He told her she's beautiful....

[ijustlovecrisps]

please tell me is this emotional abuse?
on going situation and long story...
He has been in contact with an ex girlfriend.
He wrote her a poem and in it included line "but still beautiful..."
I found out and "discussion" followed...a very emotional one full of anger, tears and upset.
Well he reckons it all meant nothing, "it's just a poem" he says.
"Beautiful is just a word.."
He confuses me saying he doesn't actually think she is beautiful but it was just the best word to use ?!!
He says he is sorry and it was a mistake but I cannot and I say again CANNOT get past the fact that he said it!
To me, as a woman, if a man says you are beautiful, that is very special and it hurts me that he has said it to another woman whilst still married to me!
I apologise if I haven't explained very well and I am emotionally and mentally drained with it all and all the other stuff |I have to put up with.
He says I'm a snoop and a snooper and lots of other things. He also said I don't understand poetry.
He could win an argument with God IMO!
I am both fuming and heartbroken about all this.
I give up.
As far as I'm concerned this other woman has been told she is beautiful by him.
He says he will message her soon to put a stop to it all. I have to forgive and move on. He also says I'm unforgiving.
To me it's not that simple.
He says I'm unforgiving and destructive.
There is a history of problems such as this.
I feel broken and want to quit.
Sorry for this long story.

He's being very cruel to you saying those things, when he is in the wrong. Bloody cheek! I couldn't trust this guy at all. So disrespectful to call another woman beautiful.

I don't know your situation but ask him to leave. Not worth the worry and pain. You could be having a much better life. Take care x

He's a knob, especially telling you that you don't understand poetry! Does he think you're an idiot?! You need to leave him. Can you call women's aid for some more advice?

He’s an asshole. Move on.

I totally get it, I found a whole pile of poems, they were 11 years old but it was incredibly hurtful, such stuff in the ones I found as emotions of you are flowing through my soul’ and ‘it will all be worth it if we become one’ . In my case I was told it was a crush with a very young woman and it went a bit far on his part , she apparently had no idea. All I can say is it’s hugely hurtful

The counsellor helps me and knows I'm depressed and says I have to get strong and make the decision to leave myself.
And yes even just the "you don't understand poetry " comment really hurt me.
He actually sent this poem to her and she responded all soppy rubbish!
he wrote a poem about the OW last year but she didn't see it whereas I did.
What I find really difficult is the twisting and turning and what I call the mind games and emotional abuse.
He says hurtful stuff and then later he apologises and says he was angry or upset.
He is making huge attempts to explain this poem and everything and is apologising but I just don't trust him.
And I'm sorry that it happened to you as well (the last comment)
I have woken up feeling utterly depressed again.

He sounds like utter trash tbh! Who writes a poem for an ex anyway? I would leave him without thought hair from what he has been calling you, but I understand you have to get everything in order so do that. Don't spend anymore of your precious time on this gaslighting weird two-bit Shakespeare.

She got back in touch with him and he says he wishes she hadn't done so. But even so it's how he has chosen to respond that disappoints me.
He told me some of it and I agreed he could meet her in a family reunion setting. But he didn't tell me everything. I got a watered down version of the messages and then finally he met her again and did'nt tell me.
She actually lives miles away and the opportunity to meet is rare. Even so, they have been regularly messaging.
He sent the poem the day after he met her last time!
All this is almost a re run of last year with the OW at work and I just repeated patterns of behaviour.
He disagrees as usual. I feel like I'm losing my mind. He says he wants it to work between us but I can't get this out of my head.

Get some legal advice and divorce this guy! He isn't over his ex and he's still in love with her. I can't believe he's trying to turn it around on you and make you feel like you're in the wrong. You're worth more than this! Don't let him carry on treating you like you're a runner up prize

Listen to your counsellor.

Listen to wise posters like mathanxiety.

Do you want to leave ? What are the practical issues you need to overcome ?

He always makes me feel in the wrong. He is very clever with his words and I struggle to get my point across and then I get so stressed I can't remember what I was saying. He gives mixed messages.
And I get panic attacks and just crumble. My heart beats so fast.
He refuses to go for counselling about his anger and issues whatever they are.
I've told him that I feel he puts others before me. he says sorry and will try again but it never lasts for long.
I have to get away.

Mate, quit while you're behind. He sounds awful. Please don't waste any more of your life with him.

Thank you everyone and I should say thanks to @mathanxiety as you gave good advice. Sorry I forgot to answer. Most of the children are grown up but still here if you get me. I also care for someone but it is ok .
I am unable to work at the moment due to family stuff and helping elderly relatives so I just do a little bit of voluntary work that is linked to my profession. I also have less confidence. my age doesn't help in all this.

Just leave. Life is too short to waste on such a horrible man. He will never make you happy.

And you love this man who said all these horrible things to you in one 24 hour period?
He had a emotional affair and kissed someone last year and sent his ex a poem the day after meeeting up with her. You state you think he loves you.

Your therapist isn't helping you if you still believe he loves you. No-one who really loves you could possibly treat you the way he does.

Both you and your DP are setting the grown up children who still live at home an appalling example of relationships. They have little chance of coming out of this situation well either. They are likely to be the future downtrodden partners or follow their father/ stepfather figure and abuse others.

You have a responsibility to them to leave and show them your DP's behaviour is unacceptable. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for them.

Yes, I know and think about it a lot. They don't know much about these other women, if at all. On the whole we've kept it from them but they do know about his moods and tempers. But on the whole he gets on well with them.
Without me saying too much they have discussed with me (not him) about separating.
As regards the question does he love me? All I can tell you is that he says he does but I don't feel it. The many years make this so difficult and I know others on MN experience similar to me.

Why oh why do you think you are worth so little?
This guy is a grade A cunt.
He manipulates, he gaslights, so yes, he is abusvie.
Just read your posts again.
HE says this - HE says that - etc...
Who gives a shit what he says?
He's full of bullshit and the sooner you realise this the better.

I'm glad you are having counselling.
Your counsellor is right, it's up to you to leave and you need to do it when you are ready.
But after all of this.... Why aren't you ready yet?
What are afraid of?
You could have a wonderful life away from this crap.
Away from this liar and cheat.
Why sabotage your own life like this?

You do have a problem OP.
HIM!!! He is your problem.
He is messing with your head.
When you make the decision to leave, the weight that you will feel lift from your shoulders will be huge.
The relief you will feel will be massive.

Just get away.
He won't change - EVER.
Put yourself first and live your best life.
Not this crappy half life with this vile man.
Take back control of your life.
Stop listening to him. He's just a man.
You can do so much better without him.

I am assuming you had an abusive childhood.
Please get in touch with Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme ASAP.

RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I'm with @Moomin8. He's making it your fault, classic abusive behaviour: deny, minimise, deflect. My ex was writing songs for OW and I was just a jealous cow who didn't understand him or his music the way she did! By telling you you don't understand poetry he's telling himself that he isn't doing anything wrong; he's so sensitive and emotional and you don't get him. I know it's easy for other people to say LTB, but you are worth more than this abusive shite. Hugs.

You need some time away from him OP, away from his words, his excuses, his moods and his opinion so you can think straight. He's fucking with your head and you can't see it (although you're starting to I hope) because he's filling your consciousness with him, his feelings, his thoughts which leaves no room for you and yours. All this will become so clear to you once you're away from him, please give yourself that chance to see him for what he is

Have you seen "The Narcissist's Prayer" ?

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did
You deserved it.

Who does this remind you of?

Oh dear

Yes I did have difficult childhood. Can you tell?
You are all kind and understanding

Bottom line, he has no business sending another woman a poem. That is a very intimate act and represents emotionally cheating on your partner. In some ways, that is almost more hurtful than some crude sexting because it is so much more personally involved. You cannot change his behaviour though and need to work out if you want to leave and work on that.

It really doesn't matter whether you can trust him or not. He makes you miserable, and you'll be happier without him.

Sounds like a lot of drama to me, I would stay clear x

Sorry but I don't understand what you mean exactly by drama?