My perfect single life make me want to die

[Broken2019]

I don’t know if I can put into words how I feel. I’ve always wanted a family and to be married. Not in a fairytale way at all...I’ve just wanted a family and all the challenges and love and sleepless nights and so on that it involves.

I’m at work sat in a meeting room feeling like there is literally no point to my life. I’m earning decent money, lots spare at the end of the month and for what? I’ve done the singles holidays, I’ve done the buying designer clothes on a whim, I’ve done the appreciation of quiet nights to myself with no responsibilities. I’ve done volunteering because I have spare time. I’ve done exactly what I fucking want for what feels like forever. Selfishly, I don’t WANT to volunteer. In a bratty way I don’t WANT more holidays and child free spontaneous trips. I’m sick of it all. I find no joy in any of it because I’ve done it, over and over, for years.

I see people around me on their second move with their other half...moving out to the country, or to a bigger place with a garden. Talking about paint samples and wallpaper. I know that sounds silly but I do all those things alone and it’s shit.

I have dated, a lot. Been dating for well over a year now. Lots of nice people, nobody I was interested in. I have literally never been bothered about any of them wanting a second date. They all have wanted to meet again which probably makes me the problem and makes me feel even more than I’m destined for a life of loneliness like this.

I am dreading my birthday on Monday, really really dreading it. Once again I will be sat with my lovely parents (who I adore!) and with my sibling as his lovely other half who are on the cusp of marriage. I don’t want to wake up on my own again on my birthday. I want to wake up to the chaos of a family and kids who don’t care it’s my birthday and just want to be entertained. I’m not looking at this in an idealistic way...I’m fully aware of the really really shit parts to parenting too.

I have totally had enough. I worked hard in a career and for what? To live a life alone. I’m getting older now and less people will even be interested in me. Even if I met someone now I think I would always feel we had missed a big chunk of our life together. For the first time ever I’ve started to think I’d rather just not be here than have to be the odd one out forever. What does the future hold? Just sitting in meeting rooms at work in my designer clothes, commuting home to my perfect house with nobody in it and in between trying to fill the gap with the stuff I have done for years and am totally sick of? I just don’t want to do any of it anymore.

OP, let me tell you about that spark. It dies after one too many inconsiderate actions. It dies buried in a mountain of chores and dissapointments. It dies when you realise it was all in your head, when you realise you projected hugely, trying to fill a gap in yourself.

That spark might be already buried under a broken marriage, under the dissapointment of 35 years of being alone, under the fear of abandonment.

Now, what you need to find is that spark in yourself. Someone else will see that spark and think: I’d like to gaze at that tiny spark, protect it, help it grow bigger, make lots of little sparks together.
That’s not something you find. That’s something you grow and work for.

What makes you spark, op, what makes you happy?

I think going to the cinema is a really bad idea for a first date because how the hell do you talk?

You go for a drink afterwards and talk about the film!

You go for a drink afterwards and talk about the film

Yeah but you've still spent 2 hrs staring at a screen and not talking. Which is quite a big chunk of an evening.

Wonderful post Seaside!

@Seasidepebbles Are you saying you don't believe in a sexual spark? Surely everyone appreciates that most people unless they want a non sexual relationship have to feel something like a spark? It might be as strong as tearing their clothes off NOW or it might be more of a cuddly warm slow burn, but it's got to exist. I'm sure the Op has her own sparkle and it's a real downer for you to tell her to grow one

I look mostly for someone on the same intellectual level and often I find I meet men who just aren’t too interested in history, culture, politics (this sounds awful doesn’t it?!). I’m not saying I’m an expert in these areas by any stretch, but I’m interested in the topics and always want to learn more. I’ve written off a lot of people who miss a subtle play on words or don’t pick up on a reference to something (culture based).

That seems to be the biggest problem and perhaps is something I need to let go?

I do think I have a spark in that I’m interested in things and I like travelling and seeing new places...I get bored really easily though and want to be challenged, someone who is engaging and into their job is therefore top of my list.

Does all this sound terrible...

I’ve written off a lot of people who miss a subtle play on words or don’t pick up on a reference to something (culture based).

What do you mean by this? Can you give examples?

Maybe a pun or a reference to a famous quote from a play (just in general conversation as a joke) and when it goes unnoticed or they ask what I mean...i just think this isn’t going to work

Again I’m by no means a comedy genius! But these things to me seem pretty basic and the men I’ve clicked with have been on the same page in this way.

I've written off a lot of people who miss a subtle play on words or don’t pick up on a reference to something (culture based)

I totally get this, I have tried overlooking it and that hasn't gone well, so I wouldn't recommend letting go in that area.
All the more reason to start looking elsewhere, maybe some sort of historical/cultural group where there may be more like-minded men?

Yeh there needs to be conversational chemistry.

Where and what sort of thing would that be?

I don’t know where to begin really.

Broken2019 Sun 18-Aug-19 12:41:02
I look mostly for someone on the same intellectual level and often I find I meet men who just aren’t too interested in history, culture, politics (this sounds awful doesn’t it?!.

Okay if you don't use it already what about Guardian Soulmates? (Guardian's dating site.) The Times - ditto.

Do you live near a big city? What about events at museums, art galleries etc? Where I live I am nr two large cities and the museums / galleries have late evening where they have talks on art etc.

In London for example you'd be looking at the Tate, National Gallery, Royal Academy, National Portrait Gallery.

Do you have the equivalent?

Most of these evenings include a glass of wine or something with the ticket or they are free to attend.

If you like culture and politics what about an evening class on philosophy?

Or join a political party and be a supporter or volunteer.

BUT are you adding these things to your online profile? Surely if these things are important to you, it's best to say you'd ideally like a man who is interested in them too?

Which dating sites are you using now?

The thing is you are just looking for men that match your current interests! Open your mind to people and you might learn something new. It's not essential to spend every minute of the day together ! I have a very specific thing that I am interested in and my DH isn't - so what . I do it when I want to. He has a very specific interest that I have become involved in much to my amazement .Widen your horizons .

I get the feeling OP that although you have been dating for ages, you aren't really using the best sites or maybe saying what you want from a partner?

Also, perhaps you need to expand your social life. Volunteering is fine but not if you are stuck in an all female environment or one where you never meet anyone.

I don't want to jump to conclusions but in your very first post you said you sit in meeting rooms then go back to your house each day. It sounds as if you have no social network or friends, or do anything for yourself, except using OLD and hoping Mr Right is there.

If you are looking for professional help (I've seen a few posters leave links) Jo Hemmings is a psychologist who does date coaching - you can find her online.

To be honest, I completely get what you mean by not meeting the right men, but I think there are a few issues going on

-your profile is not clear enough so you are not filtering out men sufficiently at the very first stage of the game

-You aren't getting out and about to enough places where people have your interests and new interests you could have

• You might not be using the best sites for men you want to meet

• You aren't seeing every opportunity the minute you step outside your house as a possible chance to meet a man .

I think you're being a bit harsh with the cultural references thing. I think you need to step out of your dating comfort zone and try meeting men who might not be great readers or whatever but know about other stuff, as long as they're not actively hostile to culture. My DH never reads a book from one end of the year to another, but he knows an awful lot more than me about current affairs and obscure music. He's also thoroughly decent, which is what really matters.

You are being pulled in two directions - the big thing the family and the small cultural references

I’d not get too hung up on whether they get references, do they have the bigger thing like enjoying a profession?

Some things though are non -negotiable for some people in terms of interests. I am a reader - (and a writer by profession) and married a non-reader. It can be very lonely at times not being able to share my love of books.

I get what Op's saying- it's shared sense of humour, it's having a connection. It doesn't come down necessarily to interests, it's just where two people are on the same wavelength and can quite easily 'finish each other's sentences' because they each 'get it' at the same moment.

@Broken2019 you are looking for someone the same as you, thats not necessary!
My DH and I click intellectually but we have very different beliefs and interests.
He is from a creative background, hugely in to film and music. I live theatre and reading and spend all my time with my horse.
We enjoy some shared interests like good food and wine-but I don’t get half of what he goes on about and vice versa. Yet we are still very happy in each others company.

True there is non negotiable stuff but sometimes it gets hard to meet every criteria and it’s good to find other people for that, friends who can be your outlet to supplement.

Say the op is attracted to someone who is meets the intelligence and professional criteria but not this one thing. I think missing a cultural reference is a hard test.

But I don’t know, obviously don’t progress with something that’s wrong. But every criteria might not be checked off.

So dh and I meet on one big thing that we really care about but so much else is not the same. That’s ok it still works.

@Parent999 cheers for that, I’m sure OP and others in her situation (me) feel like we’ve really just dodged a bullet!

OP, I am in the same boat and I have friends that are too. Definitely give it a second date, I’m assuming they’re from online dating? The first date isn’t the real first date, give them another go.

I married a man very like the one you are looking for - v clever, cultural references etc etc. I realise I married him BECAUSE of these things and DESPITE the fact he is a selfish loser. I'm now much more relaxed about that sort of thing and open minded about learning. I focus on finding someone with warmth and emotional intelligence, who thinks I'm the bees knees, and who is amazing at being himself and doesn't try to compete on my playing field. So yes, OP, I think you could try to accept more second dates and look hard for some different things in a person than what is immediately obvious.

www.meetup.com/

Glad this thread is still going as I have been thinking of you as I felt exactly like you did at your age, as if I was in a time warp with my life not moving forward to another stage. I found myself alone at 36 after a 13 year relationship ended and fell into OLD and that was kind of back in the day when it was a little bit embarrassing in that people didn't know what to say when you told them. I too only ever wanted marriage and children and having a child on my own was not on the cards for me, not a criticism of other people doing it, just not for me. I had/have a professional job but didn't care about it at all. My advice would be to meet people quickly, no point in endless messaging to find zero spark. I also was going to suggest Guardian Soulmates or the Times equivalent. Rule out anyone with no SOH, they can just make you feel incredibly low in a is this what it's come to sort of a way. Maybe suggest an active kind of date eg Bowling so if it's a dead loss you at least have had some fun! Definitely don't get too hung up about the cultural references, my DH (OLD worked for me, I got married at 39 and we have 3 DC) reads one book every 10 years and I could read 10 books in a week if I had the time but is clued up on financial matters and current affairs. Happy Birthday to you for tomorrow and good luck! I have a good feeling that your next birthday will be very different!

My darling dad who was married to my mum for 70 years believed it was crucial to have your own interests and shared interests too.

You don't have to be joined at the hip but there does have to be a common meeting point somewhere.

I think some posters here are taking the OP's wish list too an extreme.

She isn't saying IMO that Mr Right has to have identical interests, just that she is somehow seeing guys through OLD who she doesn't have much in common with.

(And I think that's because she isn't saying the right stuff in her profile.)

Guys tend not to read the small print in OLD profiles.

They skim read, like the photos and make contact.

OP you need to make it clear what your interests ARE in your profile, say these shared interests would be great but you aren't excluding someone who collects stamps or does Morris dancing just because you don't .