My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

If they're halfway normal, force yourself to go on 2nd and 3rd dates.

Try to just make it about having a nice time doing things with a guy; making a friend. It should take the pressure off.

You really can't know from a first date, unless they are just terrible rude weirdos with poor hygiene.

I felt exactly like that (apart from actually being married) at 28. I'd done enough young free and single things, was qualified in my job, fit and healthy, we had a 3 bed house and it felt like we we and the cat were rattling round in it and it was too quiet, DH 4 years older as well, and after that we then had two DDs, which was indeed the right thing to do!

Honestly at 35, if I found myself in your position and still really wanted children I'd not mess about and go down the sperm donor route, as long as you can afford childcare and so on. Much better than rushing into a relationship with someone probably unsuitable just for the sake of having a baby.

Dating is also really hard, I decided to step back from that and go out more locally to meet friends. I did a bit of dating as well but have found myself falling for a friend I have made. Sometimes meeting people via apps isn't the way forward for everyone - I find i have to build up a friendship first.

I don't think you should give those tossers you've dated a second chance, but I do think you need to think about whether some guys are nervous on the date because they know you've summed them up and they've lost. That really wouldn't bring out the best in anyone.

Instead of going on dates at night, why not suggest dates that involve some sort of activity in the day time? You see people more as themselves, then.

Are you joining things where people have to attend several times, so that you can get to know them in a non-date like atmosphere? Whereabouts are you and what are your interests? Could you join a running club with a view to running a marathon, so that you have something in common with other people without the pressure of dating?

it is easy to say that when you have a child...

Yep. It was an awful response.

I've been in your situation and disagree that you should force yourself to go on further dates with people who you don't feel a spark with. I think the best thing is to just keep doing first dates until you meet someone who you actually want to see again. You can't force feelings for people.

Keep dating and if you have a date with a bloke who isn't a cunt and wants to see you again, go on a second date!

No one I know who has wanted to find a partner has ended up alone even those who took a bit longer to meet someone.

I loved single life it was so much fun and stress free. Relationships and marriage are hard - the grass isn’t greener. Enjoy it. There must be things you want to do in life other than work and marriage etc.

I hear you, OP.

I am a lone parent. I'm on my second round of it now and, after 7 yrs and with a 20 yr old and a teen, I don't see it ever changing.

Obviously, I have the children and can honestly say that doing it alone has been far more rewarding, enjoyable, fun and, if I'm honest, easier, than doing it with a partner.

Is this something you would consider? Going it alone?

Are your hobbies the sort through which you could meet someone? If not, I have some suggestions...

I agree with the others though that some counselling might be in order in order to unpick and process some of your childhood stuff that means you are in an emotional/mental position to have a relationship.

I had a friend a few years ago who described herself very much as you do. Then something fairly minor happened to her and she fell apart which prompted her to go for therapy. The stuff that came out during therapy helped her immensely but also made her realise that some of her previous 'independence' had been a barrier she'd set up to keep men away despite craving a loving relationship almost more than anything.

Worth considering maybe?

' The stuff that came out during therapy helped her immensely but also made her realise that some of her previous 'independence' had been a barrier she'd set up to keep men away despite craving a loving relationship almost more than anything.'

This was me.

All the stuff that people say - stays say you’re the happiest, family is hard work, enjoy it is no help to the op. She wants a family and that’s fine.

You sound highly disconnected from other people. You cannot have a relationship if you go off people after one evening... also that's highly abnormal. Also, you sound like you just want things handed to you on a plate and never work at them.
Relationships are difficult. People are difficult.It's not about choosing fucking wallpaper, it's about love, commitment and sheer bloody hard work. Not a box you tick because others have it.
Get some counselling and make some friends too.

I felt like that once at around your age. It also takes a lot for me to find someone interesting although I do well at engaging. I met my husband at 36. Started out disliking him but we eventually developed a friendship that turn into love.

Don't give up on yourself. Your break through is just round the corner. It will happen for you just relax. I know your feeling of despair but it can get better if you are open and willing to consider even those you initially think are not your type.

Good luck. Xx

OP, if you really want a family--have your own child. It's not the familial ideal and can be bloody hard but it can be fulfilling.
It will shift the focus from your own life, needs and wants to the needs and wants of a child.
You seem financially secure and independent--I've no doubt you'd be able to manage.

Finding someone who is committed to their career, yet wants a family and is fun, is a tall order.

No it isn't. It's fairly normal.

OP, I agree with previous posts - psychotherapy would definitely be very helpful. Best of luck.

I never want a second date because I’m either not massively attracted to them or they become boring (in my eyes) by the end of the evening. There doesn’t seem to be further scope for conversation I guess. I don’t know, maybe I should try and push through that

I think it's possible you aren't giving people enough of a chance. It's hard to get past the awkward small talk of a first date. If there is some attraction there and you like them well enough, try going on a couple more dates with them. If there's still no connection after 3 you'll know not to bother, but I think after 1 it's premature.

Yanbu to feel the way you feel - it's hard to yearn for something.

Also, I don't think you should go on second dates if you don't feel like it. But therapy might help you to see whether on some level you are sabotaging yourself.

*' The stuff that came out during therapy helped her immensely but also made her realise that some of her previous 'independence' had been a barrier she'd set up to keep men away despite craving a loving relationship almost more than anything.'

This was me.*

And me. Mainly due to the attachment trauma and emotional neglect. You realise at a very young age that the only person you can depend on is yourself and then as an adult you become stuck in that trap.

It’s still very hard for me to accept love and support. I’m great at giving, looking after, being responsible but crap at asking for help, accepting support or love. I’m getting there though.

It’s extremely common for people with attachment problems to find early dates impossible to navigate. I’d agree with the five dates thing with someone who initially feels “meh” (but is decent and normal) but only because the times I’ve developed a genuine connection/fallen in love its been through initial friendship. If I’d met any of these guys online or been set up I’d never have wanted a second date with them. Through therapy, I know it’s to do with my attachment trauma. I don’t know what I feel for someone initially. It’s awful if I am not feeling anything and they seem really into me - I feel guilty, pressurised and like I just want the hell out of there. It’s just all too much too soon. With the guy friends I’ve fallen for, it’s been a gradual thing and then all of a sudden (usually about 6 months in!) I’ve felt a “Oh, there it is” and realised that I do want to be with him. Dating doesn’t really work for me. Getting to know men very slowly over time through hobbies, work, studying definitely does.

Also agree with not giving people who have bored you on the first date a second chance. I did a couple of times and they got more boring. I'm quite capable of holding a conversation and keeping one going with someone who isn't great at it by asking lots of questions, seeming interested etc... but I think I did that a bit too much and was exhausted by the end of the date and couldn't face another one. Would that be anything like you? If so, maybe let the awkwardness be a little more obvious and put the onus on them to make conversation, ask the questions etc. They might surprise you.

Iv not read the full thread but I don't think Iv missed any of your posts.

Have you taken a step back and thought what it is you actually want rather than what you think you're missing or just assuming that it is the traditional family picture, which if that is what you want then great.

There are a myriad of options (not just relationships and kids but new careers or new countries) out there but that is hard to see when we are looking in at our own lives with all the fear and emotions that brings rather than thinking about human life in the abstract.

If it's kids rather than a relationship some women now go it alone with donated sperm. It's a big decision but for some it's the right one.

It's very hard to on a forum with so little information because it's only a snapshot.

I do think talking to someone in real life, someone who you can explore the whole picture with would be helpful. It is very hard to see things clearly with only your own interpretation so having a professional to explore things with can help you to sweep away some of the dust. Help you to decide what you really want and find a plan to go for it.

I for example thought It was a given that I would as all women before me would get married and have kids but the reality of my life is a good 16 year relationship and no marriage with a man (who would not have been in my "marriage material" list) who has children but none of my own and not good enough health to think it's an option now.
My reality is entirely different to the picture I thought my life would be but I'm happy with it.

So what about doing something positive and make an appointment at a fertility clinic? You don't need to follow anything up if you choose not to do so but could first establish if you are healthy and appear to be fertile ( I've got a friend doing just that atm and she has no partner)
I think there is often too much emphasis on getting 'the man', you may be a person who doesn't need one to feel complete but you may actually want to experience motherhood. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

I could have written your post when I was in my early 30s OP. I was attractive enough, had a great job and lots of hobbies, but couldn't meet Mr Right.

When I had my first date with now DH, he seemed like a nice bloke but didn't seem like much of a spark. We went on a second because he actually asked me there and then, second date was fun but only when he kissed me at the end did I sense some sparks. Then - and I've never told DH this - he was out of the country for work for a couple of weeks, and that's what actually made me reflect and think that yes I did actually really quite like him.

It's good that you have high standards OP and ultimately you only need to meet one right person. I'd challenge yourself to go on a few more second dates if it's more that you don't fancy them rather than any obvious flaw. Ironically DH turned out to have some mutual friends, but we both sat it's really good we met when we were a bit older as when younger we were both quite superficial.

I'd also see if you can make any lower level emotional connections- walk some rescue dogs at the weekend, or arrange to go out with friends. Sounds wishy washy but I think you have to be open to emotions to let them happen.

How about having a baby on your own? I loved being a single mum and a friend has just had a baby on her own aged 40. If live comes along fine but you will always have your children. They make life so special.
I've chosen to live alone but simply would not be without my son.

'
It’s extremely common for people with attachment problems to find early dates impossible to navigate. I’d agree with the five dates thing with someone who initially feels “meh” (but is decent and normal) but only because the times I’ve developed a genuine connection/fallen in love its been through initial friendship. If I’d met any of these guys online or been set up I’d never have wanted a second date with them. Through therapy, I know it’s to do with my attachment trauma. I don’t know what I feel for someone initially. It’s awful if I am not feeling anything and they seem really into me - I feel guilty, pressurised and like I just want the hell out of there. It’s just all too much too soon. With the guy friends I’ve fallen for, it’s been a gradual thing and then all of a sudden (usually about 6 months in!) I’ve felt a “Oh, there it is” and realised that I do want to be with him. Dating doesn’t really work for me. Getting to know men very slowly over time through hobbies, work, studying definitely does.'

You said this far more eloquently than I did, but yes. I agree on every front. I began to study counselling which helped me. Having an interest, focusing on myself and also letting myself open up to others really helped.