Don't know if he is abusive. Head a mess.

[JoannaCuppa]

Hi. I am currently on my first holiday with new DP and my DD. We have been together over a year but don't live together.

I feel really anxious all the time and can't understand what is happening. My DP and I fell for each other very quickly. He seemed literally everything that I ever wanted. But who he is being now, sometimes, just isn't tallying with that.

He is being very quiet, but maintaining nothing is wrong. His tone of voice when talking to both me and DD can sound really harsh and "off".

He is drinking a bottle and a half of wine a night, which is normal for him at weekends and holidays (the only times I see him), but then gets really cross in bed when I ask him to roll over because he is snoring. I have ended up sleeping in my DD's bed with her as I can't get any sleep with him. I have told him but he just keeps drinking.

He is really skint at the moment for reasons beyond his control. I have paid for the holiday, most of the petrol, meals out, and he pays for much less as he physically doesn't have it. Fine. Except he is buying wine every day so he can afford that. I feel he is taking the piss.

My DD has gone from adoring him to feeling a bit scared of him. She is afraid to say anything negative to him because he "looks grumpy". He does have "resting grump face" which he can't help, and his default look is mild fury. However, I obviously can't have my daughter scared. She has ASD and manages really well, but does struggle sometimes. I don't want to blame him for things like his face which he can't control, but nor do I want her scared. So I don't know where the balance lies.

It sounds silly and small, considering he does all the cooking and has looked after me and DD well as I have had a chronic illness flare whilst we are here, but he is so very messy. He cooks and I tidy, but the kitchen looks like a poltergeist has hit it. I don't feel I can say much as he has cooked but it is mad how messy it is. He also insists on eating pretty late but DD needs to eat earlier. He is happy to feed her around the time he used to feed his DDs, about 7, but mine needs her dinner around 6. I keep telling him but it just isn't his default yet.

Oh, and he reversed his car twice into other cars whilst we have been away. Now admittedly the parking sensors glitched and didnt go off, but I have now remembered that he had drunk a bottle.of wine and a third of a 70cl bottle of rum the day before. He didnt drive until the following afternoon. Would he have been clear of alcohol by then or not? I don't really drink so have no idea, though obviously wouldn't have let him drive if he had driven within a few hours of drinking. It just didn't occur to me until afterwards.

I am wondering where the perfect man I met has gone. He isn't tactile at all with me now, hasn't instigated sex as he has been collapsing into bed sozzled.

He maintains he isn't an alcoholic, but I am no longer sure.

I can't think straight because who he is seems so at odds with who he was for a long time. Am I being too picky and critical? Have I lost perspective? He always seems vaguely cross with DD and I and it doesn't feel comfortable.

Sorry for the length. Please help but be gentle. I am really confused. My primary concern is for DD. She can be naughty and her dad is crap at discipline, and I know DP feels annoyed at her attitude sometimes but says little. On the othet hand, she is my DD and has to come first.

It's a no brainer for me. I'd be ending it as there are too many red flags aside from the MASSIVE issue that your child is scared of him!!

The Freedom Programme a PP mentioned might help you feel more confident about future relationships OP, teaches you a lot about abuse and how to recognise it. Your instincts are good though (or you wouldn't be noticing and questioning the things you are), you just need to learn to trust them.

OP, he had the same face when your dd adored him. It's not his face - it is his attitude, behavior and energy

Oh hell. Of course! You are 100% right. How the fuck did I not see that?

Ok, dump first and then analyse the situation afterwards, is what I shall do.

He ex ended up leaving him after about 20 years, and I know she was concerned about his drinking, as he has told me she was. He thinks all alcoholics are falling over pissed in the street. I do think he is psychologically dependent at least.

When we are alone, he is fabulous. It is when my DD is added to the mix, with her imperfect kid behaviour, that things become dreadful.

What is weird, is that he has spent ages reading up on ASD, came to one of the psychology meetings with me and had really good insight into the issue. So on that regard, he has truly tried.

I just dont get how a man can be trying so hard in so many ways and still fuck it up. He cooks for us, takes us everywhere, is trying hard to understand DD, gives her lots of praise, is ready to accept any constructive criticism I give, never holds a grudge......and on and on.

He is fucking perfect in so many ways. Hence my confusion. I am scared to death of mistaking teething problems for real issues, and losing a potentially wonderful man from DD and mines lives.

It is breaking my heart that I may well have got it so wrong.

The man you knew was a facade that was easy for him to maintain as you did not live together. He couldn't keep it up whilst you are together 24/7 and the man you are on holiday is the man you would have if you moved in together.

I think you should consider the Freedom Programme, and attending an Alanon meeting. Both could give you some insight into what is going on.

When we are alone, he is fabulous. It is when my DD is added to the mix, with her imperfect kid behaviour, that things become dreadful

It is not her fault. It's not her behaviour. It's not her ASD. It is not her fault.

@bouncingraindrops - ah fuck. Sorry. I really am. Didn't think about cross posting. Duh!

I honestly don't mean to minimise. I am just stunned and reeling. In so many ways, this man is perfect for me AND I truly believed for my DD too.

So to process everything and realise I was wrong, whilst still loving him deeply, is really hard. I want to make damn sure it is the right thing, before letting go of the man I love. Obviously I will do, but I want to check I am not mistaking teething problems for real issues.

I am the epitome of the "last woman you would think would be in this situation". That's what scares me.

However, my ex was a bit rubbish in many ways, but I never had the unsettled feeling that I have now. Ever. I felt completely safe and happy with him for years before the end. And that was only because he had sod all initiative, we were sexually mismatched, and had gradually turned into just friends. He wasn't a bad person at all. We coparent well etc, although he is flaming useless at disciplining.

It really is about having that settled feeling inside, isn't it. I can't remember when mine started with DP. Or why. I feel i cant remember anything anymore.

I know it sounds bloody tragic, but you know how people always say the Mills and Boon men don't exist? Well I honestly felt with DP that I had found one. I didn't think they were real, and yet here he was. I certainly never thought I would end up with one. I felt so bloody lucky.

So I was scared to confuse real issues for imperfections and being on a learning curve with him.

But he isn't mills and boons man. He is a mortal human. And I want the best for my DD and to feel at peace, far more than I want him. I am fed up of feeling on high alert.

He owes me over £1k. I have more chance of knitting fog than getting that back. Still, I lent it knowing that I could live without it. Grrr

I am stunned that I got it so wrong. How the hell will I ever know that someone is right in future?

OP, don't be so hard on yourself. You acted based on one set of behaviour from him, and now that he's started acting differently you are quite sensibly feeling some alarm bells going off.

He doesn't have to be an abuser for you to move on. In my experience, often the people who damage us most are not the evil ones, they're the ones who don't have their sh*t together.

It is not her fault. It's not her behaviour. It's not her ASD. It is not her fault

I know that. All kids can play up. It's about how adults react to her that bothers me. And I dont like the way he reacts. That isn't her fault at all.

I feel like if he can take things she does two ways, he will take it the worst way. And that is something that I will not have. She deserves more.

More importantly, I will not have her thinking that I haven't got her back. That I will condone bad behaviour towards her from adults. If I don't protect her, who the fuck will?

Am I being picky & critical?

Hell no! I wouldn't want this alcoholic loser in my child's life either. Sorry OP to be harsh but he doesn't sound like a catch. Why are you with him?

Mills and Boon men aren't real, you had it right first time OP. Too perfect is as much of a red flag as a glaringly obvious fault because no one can keep that up, we're all only human. Any man who needs to 'love-bomb' you is more than likely hiding something, or their real personality would be good enough wouldn't it?

This isn't a case of 'does the good outweigh the bad', your DD is scared of him, you feel uncomfortable and unsettled with him, he drinks to excess and he owes you a grand, those are all massive red flags. Besides, if someone gave you a cup of tea that was 5% shit you wouldn't drink it because the other 95% was ok would you? The bad things are bad enough here that the good stuff is irrelevant. Sorry

OP you’ll know when you find a good person because you won’t be worrying and squashing down uneasy feelings. The fact that you’tr realising this man isn’t right for you means that you do have good instincts.The fact that you didn’t see it earlier is because he hadn’t shown you yet. You’re not doing badly here, it’s just that people don’t show us their bad sides immediately, and the ones who do we just don’t get involved with.

He drinks to excess; he damages the car; he’s broke, presumably because he drinks all his money; he’s moody; he scares your DD; he doesn’t clean up after himself; he criticises and sees the worst in your DD; he’s not interested in physical intimacy; he snores because he’s pissed then snaps at you; and he’s got a face like a cow’s smacked arse, What exactly is it you see in him?

I will warn you now, very strongly, about being involved with someone who has a drink problem. If he’s already tapping you up for subs, paying for the holiday for eg, then this alone is the reason you should get rid. Take it from someone whose been there and knows from bitter experience, living with someone who puts the drink above all else will not be a happy or prosperous life for you. He sounds like he’s already in the drink so much that it dominates his thoughts, so get out.

We have also been meeting up with friends a lot whilst we have been on holiday. He keeps taking himself off all the time to vape outside, and has spent the majority of time out there.

He wanted to give us time to catch up, but he really didn't interact much with other people at all. I can't work out why? He was a bloody sales director for years and can talk the hind leg off a donkey. He is incredibly socially adept when he wants to be. He could sell coals to Newcastle. Yet he distances himself from everyone and always seems to want to sit in a room on his own. It's weird!!!

OP, your gut is screaming at you to get away from this alcoholic, grumpy waster.

Your DD knows what he's like and it's not nice. Whether she can verbalise it or not.

Abusive assholes leave the kitchen like a bomb site and expect you to be grateful.
Decent partners just don't do that shit.

Has it occurred to you at all that the flare up of your chronic illness could be connected at all with having to deal with this waster and trying to rationalise something you know to be inherently wrong.

Get away from him.

I think the most important clue is how you FEEL. Like the vibes you get from him. We pick up threats. So feeling like someone always has anger brewing towards you/the world is a huge red flag. We can't quite put our finger on it...sometimes it is something about their tone of voice or the way they look at us. Something isn't right. We feel unsettled. We try and explain it away as 'just their face' or our own misunderstanding. Or perhaps, something we've done to annoy them.

Don't make excuses for it. If you feel someone has contempt for you, if your body is screaming 'threat' or something similar - run.

Could he be entertaining himself with booze by any chance? Staying away from the interaction so he can drink?

Op - I know where you are coming from - I was in a 20 year marriage i was not happy some of the time but it “worked” or so I thought - it was only after x had an affair and I went for divorce that it became extremely acrimonious and his true feelings towards me or himself came out. It “worked” because the financial situation was taken care of by x - I did my bit - he did his - I thought we were a team waiting for kids to get older - he could see no future - there was no sexual relationship- I thought as a result of many years of ivf and all that entailed and my depression - him I’m not sure why!

Would I have ended the marriage - probably not I would have worked on myself and found things that I enjoyed doing to occupy my time.

I have been with DP for four years - these have not been an easy 4 years - I’ve been going through divorce all this time and dealing with fallout. He has baggage - I would not expect otherwise - sometimes we are at loggerheads - but this gets talked about, we each take time to chew it over - and then we move forward - we have both had to make changes to accommodate the other - compromise.

I often read on here about relationships that should be “easy” - personally I don’t know if these are real - are some people so sorted that nothing phases them or do they just tolerate everything? Is one or other bending over backwards not to rock the boat - do they eventually implode?

I’ve also read a lot about abuse - I have the info from women’s Aid - I’ve also been dealing with them recently. I did not think my marriage was abusive - I thought it was pretty normal - stresses and strains of married life - there were what I know now to be red flags. The issues I had I raised - they were dealt with but I can see know that they weren’t dealt with equally if that makes sense - I was worn down.

Some people can manipulate very covertly - some people have a negative bias towards life if they feel they have been dealt an unfair hand - some people who may appear outwardly positive and happy are maybe “faking it until they make it” - do we seriously expect all people to be constant perfect “souls?” And I use this term because the only people I have met who have achieved this are removed from “normal life” having spent many years soul searching and meditating and focusing on “love” . They see the “good” and “peace” in everyone and everything but they too have been through some dark times to get here.

Now my relationship is becoming less emotive - the issues that were there have been resolved and no longer feature. It takes a lot to trust again when you have been badly hurt - a scenario can be interpreted in more than one way depending on people’s perspective.

Op really I don’t think I have the capacity to “judge” your relationship - I can see aspects that you have picked out that you are not happy with and would like change but you have also mentioned some good points - how open is your do to discussing these?

Maybe everyone had high expectations of this holiday - it must be difficult - even families of 5 10 15 20 years cannot get on in a confined space out Of their daily routine!

Good luck op with whatever you decide x

As for gut instinct - read this - www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/insecurity-vs-intuition-how-to-know-when-to-trust-your-instincts?fbclid=IwAR2f9NVtUgqrQvN1LSTkjNX6PAIPBKW-nF5NU6BY8TKsORJ9Y0w5Ib9WLWk

Another thing has just cropped up in a conversation with my DD. She says that DP speaks to her in a different tone when they arent with anyone else. She cant describe it except to say it isn't nice.

I have heard that once but since then haven't. And I overhear them often.

I have also had DD telling me that if I am not with her dad, she doesn't want me to be with anyone. She is happy her Dad has a girlfriend, but not that I have a boyfriend. When I asked how she would feel if I was with another man she knows, she said happy as he is lovely.

I want DD to be happy. But part of me wonders how much of this is because DP isn't her dad. And whether it is true about how DP is alone with her. Why would an adult do that? I have heard it once but never again. So would DD say it if she was trying to split up DP and I in some child version of "getting her dad back"? Or is he really being off with her when I am out of earshot?

Listen he drinks a bottle and a half of wine a night-he shouldn't be around a child. He has a drinking problem. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Get shot.

I don't think it matters which it is actually (although the fact that you've heard it even once is surely proof?), you can't take the risk if there's any chance it's true. How frightening must that be for DD, a trusted adult switching to nasty when they're alone?

I really hope you won't waste time and energy trying to find other explanations for this OP, the doubt will still be there even if you can and DD will still be scared of him. I get that you want to be sure but there's no point grasping at straws, you heard him, there are no more straws to grasp.

Where are you? can you just get your DD and come home?

Your DD is telling you loud and clear that he's being horrible to you, she's scared and you have your instinct screaming at you.

Enough is enough love.

He's only pretending to be perfect to get you on the hook. The mask is slipping now and you are beginning to see the REAL him.

The REAL him scares your DD.

Please leave this man asap

I had a relationship just like this, you have totally different parenting ways. And with his drinking habits, and the fact that your DD doesn't really like him is enough to end the relationship if it hasn't already killed it! (Sounds like it has though).

Thanks Bouncing. I hear what you are saying. Did you read the bit about WHY though. A big bit of it is because of his face, which he can't help.

This & the line about your DD being scared of him stamped out to me. Plus that your DD has ASD.

In my experience people with ASD tend to be sensitive in other ways apart from the obvious, light, smell, touch, sound too. She may not be able to explain herself well, but I suspect that it's more than a grumpy face that is bothering her. She senses something deeper & angry in him & that's what is frightening her.

Trust your DDs instincts OP, this man will only get worse. He's reeled you in with charm & the mask is now slipping. Your DD is seeing that more clearly than you.

Think yourself lucky you don't live together & get the hell away from him, this holiday is a wake up call. He is an abusive, probably alcoholic, cocklodging wolf in sheep's clothing. You & your DD deserve so much better.

Yes, I know. I am ending it with him. I can't have him be mean to my DD. At all.