Don't know if he is abusive. Head a mess.

[JoannaCuppa]

Hi. I am currently on my first holiday with new DP and my DD. We have been together over a year but don't live together.

I feel really anxious all the time and can't understand what is happening. My DP and I fell for each other very quickly. He seemed literally everything that I ever wanted. But who he is being now, sometimes, just isn't tallying with that.

He is being very quiet, but maintaining nothing is wrong. His tone of voice when talking to both me and DD can sound really harsh and "off".

He is drinking a bottle and a half of wine a night, which is normal for him at weekends and holidays (the only times I see him), but then gets really cross in bed when I ask him to roll over because he is snoring. I have ended up sleeping in my DD's bed with her as I can't get any sleep with him. I have told him but he just keeps drinking.

He is really skint at the moment for reasons beyond his control. I have paid for the holiday, most of the petrol, meals out, and he pays for much less as he physically doesn't have it. Fine. Except he is buying wine every day so he can afford that. I feel he is taking the piss.

My DD has gone from adoring him to feeling a bit scared of him. She is afraid to say anything negative to him because he "looks grumpy". He does have "resting grump face" which he can't help, and his default look is mild fury. However, I obviously can't have my daughter scared. She has ASD and manages really well, but does struggle sometimes. I don't want to blame him for things like his face which he can't control, but nor do I want her scared. So I don't know where the balance lies.

It sounds silly and small, considering he does all the cooking and has looked after me and DD well as I have had a chronic illness flare whilst we are here, but he is so very messy. He cooks and I tidy, but the kitchen looks like a poltergeist has hit it. I don't feel I can say much as he has cooked but it is mad how messy it is. He also insists on eating pretty late but DD needs to eat earlier. He is happy to feed her around the time he used to feed his DDs, about 7, but mine needs her dinner around 6. I keep telling him but it just isn't his default yet.

Oh, and he reversed his car twice into other cars whilst we have been away. Now admittedly the parking sensors glitched and didnt go off, but I have now remembered that he had drunk a bottle.of wine and a third of a 70cl bottle of rum the day before. He didnt drive until the following afternoon. Would he have been clear of alcohol by then or not? I don't really drink so have no idea, though obviously wouldn't have let him drive if he had driven within a few hours of drinking. It just didn't occur to me until afterwards.

I am wondering where the perfect man I met has gone. He isn't tactile at all with me now, hasn't instigated sex as he has been collapsing into bed sozzled.

He maintains he isn't an alcoholic, but I am no longer sure.

I can't think straight because who he is seems so at odds with who he was for a long time. Am I being too picky and critical? Have I lost perspective? He always seems vaguely cross with DD and I and it doesn't feel comfortable.

Sorry for the length. Please help but be gentle. I am really confused. My primary concern is for DD. She can be naughty and her dad is crap at discipline, and I know DP feels annoyed at her attitude sometimes but says little. On the othet hand, she is my DD and has to come first.

I also agree that he probably sneaks off to vape because he's sneaking more drinks! My ex used to constantly 'take the dog out' but I reckon he was necking cans etc on those walks.

As for listing his good points.... of course he has good points otherwise you wouldn't have fell for him in the first place. Men like this have to have a nice side or they wouldn't be able to keep someone. Its not the good points you need to focus on.

I would bet money he is a covert narcissist and I'd really advise you to read up on it or watch videos about it on youtube.

He's passive aggressive, withholds sex, has an addiction to alcohol, love bombed you in the beginning, is isolating you from your own DD, has a constant undertone of resentment, is financially unstable (they ALL are chronically irresponsible with money and its NEVER their fault), living a parasitic existence (I.e you are already funding his lifestyle by paying for holidays and lending him money), he's selfish and wont clean up after himself because he expects you to fawn over him just for cooking and theres more I haven't listed.

I 100% believe your DD that he speaks to her badly when you are not around. His 'nice' side is a mask, which you are witnessing slip and he treats her like an inconvenience because that's truly how he sees her. If you could truly see what this man is like, you would be horrified about what you have just let into your life and near your DD and you need to run from this guy and fast!!

Expect him to Hoover you after ending things and these guys often harrass and stalk so please block him on every platform when you end it.

Then do the freedom programme and learn all you can about narcissists so you never end up with one again. I would suggest taking a break from dating for a while because leaving a narc relationship makes you vulnerable and other narcs can smell it.

The most important thing is to always trust your gut and never question it. The reason you can sense something is wrong is because nothing about him is genuine and you can sense that he is actually quite menacing underneath it all. Narcissists are bitterly jealous inside and will hate you for loving them (which is a reflection of how deeply messed up they are) which is what you can feel. They often gaslight you and convince you you are overreacting so you start to doubt your own instincts.

I've been through several relationships like this OP and leaving was a battle as they do not let go easily and are very vindictive. Please be careful and ring the police immediately if he starts to stalk or harrass you.

I'd also suspect he's a covert narcissist or some other similar abusive personality disorder.

I'm sorry you are going through this Joanna, it does shake your belief in yourself & your judgement, but that's what they rely on & that's why they do it.

You think your losing the love of your life, but sadly I doubt who he has shown you is even close to who he really is. The mills & boon seems to good to be true because sadly it is. It's all part of a ploy to get you where he wants you. So much time with you in holiday has made that hard for him to keep up. Hell want to own you too & DD will be a threat to that whether he shows it openly or not.

Ending it now means that you will miss the worst, of what for sure will be a very abusive & destructive relationship. One where his moodiness around your friends would eventually turn into him covertly isolating you from them & anyone else who might have your back.

The guy you love is a facade, a mask. Once you realise that & accept it, you will be surprised how quickly you can move on from him. 💐💐

• He scares your DD
• he "talks harshly" to you and DD
• he speaks differently to her when he thinks you cannot hear him
• He has a drinking problem and is not a good partner when drunk
• he drives while drunk/hungover and crashes into things
• He claims to be "skint" when it comes to joint expenses but seems to have no problem funding the excessive alcohol or vaping
• although he claims to understand your DD's ASD - he clearly doesn't
• he opts out when you are visiting friends

Any one or two of the above would be more than enough to end it - but all of them?

I think he has probably been on his best behaviour previously - but is now feeling comfortable - especially with the alcohol - to let the mask slip

I don't know if he's abusive, but he definitely sounds like bad news one way or the other - good move ending it OP!

So I know that for him, he doesn't feel he drinks to excess. He maintains he doesn't drink during the week, but as I am not with him, I have no idea
People never feel like they drink to excess.
Don't drink during the week is another line some people with a drinking problem like to spin - especially as you don't see him during the week.
I bet he's drinking all week.

You've been on your first holiday together. This is a make or break time for most couples - especially where they haven't lived together before. You've only seen him for a couple of days on the trot before - now you're together 24/7 and his true colours are coming out.

The relationship doesn't work 24/7 for you and your DD - so bye!!
Glad you have decided to end it.

I'd recommend all her videos on narcissist red flags. She has ones on parasitic lifestyle and irresponsibility too

Hi all.

Thank you so very much for all your input. I have decided to end it. I told him tonight.

He is very quiet but I feel in no danger whatsoever. I don't think he is a narc. I am well practised in those, and he doesn't tick the same boxes that they do.

I do think he loves the bottle more than anyone. I told him he is rude and abusive when I try to wake him to let me into the bed (he rolls over and sleeps in the middle when I get up to the loo in the night. And then he is really horrible when I ask him to move.) He said I should know he doesn't mean anything he says when drunk or asleep. I told him that was putting the onus on me to deal with it, instead of moderating his drinking, as he is never like that when he drinks less than a bottle.

I told him he has a drink problem. That doesn't mean he is an alcoholic, but that his drinking is a problem in life. That when his ex and me both think he has an issue, then it is. He said "ok, well I will deal with it then" I internally rolled my eyes so far that they would have fallen out of my head if I had done it for real.

I have sent some friends this link so they know what is going on. I told my best mate that DP clearly doesn't love my DD. She was furious. She only sees DD about once a year and loves my DD. I feel the same about her kids. How someone who has known DD for a year doesn't love her, I have no idea. I think he is a bit broken. I don't expect him to love her like his own kids, but I know I would die for my best friends kids, let alone any step kids.

I haven't even met his DDs as they are adults who live miles away. I do think they are all strangely distant though. They don't contact each other that much.

I have also told DP that I have heard him talking to DD in a way I don't like. He was shocked when I said his tone is horrible sometimes. He just doesn't realise.

He said that none of this needs to be split up over. That we can work through it. Sadly, I can't. I can't damage my DD further whilst he is learning.

My mate did say that she thought it was weird how he kept wandering off. She likes him but thought he could seem grumpy and pointed at times. She was horrified to hear how he speaks to DD and that he doesn't love her.

My DD and I both deserve more. So it is over. I am writing him off. I have been chatting to a male friend I met on mumsnet and he has read the thread too. He thinks DP is taking the Michael with drinking too.

If he was like a ‘Mills and Boon’ guy, have a look at ‘Lovebombing’. Sounds like he basically swept you off your feet, told you what you wanted to hear to make you fall for him. He can’t keep up the facade on holiday when you’re together all the time.

Trust your and your DD’s gut instincts. Get through tonight, get yourself home. I do think you’ll have to cut your losses with the money he owes you but honestly if you stayed with him he’ll bleed you dry. It’s worth looking at The Freedom Programme once the dust has settled.

It's very common for alcoholics to "disappear" often in order to secretly drink spirits. You're seeing him drink a bottle or so of wine but you say he seems strangely still drunk the next afternoon. I would guess he's secretly drinking a lot more than you're actually seeing.

Sounds like you've made the right decision for you and your little girl.

Doesn't matter if he doesn't think it needs splitting up over - he makes your dd scared and uncomfortable - so out he jolly well goes.

What causes it, alcohol or some thing else is irrelevant. Your dd's happiness and security are the only things that count.

I think there's a back-story with why his own dc are low contact with him, and it won't reflect well on him.

Sorry but if your DD is scared and your as unhappy as it reads I feel like you really care about him so your trying to make excuses for him.

I do really care about him, yes. And I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I have told my friends, my ex and my mum of my concerns now. Once I do that, I am done. Otherwise I don't air my laundry in public.

There is only so much benefit of the doubt that I can give. I can't have my DD harmed whilst he is learning how to be with her.

I feel constantly anxious and uneasy. It is making me unwell. My mental health feels low. And I want more from life for my DD and I than this.

I did wonder about lovebombing. It's as if now he has me, he has let the mask slip. I fell in love very quickly. We seemed to be all the other was looking for. And now I know it is not like that.

What I do think, though, is that it means it is wiser to introduce someone importsnt to your kids within the first year. If I hadn't, I would have been so enmeshed that I don't know if I could have extracted myself from the relationship.

It's all well and good waiting to be "sure" of someone. But I was sure about him. It is spending time with us as a three which has highlighted my concerns more.

Any way, that is academic as I am now off men for a good long while!

Well done on posting as you were listening to your instinct however you doubted it. I was very similar but without knowledge of covert narcissism. It is often only in reflection that you really understand the behaviour.

I think you were love bombed and he was likely to have mirrored you so you felt soul mates. Choosing to use the word manipulated about your daughter is also a warning as its strong language to use about a child. Often anguage about others is projection of their own behaviour.

The disappearing around your friends is also deliberate, either to isolate you or he is afraid your friends will get to know him.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcisstic partner loses confidence but you should congratulate yourself as you have got out much earlier than most people. Your instincts were working.

Well done OP. It hurts now and your head will be full of what ifs but you’ve done the right thing. Life with a drinker is no fun, he’d drag you down with him and it’d ruin your life.

Your DD needs you far more than he does and she needs ou to protect her from harm, not defend and exposer her to it. Don’t forget, yyou’re the only one who loves him, so everyone else will see things you don’t. You’ve seen them now so well done.

Please do brace yourself for the inevitable tears, promises, declarations, threats of he’ll die without you etc. He’ll be just fine without you, and he’s not your responsibility. Please get any stuff from his that you can’t do without then block him on everything. It might sound harsh but it’ll spare you a lot of heartache.

Sorry, keyboard battery is dying so extra letters all over the shop.

@Techway That's a lovely message. Thank you.

I think he love bombed and mirrored me too, thinking about it.

I also said to him that I felt he was projecting regarding my DD being manipulative. Sure, she can do as all kids can, but she is hardly a criminal mastermind. Its transparent when she manipulates.

I didn't realise about him trying to isolate me from friends. I had that years ago with an ex and this felt different. He was On a fruitless mission there. My best mate is more like a sister to me. I trust her more than anyone in the world. I told him that and he said "yes, that's pretty clear". Wonder how he could tell? Maybe totally comfortable with each other despite not seeing each other for ages? Complete trust with each other's kids?

The not wanting them to get to know him thing makes sense though. They are astute.

What sort of hangover and grumpy, bitter, nasty, agitated mood would you be left with after putting away 1.5 bottles of wine a night? Of course any child (ASD or not) would by their mere existence irritate him in this state.

He doesn’t have a discipline or parenting strategy different from yours he is just and angry, volatile hungover cunt.

Believe your DD. I bet he is snarling and sneering at her behind your back as she is coming between him and the bottle.

There is nothing perfect about this vile toxic man. He is emotionally abusing your child.

@CIareIsland I agree. Hence him being dumped. I have told him he has an alcohol issue and needs to reach rock bottom before he will accept it. He said he won't reach rock bottom as he isn't like other people

Funnily enough, all functioning alcoholics think that!

I told him that I didnt like the way he speaks to DD. He said I should teach him. Er, no! If you are horrible to kids you are an Arsehole. End of. He said his daughters would disagree on how he is with kids. Marvellous! My DD isn't his though so I don't care how he was 20 years ago with his.

He came to bed and said he didnt want to talk about it. I hadn't asked to. The fact I had said earlier that I would be upstairs if he wanted to chat, and he didn't come up, said it all. He said there are only so many times he would be called a cunt. I hadn't called him that. I said certain behaviour (being cruel to kids) is something I associate with cunts. So if he felt I called him that, he was just identifying with the behaviour.

I told him he has shown contempt to me and my family by taking the piss financially whilst drinking, and they were all worried about him. So he said "well you won't have to now, will you?".

Overall, he seems pretty unbothered by being dumped, which is very hurtful but reinforces my decision.

I had called it off in response to his cruelty earlier in the week, but talked myself out of it. He has thrown that against me. He could have chosen to reflect on my reasons WHY I felt I should end it, but hasn't.

So he really is just letting me know that I have made the right decision.

I am now going to be single for a very long time I think. But that's better than feeling uneasy constantly. I did three years of that at the end of my relationship with my ex. I won't do it again.

@Whatisthisfuckery Thank you! I have loads of furniture that didn't fit into his new rental at my house. He can get that into a storage place or I will auction it!

I also have his cat as my house is away from the main road. She is gorgeous but he can have her back too! She is expensive to feed and guess who is paying for all her food and flea stuff? But then I can't have her pushed from pillar to post because of him. So I may relent and keep her if he wants me to. But then I would have to pay for the insurance etc too. And I really don't want the extra expense and having to sort the litter tray all the time. Its already a pain in the arse doing it.

What do I do? The cat loves me and is so happy with me. Should I just agree to keep her if he wants me to?

Give the cat back otherwise it will always be a reminder or a reason for him to contact you. The cat is also another responsibility failure on his behalf. His DDs being LC BIG RED FLAGS

You're right about the cat! Very true.

I have found out in the past few days that how he met his ex was a lie. I feel sick that I have been deceived too. I hate liars.

I feel utterly debased by him now, to be honest. The rose tinted glasses are off, and I can see more clearly. I feel sickened by his behaviour. Really sickened. My poor DD.

Doesn't sound very broken up if he came to bed like normal.

@category12 we are on holiday in a place with restricted sleeping arrangements. Where should he have gone?

I'm so sorry this all unraveling like this OP.
But your gut was right.
You now know you have totally done the right thing.
Be kind to yourself.
Get RL love and support around you.
And give your DD a big ((((HUG)))) from all of us.