to say this youre going to end up defined by all this. And very very unwell

This is your view -toxic and probably meant to goad me

If you read my Op - you will see it was all about kids and impact on them - nothing about how I felt at all - it was only as people posted saying how angry and bitter I was that I became angry at people’s wrong perception of me,

The slight towards me was me having to help out Ds financially again.

I’ve come to realise this is a bit like fox hunting - I’m the fox on this thread and you lot are the blood thirsty hounds - apart from one or two - I’m just the sport to keep you lot entertained.

None of you really give a shit about how I feel despite pretending youre out to help me because not one of you has looked at your own posts and said ok I realise Ive got this not quite right based on what I have said further - you just keep reiterating that I need mental health support and my kids are going to be damaged

This is all very much like dealing with the X - thinks he’s out to help but actually just pisses everyone off as he’s got his own agenda whatever that is and no personal insight

I’m off out now to pursue one of my hobbies _ have a good day all - lovely day today x

@scarecrowhead - yes they are -

@cranstonmanor - yes we’re working on it - don’t think the kids expected his “offer of help” to be conditional - that’s all - very simple really

Full maintenance loans are £8.7k a year (more for London). Once their deposit is paid there is no need for extra help from their father. They can be independent of him.

No I wasn't goading you. It was more a warning. The rest of your paragraphs demonstrate my point, ironically. I refrained from going a step further and saying what I can quite reasonably see happening because I wasn't setting out to be cruel. You're clearly someone who feels things very deeply to the point where everything seems raw and like an attack. Don't be remembered for this.
Choose a peaceful life.

Why do I need a warning?

I refrained from going a step further and saying what I can quite reasonably see happening - do you have a crystal ball

Yes I feel things deeply - but I am also pretty perceptive in picking up on words that are meant to hit a nerve and make an attack

Why should I be remembered for this?

I will be remembered for someone that went through hell and survived

I can't believe you're actually still going 'defending yourself' against us all offering decent, solid, tried and tested advice.

I have nothing further to add (and I've done mental health support training myself as well as having had poor mental health most of my life in many forms. I did this training as part of my own recovery to get well btw.) other than if you won't engage with those of us saying, move on, your kids aren't actual kids anymore and they need to learn to deal with their father's dramas themselves as adults. Continuing as you are is doing them a disservice, they need to cope in the world.

And you need to learn to move on or else you will be a very bitter and unhappy person for the rest of your life.

As part of your peer support group do you tell people they have got it wrong when they are describing a situation to you - d you dismiss them as having MH problems if they do not take your advice - that statement needs to include LISTENING - - it’s no good offering knowledge experience or practical help if you haven’t listened to the issue in the first place

You are absolutely right green, the most important thing is indeed to listen. You say you have had MH issues and sought help. You also say your GP thinks you no longer need help for these and your MH team have signed you off. But then you say you still struggle due to your mental health issues and any work might be difficult and only to your specifications when you move.

You have threads discussing your situation going back years. I certainly haven’t followed all, but first interacted with you about 4 years ago. You continue to dismiss any help given from many posters who have been in a similar position and prefer to believe no one gets you or understands fully your situation. We are trying to support you yet you don’t see it.

This is why ai do not believe that your continued posting on Mumsnet is helpful to you. It is only, as said already, fuelling your negative thoughts.

Enjoy your day and please do take a break from here.

And you are shooting everyone down in flames and saying you know better than them?

You sound angry and deranged and actually abusive in the way you write and rant.

I think none of this is doing you any good at all. You need to step back from here and from trying to control your children's interaction with their father. Their relationship with him quite frankly is none of your business any more! The hours you spend posting here could be far better served doing something practical and positive with your time.

And if the children come to you upset over his actions you are going to have to do your best to be neutral, show some empathy and not slag him off. Otherwise you will cause so much more harm than your current damaging behaviour is doing to them. They need a stable mother - not one who rants and raves about their father every 2 minutes.

He tried to buy some student stuff for your daughter - and all you did was criticise. My own DC just graduated - her own father did not even know which uni she attended let alone paid one penny towards any of it. I really wish he had bought her some uni stuff - even if it had been wrong.

If he is an abuser then it is done and you need to find some way of letting go of this fury as very soon the only person you will be ranting at is yourself in a vacuum. Do you want your children in your future or do you want to be angry, bitter and alone? The choice here is yours.

The slight towards me was me having to help out Ds financially again
Is it just all about money? My inference from your threads is you seem to expect that ex should pay everything (including for you?) and is a bastard for not, but you being expected to work or pay anything towards your children is just awful!

Have you read any of the stately homes threads op? That is where your kids are going to be in a few years possibly 're titled to 'but we sent you to private School'.

I believe the principle of doing the right thing always takes precedent.

You can't change your ex, all you can do is change how you and your dc in turn react to his actions. You won't change him and to try and do so is like walking into a brick wall hoping one day you'll break through. It gets no one anywhere.

Had my dd done as suggested I’m sure this would have mightily backfired and pissed him off - the repercussions of which are anybody’s guess!

How would he have known she sold the items?

@KatherineJaneway makes a really good point. You can't change your ex or his behaviour but you can change the way you react to it.

I am not sure what you hope to gain from writing these posts, the replies seem to anger you as much as your ex.

Sagradafamiliar
You're going to end up defined by all this. And very, very unwell.

I unfortunately agree.

OP this is your pity party and I'm sorry if you don't like what some posters are saying, but understand that none of them, including me, have said anything to hurt you but instead to try to help you.

It's obvious you have zero interest in finding any form of peace after the break up of your marriage and will continue to spit bile and venom for every perceived insult or act by your ex or his DP.

Don't you think you deserve to live a happy and contented life, rather than one full of hatred and loathing?

Ah it's a waste of time. No-one on here is going to make you see what you are doing to yourself and your children.

You act like you’re the only person in the world that’s experienced mental health issues and you’re the only person in the world that knows how to deal with it.

You’ve been told time and again you’re dealing with it wrong, you’re never going to listen though because you are too pig headed to believe that anyone else may know better than you. Just because we’ve not been through your exact situation doesn’t mean we’ve not been through extremely similar and come out the other end better and stronger ourselves.

You want to be caught in a pit of self despair and entitlement that is your choice but I will repeat - yet again - that your children will hate you for this.

I’m really sickened by many of the posts on here. So much for people being able to seek support! Huh!

What do you suggest ItsInTheSpoon that we tell the OP to carry on with her hatred and loathing of her ex and that it doesn't impact on her or her children? Because that would be untrue.

People are trying to suggest that she gets past these feelings, with whatever help may be available, if she is ever to have a chance of a happy and fulfilling life.

This is not just one thread, there are many, going back to 2014 when the marriage ended and the OP has taken no advice or moved forward since then.

I feel terribly sorry for her and hope she can find a way out of this pit.

Spoon the support offered by the vast majority of posters is in fact support - I.e. peer support from those who have experienced similar and want only the best for her, just not the kind that the OP is looking for, which is why is might be more helpful for her to seek it in another way. No one has denied that she has been through a tough time, in common with many of us.

I have read over some previous threads by OP the anger and hostility is always present. OP I know you say that your GP and mental health team have discharged you and whilst your depression may have improved your extended grief ( manifesting as anger)around your husband leaving is not a psychologically healthy response so many years on. The inability to move on psychologically is clearly damaging to you and in turn impacts on your children. Before I am told I know nothing about mental health I have been a MH nurse for 34 years, your response has become abnormal. I would even go as far as saying you seem to have a form of ptsd , if you are prepared to consider you may need more help then it is worth looking into EMDR therapy. I have no wish to offend you but something needs to change if you and your children are to move forward and find emotional peace.

@ItsInTheSpoon - thank you for continuing to support me unconditionally

I can’t be bothered to reply to these latest posts because it is the same old stuff being said over again.

No one is actually listening to me just judging me by their own experience.

Whatever I say is twisted out of context to justify the advice being given, I am being harangued into thinking that I should have moved on from this, got over the anger by now as I am doing untold damage to my kids and that I am going to live a very bitter life!

The sad thing is you think you are all offering me support but in fact much of this is just more of the abuse that I came on here to vent about in the first place.

so what if I have been posting since 2014 - when I have finished with this I’m done - I won’t be coming back to this in x number of years time because I shoved it away in a box under the guise of moving on. I will have dealt with my feelings fully and all this will be behind me

@dottycat123 - thank you for posting - do you have any experience of covert abuse

I really do not understand why you think I should not be angry at my X continuing to emotionally and financially abuse my kids regardless of their age.

Are you telling me that if any of your own kids found themselves in an abusive marriage you would not be angry at their treatment if they were being financially and emotionally abused regardless of whether they were in their 20s 30s or 40s

Yes I agree something needs to change and the only solution to finding emotional peace is for none of us to have anything to do with him. This is very unlikely to happen as I cannot see him letting go of the control he exerts over the kids. I can have absolutely nothing to do with him but I am not naive enough to think that this is ever going to stop.

Fast forward 3 years to dd graduation is this going to go smoothly - I doubt it - X is constantly telling Dd that any financial help he is giving her is coming from his and OW money as it is all joint - is he going to expect Dd to agree to OW being at this in the proviso that it was her money too supporting Dd - I can tell you know Dd will say no - but she will be made to feel guilty

Do any of you still have dealings with your Xs or do your kids

I know I have moved on - his actions do not devastate me as they once did - I see that he is unlikely to change - I see that the kids are learning to defend themselves more and they are willing to talk to me about it - early on they would completely shut down.

@NeedingAdvice29

that your children will hate you for this.

Is this a fact?

Do you hate your mother?

If my kids are old enough to have come to terms with the behaviour their father is displaying would you also say that they are old enough to know how they feel about me.

The general consensus I get on here is that they are old enough to know that they are being emotionally and financially abused.

When did you know this - was it when you got to 18 or was it only recently

Do you know that when you say “ you this and you that” it is very confrontational . I am the only person that has experienced my MH - I haven’t experienced yours or over 50s..

You know what really helped me doing yoga - do you do yoga - if you don’t you should! You will learn how to relax your mind and how to breathe. You will feel so much better for doing it. Nothing else really helps MH. Everything you have done will be wrong nothing will help you as much as yoga. You must try yoga - loads of people do it so they must all think the same as me! Do it Do it now not next week next month next year - you have to do it now - if you don’t you will not be helping your MH!

@Dorsetcamping

I am not sure what you hope to gain from writing these posts, the replies seem to anger you as much as your ex.

I am documenting what happens and how it makes me feel kids feel so I have a record - I thought my experience may also help others

You are right though - I have got over the anger re x - but the continual put downs on here from people who think they are helping is worse!

@SilverySurfer can you explain to me how calling this a “pity party” is meant to help me

It's obvious you have zero interest in finding any form of peace after the break up of your marriage and will continue to spit bile and venom for every perceived insult or act by your ex or his DP.

It’s obvious is it - how do know what else I have been doing ?

Spit vile & venom and these are words coming from someone who has found peace - fuck me!