My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

I look mostly for someone on the same intellectual level and often I find I meet men who just aren’t too interested in history, culture, politics (this sounds awful doesn’t it?!). I’m not saying I’m an expert in these areas by any stretch, but I’m interested in the topics and always want to learn more. I’ve written off a lot of people who miss a subtle play on words or don’t pick up on a reference to something (culture based).

These are all important markers of whether someone’s on the same wavelength and not things you can compromise on.

I’d put a lot of other things up for grabs though - age, looks, income, even being passionate about their job. Some people love their work and some people use it to pay bills and they’re passionate about interests outside of work.

The thing is just to keep going and keep meeting people. It’s only been a year you say, which isn’t actually that long.

A friend of mine did dating sites for a couple of years. And then met her DH on a holiday.

I’d keep up your voluntary work and travel as a means to meet people, less as an end in itself. Join places and events that tally with your cultural interests - politics, history culture.

*ok well over a year. But even so that’s not that long.

People are suggesting which things are a lower priority. Maybe do your own list of the top things / non negotiable things.

Put yourself in the right environment etc and clear on your profile on right sites

I do think it’s better the thread has moved from disorders to moving forward. I can’t say obviously but I’d imagine you’re doing well given what you’re looking for (a family). Anyone could be feeling the same as you are.

I also think mid-30s is a b-i-g thing. Its the end of youth and the beginning of very early mid-life and maturity. Big changes were made for me around then, though I had no idea about what was going on at the time. I think quite a few people around that age and wonder 'whatsitallaboutAlfie'.

Although people will give you ideas etc here, it really is your own journey.

Re. dating I think online dating is utterly awful. All this self-presentation, and like another poster I found it draining and awful. Though I can see why some people love it. But at age 35 - I guess if you can stick it - its a good age to do it. Don't drop your standards be they cultural or whatever. I found the whole thing toe-curling, but if you can manage it, I guess you can keep going. My thoughts 1: keep the date short. 2. Be honest.

But there is always an element of Que Sera Sera (for the dreamily inclined anyway). When I was about 36 I wondered if I would have children and I really did think que sera sera. I did have a child (single parent) but equally I would have been content if I didn't.

re. the "therapy" thing - yes it might be good to do. Especially as you say you've always wanted a family - most people who do make it happen even if its not perfect. OTOH, as I saw on a rather grim show about Tinder on Sky Atlantic the other day, a young woman was saying "you can't marry yourself or create children yourself" (the reasoning was that in the disposable, hook up culture, it was almost impossible to find a man who wanted old-fashioned marriage and children); so for goodness sake don't beat yourself up about it either.

Oh Broken, I’m so sorry to hear this. Nothing is worth ending your life over. I’m probably teaching you to suck eggs, but have you tried online dating?
My sister got pregnant with twins when she was 20 and at uni. He left her and she was on her own for many many years. She married a man she met online and had a daughter at the age of 42. So she got her happy ending.
I know you say you feel like you have missed a chunk of life you could have had with a partner but I’m sure there are many people who settled down young in a flip reverse situation wishing they had lived the single life for longer!! Life has a way of working itself out

I would join a club with people with similar interests. It will brighten up your life and your will hopefully meet like-minded souls.

It may or may not lead to finding a partner, but one step at a time....

Actually, after reading the Giving Up Dating thread on here, simultaneously, and agreeing with virtually everyone how shit it is for women, how shit the men are and all their ludicrous demands (ShatnersWig comes on as usual and starts criticising women for reducing their age by a few years - when so many men of 50 want women between 30-48 or even 25-48!). Its a hook up culture - imported from the United States - so if you look at where its going its going to get worse! Only solution is to opt out completely of hookup - and hope you meet interesting, decent, attractive men through normal life and interests. Or do internet dating ruthlessly, and get rid of all the waste of time arses within a nano second, seriously.

Can I just pop along and say when the OP said culture I think she meant things like The Arts- ie theatre, reading, art, music. I don't think she meant heritage, race, religion or pertaining to a culture.

The expression someone is ' cultured' means they enjoy and are well informed about the arts- ie opera, classical music, books and so on.

Was that not clear? I would have thought it was.

"Only solution is to opt out completely of hookup - and hope you meet interesting, decent, attractive men through normal life and interests."

Most men are decent (imo). "Interesting" and "attractive" though, that's the tricky part. Men who are both of those are a bit rare, most men being a bit boring and average looking (or worse). Perhaps if you gave the average looking, less interesting men a chance they might be willing to commit.

Well yes, but she seems to have a rather restrictive idea of what being cultured entails. I'm a huge reader, also a writer by profession like a PP, and DH never reads books and wouldn't have a clue if I made a Dickens reference. He does read science magazines and current affairs and knows all about all sorts of things I don't.

@OrangeBlueTent i agree that women should opt out of OLD.
I feel Im quite canny and i value myself and i still got played a couple of times. Shatnerswig has given out to me for subtracting from my age too! But the men do it too so that they lower the younger end of their search bracket. Online a man my own age wont look at me! I dont find this in rl. OLD is for men.

It does feel a bit narrow as someone who reads a lot, studied a lot, likes culture as described, the thought of a having to get a historical reference on a date makes me feel more stressed than a job interview. Feels a bit niche!

OLD is for men. So who do these men hope to meet ? They wouldn't be there if women weren't on the sites.

Don't dismiss OLD per se.

Some people find it works for them and we all know happy couples who have met that way. It's the luck of the draw.

You'd have to go to zillions of parties to meet the number of men you can access online. It's a short cut for people who need it. Yes, sometimes it won't work but sometimes it will.

It’s not easy to bump into single men. I’m not looking but am surrounded by couples. My age of course but it’d be harder work to locate them. The right site / agency might be a better bet.

Oh OP I feel you! I am in the same boat.
I’ve done all the things people are suggesting above. I’ve given chances to dates where I didn’t feel an immediate spark, gone for people I wouldn’t normally consider my type and even got to relationship stage with a few.
Every single one of them has gone on to dump me for someone ‘better’ (their words) and made it clear I was only ever a placeholder.
In one case after a year long relationship and being dumped by text at Christmas because he had met ‘the one’ - who he’d been dating for a couple of months by then.

I have friends, hobbies, a good job, a social life, I have had counselling, I’m financially secure, told I am good company and interesting and fun to be around. That I am a kind and caring person. But it doesn’t seem to matter.

I wish I had an answer for you and for me, but I’m stumped.

Op I hope you don't think I am being facetious by saying this but would you consider buying a dog? I suggest this seriously because (a) you sound rather depressed and animals help you to live in the here and now, bring great comfort and force you out on long walks at weekends. Also you sound ready to take on the responsibility and commitment (and restrictions) that come with dog ownership and (b) animals tend to bring with them an entire team of new people (vets, fellow walkers, trainers etc) and (c) huge generalisation but if a bloke is keen on dogs then they have some decency in them!

Could you restrict dates to a quick coffee in an art gallery or some such then at least you get to enjoy the paintings if the chap is unsuitable and you only waste 20 mins on coffee instead of a whole evening.

Personally, I wouldn't go for a bloke with too similar tastes to yours. Opposites attract! As long as intelligence/intellect and kindness is there that's half the
battle.

Hang in there and don't settle x

OLD serves men more than it serves women then.

"OLD serves men more than it serves women then."
Men on average get far fewer responses than women on OLD. For most men its a pretty disheartening experience with a lot of rejection. Probably the decent men give up pretty fast leaving only the assholes behind.

If men didnt tend to use OLD to send messages to women who wouldnt be interested / attracted to them in real life then their messages wouldnt tend to be ignored.

There are exceptions to all tendencies of course.

when you're dumped for someone better I often feel you just been dumped for someone who they are better able to manipulate, someone more compliant and biddable 🙄

Check out her series of clips 1-5 called "why like seeks like; the anxious avoidant trap"

There is also a really good one called how to develop amore secure attachment style even though you're single"

Oh sorry wrong thread

Funny you should say that Who - ‘the one’ happens to be a woman who was not long out of an abusive relationship, who was looking for a hero. I was ‘too challenging’ in comparison.