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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told me he’s been having an affair

307 replies

QueenBing · 15/08/2019 18:27

This morning at 4am my husband (cannot bring myself to use DH) told me that for the last 3 weeks he’s been having an affair with someone from work. We’ve been married for very nearly 11 years. 2 kids, 9 and 7. Lovely home. He’s only known her a couple of months but he thought he loved her after 3 weeks and was even thinking about leaving us to be with her. She’s also married with a child. We had a good talk and he says he wants to stay here, work at our marriage, he’ll do whatever it takes etc. I’m so angry, I can’t think straight.

I don’t want to break up our family, I know that much. I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage because he’s been a selfish prick but at the same time I have no clue how to start picking up the pieces. I’m broken.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 16/08/2019 06:50

He said he needed to tell me out of respect for me and I deserved to know.

Yeah right, he had unprotected sex with someone and now he wants to be respectful. I have no idea why he told you but respect was definitely not a reason.

As for being certain you now know everything, you can’t be because it’s been established that he is a good liar who has no qualms about prioritising himself.

ChippyPickledEggs · 16/08/2019 08:00

I think you need to take good stock of who your husband is. The very next day after this woman has got inappropriately and publicly drunk and has made a disclosure of domestic violence - that's the day your husband decides to text her to tell her he's been "thinking about her." A day when she's going to feel extremely embarrassed, vulnerable, scared at having possibly revealed too much and the consequences of that... that's the day your husband decides to go in for the kill.

I'm sorry but I think he's been predatory. I don't expect you to feel sorry for her - of course you must prioritise yourself. But you need to really open your eyes to what your husband has done here - both to you and to her. No wonder she was screaming down the phone. Perhaps she was counting on him being her ticket out of there.

Spotsandstars · 16/08/2019 08:13

It's also worth knowing that some women lie about their partners abusing them when it comes to affairs (just like men say how horrid the wife is when they aren't). I would bet money her DH didn't hit her, I've seen this before and given her behaviour I think it's classic white knight from your husband.

ShimmeryShiny · 16/08/2019 08:17

I think you should tell him to leave and get yourself some space. Make him suffer!

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2019 08:27

I don’t want to throw away 11 years of marriage
YOU haven't - HE has!
He's done this.
It is ALL down to him.
Please get yourself some headspace.
Could you go to a friend or family member and get some love and support?
Leave him to deal with the kids for a few days.
You NEED some space.

Breastfeedingworries · 16/08/2019 08:40

He needs to leave, pack his bags while he’s at work to Minimalise the scene. Explain you need space and he’s to leave quietly.

Then you can think! He can’t play House, helping buying flowers and trying to be Disney husband/Dad!

He put his himself into someone else! That’s with intend, and no respect for you. The hours in those hotels they spent cuddling, kissing having sex in all different positions. He won’t tell you about that will he, with all his honesty!

He told you three separate times, not about all the rude messages, thoughts of lust. Plus they didn’t have sex three times did they, they met up and had hours doing god knows what without a condom. Could be 3 times a visit!

Do you think they met, kissed nicely on the cheek and did neat missionary? Politely 3 times at 3 different hotels and no more?

Get him out while you get your ducks in a row and really decide if you can forgive and live like this! There’s every chance he could do this again! Angry

NomDeQwerty · 16/08/2019 08:53

He's a teacher. He will not be able to leave his current school before Christmas even if he resigns on the first day back. If he just walks, he'll be unlikely to get a decent reference and anyway Heads talk so he'd be extremely lucky to ge

NomDeQwerty · 16/08/2019 08:57

Sorry - to get another job within distance of his kids. At least that's how it would be here. OP will need maintenance if she divorces. So it's in her interests to stick with her plan and insist he finds something else asap. Supply agencies take a huge cut from teachers' salaries so that would be a poor option especially as he is contracted to the school until Christmas anyway.

NomDeQwerty · 16/08/2019 09:01

She's in an awful situation with this because if either of them cause issues at school, reputation has a long reach in teaching. He's shat on her in plenty of ways and this is one. They're all teachers and it's a safe bet that if they are in local schools it'll be the talk of the staff rooms soon enough.

Annonymiss123 · 16/08/2019 09:02

Apparently they talked about being together
After 3 weeks? Hmm
Hope you have someone to confide in in real life. Don't spare his feelings by letting others know his dirty secret.

Starlight2004 · 16/08/2019 09:07

Gosh I really feel for you OP, I'm not sure there's any coming back from this other than with professional help. For me I think the trust would be gone and the lack of respect would be too much. He could have her and all her issues and I would get on with my life without him and he could live with the regret.

Remember you deserve nothing but happiness and although it may be hard to pick up the pieces with the children now and imagine a different life but you could have a even better life. Thanks

Original poster
QueenBing · 16/08/2019 09:13

I’m still filled with rage and today my daughter has woken up with a chest infection so we’re off to the doctors in half an hour. (She’s got asthma and chest infections come on really quickly.) She is my priority today.
His school is a college so they only need a month’s notice so that’s fine.

OP posts:
NomDeQwerty · 16/08/2019 09:15

Rage is good. It can move you forward rather than keep you stuck. I hope your DD bounces back quickly.

dottiedodah · 16/08/2019 09:22

I hate to say this but I think the Affair had been going on quite a bit longer than 3 weeks TBH. If he was taking DC to meet her and her daughter then there was a lot more to it .Can you go to your parents do you think?(just for a few days ).You are in a state of shock ATM so try to take just 1 hour at a time ,and not think about the future yet. Big hug to you xx

ballsdeep · 16/08/2019 09:27

I'm sorry about this op. He sounds horrible and was talking about giving up your life together, children, house, family, everything for THREE weeks? I'm sorry but I think he's pulling the wool over your eyes.
It's horrible to say but I wouldn't be surprised if she has lied about abuse to get your oh to feel for her.. It doesn't excuse him one bit. He is still a snake. Hope your lo feels better

Horehound · 16/08/2019 09:28

I'm inclined to agree @dottiedodah

Pinkmonkeybird · 16/08/2019 09:29

@QueenBing So sorry to read all this. I can imagine how devastated you feel.

I can't add much to what the others have said, but can understand it may be more complicated than just kicking him out. Nobody will understand the dynamic of how this affair escalated so quickly, but I'd also be skeptical of her DH being abusive. Sounds like classic damsel in distress stuff to be honest and as some of the others have pointed out..he went in full knight in shining armour mode. I had this with my ex and his OW (also both working in a school Hmm), she was spinning him all sorts of things which turned out to be utter bollocks (as confirmed by other work colleagues). However, I left them to it and they are still together, but apparently the shine is wearing off 10 months on.

It does sound like your H is very remorseful by coming clean and wanting to rectify things. Not many do that! Only you can decide whether to carry on in this situation. But it will take an awful lot of building up with relationship counselling, transparency, moving job and a LOT of time. One of my good friends and her DH managed to get through it and 13 years on they are fine.

Wishing you the best of luck with all this and hope your DD gets better soon. xx

SleightOfMind · 16/08/2019 09:35

I’m so sorry Queen. This is awful.
Once your daughter is feeling better, could you have a few days away yourself and leave him to hold the fort while you’re gone?

It sounds like you need some space to think about what you want to do, which will be impossible while keeping a brave face on for the DC.

notapizzaeater · 16/08/2019 09:43

You need space to decide what Yuit want to do, not what he wants. Have you RL support ?

washyourface · 16/08/2019 09:49

If you're both teachers and on summer hols then I would take the money saved for your break away (that he's been using for his meet ups) and go stay somewhere for a week. Without the kids.
Or even if u go stay at family's. You need some space. Him sleeping on the sofa isn't going to give u the breathing room u need

pnppr · 16/08/2019 09:57

He is disgusting for what he's done.

However, I would take relief in his admittance. He wasn't forced, he just didn't want to lie to you. It means that there's the opportunity to rebuild trust as you wouldn't need to be too concerned about him lying behind your back.

I really think that if you want to, you could make this work as long as he puts in the effort.

My DP is a teacher so my understanding is that you need a term's notice to quit - will this be doable though? A whole term around this woman would be awful. The alternative would be telling the Head who would probably make an allowance.

Xenadog · 16/08/2019 09:57

OP, you and your children are the priority obviously so have some time to figure out what you want to happen next. I would suggest you have some time away for him and speak to family and friends. Let them look after and support you. Could you stay with someone for a couple of nights?

Do his family know what he has done? I think he needs to face the consequences of his behaviour and this would be part of that.

Finally, I would tell the husband. His behaviour is not your responsibility but surely he should know his wife has been shagging around behind his back?

You didn’t deserve this to happen to you, OP and I am sorry you are going through this.

mossmurray · 16/08/2019 10:06

I'm so sorry you're having I deal with this Op.

Please don't believe that anything he is doing he's doing for you. He fell in "love" with someone else within 3 weeks, that was for him, he chose to have unprotected sex with someone else, that was for him, he chose to tell you in the middle of the night, that was for him.

You say you've told him to find another job, if it was me I'd want to see what he chose what to do to be able to see what I am dealing with. By you telling him what do to does not mean you're in charge, you making your own decisions on his actions gives you the upper hand.

I am honestly not one of the LTB brigade and if you want to work this out for you and your DC's that is 100% the correct decision for you but please don't believe he is doing anything for you

FredaNerkk · 16/08/2019 10:21

I'm another who thinks it has been going on longer than 3 weeks; if not full blown sex, it will have been building up with various sorts of flirting. Otherwise its completely improbable that she would choose your house and your husband to turn up to when she was drunk and upset, and that they would have sex the next day.

Like another poster said, you are kidding yourself if you think he betrayed you a mere 3 times in three weeks. It was 10,000s of times. All the minutes of the days when he knew but didn't tell you, but actually thought about his past encounters in staff room, corridor, hotel, etc and planned his next hotel encounter. Not to mention all the time he spent thinking about her at work.

I could imagine patching things up for the next 2-3 years. I would trust him to be on good behaviour for that long. But doubts and distrust would surface after that, particularly if there was any stress on our relationship.

whattodowith · 16/08/2019 10:31

His story doesn’t quite add up to me. You said ‘fucking the hairdressing teacher’ so I’m assuming she works in a completely different department to him. How big is the school? I work in a college and have almost no interaction with tutors from other departments. The college is just so vast, the only tutors I correspond with outside of the English department are ones who share pupils with me. How on Earth did he come to interact with her in the first place to the extent she was in your home getting drunk two months after he started the job?

I would be extremely suspicious about his story. Waking you up at 4am to clear his guilty conscience is disgraceful too. Introducing your children to her just goes above and beyond callous really...

I’m not you but if I were, my husband would be out I’m afraid. We have children but I just couldn’t deal with this level of betrayal. Your DH needs serious consequences, sleeping on the sofa and receiving silent treatment for a few days/weeks isn’t sufficient.

He won’t be able to leave his post straight away either so there will undoubtedly be a few months of him working in close proximity to her...