My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

Your feeling don’t have to have anything to do with your childhood. You sound in a rut so it wouldn’t hurt and could really help to see someone to talk things through.
You don’t seem to find value in who you are and what you do. Maybe you should do something completely radical - go off and travel the world or get involved in building school in South America or some such. Take you out of yourself. You may or may not meet the man of your dreams but you will discover more about yourself and your place in this world, which doesn’t necessarily mean having a husband and kids.

As a child I was left alone emotionally and sometimes physically left alone

Yes this totally relevant. You became emotionally self reliant. If you dont need someone else what do you want them for? If you dont neeeed somsone else other people abd there problems and complications can make them seem very boring and unattractive very quickly

I don't know why people are asking why you're not going on a second date, you just don't like them. I hope you find someone soon, I am sure what you are feeling is normal,you don't need psychotherapy, you just need a man!

I am same age and alone but have two kids.

I’m not sure why I don’t want a second date. I have an obsession with security I think so anyone who seems like they aren’t dedicated to their job is written off, as is someone who says they want to ‘get smashed’ together... i absolutely can take a joke (honest!) and I love comedy and definitely am always said to have a sense of humour but if I am honest with myself and with you posters, I suppose overall i take life quite seriously. Rather ironically I’m not at all after a fairytale romance, just someone I love and can face life with together, however tough it is.

One thing that may be relevant is that I am always much much more engaged in a relationship when I feel I have to fight for it...almost like there’s proof we are right if we’ve had a hard time (that can be something unrelated to me and them and an outside factor such an an unwell parent or distance or something else where I’ve had to step up to the plate a little...) god do I sound crazy? :(

I did not fancy my now DH on our first meeting. I instantly gave him 'good friend' status. But as I got to know him the attraction grew and after a year and a half of friendship we became a couple. The best foundation ever.
You are still young OP.
I know people in their early 40s who still think they have lots of time!

I also question whether I need counselling or whether I have just not met the right man?

Obviously I’ve been on second dates before as I’ve had two serious relationships. I am able to do it but I suppose it is unusual to have not gone on a second date with around 20 people I’ve met this year.

I get the suggestions about going out to Africa etc and I appreciate the posts but the point of why I am feeling this way is that I’ve done these things. Over and over. I’m so bored of it.

Ah Broken I totally understand what you’re talking about. What do your friends say about it?

If you’re doing online dating I recommend writing a profile which puts across more of your real personality - rather than making yourself “generally acceptable” which I think leads to poor matches. Have you tried Hinge? It’s got a couple of the long term single people I know lovely partners recently.

But meanwhile, you are still young and have lots to offer. Please don’t leave because you may be missing out on something wonderful round the next corner x

I get it, I do. I’ve been there. I eventually got married and had DD in my forties. The plus side is that I’m established in my career and have been able to freelance at decent money allowing me more flexibility with my DD. No it’s not how I thought my life would go and there we times I felt incredibly lonely and wondered if I’d very find the right person for me.

What I did do was make sure I was dating but also having down time too - let’s be honest, dating can be really emotionally wearing especially when you’re just not clicking with people. Take some time to think what you would like beyond being in a relationship. Is there a new challenge to try - something you’ve just not round to trying to meet someone a sport? A hobby? A course? Something that’s not related to trying to find the one.

But above all be kind to yourself.

Only on MN can I make such an obvious joke and still offend someone.

Ok OP Im sorry to make fun, clearly this is serious.

But surely you must understand that this is completely within your control, you just need to think outside the box. Say yes to someone you wouldnt normally consider, expand your social group. Maybe even consider lone parenting somehow. Consider someone who already has children? It might not look like your ideal situation but who has one of those?
You can make it happen if you want it bad enough.

Is that better Mumsnetters?

How did your previous relationships end? I think you have some issues which are preventing you from going for a second date. You should make a rule that you will date everyone at least 3 times before you decide whether to continue seeing them. (unless they turn out to be an axe murderer) first dates are not a true representation of most people. You need counselling/therapy and you need to stop trying to control everything so tightly. The family you will end up with might not look exactly like the one you imagined.

I also question whether I need counselling or whether I have just not met the right man?

Do you think someone has to need counselling before they get it? Or that having it when you don't need it is somehow harmful?

If you are seriously so unhappy, and you have a good salary so can afford it, why don't you just try it and see? Surely you have nothing to lose?

Honestly though, you don't know someone after one date - you need to give these people a bit more time before you write them off...

I think counselling actually works best in these circumstances than when your trying to fix everything or you dont know what you want to fix.

If you come out saying "no its not my previous issues i just havent met the one" that's a win. But if you come put with a better awareness that "yes elements my past are impacting on me but i can deal with that" that's a win too.

But i would be looking at very specific very goal driven counselling

And if you desperately want a child do consider doing it alone. Many women do it all alone anyway (even those in seemingly happy marriages)

Joke? There was nothing even remotely amusing in your post. It was just hurtful and very very smug.
Look at the title of the thread? How is a joke (even if there was one) even appropriate?
@Parent999

No, you don’t sound crazy but it does sound a lot like an attachment issue. Are you saying you feel love has to be earned? That just being loved for who you are is boring/uncomfortable? Do you find yourself more attracted to people who aren’t attracted to you than those that aren’t?

Someone gave me the advice of writing down 3 must haves and 3 deal breakers about a potential boyfriend. If they have the first 3 and don’t do any of the deal breaking stuff, just keep dating and see where it goes. Certainly try and get beyond date 2. It’s not a list like “must be over 6ft, earn 100k per year and have a six pack” - but I’m sure you would have realised that (just pointing out because I know what MN can be like). It’s more “must treat me and others with respect and kindness, compatible sense of humour, good work ethic”.

I wouldn’t like the men you described either! Some of it is probably you doing a great job of filtering out bad choices and some of it may be avoiding the possibility of something real with a decent guy. I think almost everyone has loads of unsuitable matches with dating apps and websites - it’s not just you!

@Broken2019

I could have written your post.

I'm 40, single, had long term relationships and hated them. I like the idea of going on a date, but just the one is enough. I find them boring.

The house, job, salary, holidays, do what I want whenever etc etc all the same as you. I would love the family, marriage, children life.....but then on the other hand I would probably hate it too. Maybe because I've got used to my lifestyle now.

I know if I want those family things I need to make some serious decisions and one is to leave this 'single' carefree life behind. It's a scary thought!

I think counselling sounds like a good idea.

I also think that, to find the right person, you need to invest some time and effort into the process. Have you thought about joining classes in something you really enjoy, and seeing if you meet someone with similar interests there? I think there's too much instrumental emphasis on a kind of superficial connection/financial partnership with marriage and dating, and too little on really finding someone who is attuned to you at a really deep level.

Op, sounds like counselling would be a good start for you. Can you afford to go private?
You're (almost 35) so still young and still have time to find the life you crave

OP.

There's some good advice on here (and a particularly unhelpful poster - but every MN thread has at least one of those).

I think you need to get to the bottom of whether there's any avoidance on your part or just that you've been unlucky with the dates you've had (as many friends of mine have said, "with OLD you have to kiss a lot of frogs"). The good news is the two can be addressed in parallel. Keep dating (and maybe tell yourself that anyone who isn't making you actively want to gnaw your own arm off to escape from the situation should get a second date to see if any of them grow on you), but at the same time go for some counselling to see if you have any issues that might be standing in the way of forming attachments. (Though as you say, you've had a couple of long term relationships, so run of bad luck in OLD could well be the reason).

Also (and maybe this could be explored with counselling), have a think about contingency plans and timescales for these. Perhaps "another year of OLD, then I'll try adoption/sperm donation" if you think single parenthood might be for you. (I'm a single parent, and it's tough but rewarding, and did take away that horrible existential angst of my mid-thirties, the "going to die alone surrounded by cats Bridget Jones style" angst).

Op, you remind me of the old Groucho Marx quote “I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member!”
You are repeatedly self sabotaging when it comes to relationships. I second the PPs who recommend you see a counsellor about your issue with emotional attachment.
And I think your childhood emotional neglect is totally relevant.
As for dates- unless there are red flags and you suspect the chap is potentially abusive, I’d force yourself to try some second dates. Think of it as a second house viewing. The chap (and you) will probably be more relaxed, less nervous and trying to impress, more like your natural selves. Don’t invest the date with huge baggage and “potential husband” vetting, just aim for an enjoyable evening and see how you get on.

What were your exes like?

I would think again about your “security” thing with dates if that means they have to be high achieving, highly paid, ambitious people like you. It sounds like you are pretty secure already, now. You could afford a nice teacher or an artist and it might be more fun?

I’ll come back later and write more, but have a look at the links between childhood abuse/neglect and relationship drama. The fact that you prefer relationships that you have to fight for, and find a lot of the men you date boring, indicates that for you, you haven’t been modelled in childhood that relationships are calm and pain free. Your model is that relationships are difficult and painful. That’s (unconsciously) what you are seeking. Consciously, you won’t think it’s what you want. But we seek what is familiar, even if it’s painful.

Counselling would be a great idea. Tell them you need to work brought some attachment issues. Or do your own attachment quiz online and see what that brings up.

It sounds as if you’re longing for a family more than to fall in love? Maybe that’s the part of you that felt isolated in the family group as a child, that longed then for a sense of big chaotic connected togetherness.

But regardless of that you can meet someone. Keep dating and maybe start therapy again - it can only help. Just keep on: don’t give up on what you truly want. Don’t give up on yourself.

I remember feeling utterly miserable spending another Christmas with my married sibling and parent, so alone, wondering when my loneliness would end - two months later I met DH. I was in my thirties.

I hear you. It hurts. But hang on in there

It's in your hands to make a change OP, there are so many ways you can adjust your current situation to make it more likely to meet someone and have the family you want. I also think seeing a therapist would be a good idea, it sounds like you have quite negative thinking around this subject and that can definitely hold you back.