My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

I'm a huge reader, also a writer by profession like a PP, and DH never reads books and wouldn't have a clue if I made a Dickens reference

That would really irritate me.

Why? He has his own interests. He knows a hell of a lot more about music than I do, for instance.

Because it would. (Diff’rent strokes).

I would find that hugely irritating, too. That probably comes as no surprise though given my dating failures!

I see Im still being pasted for my "joke"

I also see this has turned into a dating thread.

OP considering what you want from life shouldn't you be asking these men about their principles and outlook on family life. What kind of father will they be etc etc.

parent I thought it was quite funny joke wise, but wasn’t sure if it was entirely a joke at the time, in my pit of despair.

I did meet a man who wanted ALL of that stuff and was very dedicated to family life. I went off him because he was desperate to settle down so god knows what that means.

I think it is quite reasonable to want to spend the rest of your adult life with someone who is your intellectual equal and gets your cultural references. It doesn't mean you don't have your own interests: it just means there is a chunk of Venn diagram between you that is a nice place to be.

Happy Birthday! Enjoy your special day - remember you are a wonderful person.

Im sorry but I have to disagree, my parents have been married for over 50 years. Ive never said these words out loud and never would but the truth is my Mum is vastly more intelligent than my father. She has her hobby/job teaching art and he goes on track days racing. They have a wonderful relationship of mutual respect though. She has her friends that meet her intellectual needs. He has his golfing buddies, its all good.

The amount of compromise needed to make a relationship and family work is astounding. For example, I always looked at parents that fed their kids burger and chips all the time and thought that will never be me. But even now I have to compromise sometimes by making the excuse, "at least their eating" and I dont want the screaming fits in the middle TGI Fridays.
Compromise compromise compromise. Im afraid it starts with your partner that will never ever be perfect.

Wow, thank you curls that means a lot! Xx

They're not their.

Yeah sorry, happy birthday

Happy birthday, OP! I hope the day brings you plenty of smiles. Lots of people thinking of you today and wishing good things for you, keep that in your heart.

I agree Parent. I'm more intelligent than DH but when push came to shove in my mid-thirties kindness, intellectual curiosity and willingness to start a family won out. I'm now mid-forties, happily married with two kids.

Happy Birthday OP

Op
Why did you go off the man who was desperate to settle down? I thought that was what you wanted.

the truth is my Mum is vastly more intelligent than my father

That may have worked for your mum, but it’s wouldn’t work for a lot of women.

Some women choose to settle wrt intelligence and that’s fine. But it’s not a compromise everyone can make.

Happy Birthday!

Make today the day you start being optimistic about your future.

Maybe by the end of this week you can have signed up to one new hobby/ club, refined your dating profile, and set up 3 coffee dates with possible men?

Give yourself some small goals like this.

Ultimately, you are going to have to compromise on someone. You will not get 100% of what you need from one person.

If I threw quotes from Shakespeare into my daily conversations with DH, he'd not have a clue what I was saying. Literature and writing has been at the centre of my career for decades. I married a scientist who rarely reads a book and if she does it's non fiction.

But he's a kind, lovely, caring man, a great dad, stable, reliable, intelligent and we share some interests.

At some stage you are going to have to let go of something you can forgo, as long as the man ticks enough boxes.

You haven't talked much about what went wrong with previous relationships (in detail) but maybe reflect on why you spent time with the 'wrong' men and learn from that too.

Have a good birthday and start looking forward.

Happy birthday Broken2019! See this year as the year of fun and discovery... I tell myself that every birthday. I have had the best time this year, man or no man... 😊 I do think you need to look into some kind of therapy. It will help sort your head out, there’s a reason why therapists are so highly paid... if we could easily sort ourselves out, we all would and therapists would be out of jobs. But today, go forth and enjoy!

Great idea but therapists are not highly paid . Lots of friends who are psychotherapists and by the time they have paid for their offices, professional fees, CPD etc etc what you pay per hour (around £50) is reduced by an awful lot!

I get you, OP. Been there. 20 years on from where you are now, I’d say you sound very much like me. The two things that I’d say held me back at the time were (a) a colossal intellect that I didn’t really realise I had at the time, and (b) not really understanding that most men I met were intimidated by me. The two were clearly linked but I never saw it because I never saw the intellect thing as being that different from those around me, but it was (in retrospect) incredibly isolating. Men who were successful in life tended to be single-minded bores, and men who weren’t ran a mile from me. I was really cultural at the time (not now), widely-travelled (lived in Africa for a while, and Scandinavia, and Asia), and had two hobbies that were very men-friendly (hugely into various sports, had been to every wine region in the world). I honestly couldn’t have done more, but it was hopeless when I never met anyone I could hook up with.
I don’t think you need counselling, but I do think it would be a nourishing thing to spend some time on. That’s the only thing extra I can suggest, as what will make the difference will be the next relationship and you can’t force that. Maybe do stuff other than OLD, as well. Grab a mate and drag her to some one-off stuff where you’ll meet men from all walks of life (Grand Prix, maybe, or rugby international, and buy a package that has hospitality thrown in).
When I met DH he was in a dead-end job and up to his ears in debt; I would never have been matched with him on a dating site. Bumped into him in a bar. We had nothing in common but we clicked. He was excruciatingly embarrassing in some ways (still is), but he loved the things in me that scared other men away, and that was really intoxicating. My friends always thought I’d marry some brilliant-minded millionaire and were dumbstruck, and his friends always thought he’d marry a blond model type and were equally as dumbstruck. It happens. I didn’t marry till I was 38.
Raise yourself a glass of wine and toast yourself on your birthday. Change is probably round one of the corners, and it will be great when it happens. Don’t be so hard on yourself as many of us have been there. It’s not you, it’s just bloody fate and poor luck. Both of which can change in an instant.

one of my friends met her partner via a website call meet up.
it's not a dating site, it's a site for people to meet others to do activities together. i think they met via a badminton group
here is a link to the london one bu it will lead you to other areas

www.meetup.com/cities/gb/17/london/

I understand exactly what you mean what wanting a family to come home to-i am very lucky and have that and i can't imagine how hard it would be not having that. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

When I got divorced I joined Meetup to make single parent friends for play dates etc. I wasn't looking for anyone but met my current partner. We've been together for nearly three years now.
Would definitely recommend Meetup, because its nothing to do with dating so there's zero pressure, its just social groups for sports, hobbies etc.

I find meet-up very difficult because you don’t really meet the same people. Maybe it’s just me though!

My colossal intellect has also always been a HUGE barrier in every relationship, such a handicap in life isn't it!