My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

The people suggesting hobbies and travel, whilst well meaning must have skipped over these parts of the OP.

I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I feel for you ,but I think you may have fallen into the trap of looking for a "perfect man" i e good looking .charming .High Earner etc (often all go together!). At 35 you are not old by any means ,but can sometimes feel you need an "equal" or "Better" man to complete your dream family .Nothing in RL will equate to that sadly.Why not try a second or third date sometimes? you dont need to write them off straight away ,At least you can get to know them a bit more ,first dates are usually little more than pleasantries!.If you have issues from childhood ,these may be worth exploring some more ,but I think you probably feel lonely and although a family is desirable its also very hard work as Parent 999 pointed out!.Have you got room in your life for a little dog ?,they are such great company .If you work you could use Doggy Day Care?maybe .Hope it all works out for you .Sometimes Birthdays can be difficult for everyone as we take stock of our lives and what we might have done differently

Honestly there’s lots of different advice on here about dating, but there’s stuff in your first post that is much more serious than that. When you say you would rather not be here, are you having suicidal thoughts? You actually sound like you may have depression and be in need of treatment rather than dating advice. Have you tried speaking to your GP?

Hobbies, travel, volunteering, a pet are no replacement at the moment for the op.

Keep looking op

Ffs.
Men don't get told their "standards are too high"!
It's ok to not want to "settle".
Op...you've had some great advice.
I think your childhood neglect may be at the heart of your issues x

Some people may appear boring on a first date because they can't relax and be themselves. Likewise I find that someone might not be initially attractive to me but once I get to know them they grow on me. I just think 1st dates are a totally unnatural environment to judge someone on and you just need to get them out the way to have a better 2nd date.

It's not about having high standards / settling. It's about giving a man who seems nice more of a chance than just one date!

Your lovely parents who you adore and are spending your birthday with, are they the same people who neglected you as a child? Maybe they aren't a positive influence on your life now?

You have more advice than you can shake a stick at, for "finding a man"

The most important question is how do you see yourself as a mother? and your relationship with your child/children?

Apropos Dottiedodah - don't get a little dog unless you want a crash course in finding out what it would be like to have five hyperactive children. Get a big, laid back, floofy dog. I've met and chatted to more people when out with my big dog than I ever would alone.

With the terrier, I can only chat at a distance, whilst over the sound of ferocious barking.

And I'm not sure OP really wants to fill the void with pets anyway.

OP, this is my life too, though I'm 27 and I almost never make time for dates - my last was over a year ago! In my case, I'm currently getting in shape as I feel my poor body image and general out-of-shapeness makes me feel insecure about my body. I've noticed when men have showed interest in the past I've been slightly suspicious - why would they want to be with me, I'm not 'hot'. Consciously I know this is nonsense as plenty of my thinner friends are single and my fatter friends are in relationships, but as I only really have time for online dating, it feels like my weight makes a big (pardon the pun!) difference.

But like you, I really want the married-with-kids life as well, and yes, the struggles, the sleepless nights, all the good stuff and the pain. I want that. I don't want to be stuck in offices for the rest of my life wondering if there is life beyond spreadsheets. I can see three options that I would like to happen: a) the SAHM life, b) the work-from-home mum life writing my novels on the side or c) become an impressive fabulous single career woman with a job I really love. I'd settle for any of those options, as with Option C I'm not wholly averse to remaining single always but I know it is tough. I have friends who would make wonderful mothers who are in their 30s and 40s still hoping. But I also have one friend getting married in Sept who's in her mid-late thirties so there's that!

Dogs aren’t great if you work full time unless you want to pay for walkers. Going by info on here it’s expensive.

I'll probably get fried for this but are you definitely heterosexual OP?
I wondered this as well as I know several women who had a revelation in their mid 30s and are now happily together with other women. Some of them have started families.

Anyway, I am 42 and I am also on my own. I know where you are coming from. I've never had a burning desire for children but I would love to be in a long term relationship with someone. I have had two LTRs in the last decade but they didn't work out - for various reasons.
I think I'm slowly having to accept that maybe I am not meant to be with anyone - that I'm better off single.
But it's hard to accept. Romance, getting married, having a family and everything being perfect is pushed all the time on the media. It's got us all believing that is the goal in life and if you don't have it you are some kind of loser.

You sound thoroughly fed up and you have done all those things people tell single people to do (hobbies, volunteer, enjoy your me-time,partying, clubbing whatever). You could consider having a baby on your own if that is what you really want.

I know what you mean about the dates as well - others have said you are being fussy - but I think there's either a "click" there or there isn't. If you say you have been dating for over a year and these are online dates then it isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Maybe keep at it for a while and if there's someone who you think has the potential to be interesting maybe give a second date a chance. Or is it that you don't feel attracted to them at all - or even a little repulsed by them? You don't mention anything about sexual attraction - is that the issue or is it that they are boring.

You really do sound at the end of your tether with it all. Is it worth speaking to a GP about and maybe having some counselling.
I wish you all the best - it's a difficult situation to be in.

@Parent999

I'm not the stereotypical mumsnetter, I disagree with most of the shit people post on here, but you need to learn the definition of a 'joke'. Your post was pants no matter how honest your intentions. Just accept you made a bad call

Are you only dating people met through dating websites/apps? I think a good way to meet people is through just getting out there and doing a lot of stuff, talk to everyone there, and meeting a lot of people. It's a lot easier way to suss out who you like and who likes you than the artificiality of a 'date' - it is what I am doing now (and over a decade older than you).

Not sure I agree with all the people saying you need to give people you are not attracted to a second date. I used to do that when I was dating in my 20's - told myself maybe the guy was nervous - give him another chance. But I just ended up with more rubbish dates.

You've had relationships so it may just be that you haven't met someone you are attracted to on those dates and you may not be 'broken' relationally. Though saying you feel you need to 'fight' for a relationship may mean there is something you need to work on there. I don't agree that relationshiops need to be 'worked at' - if you are doing that you are probably just in a bad relationship. I wasted my youth (well 30's and early 40's) in such a marriage I should have bailed on much earlier.

Good luck OP

Parent999 you made me laugh too. There are two sides to the coin. I've been where OP is now. Didn't meet DH till I was 37, had DD at 40. Had all but given up looking. Didn't have online dating then either. Spent Christmases alone, parents had died. Siblings had their own lives. But I knew I had to take a chance when opportunities came along. Take that chance, go on a second date, who knows where it might lead.

I’d happily exchange all that freedom to be a mother as I’ve always felt was my purpose

It’s your right to choose whatever is best for you but as much as I try I can’t get my head around why anyone would sacrifice that life for children.

It’s a very different thing wanting these things ‘in your head’ to experiencing them month after month, year after year. Parents post was I think pretty accurate and I think a bit less woe is you is needed here From others. You do have options , you are clearly intelligent and self aware and basically haven’t got the package you are after because you have made choices along the way to not give people a chance if they don’t instantly wow/impress and clearly get bored easily. Family life can be incredibly boring a lot of the time. I have a friend who is always bemoaning her lot, that’s because she is holding out for a rich creative type who loves kids , is kind and looks like a young Brad Pitt even though she’s 44. On a practical front decide what’s the most important at the moment a partner or children. If itschildren,why not try fostering for a while , ? See if it’s what you really want. A friend of mine has done this with 6 and 8 year olds and is now about to adopt. She is in her late30s and was left on her own after a childless relationship. What she has realised is the child aspect matters to her, the partner aspect not so much so.

@Broken2019

I hear you. I was in your position at 35.

The turning point getting a hobby I really enjoyed and then following a friend’s advice to go on at least five dates before deciding someone wasn’t right for me.

Met DP at 37 and it was the slowest burner ever ... didn’t even live together until we were well into our 40s! Although too late to have biological children, we went on to adopt two wonderful babies. I’ve had to give up my career (now work pt in a less stressful position) but it doesn’t bother me as I had chance to achieve what I wanted to in my 30s and 20s.

I suspect, like it did me, hitting 35 (ie heading towards 40) has put you into panic mode. You still have tons of time to achieve what you’re wanting and, believe me, there are tons of positives with not meeting Mr Right til later in life.

There is a reason the happiest people are unmarried, childfree women.

The main reason being, it's a myth.
Chapter and verse:
twitter.com/graykimbrough/status/1137088218661314560

Or on Radio 4, More or Less.

Op, like a few others on here, I had totally written my now DH out of the "dateable" category and into the "good friend" category. We were part of the same friendship circle for almost two years before we kissed. We have now been together for ten years, he is my "soul mate" if you believe in those things. My best friend and a brilliant father and the opposite of what I thought I wanted!

Maybe set a two date rule? Everyone gets two dates and try to change what you do on the dates? So not just boring coffees / meals but fun stuff where your respective personalities can come out a bit?

Also, would you consider fostering in the short term? So meaningful.

OP, you sound as though you are tipping into depression so may be worth seeing your GP. It is fine to seek something else in your life, whether it be a family or a career or a general lifestyle change, but it is not normal to 'not want to be here'. You have plenty of time to meet someone special and there are other options, as other posters have pointed out, if you want a child.

I hated/hate being told I am being 'picky'. Its about finding a connection with someone.

I have been where you are, and at 35 I decided to go and get councelling, it has changed my outlook completely. You will find that your childhood is part of you, it shapes who you are and you will need to unpick that. Perhaps you put up barriers unconsciously, there are loads of things that could come into play. Your money would be well spent here.

Please do this.

So you have any hobbies or anything? While counselling etc sounds like a great plan, I’m wondering if you genuinely don’t have much in common with the men you are meeting. I went in lots of dates when I was younger, and always felt a bit bored, disconnected and I attracted. I met my now DH through a mutual hobby. I wasn’t initially attracted to him, but we connected over our passion and spent a lot of time, pre-children, sharing our interest. We became more attracted etc through this.

Maybe if you there is something you enjoy, and could do at a social level, it would be worth a try.

OP would have to give up her job to foster as a single person. It’s an excellent suggestion but maybe not practical for her. She’s also not said whether she has a desire to look after children with complex needs either emotional or physical or both.

Honestly OP, have therapy for a while alongside being a bit more open minded with dating.

If you plan to become a mother alone via sperm donor, adoption or fostering therapy is absolutely vital in your case. I speak from experience!

You were emotionally neglected and can’t see the damage that has done. You need to make sense of it before you raise a child yourself.