He told her she's beautiful....

[ijustlovecrisps]

please tell me is this emotional abuse?
on going situation and long story...
He has been in contact with an ex girlfriend.
He wrote her a poem and in it included line "but still beautiful..."
I found out and "discussion" followed...a very emotional one full of anger, tears and upset.
Well he reckons it all meant nothing, "it's just a poem" he says.
"Beautiful is just a word.."
He confuses me saying he doesn't actually think she is beautiful but it was just the best word to use ?!!
He says he is sorry and it was a mistake but I cannot and I say again CANNOT get past the fact that he said it!
To me, as a woman, if a man says you are beautiful, that is very special and it hurts me that he has said it to another woman whilst still married to me!
I apologise if I haven't explained very well and I am emotionally and mentally drained with it all and all the other stuff |I have to put up with.
He says I'm a snoop and a snooper and lots of other things. He also said I don't understand poetry.
He could win an argument with God IMO!
I am both fuming and heartbroken about all this.
I give up.
As far as I'm concerned this other woman has been told she is beautiful by him.
He says he will message her soon to put a stop to it all. I have to forgive and move on. He also says I'm unforgiving.
To me it's not that simple.
He says I'm unforgiving and destructive.
There is a history of problems such as this.
I feel broken and want to quit.
Sorry for this long story.

@ijustlovecrisps I know it's hard but you really do need to find the strength to leave.

There is someone out there who will treat you well but you'll never find him if you stick with this current loser.

WTAF??? Did he give any reason why he was suddenly moved to write this poem to his ex, telling her she was still beautiful? He's got a bloody cheek!

I have spent weeks waiting to find the right time to tell him and knew that it would backfire on me just like last time. so you've kept your hurt and anger inside for WEEKS before confronting him about this? All that does is tell him you WILL put up with him being disloyal to you.

Honestly, it's best if you split up with him. He will never understand what is a reasonable amount of freedom in a relationship and what is completely unacceptable. He won't end this communication with her - he'll just get better at hiding it. If you stay with him after this, he will end up cheating on you (if he isn't already).

And whatever else you decide, go to some assertiveness classes so you have the confidence to confront people effectively.

when I say he "wins" every point what I mean is he has to have the last word, he is sarcastic, I feel like giving in, I feel like he never listens. He responds selectively and won't always answer me. I try so hard to communicate clearly and it never seems to work. He gets angry and shouts and rarely admits anything. I don't like conflict but he seems to like it.
Yes I should walk away but it is so hard to actually do it.
he say he is sorry and please don't leave and so on.

in answer to @tava63 yes he does tell me I'm beautiful but even so all I can say is that I feel so upset that he has told another woman the same.
And he also told the OW the same. Of course other people are beautiful, but if youre in a committed relationship you're not meant to say it to others. and a Relate counsellor said this too. He admits it was a mistake. The problem is I'm struggling to trust him again.
Iv'e tried to understand it all and listen to his explanations and he appears sorry, but he quickly gets cross with me again for mentioning stuff and crying etc.
(Sorry headintheclouds but you sound a little bit harsh to me)

get a grip about what?
I really don't understand?
I thought people gave support here?

Honestly, dump this man. This relationship is not working for you, it is making you miserable, whether or not he is a fannyrat or you are a professional victim. There are sources of support for dumping an unsatisfactory partner, whether the issues are about finance, housing or contact with DC. Don't waste any more of your life trying to make him 'love' you .

Have you got any reasons you actually want to stay with this man? I mean he sounds like he gives you literally nothing of value - what are the things you say to yourself that have kept you with him?

It is hard to give you advice, but what is clear is that his behaviour, including this poem, is causing you a lot of pain. When you are showing pain he is angry towards you. You don't believe what he is telling you. I think trust is as essential in a relationship as love. Look after yourself, if he wont' talk to you constructively can you get some counselling on your own to help you process this situation and find peace of mind?

It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. What matters is that he makes you feel bad. Some women put up with their husbands banging other women because they can’t be on their own. Everyone has different boundaries and needs. You have a right to your own boundaries and your own needs. Your need is to be with someone who doesn’t call other women beautiful. Some women wouldn’t care. You do and that’s ok. You are your own person and what you want/need matters. A healthy relationship is supporting each other’s needs. He doesn’t care what you need. He doesn’t care how you feel, as long as he’s getting what he wants. That’s not supportive or right or healthy. You don’t have to have permission to end this relationship. If he’s making you feel bad you can end it. Be firm in your own mind. I couldn’t tolerate this. If my partner told someone else they were beautiful (a real life person rather than commenting on a pop star/model) then it would be game over for me. It’s disrespectful in my eyes and respect is hugely important to me. The truth is that you’ll be much happier if you end things and stand firm. You can then be proud of yourself that you stood up for what you believe and set a boundary. To me it sounds like he’s trying to instigate something with the ex and you’re being mucked around. The only way to win the game with somebody like him is not to play. You are currently comfort blanket woman and safety net. Be neither. Be the leading lady in somebody’s life. If it was me I’d say “our relationship is over, please don’t contact me again. Telling somebody else they are beautiful is a deal breaker for me. I don’t care that you are sorry. You should have had more respect and intelligence to know that’s a wrong move. You didn’t so it means I’m no longer interested in you. All the best in pursuing this woman as it’s obvious you’re not getting what you need from me. I’m not getting what I need from you so it’s time to move on. Don’t message me about any of this again. I’m done with you”

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

I don’t think there are many people in a relationship with another person who would be ok with their partner writing or expressing odes to or about their ex.

This would make even the strongest of people doubt the bond they had with their partner. As it wasn’t all that long ago that he involved himself with another outside your relationship, this will clearly add more salt to a recovering wound.

I cannot say what you should or shouldn’t do, as I understand that emotions can be complex and it’s not my life, it’s yours. In light of the other information you have given however, the quality of the communication and respect and trust between you, is not healthy nor happy.

I’m sure you are very hurt as I would be, it is hurtful when you realise that the other isn’t as committed as you or is not behaving in the ways you feel are loving or kind. If he does not want to treat you in the way you feel you deserve, then make the executive decision to treat yourself in the way you feel you deserve.

Thank you for the last few comments and especially to pebblemix for taking the time to write so much.
@tava63 thank you and yes he does get angry when I show pain. He can and does comfort me at times but it is inconsistent. He just can't cope with emotions. he is very pragmatic in his approach. he just want it all to go away and everything will be ok.
I do think respect and trust are at the heart of this and I have tried so hard to get over it. And I think he does love me but as @pebblemix says he doesn't give me what I need. I have had some counselling and most of what you say echoes what my therapist said... about how it makes me feel. I am trying to get stronger. I say I want to separate and he will agree and then says please stay .. want it to work etc and I'm so confused.

and thanks to 2812
just read your message now

You must choose to do what you feel is the right thing by you and for you.

No-one here can say what that is because we are not you. We are not in your relationship and we are not feeling your feelings nor living your life.

The best advice I can give before making such a decision would be to give it space. Give some space around all the mental and emotional anguish and thoughts. Do other things with other people and/or by yourself and allow yourself some respite from all the over-thinking, then right answer normally comes all by itself and you’ll make it from a calmer place within you rather than in the heat of turmoil.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

I'd be moving on once I found out he'd written her a poem - no matter what was in it. I write poetry and it takes ages to do, and requires a lot of thought and feeling. The fact that he decided to write one for her would be enough for me. I'd be out of there.

Curious as to how long you have been with him? Do you have a job? Any children?

Thank you and @shippingnews
He said she told him she still had poems he wrote for her when they were together (I didn't know this)
So this prompted him to write one for her. He also told her that "not everyone gets a poem written about them"!
He tells me he now regrets it.
He confuses me.

Have been together 20 plus years and lots of children and dependants and family complexities that make it hard for me to leave. Left a profession to help family and just do voluntary

He just can't cope with emotions.
Oh no, my dear. You are mistaken.

He can cope with emotions. He is fine with his own emotions. What he can't abide is your emotions. They remind him that you are a separate human being to whom he owes respect.

He wants you to judge him only by his (in his mind) unimpeachable intentions, not by his actual behaviour.

Do you want to know the reason for all of 'your' problems communicating? For the feeling that nothing you are saying is being taken on board? The reason why your completely reasonable objection to your H writing love poetry to another women is being met with anger and abuse?
The answer is that you are dealing with an out and out narcissist.

End this relationship. It is never going to get better.

You have a right to your own boundaries and your own needs. Your need is to be with someone who doesn’t call other women beautiful. Some women wouldn’t care. You do and that’s ok. You are your own person and what you want/need matters. A healthy relationship is supporting each other’s needs. He doesn’t care what you need. He doesn’t care how you feel, as long as he’s getting what he wants. That’s not supportive or right or healthy. You don’t have to have permission to end this relationship.
Excellent wisdom there from Problemix

(Oh and LOL at 'you don't understand poetry' - he is really scraping the barrel there.)

Good advice from mathanxiety.

You are trying to make this better, find ways to be heard but he isn't interested in resolving the issues. Nothing you do or say will change that.

The question is why you tolerate this. Are you married? Could you work? How old are the children?

The best approach is to seek legal advice and get counselling. Do not tell him you are getting advice to leave as often leaving will cause him to behave worse.

Once you realise you deserve to be treated well then you will find ways to leave

Sorry headintheclouds but you sound a little bit harsh to me

Me too. Have you read her posts? She sounds like she needs support not snarkyness

You need to investigate how to get back into your profession - what would you need to do to renew accreditation, and could you start back part time?

How old are your children? How many?

Home owned or rented?

(Sorry 'Pebblemix', not Problemix )

I understand it would be hard to leave and why they wouldn't want you to when you take care of everyone. I can see you are a giving person.
Who is giving to you? Who is there for you?

It might be good for you just to spend some time apart just to find yourself again. I don't know if you're still seeing the counsellor but it might be helpful to see them again to see how you can begin to untangle yourself from all the obligations. You deserve happiness and a life too.