My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

I second psychotherapy. Within a year I went from long term single to living with a guy and a bun in the oven. All after I started a course of psychotherapy.

Parent999 that’s not helpful to the op is it

It’s normal to feel as you do and it sounds hard so you are not wrong to want change. But try not to dismiss your dates too easily. I guess the best way in is attraction. Do you find any attractive?

Maybe ask for a second date. I find it's impossible to really know someone after just one date. I didnt like this man after one date, i met him a couple more times and he grew on me. I married him amd we've been together now for 19 years. Maybe three dates let you see who they are a little better. You don't have to spend money. Just meet up for a walk around a park. Look around the shops. Go for a picnic. I think you 'll meet someone within the next year. Good luck.

OP, you can’t make a decision on the basis of a first date. Honestly, my DH I thought was entirely unsuitable and I could never have a relationship with him because when we first met he was like a man-child and very silly. But when I got to know him better, I realised he was more than a comedy act and wasn’t really a man-child- he could be serious as/when appropriate.

Love at first sight is either a myth or so rare it might as well be a myth.

I’m not saying you should date every man who is interested more than once, but rather if there was nothing worse than boring to get to know them better before making a decision. And there is no need to sleep with them to do this either. In fact, not jumping into bed weeds out the ones who are just on a mission to do that before moving on to the next woman.

Urgh I do not miss the world of dating! Somehow other people seemed to be so much better at it than me! After I decided to be proactive about meeting someone in my early 30s it took a good year of accepting every invitation from friends, going to events by myself and signing up to various OLD sites/apps before I met someone I was intrigued by enough to go on a second date with (and reader, I married him). And tbf in that time no one asked me on a second date! You’re doing better than me in terms of volume too.

I would say either you accept that it’s a somewhat soul-destroying numbers game and plough on (maybe take a break from OLD for a month to reset first) with lots of one-offs or you do some soul searching as to why none of your previous dates have warranted further contact and perhaps be more open to giving someone a second airing?

Good luck

I think your standards are too high? Give the boring guys a chance, maybe a few ‘slackers’ too... being in a bad relationship can be worse than being single, but at least go on some second dates even if you’re not ‘feeling’ it.

Also "love at first sight" often turns out to be limerence, which isn't a healthy psychological state to be in!

The other thing counselling might help you with is acceptance. Not everyone can be fixed. Quite a lot of the stuff mentioned in this thread (emotional avoidance, an engrained belief from childhood that only the relationships you have to struggle to get are worth having, and that anything else is boring) are things I now (belatedly) recognise in myself - but in my mid fifties, and as a single parent (I could form relationships but they generally didn't last), I'm now not in a position where I can date, even though perhaps I finally have enough self-knowledge that I might manage to make a go of it. But understanding this stuff about myself does help with getting on with life. So even if what counselling does is stop you feeling despair about your present situation rather than "fixing" it, it's still a worthwhile thing.

I never got to second dates either.

But I didn’t like any of the men l met. I’m really choosy and hate that part of myself, but cant change it.

I tried all the going on a second date thing, giving people more chances etc. It made me feel worse, and kind of empty?

I don’t have an answer, but l get where you are coming from

this may not work for you but I was in a similar position, never finding anyone I could see a future with, despairing and desperately wanting to. I ended up on a therapist's couch for two years - a jungian psychotherapist who was very very good - and somehow she turned my life around and I found my way to it, and i know for a fact i wouldn't have done it on my own. If you have the money as you say, it might be worth a try to find out if there's some reason you are holding back...

I echo the advice to see a counsellor. Your follow up posts suggest that you are vetting your dates against an invisible checklist in terms of 'future life partner' suitability. And that's fine but you need to be careful that you aren't being too rigid - as PP have said, a first date is not necessarily reflective of who someone is!

That's not to say that you can't have standards at all - far from it. I think you are being very sensible and clear headed about wanting to ensure you meet someone who is financially secure, has similar approaches to work and so forth. However you need to balance that with not setting the bar so high that nobody could possibly meet the standard. Also bear in mind that a first date is a single snapshot and doesn't give you a fully rounded view of what someone is really like - you may find that the "let's get smashed" guy turns out to be bloody nervous and kicks himself afterwards for saying it!

See a counsellor because there is nobody who doesn't benefit from it - seriously, everyone can learn things from it. And in the meantime carry on dating and push on to some second dates; give yourself the chance to get to know some of these guys a bit better. I'm saying this through the lens of being married to a bloke I was friends with first, and who was interested in me before I was in him. But my feelings changed, I fell in love and we've been together for almost 20 years now.

Righto, I have apologised.

In a [patronising way] Im trying to make the point that relationships and family take horrendous sacrifice of mind body and soul. If youve been used to everything being perfect, and in its right place then your standards could be way too high. Will you have such standards for your children?
I, and I suspect, many people waited for a long time before starting a family because I worried about financial security and the responsibilities of family. I guess Im trying to point out that you seem to have the resources and desire ready made for a family now. The only thing holding you back is you.
Finding someone who is committed to their career, yet wants a family and is fun, is a tall order. Try a second date, even if youre bored, you may be surprised. If youve got everything together then you might be intimidating for someone who hasnt.

I wonder if it would help if you felt more in control of your life. I am in a similar position re career/ money but feel like my life has no purpose and for me the lack of control over the things that matter to me/ I think will make me happy is a real problem.
I can’t change the things that have gone wrong in my life (loss of dd1) but I am taking proactive steps to try and have a family again through ivf with a donor.
I have a single friend who is early 30s, good career and feels similar to you. She is also taking steps to have a baby with a donor.
Just something to think about....

OP id really invest in some councelling, something is holding you back from connection whether youre concious of it or not. Theres no better investment than in yourself.

Also take up some hobbies you like- maybe a sport? youll meet likeminded people, make new friends (and widen your social circle to potentially meet someone) and spend your time challenging yourself and growing. mr right always seems to come along when youre not looking so invest in yourself and it could well happen just as youve given up!

Why not look at adoption or fostering if a family is what you crave, so so many kids in care homes that need some1 to love and care for them

Agree that childhood emotional neglect is HUGE and definitely can still affect your adult relationships.

Try another therapist as this could really help you.

@Parent999 you made me ! And l'm in a similar situation to the OP.

Parent999's point about all relationships including those with your children needing to come from a healthy place is a very important one. As I said upthread, a lot of the comments about emotional avoidance etc. I see in myself. And now I'm a single parent, I have to be extremely careful not to bring this baggage into my relationship with DC, and try to model much more positive and healthy ways of interacting instead. So it's not just for second dates on OLD, this is for the whole of the way you interact with the world and those closest to you.

Broken2019 - what went wrong with your two serious relationships and how long did they last?

I also was in your situation and found I never really wanted second dates. I always found something to dislike about the person and told myself it was because i was super-picky. In the end, I met my husband who, due to cultural differences, more or less organized the second date during the first! I spend half the second date sulking thinking he wasn't quite right, but again, he persistently arranged the third. I think if he hadn't broken through that huge wall, I really might well be single. I think to go on 20 dates and not want to see anyone again, unless you are literally dating totally unsuitable people to start with, is unusual. It doesn't mean going on second dates will fix it, i f you are very defensive, you will just block them at that point, but it may be worth trying something different, not going out to dinner but going canoeing or something out of your comfort zone with one or two of the ones you liked the most.

You need to do something fundamental to ‘shake up’ your modus operandi.

Do you enjoy your job? Is it sancrosant? If not I would suggest making a big change there, resign, take some time out. Go and travel the world for a year, or work in an Art gallery in Cornwall, or work for an overseas charity. It might alter your persona enough to create connection; a little bit of magic dust.

@Parent999 I found your post hilarious (just to balance out the feedback)

I've had these issues with relationships too - and I've never got to the bottom of what is wrong with me (and I know it's me that's the problem). I'm pretty sure a lot of it has to do with emotional neglect from childhood but I can't afford the cost of therapy to deal with it.

This may not change if you do meet someone - I finally met someone lovely who is wonderful to be with, but the minute we're apart I question whether we're right for each other, worry about all the things I feel may be missing in the relationship etc.

As you mentioned, I also like to have to fight for a relationship, like it's proof we can make it through the rough times - actually those men are probably wankers who don't deserve you. You only have to fight for a relationship if it's wrong for you and you haven't actually realised it.

Don't settle for someone who doesn't fit with your lifestyle or moral code - I've gone out with people who don't have enough good job prospects or drink too much and that's no good if you don't want those qualities in a person. My partner is very unique in his ways and fits perfectly with my own view on the world - but he took plenty of time to find (via OLD). Maybe only go out with people who you KNOW are an excellent fit, don't give them your time if they're not.

I'm 35 and I met him just over a year ago so don't think you're running out of time. I'm also now pregnant but in my usual way of wanting the opposite of what I've got, I'm wishing I had more time with my partner and that this pregnancy might be a mistake. I think some people are just never happy with their lot, just restless and bored of life - I'm one of those people and maybe you are too.

Could you go it alone?
Sperm donor?
You have support around you so it's totally do-able.
My best friend did it and she loves it.
Worth considering?

I never want a second date because I’m either not massively attracted to them or they become boring (in my eyes) by the end of the evening.

You need to push past this. Most people are on edge or nervous on a first date so you're not giving them a proper chance to show who they are.

OP, I felt just like you. Being single with a lovely life, lovely flat, lovely friends but I just craved that family life. I was over being alone and just wanted someone to love and love me back. I met DP at 34 and we now have everything I wanted (am now at the stage of looking back wistfully at single life but I really wouldn't change a thing).

I don't think I have any answers for you but I just wanted to say you are not alone. I dated a lot of men online that didn't get past a second date. They were all perfectly nice but I was bored by the end of the date. People told me to persevere but I just knew that they were not for me. I did like one guy but he dropped me after a few weeks. People feel so disposable on online dating, it really can be horrible.

DP was a friend of a friend. We vaguely knew each other socially and he had his eye on me. He added me on Facebook and gradually built up a friendship until I really got to know him and we started dating.

I know it doesn't work the same for everyone. So keep dating, keep getting out there socially and meeting new people.

Parent99 that is not helpful. Would you give up your children to go back to the single life? No you would not.