My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

*date!

Did you go on the second date last night op?

I was looking for someone in the same broad type of job as me when I was OLD in my mid-thirties, but getting nowhere. I then decided to meet everyone who asked, and DH was the fifth or six of those random dates I went on

Same sort of thing happened to two of my friend's too.

It is definitely not too late but you need to give them a chance. Unfortunately it's also a numbers game, so even to have a few lined up might be a good strategy

^^This. I think so many people are looking for instant Disney fireworks that they miss the slow burn more genuine kind of feelings that comes with a few dates type thing.

If you are 35 then you have NOT run out of time to have a family. Lots of women meets someone in their late 30s and early 40s and have a baby.

Or they decide to go it alone, either through adoption or Donor insemination.

Would you consider being a parent alone? My best friend did this, I've known her 22 years and never known her have a single relationship in that time but she wanted a baby desperately.
She's got a good career and a good support network around her so she went down the route of sperm donor. She was 35 when she did it and her little boy is 18 months now
She's going for round 2 shortly as she wants him to have a sibling
Life doesn't always work out the way we picture or plan, but there are other routes to getting what we want

@Broken2019
You've heard the saying' Definition of madness is doing the same thing all the time and expecting a different outcome' Yes? Well, that applies to you. To an extent :)

You have tried OLD. What about a really upmarket site like Drawing Down the Moon? Or a site that focuses on interests? eg Muddy Matches is for people who like the countryside. Not saying either is for you but you might think about variations to the usual Match and Plenty of Fish sites.

Id' say you really must get onto Meetup. In my area there are loads of events including a 20s to 30s group where they do theatre stuff, walks, cinema etc.

If you like running or sports, maybe try that as well? Join a running group, enter some races, learn a new sport like cycling, climbing, or whatever takes your fancy. Doing sport is a really good way to meet men .

You need to somehow put some of this into your week as well as doing the OLD stuff as well.

There is a good book Smart Dating by Mary Balfour who set up Drawing Down the Moon. It might help to read it.

I think you should give 'neutral' dates a 2nd chance, actually. Fair enough if you find a date a complete turn off and could never imagine shagging them ever, ditch them. But if you see a guy as a possible, give them another chance. Most people are really nervous on a first date and you might not see them at their best.

I've got two friends like you who married late(r). One married at 35 and had DCs at 37 and 39, the other met someone at 35, married at 37 and now has two adult DCs. It can happen.

But you need to keep going and get out of this negative mindset. Use today as a new start, put all the negative experiences behind you and believe that it will happen. A lot is about thinking the positive. If you give out negative vibes, people sense those.

ps @Broken2019 btw, I did read your opening post and when I suggested doing the knitting course I was suggesting that because it is not the sort of place you'd meet a man. I was suggesting it not in a ''get out there'' way but in a ''feed you'' way. I hope you feel better this morning but if you feel as low as you said you do, then definitely do the stuff you WANT TO DO for a while anyway and not the stuff you feel men might like (so it might be possible to meet a man there).

This has been an interesting thread. Can I recommend Brianna McWilliams? (As well as the book Attached which has been recommend, Brianna McWilliams covers attachment styles very thoroughly in her youtube channel)

the full list

I was so bored of s the online dating when I did it so started suggesting more things I liked doing, ie going to the cinema. To me it was ideal for a first meet up, chance for a quick drink first, ready made conversation topics and then quick drink after. Then easy to see if I wanted to see them again and had a few things in common.
Keep going out for lots of long drinks/dinner dates and making small talk for 2/3 hours with a stranger I'd probably not see again was just draining and no fun.

Problem is, it's a two way street and I found that if you go to the cinema first or second date, they mightn't want another date.

Sorry to hear you feel so crap, and I hope you find a path forward that works for you. I don’t know whether your standards are unrealistic with regard to OLD or not, but think you’re right not to just settle for anyone. Like a few PP I was also wondering whether you’d consider a sperm donor; I know a few people who’ve done this and it’s worked out well. But go easy on yourself and do what’s right for you.

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread as I have to run but I want to say that birthdays are hard! I really sympathise because I always feel inadequate and depressed around them looking at what I haven’t achieved yet. In my case I have a husband and one child but zero career and turned 36 yesterday - I am wondering what kind of role model I will be to my daughter. It sounds like you have achieved so much in life to be proud of. The family stuff can happen really quickly and you never know what is around the corner. I know plenty of people for whom it’s happened really fast and later in life. You really do have time to get everything you have ever wanted.

Been through and I know how you feel.
It does not seem you do not attract men, just that you find them boring. And honestly you possibly are right.
I think that a lot of people do not cultivate the art of conversation and, although you want family life, you certainly do not want to end up bored stiff !
You seem to be concentrating on what you are missing but why don't you try to work on what you have and can do something to improve?
Some of us have incredible artistic abilities ( writing, painting...whatever) that go wasted....you have the time, concentrate on making yourself a better person. Read "The Artis Way" - it is not the usual self help book - it actually allows you to self analyse yourself and assess your needs. More clarity will lead to you attracting different people.
It worked for me, hope it works for you!

I wonder if looking for somebody who likes a particular hobby such as hiking? Or cycling? I can imagine going on a date involving doing something would be nice as it's so much more natural. As I've never done OLD I dont know how possible this is? I hope things get sorted for you.

@31RueCambon true. But me and the man I met online dating still go to the movies once a week so it's a thing we both enjoy doing.

Wow thank you so much for the posts. I have had so much support here it means so much thank you. Sundays are always hard and it’s so comforting to read these posts.

When people ask if I’m being unrealistic, in what way do you mean? I’m really not sure if I am but I know I am waiting for some sort of definite spark. Maybe that’s the problem.

Maybe the spark will come when you get to know someone? And not necessarily on the first date, when most of us are not at our best because nerves.

of nerves

I used meet loads of men on dates but I wanted a particular type and level of education ( degree ). Anyway, went to therapy for various issues , the night my now DH tried to chat me up I wasnt interested even though He was very good looking, i always wanted men to try harder so i would be sorta rude and if they persevered I knew they really did like me ! Anyway I turned back and struck up another conversation and we exchanged numbers. It was such an effort to turn back to him but I knew I had to change my ways !! He is a great Husband and Dad. Honestly dont give up !! Give them a chance. I wandered for most of my twenties and Tg things changed with therapy.

I had to change my ways as i couldnt tell my therapist the following week, I had done it yet again !! Best of luck broken you sound fab🙂

I could have written your post at your age. I had a disastrous dating life, hadn't had a serious relationship since I was a student. I found dating excruciating and just felt I didn't really understand the rules. This was pre-online dating, but I did join one of the more upmarket agencies mentioned upthread, and am afraid I didn't have much luck with that either.

A friend of mine told me she'd met a guy she thought I'd really get on with. On the face of it he didn't sound like my kind of person at all (I'm embarrassed to say I was judging this on the basis of the type of work he did) but we met, mainly because she just nagged me incessantly! We got married a year later, and had our lovely DD a year after that.

The moral in this, if there is one, is not to give up, but to be open to things that might not initially appear promising. But not to pin everything on that, because there's huge value in your life whatever happens - you are NOT a failure just because you don't end up as part of a couple with kids. I felt I'd got to a more accepting point about this by the time I met my husband, helped by counselling, which helped me to think about what mattered most to me.

Good luck.

Op did you have a tick list that said by the time I’m 35 this is where I’d like to be? Did this list include husband kids = family?

Are you finding all these dates boring as they are a mirror image of yourself ie job house = security?

Agree with others that emotional neglect as a child will have impacted on you. It is great that you see that your parents did their best for you and you have forgiven them but this does not mean you have dealt with how it made you feel!

You are completely closed down - you need to open yourself up - if you are feeling depressed / suicidal your body is telling you this - but your mind is going to protect you because the things that are actually giving you security are stopping you from living - does this make sense?

Meet-up groups are great - anything and everything is out there! But have you looked at spirituality as opposed to counselling which you have already done - you have everything you need materially but you have no purpose - you don’t even know what your purpose is? We are here for more than just material comfort!

Your body is telling you to change things - you can do this yourself - what do you really enjoy or what really scares you? What about a silent retreat? If you ignore your body you may well end up further into depression and this may be where changes happen - you are on the wrong path - this I think is what your body is telling you

You have to look inside to fix things first - you may feel that a husband family will fulfill you but this has to come from a good place - not a place of being bored fed up etc otherwise it will be the wrong decision.

My life has been turned upside down - I was probably on the wrong path but too scared to make changes because I believed in “conventional”. I still do to a certain extent but you have to listen to your gut - the depression is a symptom of your choices not giving you what you are looking for what you need - love can come from anywhere but it needs to come from inside you first - find what gives you the spark - find your soul - get out your comfort zone xx

When people ask if I’m being unrealistic, in what way do you mean

I don't know what they mean but I do know it ought not to mean 'settle' for anyone rather than being on your own.

Maybe it would help you to look back at the two long relationships you had.

How did they start? Where did you meet? Was there an instant spark or a slow burn?

I can only tell you about me (and I'm old enough to be your mum!)
I had a few long term serious relationships before I married.

For me, there was a real sexual attraction from the word 'go' for most of those relationships along with what I'd call intellectual compatibility- all the men were highly educated (at least a degree), witty, made me laugh, liked similar music and hobbies. One- who was a partner for 5 years- didn't do anything for me physically at first (we met via work not 'dating') but he was very intelligent, kind, sense of humour and he grew on me as I got to know him. If I'd judged him purely on his looks I'd not have dated him.

I had a mental tick list- I'd not date anyone with a low level of education, who had bad habits (drank, smoked...), who didn't have a good work ethic, who didn't have a hobby or passion of some sort, or who had an odd relationship history.

I think going to the cinema is a really bad idea for a first date because how the hell do you talk?

Maybe you should focus on a one-hour coffee - have your excuses to leave after that time- and go on lots of dates.

And as well as this, join groups where men go. It's far easier to get a feel for someone if you see them weekly at rock climbing or a running club when it's a non-date setting.

You also need to be receptive to meeting men anywhere. I've got friends who met their partners on trains, in shops, in cafes.....everyday situations where they got talking and things progressed. If you look friendly and approachable, you never know what might happen!

What are you really looking for in a man? what are your must-haves and dealbreakers? There may be lateral thinking way of getting them. For example I wanted someone highly qualified to match my own career but ended up with someone who never went to university but has intellectual curiosity in bundles.

And what sites are you using?