My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

Sorry but I am laughing at 'you could afford a nice teacher or artist'

OP, I'm sorry you feel so alone. I don't have any wisdom for you but I wish you luck

I'll probably get fried for this but are you definitely heterosexual OP?

I have a family member (female) who, at the age of 38 (and could have written your posts) realised from an encounter at a party, that she is in fact gay. It was like a light had come on in her life. She is now married to her gay partner and her life is brilliant.

Op I’m going to stick my neck out here and suggest that maybe you don’t need counselling, you just haven’t met the right guy yet 🤷🏼‍♀️. I too have issues surrounding emotional attachment, but when I met dh it just all slotted into place somehow. If I were to find myself single again, I’m not sure if I would meet anyone for ages because I’m very choosy. The idea of internet dating would not appeal at all, as like you I quite like the idea of the ‘struggle’ ITKWIM... internet dating is all too set up somehow.

Sorry, not sure if that’s much help. I do wish you well. Please don’t beat yourself up by blaming yourself... most relationships happen through luck and chance, there isn’t anymore to analyse than that.

Parent999 It amused me too. Not sure why “answers” all have to be serious and sympathetic to be helpful.

I think it’s about identifying what you want. I think children sound like part of your life plan. it’s just like anything worthwhile it takes time. At the risk of sounding a bit woo I think life throws things your way once you have some focus. Let go of the details and stay focused on what you want to achieve.

@Parent999 I laughed too.

Lots of good advice on this thread for OP. So a bit of obvious tongue-in-cheek humour is good too IMO.

OP, I second all those who have recommended psychotherapy. I think it could help you alot with finding meaning (or solace) in your current situation, and developing your partner-type relationships. Understanding and caring for your 'inner-child' is also very useful preparation for becoming a parent. So if you find a good therapist for you, it will be money well-spent.

Actually with @Parent999 on this one 1.Take one Peppa pig yogurt and spill it on the back seat of your fancy car. 2. Buy anything expensive and then break it immediately with a football. 3. Stay up all night before going to work. 4. Ensure a jam stain on work clothes. 5. Try to have sex but then stop because someone in the next room has "too much air" in their room. 6. Throw your money out the window. Then come back and post again, we'll chat

I think the idea of children is nice to most people (not me I’d rather die) but in reality they are truly terrible, freedom killers!! There is a reason the happiest people are unmarried, childfree women.

You’re 35, there is plenty of time to meet someone special.

I’d strongly consider giving the kids a miss though!

How many threads is this now? There are things you could do, try, change that might get you closer to something resembling what you want but you’re not entitled to this utopia that you think being a ‘family’ is.

You’ve identified behaviour which is an obstacle to what you want, what are you doing to work on this?

You seem to be stuck in a cycle of ‘I want’, a perfect husband and perfect children might not be on the cards for you. Then what? You have many years ahead of you and choosing to stay stuck, will rob you of what future is available to you.

No one has it all and the grass isn’t always greener.

My auntie was single, the only man she wanted to settle down with had already been married and had a horrid EW (wouldn't let him see his DS for birthdays/Christmas etc) she he didn't want to marry again. They broke up and we all thought that was it for her.

Nope, she was coming up on 40 and still wanted a child, so she went out and got pregnant (consensual on his side with the agreement that he was only the sperm donor). She now has a lovely DD and feels her life is complete.

You don't need to have a partner to have a child these days, so if you really want a child, and you have the money to raise one alone, then go for it!!!

I’m going to suggest that you put the counselling idea on hold for now and try treating dates like a joke (in a good way). Everybody knows that first dates are ludicrous. They are like a bizarre interview with wine. If you take them less seriously you may be more inclined to risk a second one?

This isn’t a ‘you’re too picky so it’s your own fault’ message, by the way. I was you 12 years ago, aged 35 (although I had not reached the ‘empty and longing for children’ stage, I was thinking, how many evenings out with the girls in my Jimmy sodding Choos can I do before I get bored?).

I wasn’t that bothered about my now husband after our first date but I agreed to the second because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I thought, what the hell, if he’s still boring and earnest at least I can laugh about it with my friends afterwards. By the second date he had relaxed and I had a lovely time with him.

I truly wish you the best. Don’t settle, but try being lighter hearted and see what happens.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting children many do and many who can’t find it soul destroying. Those feelings are real.

The artist and teacher thing was funny though

Broken - what turns you on? Are you dating the sort of people you 'think' you should be with rather than someone who challenges and excites you? I spent most of my twenties and thirties where you are now (minus wanting the children, never on my agenda) and my god, it's soul destroying. I finally got up the courage to explore a very well hidden interest in BDSM and my 40's were....spectacular!!! Not saying this is right for you but there must be something that pushes your buttons. You need to be honest with yourself.

There is a reason the happiest people are unmarried, childfree women.

And yet OP and I, both feel like we’d rather die than going on being unmarried and childfree. It’s not one size fits all. I’ve worked with 1000s of children and been an Auntie and Godmother to a good few children so I’m not naive about what childcare is like. I’d happily exchange all that freedom to be a mother as I’ve always felt was my purpose. The OP doesn’t sound like she ever wanted or intended to be child free either and the pair of us have had 35 years to get used to the idea.

I had the perfect single life, then I met my DH out of the blue at 35 and now at 41 our baby due next month.
Don't give up on it! But you do need to change your approach to dating and give people a chance. I knew my DH was the one pretty fast but it still took 3 dates!

I screenshot and sent to my DH Parent's post, the bit about the stopping sex because the person in the next room has too much air in their room resonates with us and made us laugh.
OP maybe subconsciously you aren't ready to meet someone yet and that's why you haven't taken it further with anyone? Though it is possible none of those men were right for you. I would keep on with online dating but not meet so many men, I'd chat for a while first and build up a bit of a connection before meeting.

Did you post another thread about this recently OP? Not that there’s anything wrong with that I’m just thinking this is really getting to you now ,if you did.

You haven't answered what happened to end your previous relationships, OP. That might be the key - did you get so badly hurt that you never want to replicate that situation again (however subconsciously)? Or did you get bored and walk away?

And a lot of first dates are 'boring', what about offering a second date that gives no chance to be 'bored' - skydiving (the ones on the ground) or something very physically active, that means you might get less chance to chat, but lots of opportunity to bond?

Also beware your man-checklist. The trouble with men who are driven and ambitious and good earners is that they tend to make neglectful partners and leave you raising the children. Which you might think you wouldn't mind, but in the moment it's not great. Maybe you could go over your list of attributes and just look at the negatives - it might broaden your mind towards potential partners.

There’s a thread on here about someone marrying a man and having children, she’s honest in saying settling for someone she wasn’t really romantically interested in was a pragmatic decision. Time wasn’t on her side.

I am 47 years old single parent. The on off relationship with DD’s father ended in DV and he made the decision to terminate contact with her. Is this the life envisioned, absolutely not but it is the life I have and my non perfect life is more than good enough.

@Broken2019 Do NOT see anyone for a 2nd date who doesn't do it for you. I am shocked at so many posters who say this

I think most of us have a pretty good idea if someone does it for us by the end of one date. If it's 50-50, see them again. But if you are really turned off, don't waste your time trying to like someone.

What I want to know is

• how many dates are you going on? It's a numbers game. I had a friend who did online dating and saw 4 men for a coffee within one weekend. (Eventually she did marry someone she met online.)

• if you are only having one date a month or so, it could take a very long time to meet someone.

• if you are not reading their online profiles correctly you might end up wasting time seing men who are not your type.

-Do you have chats etc before you meet them?

-Is your online profile accurate- are you selling yourself and creating a profile that excludes men who aren't your type?

In other words, are you filtering the men out right at the start who may not be your type?

I just wonder if you end up on dates with men who are never going to be your type.

Are you using 'good' dating sites- ie ones where you pay rather than free ones which can be full of people who just want a shag?

Have you done all the usual stuff like joining clubs and doing things where men are likely to hang out?

Does your work throw up any sort of social life?

Just things to think about.

Don't mind the haters on here OP some people should just scroll past instead writing response's if they are not going to say anything helpful, I hear you loud and clear, I was just like you at 35, I accidentally got pregnant when I was in Peru at 36, but wanted a family like you do, but knew I couldn't have that with the father but went ahead because of my age and that I wanted a child.
I was 45 on my last birthday, still single but am a single mum now, my son will be 9 this year, I've no help from anyone as I'm a only child and my parents live in Ireland, so I can't date.
But this post is about you not me, I think counselling is a good idea to see why you can't find someone, also try dating in a different way, are you Internet dating?.. And is it on "hook-up" sites like Tinder or more relationship orientated sites like match.com? And look up domino dating, where you dates are no more than 90 mins long, so hopefully you won't get bored and write them off straight away before you give them a chance.
Hold on in there, you never know what's around the corner, take care of yourself

I get you OP. I'm younger but for some reason all my friends have settled down really young so it feels like I'm behind.

I'm 27, have a job I love, earn a bucket load of money, own my home in London. I'm fun, attractive (though overweight) and have a lovely life.

Except I never date - never get asked or meet anyone I like. No idea how you're supposed to like someone enough to commit to spending that much time together in the long run. I feel like I missed the secret everyone else got told.

I don't even know if I really care about the marriage or the kids, but I want a homelife, and the world is geared to couples and families so actually it makes enjoying your carefree single llife really, really hard!

I can 100% sympathise with you, and you express yourself so beautifully and eloquently. I am not in your situation, but as the others have said here I often feel desolate and I am doing everything wrong too. But this feeling is offset by looking at my children and my marriage, there is no doubt.

Perhaps you are living too much of an exterior life, and not enough of an interior one. This is not meant as a criticism, but when you listed the good things about your life I noticed they all (apart from your parents) were things outside of yourself. Perhaps it would help to find things within yourself that you value and develop them. The first step in changing a situation is recognising that you have taken a wrong path, and changing it. This takes enormous courage, but maybe you should consider a dramatic change of some kind, life's a game so maybe start playing a bit. When I feel terrible and lost I listen to particular recording from the 60s of Alan Watts reading his philosophy on life and music. You'll find it easily on google. It's all about living your life as if it were a piece of music, trying to find the beauty in it. I wish you every success in the future.

I wouldn't recommend going on second dates you find unattractive or boring, that will just become even more soul-destroying. Make sure you find a bit of a spark or attraction before you meet them, so you are looking forward to the date. Chat on the phone a bit first to see if you share a sense of humour or if they have something interesting to say for themselves, then decide whether to meet up.

Also, I know several high-flying women who have decided to have children by themselves and I think this option should be seriously considered before you try to start a relationship with someone you already find boring.

I am around your age OP, met my DP a year ago. Was in a shitty relationship all through my 20's and never thought I would find someone again

I am going to be brutally honest though. Your standards are too high. You are giving guys one date to prove to you they are The One? Why? If you want to find someone you need to give people more of a chance

If you cannot do that, have a baby by yourself - you have the money by the sound of things

You need t take yourself out of your comfort zone....do some daring things.....go on holiday by yourself somewhere interesting.....somewhere that maybe encompasses something you enjoy....go and stay with a family in Greece and work in the kitchen, go to Spain pick oranges. You have become bored with yourself. Look up working holidays abroad....loads of choice....take the plunge....it worked for me x.

@JinglingHellsBells I'd never suggest that - but my own experience was that it took 3 dates for me to know that my now DH was the one.
I liked him on the first date, I was interested to see him again but the fireworks took 3 dates.
Dismissing someone on date 1 if they don't send your pulse racing can be a mistake - I spent a lifetime shagging men that I had a huge physical attraction to immediately. They all ended in tears - with my DH I got to know him first and then a much slower burn developed with a very different sort of love.

But yes obviously - if there is no attraction at all don't waste time on repeat dates. But there doesn't need to be fireworks in the first few hours either.