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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He told her she's beautiful....

146 replies

ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 00:21

please tell me is this emotional abuse?
on going situation and long story...
He has been in contact with an ex girlfriend.
He wrote her a poem and in it included line "but still beautiful..."
I found out and "discussion" followed...a very emotional one full of anger, tears and upset.
Well he reckons it all meant nothing, "it's just a poem" he says.
"Beautiful is just a word.."
He confuses me saying he doesn't actually think she is beautiful but it was just the best word to use ?!!
He says he is sorry and it was a mistake but I cannot and I say again CANNOT get past the fact that he said it!
To me, as a woman, if a man says you are beautiful, that is very special and it hurts me that he has said it to another woman whilst still married to me!
I apologise if I haven't explained very well and I am emotionally and mentally drained with it all and all the other stuff |I have to put up with.
He says I'm a snoop and a snooper and lots of other things. He also said I don't understand poetry.
He could win an argument with God IMO!
I am both fuming and heartbroken about all this.
I give up.
As far as I'm concerned this other woman has been told she is beautiful by him.
He says he will message her soon to put a stop to it all. I have to forgive and move on. He also says I'm unforgiving.
To me it's not that simple.
He says I'm unforgiving and destructive.
There is a history of problems such as this.
I feel broken and want to quit.
Sorry for this long story.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 12/08/2019 18:04

Do you think this man even likes you??

I wouldn't even want someone like him to like me, to be honest.

Thesuzle · 12/08/2019 18:10

I didn’t even get to the bottom of “that list “
LEAVE HIM FOR GODS SAKE

31RueCambon · 12/08/2019 18:14

This is abuse OP.
You must feel anxious and unhappy.
Leave him.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 18:36

I'm sorry and embarrassed to say but I had a kind of breakdown before. I feel like I need to go to the doctors. We were rowing about it again. I was trying to explain that I don't think I can get over all this. I have to tell him - I can't hide my feelings and I said it is unfair to him. I have to be honest. He got frustrated that I kept asking to explain the beautiful comment. He called me a bully because I wouldnt leave him alone. That was it for me - I said I was going away for a while. But I just collapsed to the floor, crying and in a terrible state. I was in a bad way. He has looked after me and got me on the sofa. I think he is very worried about me now and said I've had an "episode" and need to calm down. I just feel alone and powerless. I can see he is concerned and says we mustn't discuss it for a few days.
I don't feel like eating or leaving the house and my head hurts and I feel exhausted.
I feel awful admitting this.
Why is all this happening?

OP posts:
readitandwept · 12/08/2019 18:43

He's pretending to be worried about your "episode". Even by calling it that, he's making you out to be the problem. And of course it suits him not to discuss it for a few days. He's hoping you'll just let it go after that.

It's happening because your "partner" is a horrible excuse for a human being who knows just how to exploit your weaknesses.

Hidingtonothing · 12/08/2019 18:51

I'll say it again OP, you need head space from this man. He is messing with your head and clouding your thinking and you won't be able to see it until you get some distance from him. Is there any way you can get away, or get him to go for a few days? I really think you need it Flowers

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 19:09

Yes I will stay at my mums for a few days. I have tried to leave twice now. My mum is going to speak to him but she doesn't find it easy. (She has done a little bit on the phone). She was on the phone just before it happened. I feel awful burdening her with it all but I haven't really got anyone else. I feel distraught. I have a friend I talk to but I am careful not to bother her too much about it all and she is so good to me.
I suppose that's why I write on here to all of you.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 12/08/2019 19:13

That's what we're here for OP Smile I just think you need to press pause on the whole thing for a few days, let your brain process what's been happening and start to form your own conclusions without his voice in your ear so you can't think. Talk to us, as and when you need but try to get some rest and just let yourself 'be', it doesn't sound like you get any chance for that with him around.

LittleWing80 · 12/08/2019 19:16

OP - this sounds familiar 😢. He will gradually convince you that you are crazy, oversensitive and paranoid and out of sheer kindness he is offering to forget about the kiss and the poem to ‘help’ you get back to your senses.

Have you got someone in real life to confide in, to get you out of this toxic situation for a few hours. You need headspace to see the situation for what it is.

Don’t feel embarrassed, anyone in that situation would feel vulnerable. Seek help from friends and family x

ImNotYourGranny · 12/08/2019 19:22

You'll feel so much better once you're free from this manipulative scumbag. Honestly OP, you're worth so much more than this.

Singlenotsingle · 12/08/2019 19:30

He's emotionally absent. The relationship has finished, as far as he's concerned, but he's not brave enough leave so you'll have to do it for him. The sooner the better because he's doing his utmost to make you miserable.

When we have a partner, our role in life is to make the dp happy, to improve life for him/her. Otherwise what's the point? It needs to end, because you'll be much better off on your own. Writing poetry to someone else is the least of it!

mathanxiety · 12/08/2019 20:30

You can see he is concerned?
He says you mustn't discuss it for a few days?

He is not 'concerned'.
Of course he would prefer not to discuss this matter, for a few days or for ever.

This man wants to convince you that you are crazy.
The incident - his betrayal of you - is your episode now?

Your H is a cruel and very, very dangerous man.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2019 20:37

OP - you need to stop the voluntary caring and either get paid for it or find a paid carer to do it.

Forget your age. Unless you're almost 65 you are hot to trot.
You need to get back into your profession or some allied field.

Could you be a sole practitioner?

Alternatively -
Can you type?
Do you know Microsoft office?
Excel?

Any bookkeeping skills?

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2019 20:48

Bloody hell. He told you you needed to calm down?! Wtaf?? He is extremely abusive, OP.

Picture this: you’re still with him in 20 years, he’s still doing this awful behaviour and telling you it’s normal. How would that make you feel?

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 21:50

This is what I fear and have said so. He says I'm getting myself in a state and he will now look after me. I do get so emotional but I feel so upset. I actually hold back from saying lots of stuff!
When I said how hurtful it was when he called me a bully he said sorry but it was just in the heat of the moment in a row! This is what he always says!

OP posts:
readitandwept · 12/08/2019 21:54

Nah, he'll tell you that's what he's doing, while only really looking out for himself.

Look after yourself, starting now.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 21:55

He says he is prepared to move on and he is sorry but it is me holding things back as I can't forgive and get over everything.
He reminds me that it wasn't a full blown affair and I need to get things on to perspective!
I also tell him that if anything it is the way he treats me that I can't take anymore and these inappropriate relationships have just been the final straw.

OP posts:
readitandwept · 12/08/2019 22:03

Christ, I hate this dickhead.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 22:15

Honestly I always wish somebody else could be in the room to hear him. But that never happens. I know I'm not perfect but I don't say some of the things he does. Counselling has helped me to be a bit more assertive and honest but I still get scared about his reactions... today has shown that again. I don't seem brave enough to just go but it is also difficult to do.
I am in early 50s and will probably go back to some kind of work.

OP posts:
AmourToujours · 12/08/2019 22:22

I've been in your shoes and the biggest mistake was to somehow cling to the idea that he was the one that needed to comfort me, apologise, understand, change to make me feel better and for it all to go away.

But the kind of person who could truly make it better wouldn't have done those things in the first place.

Please don't waste any more of your precious time trying to get him to understand.
He can't and won't.

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 22:33

Thanks for what you've all said.
I know I've spent years trying to understand him and hoping he would change. Neither will happen.

OP posts:
AmourToujours · 12/08/2019 22:37

I know and it's hard to stop but turn all that energy inwards and it'll be okFlowers

Original poster
ijustlovecrisps · 12/08/2019 22:39

Thank you and I hope you're ok now

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 12/08/2019 22:39

What a horrible vile selfish entitled gaslighting manipulative bastard you have saddled yourself with OP.

Good luck.

AmourToujours · 12/08/2019 22:42

Yes I am OP. I can't tell you how much better life gets the minute you say stop.
It's peaceful.
You stop doubting yourself and have tonnes more energy. More time for friendships.
You can do it.