Demise of marriage? Feelings turned by one conversation!

[Freetodowhatiwant]

I don’t really know where to start. I have been with DH for almost 20 years and married for almost 10. We had a lot of fun for the 10 years prior to getting married – travelling and plenty of going out. I’ve been with him since age 25 and am now 45. He is 11 years older but this isn’t an issue, he’s very youthful in many ways. We have two children aged 7 and 4.

Our relationship has many positive aspects – when we have time to hang around together we laugh and share the similar interests. There are no significant domestic issues in terms of housework and cooking. He used to do much more than me pre-kids and now I do probably more as I am at home more (work from home). The house is a bit of a mess but this is because of the kids and we both try our best so that’s not a huge issue even though there is the occasional argument about this I think it's normal.

To my friends who’ve moaned about their partners for other reasons (two have DHs who don’t do anything around the house) I have always said that mine and DH’s relationship is 80% good, not perfect but enough to keep us together.

Herein lies the problem though. The 20% bad has been his anger issues. He had had them from the beginning. Most of the males in his family had the same issues. He often gets angry for no reason. Getting ready in the morning is a particular issue. He will shout and stomp around and if the anger is directed at me can sometimes seriously intimidate me. He has never hit me but he has loomed over me many times and his face and body are terrifying. He’s 6ft and I’m 5.5ft so he has a height and physical presence that can scare me. There have been times this has happened in front of the children and the children and I have all been hugging and waiting until it passes. He’s a mental health professional (I know) so there are times when he has been able to keep this under control for a while (taking St John’s Wort helps) but there have been many times when he is angry and I feel like I am treading on egg shells. Sometimes this has been on a daily basis, particularly for a few hours in the morning, and has ruined a good part of the day. He is always sorry afterwards and he knows he is out of order. I am not perfect of course, but I am just focusing on DH’s anger issues. I am by nature, I think, quite a happy person but when he has one of these angry episodes it really plunges my mood.

Here’s the weirdest thing. In January he had two angry mornings in a row, nothing out of the ordinary, and on the second morning something just clicked inside me and I suddenly thought ‘I cant do this for the rest of my life’. My mood plunged and I entered a low depression from which I didn’t emerge for a couple of months and to be honest it is still bubbling under the surface and although I am carrying on with life as normal I am still quite emotional. This is very very unusual for me as I usually brush things off but it was like all the angry episodes over the 19 years we had been together just built up into one homogenous mass that has eaten away at me.

Whilst I have been thinking about an alternative future it has also given me feelings - unrelated to his anger issues - about whether I want to be with him for another 20+ years. It now just all feels like an awful long time. I have told him all this and we have had a couple of conversations about our future. The thing is since telling him how my feelings have changed for him he has kept an incredibly good check on his moods, not perfect but I am not saying I am either. But my low feelings and doubt about whether I can be with him for the rest of my life haven’t changed though and I find myself trawling the boards here trying to find some solution, researching divorce, researching people who have stayed together and not really knowing wtf to do.

It’s like I am in a quiet crisis, carrying on with day to day activities and life. We are abroad for the summer and he has gone back to the UK to work for a couple of weeks and I haven’t really yet missed him. This upsets me because like I said the 80% that was good meant we had fun together. We are lucky enough to have family to babysit and we can often go out. But the fact is I can’t seem to get over the build up of angry moods and a huge part of me feels the pull of freedom seems more and more attractive. I have emotionally checked out of the relationship and I don't know how to get back or if I want to. I can tell he knows this and he is trying his best but it isn’t making a difference at the moment. The thought however of tearing our family apart is also terrifying. I just don’t know what to do.

If you have got this far, well done! Any thoughts would be amazing.

Been debating whether to update this thread or not but I feel it could actually double as a log of proceedings too if needed. I posted in August about not knowing what to do, feeling that I had grown detached from my husband and couldn't fancy him anymore, mainly because (although we have a nice friendship and I enjoy spending time with him) of his regular bursts of anger and how these had built up inside me over the years. It is now exactly a year since I first realised I didn't know if I could put up with this for the rest of my life, it was strange but it just happened after two mornings of bad moods for no reason in a row and something inside me just clicked.

I've managed to tell him that my feelings have changed and he was aware we needed to work on things but not to the full extent. Eventually managed to tell him properly how I felt, this was a few weeks before Christmas when he wanted to have sex with me and I just couldn't do it. Before now I have managed to get on with it, awful as it sounds. Since then (and indeed before then really, having been told some of my feelings over the months but not the full extent) he has been wonderfully anger-free. He says he loves me very much and is broken that I would consider separating. He realises that his anger has led to this and also some level of controlling behaviour and he is now being his very best self. Life has been nice together and it has really made me doubt breaking up the family.

Unfortunately on NYE him being his 'best self' came to a crashing end. We had an stupid drunken argument when we were out and came home not speaking to each other. On our way in the house he accidentally cut his hand on a broken door handle and I guess I was unsympathetic as we had had an argument and I just walked up stairs ignoring the fact he was bleeding.

I was upstairs getting ready for bed when completely by surprise he accosted me in the bathroom, pushing the bloody hand into my face and mouth, forcing me down onto the tiled floor by my head and then standing on the side of my head and rubbing the soul of his shoe against my head so hard that it cut the skin on my lower eye socket/cheek and I had a black eye for a week. My mum was there sleeping in the children's room and came running out and it was just shocking and really really awful.

I'm not sure why I didn't call the police but my mum and I shut ourselves into the bedroom with the children and I confided in her more of what had been happening.

Just to be clear, over the 20 years we have been together there have been his anger outbursts but 'only' two or three times there has been actual physical repercussions and this has been more like throwing things something at me when I have been cowered in a corner. Gosh writing it down now I realise how it all sounds. But this was unprecedented.

So I haven't got angry and I haven't called the police (it was 8 days ago now and we were abroad at the time) but I did say the next day that enough is enough and I want to separate. He is absolutely devastated and really wants to try his best for us to stay together. The weird thing is I haven't made a big deal out of the bathroom incident, just that the anger over the years has got to me and I have had enough. I should be making a bit more of a fuss about the bathroom incident I realise. I am not sure why I am not getting angry. I was certainly physically hurt and got headaches for a week afterwards (I don't generally get headaches) and had had to explain the black eye to people. I've been jumpy when he comes into the room (reminds me of a time when we had been together for 5 years and he was at his angriest) and have been a nervous wreck. But on the surface I have been acting normally, we even went out one night with friends when away still, dancing and laughing and getting on. I was actually scared that night spending the night on my own in the house with him when the DC were with the GPs. I told him this and he was devastated about it. Nevertheless I slept in the empty DCs room and put a piece of furniture in front of the door. It feels awful to be scared of him. I think it is wearing off now but still, I realise that having done this once even though he is completely mortified and full of regret the old adage is he could do it again.

We have come back home to England and the plan (well, MY plan) is to separate soon when we sell the house and move to another town and buy two properties instead of one. But he keeps trying to convince me to get back together. Moreover I am thinking about what it would do to the kids (7 and 5) to break up the family and I feel awful. It's like it's my fault now because I am calm and not kicking off about the bathroom incident and I am the one who is suggesting breaking up the family. I DO want to separate, I really think I do, but he is being so wonderful and so wants it to work and it's the very big deal of breaking up the family and what that will cost everyone emotionally, financially, practically and more.

I don't really know what I want to say or ask. Just give an update I guess. I know that as someone reading this I would immediately say LTB.

Free you have to leave him, if his foot had been any lower he could have choked you to death. This kind of assault is truly awful and any relationship where this is a possibility is not a healthy one for your children to be part of. Please please make moves to leave, you cannot stay with him. The children will have a far happier upbringing with a living and happy mother who isn't in fear of their father on a daily basis.

I'm so sorry this happened you.

From looking at previous posts, someone already pointed out what I was going to say:

The other thing is that as soon as he knows you have settled down again and thinks you are no longer contemplating ending the marriage over this, his ‘issues’ will start back up again. Deep down you probably know this.

He got complacent and let the anger back out. It escalated. I'm sure you already know this is the end and there's no going back.

Hand hold.......

OP, you are doing the right thing, you really are. I was once that cowering frightened child. My dad's anger outbursts domitated my and my sisters' childhoods and has cast a long shadow into all our adult lives. It wasn't "that bad" compared to many stories I have read on here, but it was bad enough. I still have awful memories of episodes that happened when I was younger than your children are now. You need to protect them. My mother didn't and I still feel anger towards her for that.

Moreover I am thinking about what it would do to the kids (7 and 5) to break up the family and I feel awful

Think of what it would do to your kids to spend their entire childhoods at the mercy of this violent man, always walking on eggshells, never really being able to relax or feel safe, and worst of all thinking it's normal to live this way and be treated like this.

You're "calm" because you're traumatised from years and years of abuse. Which in turn has skewed your sense of how awful this is and whose fault it is.

The fact that he can pretend to be nice for periods of times just shows that he is in control and manufacturing his rage to control you. Hurting you is a choice he is making, and so is terrorising his children.

Have you had a chance to do the Freedom Programme course? It might help you set things out clearly in your mind. It also covers the impact of living in a home like this on children and how they recover once the abuser is removed.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Stay strong.

He's not the first or last abusive man to pretend to be devastated and promise the earth when he realises he's about to lose control of his target. It's all about having power over you, so whichever tactic works is what they use...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

The one thing that strikes me us how much you have minimalised and normalised this very abusive marriage.

Please,please leave. What did your mother say?

It could so easily have been over .

Your latest update makes it plain that this man is a risk to you.
Staying with him sounds a very unsafe idea and in addition sets a terrible example to your dc about relationships.
Leaving is the only sensible option that you have.

It doesn't sound like you are breaking up your marriage. It sounds like the marriage has broken already and to divorce would just be legally matching what has happened emotionally. You don't bear the responsibility of this. You deserve to be free of the fear and to be a Mum to your DC in peace and happiness.

This is an extremely serious incident of physical abuse. He was literally standing on your face.

It’s alarming that you have compartmentalised this and seem very calm in the days after it - and I don’t mean that as a dig at you, more an observation of how normalised this anger of his has become for you. It’s not normal, not in the slightest.

He can be as devastated as he wants over his own choices. That does not mean he won’t repeat them again in future, which he likely will given the track records of most abusers.

You and your kids’ safety is paramount. It takes priority above keeping the ‘family unit’ together and everything else. He can’t control his anger, and the next time this could be worse. You need to get yourself out of there.

this is very shocking and disturbing, dont ever trust him again, make a plan to protect yourself, I'm so sorry OP:(

@Freetodowhatiwant

It is definitely abuse; but you know that. He cannot blame "his family" for the way he is. He is grown up and capable of making a choice.

One thing that interests me is that he has troubles in the morning. Is there any obvious reason why? There are practical steps that you/he can take. Earlier bedtimes? Shower and shave before bed? Breakfast "sorted" the evening before.

I am a great believer in "Relate". The possible hitch is that - in general - you do not get to choose a particular counsellor

But this was unprecedented
it's very disturbing and your freeze reaction is an instinctive 'play dead until the danger is over' thing, it's part of the fight/flight response, which should more properly be called fight flight or freeze.
He became furious because you offered no sympathy for his cut hand and he escalated very quickly, this is his 'animal self' warning you that if you disrespect him again there will be severe consequences.
You must act to protect yourself

Good god, how terrifying. What is your mum saying about what she witnessed? Surely you know you must leave him for your own safety and that of your kids.

Relate?!
she needs a restraining order, not fucking relate!

Hi OP, I had a similar experience to yours last year, DH gambled away over £20,000. I couldn't even speak to him and spent my time crying, angry and generally not communicating with him. After his confession he felt better about his deception, it made me feel shit, I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay with him, even whether I still loved him.
I went for counselling, which did help me, he refused to go! I sat down with him and explained exactly how his actions had affected me, he has made promises. I realised that I did still love him, but our relationship had changed, if anything ever happens in the future, I will end it, and I think he knows this.

Just read your update, ignore what I said

suggesting I have counselling on my own

!!!!!

Why do you need individual counselling when it's not who storms around the house foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal

You're a fucking saint for putting up with it as long as you have.

Please contact women aid. They give fantastic advice and it is confidential. I contacted them when I was with my abusive ex husband who sounds very similar to your husband. He was rarely physically abusive but in the end his behaviour did escalate.

I am disgusted he is a mental health professional and someone like that should not hold that level of 'power'. I hope if he does attack you again, and it is likely at this point that you contact the police.

The end of an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for an woman so please seek advice and be careful.

He gave you a black eye. Read that back over and over. That’s not marriage, it’s abuse. You’re taking on all of the guilt for ending the marriage but you KNOW it’s his fault. He ended it the moment he brought in physical violence. You had to sleep with a piece of furniture in front of the door! This is not normal. You have to get out. The next time he could kill you. Your kids will cope with a divorce. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to give them this fake happy marriage. Imagine what damage it’s going to do when they find out all of this when they are adults if you do nothing. My friend won’t have anything to do with her mother now because she did nothing about ending a toxic/abusive/unhappy marriage. Do you want your kids to hate you? Then show them some guts. Stand up and be a role model and say “it’s not acceptable. I’m worth more than this and look kids, this is how you protect yourself. If somebody abuses you, you leave them”
You cannot stay after this. You seem to be stuck in some sort of Stockholm syndrome. What’s stopping you from splitting?

What a dreadful man. He uses his anger to terrify you and the kids because he fucking loves doing it. He loves being powerful. He loved standing on your head. He is a bit sorry now because of possible consequences but he chooses just how angry to be and with whom, because he loves doing it. He got a bit carried away with the standing on your head because he was enjoying it so much. You know he is a terrible risk to you and the kids.

You really should consider reporting it because he shouldn’t be working with vulnerable people.

Don't let him keep manipulating you like this.

Your children have cowered with you in fear of this man's temper. That is why you are leaving.

He can control it, he chooses not to- who else has he assaulted? no one? there we go,

If he was any kind of decent man he would have taken himself away to protect you.

If I was in a towering temper and at risk of hurting someone, I'd shut myself away, go for a long walk, whatever it took to protect my family from me. I wouldn't beg them to stay with me.

Take your DCs and leave. And report him immediately.