He told her she's beautiful....

[ijustlovecrisps]

please tell me is this emotional abuse?
on going situation and long story...
He has been in contact with an ex girlfriend.
He wrote her a poem and in it included line "but still beautiful..."
I found out and "discussion" followed...a very emotional one full of anger, tears and upset.
Well he reckons it all meant nothing, "it's just a poem" he says.
"Beautiful is just a word.."
He confuses me saying he doesn't actually think she is beautiful but it was just the best word to use ?!!
He says he is sorry and it was a mistake but I cannot and I say again CANNOT get past the fact that he said it!
To me, as a woman, if a man says you are beautiful, that is very special and it hurts me that he has said it to another woman whilst still married to me!
I apologise if I haven't explained very well and I am emotionally and mentally drained with it all and all the other stuff |I have to put up with.
He says I'm a snoop and a snooper and lots of other things. He also said I don't understand poetry.
He could win an argument with God IMO!
I am both fuming and heartbroken about all this.
I give up.
As far as I'm concerned this other woman has been told she is beautiful by him.
He says he will message her soon to put a stop to it all. I have to forgive and move on. He also says I'm unforgiving.
To me it's not that simple.
He says I'm unforgiving and destructive.
There is a history of problems such as this.
I feel broken and want to quit.
Sorry for this long story.

Stop tying yourself in more knots, these ‘men’ fry our brains, stop the damage now and take steps to ending this destructive cycle, you will gain control and feel positive if you take action, nothing will change until you make changes

I want to cry and run away!

I'm not surprised and I genuinely wonder how much more of this you can stand, I wish you could see just how cruelly he is messing with your head. It says a lot that the doctor could also see it, and that he was concerned about your stress level. Getting away from him would be an act of self preservation at this point, it would appear he is trying his best to mentally break you OP

If I called another woman beautiful my OH would go batshit; if I wrote an ex a poem saying it, I'd be dismembered.

He's conditioned you well, OP. I suspect you'll recognise yourself on the www.outofthefog.net website FOG being fear, obligation and guilt).

Why are you even questioning it? We have very little time on this earth...he is wasting it on taking to an ex.

Don't tolerate it, he is abusing you.

WHY ARENT YOU GONE ALREADY!?????????

Yes I know I'm pathetic!
Not gone already because I have fear obligation and guilt!
Thanks Steve for your post and advice. I will look at the "fog" website.

And as for telling women they are beautiful he also told the OW at work last year that she is a beautiful woman!

Whoa - what did I just read?

When I ask him questions about it all and seek reassurance

So stop asking him questions and seeking reassurance!

He has betrayed you. He doesn't like you.

This man isn't your friend. It would be very helpful for you to start considering him your adversary, and to stop handing yourself to him on a plate.

Your relationship is over. He doesn't want you as a wife, a life partner to love, honour, or respect. He wants you handy so he can sneer at you and enjoy causing you pain. he gets his chance every time you ask him a question or seek reassurance.

When I ask him questions about it all and seek reassurance
Forgot the italics.

I spoke to a doctor as I was so stressed and the doctor said it is emotional abuse and said I am very stressed.
When I told my husband he as usual cast doubt and questioned eg "Is he legally qualified?!"
"did he hear both sides?"
"That's just his opinion" etc etc
"thanks for reporting me"
this is typical of his reactions...
He has now agreed to reserach the meaning of emotional abuse but I expect a contrary response

Oh for the love of puppies.

What are you hoping to achieve here?

He is laughing so hard at you, with his promise to research emotional abuse.

Stop talking to him about yourself, your feelings, the stress that he caused.

Stop appealing to his better nature. There is none.

Stop expecting a personality transplant in response to your appeals.

He has no reason whatsoever to stop what he is doing. He is getting everything eh wants out of the relationship exactly as it stands.

What he wants is to treat you with complete and utter contempt, to rub his contempt of you in your face, and then sit back and listen to you beg him for love and respect.

I do believe you want him to agree with you that he is being emotionally abusive.

Stop seeking his agreement.

You are right in everything you say. @mathanxiety thanks for reminding me. I kind of wish I had a sister who could help me and talk to me.
I always want someone to stand up for me and speak to him. But I've realised there is no point.
Only in very recently have I begun to get the strength to leave him.
Yesterday he said he won't lose his temper again and to give him a chance.
I don't believe him.

He will never agree that he is abusive! 12 years after I left my x he is still referring to my twisted ways! What does shift, 360 degrees though, is your need for his blessing or approval. I am so detached from my x's opinion of me now. I know I am a good, sane, self-aware person. I know I deserve respect. Anybody who is in my life now shows me respect. That is what matters.

I agree with Math. Do not give him an insight in to your thoughts!!

He will just become more covert now.

You are spending all your time and emotional energy trying to get him to agree with you.

Please stop it. He won’t agree with you, he enjoys debating and tying you in knots. It’s a game to him.

If you had a sister, she would NOT be speaking to him and trying to persuade him you were right. She would be helping you plan how to leave.

You need to stop talking to him and talk to OTHER PEOPLE who can help you do this. Like a solicitor and letting agent .

What’s your work and housing situation ?

Have a read of THIS THREAD
He will come out with all sorts of reasons why HE is NOT emotionally abusive.
It will all be YOUR fault.
He will turn it all around on you.
Just watch!

Hello, OP. I commented on some of your other threads. I am sorry that you have been struggling so much for the past several days.

As I have said before, your H is a cruel and abusive narcissist. He will never ‘come around’ and admit to his tyrannical and manipulative behavior because he gets sadistic satisfaction in diminishing you. Your attempts to convince and challenge him actually provide ammunition for him to further brutalize you.

Your beliefs about yourself in relation to your H can change. I hope that you will continue to work with your therapist to strengthen your self-esteem and your resolve to separate yourself emotionally and physically from him. You can learn to change your thinking. You do not have to depend on his agreement.

Is it possible for you to tend to your obligations while living elsewhere?

As for this ex, I understand that the beautiful remark hurts, but he has been sending her affectionate messages for many months and she has sent him a swimsuit photo. You already knew that they were having an emotional affair. You already know what he is capable of.

All of your threads are under different usernames. With respect, if you would just update this thread, then all of us who care can give you continuous support.

Thank you everyone,
and hi to @MsDogLady - I remember your name and you giving me advice before... and yes I have posted under different names. I feel embarassed now and the reason I change names is beacause I think you will all wonder why I still haven't acted and left etc. why have i still not done something? But this is my problem.... I want to do it but still feel unable. I can't quite do it yet. But I am working on it and your advice about building up my self esteem and resilience is what I need to hear.

sorry, @MsDogLady but how do I update the thread? Not sure what you mean? x

Don’t be embarrassed! We want to show support and nobody should judge you. I admire you because you are on a very difficult journey and are asking for advice.

When I said update, I just meant adding to the thread like you have been and we can continue interacting with you. If you feel more comfortable starting new threads, that is good, too. It may help you to get other perspectives.

Thank you
Your message helps me x