My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

WeshMaGueule - I find that very interesting. All my offspring were intellectually gifted and from a professional background - they have all chosen partners who could not be more different to that - and they are all happy.

But how to find a man with a colossal intellect who is also attractive?
There just aren't enough of them to go round!
The culture of 'anti-intellectualism' (in my view) is stronger in men than women and this could explain why it's hard to find a man who is your intellectual equal?

My friend was desperate to be a mam
Never found the right man
After several unsuccessful ivf attempts she gave birth to triplets aged 45
She’s as happy as Larry now
( and the good news is if she’d been in a relationship that hadn’t worked, there’s no one to take them off her)

Would you consider going it alone with sperm donation?

Oh OP @Broken2019 my heart breaks for you. Sending lots of love! But I do think you should give the dating scene another go, FWIW I HATED my partner when we first met. Couldn’t stand him! Then eventually saw his other side years later. Go for third / fourth dates even if the first date leaves you a bit sour! Love doesn’t happen at first sight!!!!

@Broken2019 @Fizzysours second this! You are a successful woman in the 21st century, you don’t need a man to have a family these days!!! Worth looking into!!

“Would you consider adoption/fostering/sperm donation?”

Should be the new cancel the cheque on these kind of threads!

No, OP has made it clear that she wants a family unit and single parenthood is not how she sees her future.

I feel for you but married life is not as perfect as you think. In fact. I'm starting to wonder if I made the right choice. And I'm depressed because of it. So I guess the grass isn't greener whatever the situation

Firstly you need to drop your list of priorities until date 5 at least so what if someone hasn't got the right stable job for you he might still be the right guy x

Stop thinking the issue is you you're
Probably coming across as a bit desperate...
And no body wants that..

Go
On multiple dates with different men stop
Seeing dates as in interview
For your husband just let go and maybe get smashed with a few
People .... dosent mean there not going to be the one ...

You're never going to be happy with someone else if you're not happy with you join a gym a dance class something you want to do.
Make you're life what you want or
To be stop taking dates so serious and
Enjoy yourself

It will happen when you stop interviewing men as possible husbands

I find that I'm only attracted to people who I have gotten to know a bit, so I doubt a single date over a drink would tell me much. Maybe you are similar and would have more attraction to someone that you got to know through a mutual interest or maybe you just haven't met nice enough men yet.

Thinking about your ideal single guy, where does he spend his free time - trips to the theatre, a local book group or am dram society, walking his dog through the park, running club? Then try those things.

I haven't used meet up so I'm not quite sure how it works, but maybe there is a way of meeting up with people who want to do theatre trips etc?

There is absolutely no way you can decide whether or not someone is interesting on the back of one date (unless, of course, you are only attracted to performing seals). A lot of the most worthwhile people take a while to get to know. You don't meet the real person on a first or second date - just the nervous version trying to impress, but not actually knowing how, because you don't know each other. If you are fed up with your dull life of surface perfection, Broken2019, then maybe you need to ask yourself why you are not bothering to get below the surface with anyone you have dated in the last year?

@Broken2019 how are you feeling today?

Please don't give up, I didn't meet my fiancé until I was 37, I'm now 39, we get married in less than a month and are currently TTC.

Walkaround, yes, you can. If (as commonly happens) a man talks AT you for an entire date, he’s either showing no interest in you as a person and/or piss-poor social skills. I don’t accept that nerves can persist for hours (and usually after a drink or too!) to the extent that the man asks me not a single question about myself. A lot of these men are failing at an extremely basic level. I can accept nerves and someone who talks a bit too much, but not a total absence of interest in me for an entire date.

*after a drink or two

Bless

I hear you sweetie.
I know you already know how lucky you are to have been able to enjoy those experiences child free as again I’m sure you know, with children it’s near enough impossible lol

I honestly think if I was in your ituation I would look at sperm donation. Sounds extreme but if your sure your ready for a child and your not too fussed about the relationship then why not ?

No relationship is guaranteed anyway 🤷‍♀️

SonataDentata - you are referring to the bleeding obvious. The OP, on the other hand, complained about people who didn't instantly get her witty plays on words or literary references, or who appeared to lack interest in politics and current affairs. That has bugger all to do with them talking at her and a lot to do with her making snap judgements about their intellectual curiosity and intelligence. I seriously doubt there are many people nutty enough to discuss their political opinions on a first date - unless they have extremely strong opinions on the subject and could not actually countenance a political debate at all, but just want to screen out people who do not share their fixed opinions, and the OP did not give the impression that's what she wanted!

Basically, the OP was not complaining that every single one of her multiple dates in the last year had talked at her and not listened to her. If anything, it sounded as though she had talked at them quite a lot, given her complaints about first dates!

The OP also tellingly admitted that she doesn't want things that come too easily, so being polite to her when she patronised them on their first date, being too nice and asking her out for second dates is clearly the major crime of these people.

How are you doing, OP?

OP if you're still around, how are you getting on?

You've had long-term relationships so clearly you're fine. I can understand what you're saying about dating through. I know it's normal for the majority of people but I can't even imagine myself going to something with romantic overtones with a stranger and then potentially wanting to do it again. Never really done it. Maybe conventional dating is just not for you?

Complete stab in the dark but maybe you're just someone that takes longer to develop attraction towards someone? How did you meet the people you were in relationships with previously?

Lots of people feel like that in mid-30s, whether single or divorced/ separated, especially around significant birthdays. You'll have lots of people wanting to meet you at your age (as your dating experience proves) - just think about who/ what kind of relationship you want. The desire to have a family can blind you to maybe not make the best choices - though sounds like your anxiety may be the other way around :)

All is not lost OP! 😉

Of course you should try and push through that. Or else admit to yourself that being in a relationship is not that important to you. You can't have it both ways. If you meet a pleasant person who has not upset you on date one and doesn't repulse you physically... go out with him again. Next date you will either like him more or less. You can't just keep wishing your life away hoping for...well God knows what you are hoping for.

Be careful what you wish for.

Oh OP, huge hug.
I have lived the opposite life to you. I had children early and am still with my middle school boyfriend. Same age as you.
I have always envied women like you and fantasised about a single life where I can do what I want, when I want. I love my family and wouldn’t swap them for the world, but to me, your life is my wish I’ll never have. I suppose because I never lived that single life.

I suppose we all want what we don’t have. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I hope you do get your dream. You sound like a wonderful woman, I know it’ll take a high calibre of man to sweep you off your feet, but he’ll be out there for you. Or go it alone, I know a handful of amazing ladies who have had their children on their own and they are the most amazing role models for their kids.

Is this zombie thread anything to do with it being Halloween?

Zombie thread.