Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

And evict his child as well who will want to be with the primary carer ? Nope, the law doesn't allow that- although unfortunately as they are not married the OP needs to seek legal advice quickly although she is on the deeds.

I think he's pushing for the OP to leave because as she said, she can't afford the mortgage on her own so it makes sense for him to buy her out.

If he's actually trying to force her out with nowhere to go then he's a dick. But the OP has said that he wants to sit down and figure out the arrangements for where she and the daughter will go so it doesn't seem like he's trying to throw them out on the streets. Someone will have to leave and seeing as the OP can't afford this house, what else would you suggest?

I do think that he checked out a long time ago and is very keen to separate as quickly as possible so isn't being mindful to the fact that this is all still very raw for the OP. It'd be nice for him to slow down a bit.

People are allowed to end relationships for whatever reason

It is reasonable to expect a long term partner to discuss issues especially where there is a child involved. Where there is sudden detachment it often points to another woman.

It is in the child's best interests that the parents work on an amicable split and if he is adopting a harsh cruel approach that will not end up for the child's best interests.

'do think that he checked out a long time ago and is very keen to separate as quickly as possible so isn't being mindful to the fact that this is all still very raw for the OP. It'd be nice for him to slow down a bit.'

Agree

And I hope with all my heart he does but I'm not convinced.

He is trying to discuss the issues but the OP says she is too emotionally fragile to contemplate having the talk! Maybe he is thinking the OP will have to go back to full time work so he wants 50/50 custody. Why are we assuming this man wants his child out on the street?

Abusers are always the perpetual victim & all I see here is someone who has admittedly been mistrustful & questioning of her partner for 12 years on & off, due to anxieties from a past relationship

If the roles were reversed we would be much more supportive of the male in this situation as it has been described here.

Abuser I ain't

OP all you seem to care about in relation to your partner is how they make you feel & what you want. Do you actually want him to be happy ? That is what true love is about.

This is what happens when you push people too far. It happened with an ex of mine, one small thug & I just snapped. It wasn’t about this one incident. This incident is what finally lifted the veil & he sees you for who you really are & unfortunately he believes that person isn’t going to change. It is better to break up now when kids are young than stay for the family & kids grow up, move out & you are stuck with someone you have grown to dislike. Neither of you sound happy so a separation will breathe a new life into both of you. Like shedding an old skin

To be fair abusers rarely see themselves as anything but victims. People rarely admit to it & you have not get had the conversation with him so you don’t know his opinion on the matter. Once you have the talk you may be in a better position to understand his feelings & thought processes on the reasons for the relationship demise

I'm not 'the victim'

And yes I want him to be happy and hopefully amicable eventually as he adores our Dd.

Being sad and asking advice shouldn't necessarily come across as making myself a 'victim' I can assure you I won't be resting on my laurels crying but it's 48 hrs and I miss him incredibly.

Yes I agree he snapped. Nothing I can do about that now. Just want what's best for us all but primarily Dd.

I did take exception to him calling me 'pathetic for not being able to face work'

But everyone knows him and the constant 'ah how's dp' and having to smile all day with no where to have a minute made me panic. Perhaps some of you could go and do a 14 hour day 10 hours after your 12 year relationship went down the pan. I couldn't hack it.

I'm not trying to paint myself as a bloody 'victim' just turned to 'relationships' because I wanted some help and a hand hold.

I'm so grateful for all the posts even the way off the mark ones.

I think people are finding it difficult to advise because you haven't given much detail about how you've actually behaved over the last 12 years. Are you actually jealous, insecure and controlling (ie emotionally abusive) or is this a one off incident that he's using so he can blame you for the end of the relationship? I might have missed it somewhere in the thread but more detail on your actions rather than feelings might help.

But certainly don't be turfed out of your own house. If you're the primary carer and have been working part time then you have contributed as much as he has, by doing the childrearing that enables his career. Either you both stay put and the house is sold and you each take a fair share and move on or he leaves for now while you sort work out so you can afford the mortgage. He can't just turf you and child out. In my eyes he's a twat for that thought alone.

But can you not see how you being so sick to call in at work could be seen as histrionic, or manipulative? Maybe you don’t mean it but he may be feeling that you crying, to the point you can’t breathe & need water etc.... if these are your types of reactions when things go wrong to melt down then it makes the other party feel guilty about their feelings - you change the focus from their feelings to how their feelings affect you. It is quite self centred.

Even you saying “nothing I can do now” - sounds helpless & victim like. You have been told there are many things you can do - be mature, have the conversation, stop begging, do the 180 method etc... separating & working on yourself as promised

I think what you mean by there is nothing you can do - there is nothing you can do to make him not want to separate. I believe when he called you pathetic for your emotional meltdown it really showed he is done with the relationship. He must have pandered to this for most incidents during the 12 years of marriage.

People can be abusive without meaning to be. I am wary to paint someone as possibly having their head turned here.

How have we made the leap to the OP being an abuser?

'But can you not see how you being so sick to call in at work could be seen as histrionic, or manipulative? '

No

If my relationship ended I would have time off and when my marriage ended just over 3 year ago I had a week off. I grieved, not because I missed him but because I had been with him for 12 years and it was a lot of wasted time.

OP, please bear in mind that reading forums such as mumsnet can give a pretty skewed view on the world...so much talk of ‘affairs’ and ‘catching people out’ it’s enough to make nearly anyone paranoid. Please try to keep a level view. If you feel you’ve been unreasonable reassure him you will seek outside help to change. But I strongly advise you to give him the mental space he obviously needs. Try to relax and allow him to remember that you and he and DD can laugh and smile and fun together. You can be strong and robust without being cold. But all of may take time. No ultimatums

@GoodBoyGhost reading through thread this is the conclusion I have come to based on. Does nobody else get the vibe the OP sees everything about how it affects her ? Being so hysterical needing to be fetched water ? It’s all very histrionic & from getting that just over the internet am imagining how tough that would be to have to coddle someone for 12 years & putting your feelings aside for them. It is just not fair to carry your baggage into your next relationship & expect someone to pay for your anxieties & insecurity. That kind of stuff kills love

The opposite of love is indifference not hate

I would also call in sick if my DH ended the relationship the night before. I don't think there's anything manipulative about that.

No there isn’t but it’s the boy who cried wolf isn’t it....

No there isn’t but it’s the boy who cried wolf isn’t it....

How?

OP you don't have to go anywhere, your name is on the deeds to the house. I found myself up shit creek as my ex ended the relationship late last year and we weren't married. He bought the house before we met. I've moved house with our DCs twice this year. There is no way you and your DD should have to live with the uncertainty of privately renting. Let him leave, you are the primary carer.

This is going to sound harsh. But you need to park all the emotional stuff and focus on the practical.

You are more financially vulnerable than him because

1. You are female and earn a lot less
2. You took maternity leave and went part time to care for his child but you are not married
3. You don’t have the same savings and pension as him
4. You will be the main carer for your child.
5. Your contributions to the relationship will sadly count for nothing whereas all his career development will benefit him and him alone.

You don’t have time to mourn the relationship and get counselling for whatever issues you have. That can come later.

You need legal advice NOW or you and your child are going to get screwed.

Also you need to do whatever it takes to go into work each day, however had you feel . You can’t afford to lose your job.

He has been planning this for a while and is WAY ahead of you on the planning . That’s why he’s pressing you to make decisions this week. That’s why he seems cold - he checked out weeks or months ago.

He’s not your friend. Don’t expect him to provide support or anything else anymore.

Don’t agree to talk to him about the future until you have got legal advice . Get all your paperwork together and make an appointment Tomorrow.

Right now I think you both need some space, take some time for yourself, it could be doing something you have wanted to try for ages or something simple like finding the time for a relaxing bath with candles or putting in that one outfit you own that makes you feel good.
He will get fed up of seeing you mopping around sad and hurt and I know it's bloody difficult and harder said then done but let him see you smiling and laughing playing and having fun with DD, but it has to be genuine.
Right now things are raw and that's not the best time to have conversations about what happens next, he may change his mind and want to work on things he may not but either way you both need a cooling of period to do things for yourselves before setting things out in stone.
As for work I totally get why you phoned in sick you must be going through a rollercoaster of emotions but work might be a welcomed distraction from home life

Wow, you're channelling your strength now, looking at statements. Not sure I could have faced that so soon in your shoes. Glad to hear you are able to face this and put your business head on.

Sorry to say that he doesn't sound all that kind. I would proceed with the worst case scenario that he will behave very badly.

As you say, half your house, you found it, made it a home and you half own it. He dumped you and if he is attempting to ORDER you what to do next he sounds more like a bully than a kind hearted man.

I also wonder if he's met somebody else. It's like he wants to speed up the breaking up process which is very hard to do.

@morven is right. If your contribution wasn't a large by a financial measure that was only because you took the career hit to look after your/his child. The financial sacrifice of parenthood took you down but not him.

Did you work full time prior to having your dc?

There was nothing wrong with you canceling your shift. However a relationship ends is difficult if you still love the person. Even if you cheated and they end it, that doesn't mean you won't be upset about it.

I think he's behaving very cold and its unnecessary...especially as you need to maintain a coparent relationship.

Is there any possibility of you increasing your hours at work? You might need to do that to support yourself.

When the property was purchased, did he ringfence his deposit? If not, it will likely all be seen as joint.

He may well have paid more, but you've been the primary carer and had you worked full time, childcare costs would probably have been more than the mortgage.

Don't let him screw you over with the house. If he buys you out, that's fine.

Meant to ask...did you say one of the babies you lost was buried there? I might have misunderstood (apologies if I have) but I didn't think you could do that in the UK...again..I don't know if you're in the UK.