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Original poster

He told her she's beautiful....

146 replies

ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 00:21

please tell me is this emotional abuse?
on going situation and long story...
He has been in contact with an ex girlfriend.
He wrote her a poem and in it included line "but still beautiful..."
I found out and "discussion" followed...a very emotional one full of anger, tears and upset.
Well he reckons it all meant nothing, "it's just a poem" he says.
"Beautiful is just a word.."
He confuses me saying he doesn't actually think she is beautiful but it was just the best word to use ?!!
He says he is sorry and it was a mistake but I cannot and I say again CANNOT get past the fact that he said it!
To me, as a woman, if a man says you are beautiful, that is very special and it hurts me that he has said it to another woman whilst still married to me!
I apologise if I haven't explained very well and I am emotionally and mentally drained with it all and all the other stuff |I have to put up with.
He says I'm a snoop and a snooper and lots of other things. He also said I don't understand poetry.
He could win an argument with God IMO!
I am both fuming and heartbroken about all this.
I give up.
As far as I'm concerned this other woman has been told she is beautiful by him.
He says he will message her soon to put a stop to it all. I have to forgive and move on. He also says I'm unforgiving.
To me it's not that simple.
He says I'm unforgiving and destructive.
There is a history of problems such as this.
I feel broken and want to quit.
Sorry for this long story.

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 12/08/2019 00:23

Did you find the poem in a text or something?
Did you know they were still in touch?

Wearywithteens · 12/08/2019 00:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 00:31

yes I found emails and I've not said anything for a while but finally did yesterday and it all came out.
I knew they were in touch but he presents it differently.... he says just old friends/ family news/ happily married/ her lovely mother he remembers etc.
To be fair she reconnected with him first but my point is about how he chose to respond (and given a history of emotional affair and kiss with work colleague last year!) Now do you get me?!
Now he is sorry and explaining it all and says he will end the communicatiobn but to me such damage has been done. He says I'm over reacting and obssessive .

OP posts:
walkinwar · 12/08/2019 00:35

If he has a recent history of emotional affair and kiss at work you are understandably suspicious as he's already broken your trust. This is the second time (that you know of), so for me that would be game over. He is deflecting in an attempt to deny.

BogglesGoggles · 12/08/2019 00:36

No, him having emotions isn’t abuse. I can appreciate that it’s not very nice but there’s no need to be so dramatic. Actual abuse is horrible to experience.

Wearywithteens · 12/08/2019 00:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Moomin8 · 12/08/2019 00:38

It's completely weird that he's writing poetry for a ex girlfriend, regardless of the words used. And shows a complete lack of respect for you.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 00:39

Of course it’s not emotional abuse. But it does suggest he’s not as committed to you as you’d hoped, sorry.

Moomin8 · 12/08/2019 00:41

Actually @HeadintheiClouds gaslighting is emotional abuse.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 00:43

hello Boggles Goggles
perhaps if I told you more you might understand.
I have only given a snapshot.
He has a history of tempers, moods and all the above that I have mentioned.
He argues every point with me, swears and shouts and puts me down.
He makes me feel I'm in the wrong and as some one above said he deflects, and minimises everything.
He says sorry and then gets cross that I can't quickly move on.
sorry but I'm not a saint.
If anything I'm too soft,
He hasn't had the bin bag treatment!

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 00:43

This is not gaslighting.

Wearywithteens · 12/08/2019 00:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 00:47

Right, well that certainly sounds like emotional abuse, op, but since you didn’t put it in your op I assume you didn’t take it very seriously, so ai can’t either.
I’m always suspicious of drip feeds which sound relevant. If they were that relevant they’d form part of the problem posted about in the first place.

RantyAnty · 12/08/2019 00:49

If you are unhappy in the relationship, break up.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 00:52

ok here are some of the things he has said to me in the last 24 hours...

  • Unforgiving obsessive, thick, angry, don't understand poetry, mentally unstable, over emotional, negative, unfriendly, critical of him, I frustrate him, I provoke him. I'm winding him up I've always been like this.. That's what you're like isn't it? a victim are you happy now you've set me up and so it goes on... I've been crying for most of the day and hardly eaten. I have spent weeks waiting to find the right time to tell him and knew that it would backfire on me just like last time. Also just to let you know, he is tired of all this now and how many years am I going to go on about it?! He says I haven't got the mental state to move on. I seem to have a problem.*
OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 00:53

So prove him wrong and move on Confused

ReanimatedSGB · 12/08/2019 00:58

Why on earth do you want to stay with this man? Is it about 'winning'? It really doesn't sound worth the effort - you can't make someone love you. Din him and move on.

LellyMcKelly · 12/08/2019 01:00

Oh just get rid. He’s writing poetry to another woman and telling her she’s beautiful. What more evidence do you need?

HennyPennyHorror · 12/08/2019 01:01

Your last post nails it for me. He's horrible. It's not the fact that he considers another woman to be beautiful but he wrote her a POEM! That's what lovers do.

Bin him. Pull the rug out from under his nasty feet.

howdyalikemenow · 12/08/2019 01:02

Bin him.

OliveToboogie · 12/08/2019 01:02

Move on he is a jerk.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 01:04

thank you to those of you who have shown understanding.
I just need some ressurance. I only have my elderly mum to talk to and it is too much for her.
To the poster saying I'm drip feeding.... well I'm sorry but I did my best to explain and sorry if it isn't clear. I am very depressed and have panic attacks about all this and yes I want to leave but it is difficult.

OP posts:
Moomin8 · 12/08/2019 01:04

He says I'm over reacting and obssessive

Yes, this is gaslighting.

He's writing romantic poetry for an ex and then accusing the OP of imagining that his behaviour is shit. And accusing her of being obsessive.

That's what gaslighting is!

tava63 · 12/08/2019 01:06

Can I ask a question? Does he tell you that you are beautiful? Does he make you feel beautiful?

MMmomDD · 12/08/2019 01:06

OP - it sounds like you have a lot of issues in your relationship, and are both unhappy.
So - poem or not it doesn’t really matter. You don’t need a reason to say that something isn’t working.

On another note - i’d find the act of writing a poem to another woman upsetting.
Telling someone that they are beautiful isn’t as personal as you make it sound. It’s a complement, sure. But It’s not like saying ‘I love you’. A married person can tell other people they are beautiful, it’s not a betrayal, not on its own.