Giving up Dating

[joanietaylor]

Hello,

Although only 37 i have completely given up ever meeting anyone for a long term relationship as i never seem to meet anyone i click with or fancy sexually. Just think i am not meant to meet anyone.

Absolutely fed up beyond belief with internet dating and wish it had never been invented. I used to have luck with it in my 20's but these days very few people seem genuine and actually want to meet up in real life. They either have awful personalities, high maintenance or there is no chemistry.

Luckily i enjoy my own company and happy in my own skin but i do miss regular sex.

Anyone else relate?

@Itsallpointless

I am sure there are a lot of men in the same situation as you but I have no idea where you can find them because online dating according to my friends are full of knobs!

I've never been one for OLD, but I get the impression men have just a hard a time as women. Even when men send carefully written messages to women in their "league" (similar age, attractiveness, background, etc) the chance of any kind of response is very low. And most men get very few unsolicited likes or messages.

I think that can be true I agree

Whenever I have done OLD I have met some nice ok men as well as some bloody weird ones

But this thread can sound like a dating thread I thought it was giving up dating 😂 is anyone giving up because they just can’t be bothered or happier alone? Or is it because it is demoralising?

Scott I wouldn't quite say we have as hard a time as women online - almost the opposite in one sense given how totally unproductive, unexciting and ultimately demoralising OLD was. Almost zero response to messages and nothing unsolicited apart from the very occasional wink. I did go to New York with someone I met though (competition win!) and although it ain't going to go anywhere romantically we've become travel buddies for at least as long as we're both single.

I'd have loved to have known while I was active just what was so terribly wrong about my approach or my profile although I can also acknowledge that the bombardment of activity women appear to experience might drown out a lot of more genuine men. Looking back, I'm wondering if I was just too honest about myself? And I can emphatically report that I've never once received a fanny pic. I would have no idea what to make it it if I did...

LittleMiss2011 I think in almost every post you made a big deal of speaking to the "ladies". There are men on this thread too, you know, and we are in the same boat (subject: giving up dating and why).

Penny Sorry you encountered that creep. Bizarrely, back in the day when I was OLD years ago, I encountered women who turned the conversation towards sex very, very swiftly or sent topless photos which surprised me.

PookieDo I'm still off the apps. I gave up because I just wasn't getting any matches on tinder and on pof I was mostly getting messages from men outside my age range, hundreds of miles away from where I live or just pure filth in messages.

Just read this thread.

I'm 45. I've been single since I was 37. I've dated a bit here and there in that time but nothing significant.

There is no way I'd touch OLD again. Even the men who weren't obviously, immediately dysfunctional transpired to be so later on. And found they generally responded to boundaries with insults rather than respect.

I do meet men in real life. I meet men through work; I play/gig with two bands; I go to the gym. I'm reasonably attractive, a little alternative looking, friendly and approachable but on the incredibly rare occasion men do approach me/ask me out, it transpires that they are married/attached and just looking for a bit of fun/on the side.

I'm not actually looking for anyone because I don't have the time for a relationship and I'm utterly fed up with dealing with men's shit but when I was, I was told, "stop looking, someone will turn up when you least expect it". And that's not happened either.

I just think it's really sad - OLD isn't really serving anyone very well and people are so happy to cheat. Relationships just seem to be very disposable and there's very little respect.

Shatners oh yeah, I forgot about LittleMiss on her podium, I didn't find her very worthy of a response to be honest. Something up with her CAPS LOCK I recall (I actually thought FAT was just another MN acronym until I twigged she just wanted to make it clear I was a fat bastard...)

Even when men send carefully written messages to women in their "league" (similar age, attractiveness, background, etc) the chance of any kind of response is very low

'Leagues' are very subjective

Shatner I can well believe it. I have male friends who OLD and they have told me many stories of women who's opening messages were pure filth. They found this off putting and although funny they said it just made them uninterested.

I think most people have a good idea of their "league" though. I get the impression some women here think the only reason why so many men find OLD frustrating is because they are all stubbornly pursuing only women who are far too good for them.

is anyone giving up because they just can’t be bothered or happier alone?

I’ve not dated since my marriage ended 5 years ago. No desire to. The whole idea of relationships is obsolete to me. I’m definitely single for life and happy about it

I don't think it's particularly helpful to turn this into yet another thread about who has it worse, men or women. We're all just sharing our experiences and frustrations here.

@Scott72

I think league is subjective. It’s not just looks it is age too, lifestyle, finances and intelligence. I think women look for a whole package (which can be unrealistic, or sensible whichever way you look at it) and men are ok with just 1 or 2 of those matching attributes, or maybe none at all!

You can be hot AF but unemployed and skint, maybe you aim for people within your looks league but the other parts don’t match up. Perhaps you are the man, wealthy and in 50’s, who isn’t looking for anyone under the age of 35. Perhaps you are a woman of 35 who won’t consider a man over 43. People exclude others based on what they think they want. They can also include too many of the wrong things

Just living in the same vicinity as someone isn’t a good reason to date someone

@CheckingOutTheQuantocks

I agree. I was happy to find this thread but then put off by the concept that possibly it’s our fault for being too fussy

PookieDo at this point, I'm giving up because I don't have the mental strength to deal with the whole depressing parade of rejection and game-playing. The men I've chatted to on OLD have always seemed to have half an eye on looking out for a better option, and just converting a chat to a date that actually happens and isn't cancelled at the last minute seems almost impossible.

When I hear about other women apparently being inundated with messages and offers of dates, it makes me feel even more shit about myself. I never had that, and I'm sure it's because of the way I look. I'm very aware of what my "league" is and I know what men say to each other about women like me. It's really soul destroying.

For me personally, it is mostly about the 'click', so looks etc are all 'first impressions'. I wouldn't date someone who was serially unemployed though, or someone with 10 children under the age of 5, purely because it doesn't work for me, even if we had the 'click'.

There are thousands of single, lonely people out there, but you have to have that 'something' to work on.

I am open to any bloke who is 'normal'

Quantocks I think it's very much more about shared experiences. It's not a question of OLD is shit for women but shit for everyone. But it doesn't need a poster repeatedly spouting forth with "Ladies" like some suffragette rally

I think we need to support each other and everyone’s situation

When I OLD I tend to get a ton of messages or swipes in the first 2 days mainly. I have dipped in and out every couple of years, so think I am fresh meat/new face online to the regulars in my area (or it is bot spam profiles )

I realise that most of them are regulars because I recognise nearly all of them from all the other times I OLD, and realise they are still in the pool along with me. So I will laboriously filter them, try to make a conversation or avoid the ones I know are weird. I may go on a date if they are polite and seem normal, but often the conversations are hard work or rude. I will then swipe and swipe and swipe and try to start convos with any matches I get but by this point I have had to go further afield in location and the distance becomes annoying. Then after about 2 weeks it’s pretty dead and I then think ‘maybe it’s my profile’ and fiddle with it, maybe it’s my photos and can feel my anxiety over it kick in.

After this I then have usually completely run out of options and enthusiasm

I’ve had 2 OLD relationships. One lasted 18 months the other 3 months. I’ve not lived with anyone for 10 years though, they were quite casual. Both were ok guys but I found it a lot of hard work trying to find common ground and to keep it going.

"I have male friends who OLD and they have told me many stories of women who's opening messages were pure filth."

"I encountered women who turned the conversation towards sex very, very swiftly or sent topless photos which surprised me"

Who are these women??? I can categorically say that I wasn't on the receiving end of anything remotely like that!!

Christ, I must be old and fugly...

I always wonder if some of those women who do that are doing it out of desperation to stand out from the crowd and get men’s attention.
I don’t know any women who actually enjoy things like that but may do so out of low self esteem. Women tend to naturally be wary to protect themselves against sexual predators so I would worry about a woman who seemed to be pushing the boundaries the same as I would be wary of a man being overly sexual with a stranger but for different reasons. Although there are some women who may get a thrill out of it and have no low self esteem I would not say they are the exception

*would say they are the exception

I have felt pushed into doing things I didn’t want to before. I think one guy was basically trying to get wank material from me, it was so so creepy

No, I can understand women using that tack are generally coming from a totally different position to the nuisance men.

Bit of a sad state of affairs (see what I did there?) all round. I don't think Match and POF will be tapping us lot up for testimonials any time soon.

I think most people have a good idea of their "league" though

Oh I agree. But it doesn't seem to matter on OLD. I don't think I ever got messages from men I'd consider to be in my 'league'.

Maybe if they'd been 20 years younger we'd have been in the same league. Maybe if they had a job; maybe if they didn't live in the back of a lorry; maybe if they didn't list their interests as 'playing video games and watching football' when I'd explicitly said in my profile that I didnt enjoy either of those things and wouldn't be of any interest to a man who did...

A lot of men don't appear to look at a woman, read her profile and decide whether or not they are compatible before messagingI think in many cases, men look at your photo and decide whether they'd fuck you or not and message on the basis of that. Most women can see through that.

I'm sure the same can be said of some women but I can only speak for the men I encountered.

Shatner I told that poster what I thought of that attitude several pages ago. It wasn't remotely in the spirit of the thread. I agree that OLD is crap for everyone but the tone seems to be drifting away from sharing experiences and towards debating who has it worse. I was just saying I didn't think that was very helpful in the context of this discussion. NB - I can't imagine any of the early suffragettes talking about scrotum stamping!