Demise of marriage? Feelings turned by one conversation!

[Freetodowhatiwant]

I don’t really know where to start. I have been with DH for almost 20 years and married for almost 10. We had a lot of fun for the 10 years prior to getting married – travelling and plenty of going out. I’ve been with him since age 25 and am now 45. He is 11 years older but this isn’t an issue, he’s very youthful in many ways. We have two children aged 7 and 4.

Our relationship has many positive aspects – when we have time to hang around together we laugh and share the similar interests. There are no significant domestic issues in terms of housework and cooking. He used to do much more than me pre-kids and now I do probably more as I am at home more (work from home). The house is a bit of a mess but this is because of the kids and we both try our best so that’s not a huge issue even though there is the occasional argument about this I think it's normal.

To my friends who’ve moaned about their partners for other reasons (two have DHs who don’t do anything around the house) I have always said that mine and DH’s relationship is 80% good, not perfect but enough to keep us together.

Herein lies the problem though. The 20% bad has been his anger issues. He had had them from the beginning. Most of the males in his family had the same issues. He often gets angry for no reason. Getting ready in the morning is a particular issue. He will shout and stomp around and if the anger is directed at me can sometimes seriously intimidate me. He has never hit me but he has loomed over me many times and his face and body are terrifying. He’s 6ft and I’m 5.5ft so he has a height and physical presence that can scare me. There have been times this has happened in front of the children and the children and I have all been hugging and waiting until it passes. He’s a mental health professional (I know) so there are times when he has been able to keep this under control for a while (taking St John’s Wort helps) but there have been many times when he is angry and I feel like I am treading on egg shells. Sometimes this has been on a daily basis, particularly for a few hours in the morning, and has ruined a good part of the day. He is always sorry afterwards and he knows he is out of order. I am not perfect of course, but I am just focusing on DH’s anger issues. I am by nature, I think, quite a happy person but when he has one of these angry episodes it really plunges my mood.

Here’s the weirdest thing. In January he had two angry mornings in a row, nothing out of the ordinary, and on the second morning something just clicked inside me and I suddenly thought ‘I cant do this for the rest of my life’. My mood plunged and I entered a low depression from which I didn’t emerge for a couple of months and to be honest it is still bubbling under the surface and although I am carrying on with life as normal I am still quite emotional. This is very very unusual for me as I usually brush things off but it was like all the angry episodes over the 19 years we had been together just built up into one homogenous mass that has eaten away at me.

Whilst I have been thinking about an alternative future it has also given me feelings - unrelated to his anger issues - about whether I want to be with him for another 20+ years. It now just all feels like an awful long time. I have told him all this and we have had a couple of conversations about our future. The thing is since telling him how my feelings have changed for him he has kept an incredibly good check on his moods, not perfect but I am not saying I am either. But my low feelings and doubt about whether I can be with him for the rest of my life haven’t changed though and I find myself trawling the boards here trying to find some solution, researching divorce, researching people who have stayed together and not really knowing wtf to do.

It’s like I am in a quiet crisis, carrying on with day to day activities and life. We are abroad for the summer and he has gone back to the UK to work for a couple of weeks and I haven’t really yet missed him. This upsets me because like I said the 80% that was good meant we had fun together. We are lucky enough to have family to babysit and we can often go out. But the fact is I can’t seem to get over the build up of angry moods and a huge part of me feels the pull of freedom seems more and more attractive. I have emotionally checked out of the relationship and I don't know how to get back or if I want to. I can tell he knows this and he is trying his best but it isn’t making a difference at the moment. The thought however of tearing our family apart is also terrifying. I just don’t know what to do.

If you have got this far, well done! Any thoughts would be amazing.

OP, if he will do that to you when your mum is there, think what he could do when you’re alone. Nobody should live like this, please please leave.

@riotlady I was thinking the same thing. Imagine if your mum hadn’t been there. He’s ‘remorseful’ now because he knows it’ll get him what he wants. And now he’s done something as bad as standing on your face it could and will get worse. Imagine if it had been a bit lower and been your neck. Or mouth. Standing on someone’s face is so horrific.

Also, OP, it’s not you breaking up the marriage. It’s him. He’s breaking up the family. His behaviour.

What lies did you tell your children about the black eye? How did you, your mum and your husband agree upon the lie to be told? Have you all told the same lies to everyone?

What would you do if someone were suspicious? What would you do if one of the children expressed suspicion to a teacher? Have you taught the children not to talk about their experience of seeing daddy's angry outbursts? No seeking out support from teachers kiddos: just "shhhhhh, daddy was a bit cross that's all".

What will happen when they start comparing notes with their friends about what it is like in our house? Have you got more lies lined up for teacher, for friends, for social services? What lies will you tell other family members if your mum turns to them for support?

Your poor mum must be in a state, imagine witnessing that happening to your daughter and then witnessing her staying for more and lying to everyone around her. Imagine your daughter then asks you to help cover up the attack on her, to lie about it?

it's the very big deal of breaking up the family and what that will cost everyone emotionally, financially, practically and more What's the cost of staying? To your children, to you, to your mum.

As we often say in my work: "How would you explain your actions at the public enquiry / to the police / to social services if it happened again and people knew it was not the first time?"

What did you tell people about your black eye?

And what did he tell them?

I suggest not overthinking it.

Go see a solicitor. Find one with experience of domestic violence. Tell yourself you are just fact finding and can back out if you want. Don't tell him. Just start planning your exit. Be grey rock with him.

What the others said- please leave!

My dad was prone to angry outbursts- we walked on eggshells. It's profoundly damaging to children's lifelong mental health. It's left me with anxiety issues which have been part of my inability to work.

It's also effected my ability to form conventional long term relationships, because I never, ever, will live with someone and be at the mercy of someone else's moods once again. In my own space I can completely chill out. Hurrah!

Could you bring yourself to tell a close friend how you really got the black eye?

Could you tell your mum you are OK with her talking to people about it, seeing as she will need psychological support from others herself?

How scared are you of people knowing what he did to you?

The thing is since telling him how my feelings have changed for him he has kept an incredibly good check on his moods

Can you not see how chilling this is? He has been choosing to do this to you. He has been choosing to terrorise you. When he could actually control himself all along?

Again OP, I beg you to ask yourself what it will take for you to do the right thing here. He has now beaten you. He left marks on you. He's traumatized your mother, he's ruining your children's emotional lives.

What will it take?

Oh God OP. This is an escalation. Apart from that, nothing has changed, and nothing for the better. You’re scared, you’re living on edge. It’s not good for you or your children to be in this. Free all of you from it and live a good life - tell him to get the hell out.

Dear OP, actually finding it difficult to find the words to express my thoughts. He assaulted you. And not just in any old physical way. There’s something primeval about shoving his bloodied hand in your mouth (WTF???) and literally stomping you underfoot? That’s a brutal way of asserting control over you, of making you feel small, of violating you. As a PP stated, it is not an anger issue if he can control himself with everyone but you. It’s ABUSE. It seems to have been emotional/psychological until this point, but a line has been crossed now. How can you ever trust that this will not happen again? Well, you can’t. Your mother was present FFS. He could have killed you. Read that again. He could have left you brain damaged. Read that again too. And get out of there as fast as you can. It’s not worth the risk. I am sure your family will support you as much as they can, and please get professional advice regarding the children. I would not be happy for them to be in his care after this development. And neither should he be a MH professional. He needs help himself.
I am so so sorry. Please be strong for yourself and DCs.

he is completely mortified and full of regret
What has he done about it? Reported this mental breakdown to his work? Asked them for help? Seen the doctor? Moved out? Spoken to his friends about what he did? What actions has he taken to change himself given he is so full of regret and mortification?

If I had gone crazy and seriously physically hurt someone I were close to then I'd be seeking every drug, therapy, advisor, friend going to help me ensure this never ever happens again. I'd do a Bruce Banner and leave to protect my loved ones until I knew I was safe.

Has he done anything?

Has alcohol crossed his lips since he beat you up after drinking? I'd have gone teetotal immediately. Has he?

I wouod add to stop talking to him about how you are feeling, that you want to get divorced etc...

You need to keep your cards much closer to your chest. Because he is going to use that against you BIG TIME.

OP the next time he could kill you. Then your darling dcs will be devastated and left with him.

It is he who has broken the marriage, the family. You need to save yourself and your children.

Contact Women's Aid and/or tell your mum Everything.

please, please leave.

OP please don't dismiss how horrified we all are by what's happening to you. I know some of what's happening almost feels 'normal' to you but we're reacting this way to what you're telling us for a reason, it's abuse, real, awful, serious abuse.

Take your babies and get away from this man, however you can as long as it's safe. He's dangerous, and that danger increases when he knows he's losing control over you so you either need to just go, abruptly and with no warning or you need to work out a safe plan with Women's Aid.

The main 24 hour helpline is hard to get through to because they're so busy so if you struggle scroll down this link til you get to 'search by region or local authority' and enter your area, it will give you details of your local DV services. They're not usually 24 hours but are easier to get through to during opening hours www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

I'm so sorry. You have to leave him. This will only escalate now. Read up on cycles of abuse - this bit where he's being nice is the 'hoovering' bit. They do something horribly abusive, then they're full of remorse and regret and swear blind they'll never do it again. He will though, and it'll get worse each time, I promise you that.

It's not you breaking up the family. He did that

This is so sad, he can control himself but usually doesn't bother than lashes out you with such horrific violence.

I'm sure you don't want this for your DC when they are adults so don't expose it as normal to them now otherwise they will most likely choose it, unhealthy toxic relationships with a whole heap of anger going on.

Moreover I am thinking about what it would do to the kids (7 and 5) to break up the family and I feel awful

No you're not. You're not thinking about your children AT ALL. You are thinking totally about yourself.

Would you live your children with a stranger who behaved like that? And yet you are prepared to allow your children to live in an environment like that because you can't move past your need to think he's actually 80% wonderful and what other fears of being divorced that you don't have the courage to face up to.

Reading your post made my blood boil. My mother stayed with my father who was like this. For a long time I believed her when she said she only stayed for me and my sister. I know realised she stayed because she lacked the courage to be divorced. And it has caused my sister and I immense long lasting damage.

He is obviously a horrific abusive man. But I think there is a point at which a mother becomes as culpable as the father in the damage it does to the children and you are well past that point.

Your only priority should be protecting your young and vulnerable children. You are failing to do that now. That is inexcusable.

In summary. The only question you should be asking is - is this damaging my children?

The answer is very clearly yes. So you do what you have to do to protect them.

Imagine how a 4 year old and a 7 year old are feeling having watched their mother tell there grandmother about this whilst cowering in a room - and then the same week they go out having fun at parties. This is seriously fucking your children up. Believe me on that.

He might be mortified, he might be very sorry, he might be a great guy in many ways, he might be angry and violent because he's depressed or brain damaged none of that matters because it is perfectly clear there are times when he can't control himself - you have to separate for your own sake the sake of your children. Oh and it's not you that's breaking up the family.

Think about your children. What if he snaps during one of these angry episodes and murders you? What will happen to them?

Ring the police, report it and get help getting away. If you are scared of him imagine how scared your poor, poor children are.

I'd also try and stop him seeing them, as controlling men sometimes kill themselves and their children to punish the woman. Just because he works in mental health doesn't mean he won't do terrible things.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s not right. And it’s not your fault. Not right. Not your fault. I think the calm you may be experiencing is not real calm as in things are ok really, I think it’s a kind of shock and freeze response. He could not control himself. You have no idea when that will happen again. He might kill you next time. He might be terrified but not devastated. He’s probably waiting to see whether you will do what you know you should do. Report him to the police for a violent assault and start divorce proceedings. My mum left her husband because he was cruel to her. I’m so glad she did. I never once thought she had broken up the family. That’s on the person being abusive. Good luck. MN is here for you.

OP I have been where you are now with a very similar man. I totally understand about the compartmentalising of the bad bits so you don't have to recognise them or think about them, but ultimately you can't continue with that.

If your H is truly devastated about the way he behaved then he will understand that you can't live with him any more because what he did was unforgivable.

Except that you and I both know that actually when you say you want to leave you will be scared he will flip out again so ultimately you know he is not devastated, just an entitled manipulative thug. If a stranger had done that to you would you have reported it to the police? Then why is it OK for the person who is supposed to love you to do that?

Keep your head low, get your ducks in a row to sell your house and leave without telling him anything more. At the point you leave you must, for your own safety go no contact with him and ask for a non molestation order. I'd ask your solicitor about supervised contact for the DC too - that is if they want to see him.

You are not breaking up the family. He has done that. No one could or should live with a man like this.

Project forward 30 years and you were reading these posts - and it was your daughter writing them, what would you want her to do?

Also I know this must be awful reading through this, and what you have to face so hard, but please take the advice of people like FGSJoan and Jones about how to get out safely - things often seem to escalate dangerously when the abuser knows you want to go.