Don't know if he is abusive. Head a mess.

[JoannaCuppa]

Hi. I am currently on my first holiday with new DP and my DD. We have been together over a year but don't live together.

I feel really anxious all the time and can't understand what is happening. My DP and I fell for each other very quickly. He seemed literally everything that I ever wanted. But who he is being now, sometimes, just isn't tallying with that.

He is being very quiet, but maintaining nothing is wrong. His tone of voice when talking to both me and DD can sound really harsh and "off".

He is drinking a bottle and a half of wine a night, which is normal for him at weekends and holidays (the only times I see him), but then gets really cross in bed when I ask him to roll over because he is snoring. I have ended up sleeping in my DD's bed with her as I can't get any sleep with him. I have told him but he just keeps drinking.

He is really skint at the moment for reasons beyond his control. I have paid for the holiday, most of the petrol, meals out, and he pays for much less as he physically doesn't have it. Fine. Except he is buying wine every day so he can afford that. I feel he is taking the piss.

My DD has gone from adoring him to feeling a bit scared of him. She is afraid to say anything negative to him because he "looks grumpy". He does have "resting grump face" which he can't help, and his default look is mild fury. However, I obviously can't have my daughter scared. She has ASD and manages really well, but does struggle sometimes. I don't want to blame him for things like his face which he can't control, but nor do I want her scared. So I don't know where the balance lies.

It sounds silly and small, considering he does all the cooking and has looked after me and DD well as I have had a chronic illness flare whilst we are here, but he is so very messy. He cooks and I tidy, but the kitchen looks like a poltergeist has hit it. I don't feel I can say much as he has cooked but it is mad how messy it is. He also insists on eating pretty late but DD needs to eat earlier. He is happy to feed her around the time he used to feed his DDs, about 7, but mine needs her dinner around 6. I keep telling him but it just isn't his default yet.

Oh, and he reversed his car twice into other cars whilst we have been away. Now admittedly the parking sensors glitched and didnt go off, but I have now remembered that he had drunk a bottle.of wine and a third of a 70cl bottle of rum the day before. He didnt drive until the following afternoon. Would he have been clear of alcohol by then or not? I don't really drink so have no idea, though obviously wouldn't have let him drive if he had driven within a few hours of drinking. It just didn't occur to me until afterwards.

I am wondering where the perfect man I met has gone. He isn't tactile at all with me now, hasn't instigated sex as he has been collapsing into bed sozzled.

He maintains he isn't an alcoholic, but I am no longer sure.

I can't think straight because who he is seems so at odds with who he was for a long time. Am I being too picky and critical? Have I lost perspective? He always seems vaguely cross with DD and I and it doesn't feel comfortable.

Sorry for the length. Please help but be gentle. I am really confused. My primary concern is for DD. She can be naughty and her dad is crap at discipline, and I know DP feels annoyed at her attitude sometimes but says little. On the othet hand, she is my DD and has to come first.

My DD has gone from adoring him to feeling a bit scared of him.

I didn't read any further than this. End the relationship ASAP. Your DD deserves to feel safe and secure around the adults she sees regularly. Put her first

^ this 100%

I assume you don’t live together as you say you only see him weekends and holidays?

In which case get through the holiday if you have to and then end things. He is now showing you the real him. A grump with an alcohol problem. Both you and your dd deserve better.

He doesn’t sound abusive particularly, just a selfish idiot who sees your child as unwanted baggage. Somebody doesn’t have to be abusive for you to justify dumping them, you know. He’s clearly had his honeymoon mask on and now he has to spend all day every day with you and a kid, he’s showing his true self.

Just reread that you don’t live together. Excellent. Much easier to deal with a breakup in that case.

Thanks Bouncing. I hear what you are saying. Did you read the bit about WHY though. A big bit of it is because of his face, which he can't help.

It doesn't matter if he's abusive or not. You are allowed to end a relationship for any reason. You feeling uncomfortable around him is a reason. Your DD feeling uncomfortable around him is a major reason. Ice heard the Freedom Project recommended on MN. It might be helpful to you.

How long more of the holiday have you got left?

Just the fact that your DC has concerns about him should be enough to make you run for the hills. Glimpse of your future here OP

So what his face.

Read the rest of your OP again. Too much booze. No money. Messy. Grumpy. Lazy. Snoring. Angry. Potentially drunk driving , definitely careless driving. Frightening your DD. Undercurrent of menace in his speech. Insisting on his way (re meal times).

His face is the least of his worries

Have I lost perspective?
Yes - you are pussy footing around this.
Stop it.
Tell him what you have told us.
That you want the loving, caring man back, right now, or he can fuck off home.
You won't have your DD being scared of him and you hate the atmosphere he is creating on a holiday that YOU paid for and you won't accept any more of it.

He is probably an alcoholic.
If he claims he is not then ask him to prove it.
Tell him you want to see the man he was, for the rest of the day and that means no alcohol.
I bet he can't do it.

Are you holidaying in the UK?
Can you get home?
Can you send him home?
Your DD deserves a lovely holiday and he is ruining it.
Don't allow him to carry on in this vein.
You do some cooking if you can and prepare it ready for the time you want your DD to eat.

But please stop letting him ruin your holiday.
What has he said about his moodiness when you've asked about it?

Sorry, lots of cross posts there so thank you to everyone.

If dumping him is the best thing for DD, I shall obviously do it.

It is very hard to unlock from the inside because DDs ASD means she does come across as rude sometimes. However, she also can be rude in a way that is neurotypical. DP is obviously then annoyed with her but doesn't show it (he would never shout at her or anything), and I am knackered having to "explain" the two of them to each other. DP has spotted some really good points re what helps DD, and just wants her to be happy. But he doesn't seem to understand that when he seems grumpy, she will obviously be wary. Yet he can't help looking grumpy. Aaaargh, it is just so complicated

Also, I have no idea about what is normal for a middle aged man to drink. He worked in the City for years where they all caned it regularly. So I know that for him, he doesn't feel he drinks to excess. He maintains he doesn't drink during the week, but as I am not with him, I have no idea. If he does drink this amount all the time, then it is a problem, right? His health checks came back perfect. He has recently had CT scans and heart testing and all is perfect so no damage in that regard. He just seems desperate to get his hands on a drink in the evening. Yet I dont think he is an alcoholic.

What if I am reading into things which arent there and being unfair?

Did you read the bit about WHY though.

No. I didn't. It doesn't matter why. She used to 'adore' him and now she is scared of him. Why doesn't matter. The fact that she is scared is what you need to focus on.

A big bit of it is because of his face, which he can't help.
What??? He can't smile?
And also what JuneSpoon has written.
It's not just his face.
If it was, and your DD was scared then you wouldn't be on holiday or even with him in the first place.

This is the classic abusive profile.

Your daughter is scared, and the reason his default look is that of mild fury, is because it is reflecting his inside. That's why he sounds harsh and off.

Your daughter has sensed this and is telling you how she is feeling. You have sensed it too, but are shutting down your intuition (that is SCREAMING at you, I'm sure!) and rationalising things for some reason.

Please end this - for your daughter, if not for yourself.

Why are you being unfair?

You don't owe him a relationship. There's no "fair" here. There's a man you saw infrequently that presented a certain way. Now you're with him 24/7 and the mask/act has slipped.

Firstly, what attracted you to him if his 'face' looks like thunder all the time? Sounds to me like he's not always been like this so his true colours are starting to show.]
He clearly IS an alcoholic. They NEVER admit it though, so asking him is pointless. I dated someone last year for 8 months. He used to drink fairly heavily at weekends (but then I also like a drink) and I remember him volunteering the information that he never drank during the week. He was not working due to 'OCD and Anxiety issues' but I found his doctors note one day which signed him off for 'alcoholism'.
Its time to get out of this.

@JuneSpoon - well when you put it like that 😂 yeah, his face is the last of it.

I hear what you are all saying. We are due to go home tomorrow.

He keeps telling me that my DD is manipulating stuff for her own ends. Sometimes she does, he is right, but other times she isn't, and I understand where she is coming from. It depresses me that he sees the worst in her.

When she is being good, he praises her to the heavens and is lovely with her. When she isn't, then he has a much stricter attitude than me. Which he tells me about. I then feel torn. I hate weak parenting, but am also a big believer in trying to understand kids too. DDs dad let DD call my mum an "old woman" a week or two ago and said nothing. My DP was there and simmered in fury at my ex, but just said to DD that "he would never have been allowed to be so rude to his granny", when it became clear that noone else was going to say anything to DD. My mum was grateful to DP and livid with my ex. I wasnt there at the time, my mum told me about it later.

So DP having such a parenting approach which chimed with my own really attracted to him at first, but it just isn't working.

Having said that, no relationship is perfect and DP is trying his very best, I know that.

How the hell do people manage to have relationships with kids involved? We all parent differently. It is so very hard. Its hard to know what are teething problems and what is more.

I am reading and thinking about everyone's answers. Please dont think I am not, just because I am venting here. I haven't talked to anyone about it really so getting it all out does help.

Also, ask yourself why he feels the need to get absolutely hammered on the only times he spends with you and DD?

Having said that, no relationship is perfect and DP is trying his very best, I know that.

If that is his best, which I doubt, then it's not good enough.

It depresses me that he sees the worst in her (DD). Seriously . You're with a man who sees the worst in your DD. It's easy to praise a child when they're being good. That's not a big woop for him. It's a lot harder to see the good in them when they're not being delightful. This man can't it seems.

You owe him nothing. You owe your DD unconditional love, comfort, stability, safety . This man is not ticking these boxes and is preventing you from giving your DD this stable foundation

This is the classic abusive profile

What is this, please? My intuition is screaming at me.

What scares the crap out of me, is that if I am wrong about who he is, then how can I ever know I am right about anyone else? I normally have good judgement, but I no longer trust myself. I feel like my brain has been in a blender where nothing makes sense.

Obviously, I will put DD first and end it with him when I get home. That is fine. But I really thought I had met the man of my dreams. He has had two previous LTRs of 20 years each, and had been clear of the last for 2.5 years before he met me. He seemed to be everything I wanted personality wise.

How the hell do people manage to have relationships with kids involved?

It helps if they are not cunts.

Seriously, you are minimising because you want a relationship.

YOUR CHILD IS SCARED.

That should be enough for you to end it.

OP, he had the same face when your dd adored him. It's not his face - it is his attitude, behavior and energy. Your daughter is feeling something different from him, just as you are.

I agree with others that what you were seeing before was his honeymoon version of himself - doesn't mean it was necessarily false or manipulative (though could have been), but it was at least the version that comes from the excitement and extra effort people put in at the beginning.

What you see now is highly likely to be what you are stuck with or worse. And it doesn't sound like he is open to changing (denying his drinking problem, for example.)

Doesn't sound like someone you or your daughter should be stuck with......

Seriously, you are minimising because you want a relationship

I have just said I will be ending it, FFS! I am not minimising, I am trying to make sure I give a full picture.

I am not happy with how unhappy DD is and she will come first, no matter what.

I am musing on here about how we can ever know someone is a good person, when they seem to be for the longest time, and then show their true colours.

'D'P has so very many amazing qualities which I obviously haven't mentioned as they don't bother me. I had never met a man like him before. I am stunned that I got it so wrong. How the hell will I ever know that someone is right in future?

I have just said I will be ending it, FFS!

Ever heard of cross posting? FFS

You have been minimising though.

You'll know because you'll always feel at ease with them. Your daughter will, too.

I'm so glad you're ending this. I wonder whether the reasons beyond his control for him having no money is because he spends it all on alcohol.