Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

I don't find crying and taking a day off work at all histrionic. One of my male colleagues was distraught when his relationship ended and had a breakdown. One day of crying is nothing in this context. People are allowed to feel strong emotion at the thought of the loss of their relationship adn what they thought was a strong family unit, and the potential loss of their house where they look after their child.

Good point about childcare (often) being more than a mortgage. He has the right to buy you out but not the right to order you to clear off. He knows that!

If he talks to you in this way ''I will fight you'''. Respond as calmly as you can ''I will defend myself legally''. But keep your powder dry as to your particular 'arguments' .

I wonder why he wants you (and so, your daughter) gone with such HASTE!!

I hope this is turning you off him a little. Although ime, with all the receptors being lit up in response to emotions of pain and shock and upset, it takes about three weeks to be able to see clearly ''what shocking cruelty''.

The first chapter of How To Win Friends and Influence People was eye-opening to me. Nobody ever thinks ''I am being a shit here'', what they do instead is rationalisation justification gymnastics in their head to cast themself as the victim. So your best bet is to stay calm and stay strong.

As I said taking the day off is understandable, but if the OP has a pattern of histrionics (glass of water - check) I can see how the partner who is worn out might snap & call them pathetic.

I feel like the OP is concentrating on how cruel & harsh he was to say that, again making it about herself. He called her pathetic, ok it is cold & judgemental but is it the worst thing ever ? I think it is understandable for someone to be worn out having to pander to years & meltdowns

Yes calling in sick at work after a break up is totally understandable - but if the relationship is ending for the reasons the OP describes, I can see why this would now not have the intended effect & this person has snapped because they have had it & spoken a tad harshly but not verbally abusive. He spoke to her out of turn because he has had it. It is not great behaviour but it is not the worst

So you think taking a day off is completely understandable but also that the OP is being manipulative and histrionic by doing so. And you also think that him calling her pathetic is cold and harsh but the OP is wrong to be upset and mention in on an anonymous thread that she's created to get some support? What point are you actually trying to make?

Mention it*

At the end of the day the OPs actions and her DPs reactions are a bit off the scale. Perhaps one of them isn’t being honest or seeing their part in the situation. Perhaps both of them aren’t being honest or seeing their part in the situation. All we are getting is a version that the OP sees and believes.

It’s not normal to go hunting through someone’s private documents or whatever if they go to a concert on their own. It’s normal to ask a few questions yes, but more than that is prompted by something else. The OP says she hasn’t done it in years but she has done it before. It caused severe problems in their relationship. There is clearly more to this than the OP has explained or can explain.

Is his reaction over the top, yes it is if he had feelings for her. Unless the OPs history of snooping has left a bigger legacy than he or she realises. Or, he already wanted out for other reasons. But he got to not caring very quickly. He isn’t conflicted. He is rushing to end things.

It is normal to call in sick when your marriage fails. It is also normal to become cold and unemotional towards someone you are leaving and don’t have feeling for. Especially if they are trying to get you to change your mind and behaving in an over emotional way by crying and asking for a second chance.

To be realistic there is obviously more to this than the OP is saying or can see. But it doesn’t sound like a recoverable position anymore.

My point is to focus on how cruel he was to call her pathetic is part of the victim mentality. People say a lot of things during breakups. I think it is better to take ownership of your role in causing the issues than focus on one word spoken out of turn after 12,years of this person supposedly being supportive & understanding. People snap!

''He is gaslighting you into believing that your sporadic and very intermittent anxiety about his faithfulness has caused him, all of a sudden, to want to end the relationship ''

I agree. And whilst we all have thoughts about our partner/husband/bf that we might not share because we realise that our conclusions are still in the formation, he is showing no empathy for the fact that he has delivered his conclusion and it is not a shock to him but it is to you.

A grown up with a bit of empathy would understand that you need time to catch up.

Tbh I started off with one view and as the thread has developed with further info and updates from the OP, he doesn't sound that great a person.

At the end of the day they share a child and the nastiness and coldness is not helpful or healthy.

He had every right to end the relationship, but his subsequent behaviour, shows a different side of him.

Ending as amicably as possible and splitting assets fairly should be the end goal.

Anything les less will have a negative impact on your DD... and a sensible parent should bear that in mind.

Prawnsword.
How are you helping here?
Your contribution to this thread is just vile. 'Histronics' because she needed a glass of water and phoned in sick? When her 12 year relationship has just broke down.
Really?
Christ. You must have a heart of stone.

OP. If I were you right now, I would completely ignore anyone on this thread calling you a victim, abuser or being hysterical. Do not defend yourself to these completely blind interpretation of your chatacter.

Can people try to remember that there is a real heartbroken woman at the other end of this thread.

Christ, this relationship board as gone to crap lately.

Can I just point out that the title the OP gave her thread was ''Devastated''. Not ''How dare he!'', not ''He over-reacted'', not ''So how can I get him back'', not ''So angry''... these thread titles might in my opinion for what it's worth give a clue to slightly narcissistic reaction (not person, just reaction) to a partner establishing a boundary/ending a relationship but no, the emotion she felt was devastation that her partner was disappointed in her.

My point is to focus on how cruel he was to call her pathetic is part of the victim mentality. People say a lot of things during breakups. I think it is better to take ownership of your role in causing the issues than focus on one word spoken out of turn after 12,years of this person supposedly being supportive & understanding. People snap!

That's all fine and well for you to say but the reality is that people are not robots. The OP's reactions are completely normal and understandable given the circumstances. The OP's 12 year relationship ended just yesterday and things will still be very raw and it's ridiculous to expect her to be rational and stoic at this stage. It's not really how people work.

There are a lot of people posting with no understanding of abuse/narcissism @sassandfaff

OP.

I'm so sorry that your relationship is ending this way. If sleep is alluding you, I think short term sleeping pills might be a good idea from your GP.
I agree that you need legal advice and not to move out.
Your friend's advice of one day at a time is good.
Ive been on mn 10 years. I've seen women post who are suicidal, on the floor with grief for weeks. The fact that you are taking practical steps after 48 hours is bloody AMAZING.
Don't let anyone on here make you think otherwise.

@Banangana, exactly! And although there can be a lot of self-examination after a relationship breakup, hopefully leading to new insights and personal growth, 36-48 hours after the news was delivered is not the time for ''tough love''.

OP... a suitable response when he says he'll fight you on it... is to say, you don't want a fight.... you just want what's legally fair.

There are indeed many unhelpful responses here. You can give opinions with tact and diplomacy, without it being full of projection and assumptions.

Support doesn't mean pandering either...that's not my style.

A glass of water and calling in sick is nothing...
Especially facing a 14 hour shift.

Is it an over reaction? I wouldn't be happy if I was regularly having to prove I'd done nothing wrong. Maybe this time was the straw that broke the camel's back. I feel for you but don't blame him. You're punishing for the actions of your ex - that's not fair.

I don't see the issue with calling in sick to work. I think most folks would have done the same,

I'm a bit bemused though op about his anger and the way he's treating you.

Are you sure there isn't something else going on? There isn't someone else for him, or you've not behaved worse than you've admitted to?

His anger, abusive behaviour and trying to get you and your child to leave seems extremely over the top for what you've described occurred.

I'm so sorry, MarthasGinYard, it is a dreadful shock for you.

Regardless of whether he had emotionally checked out ages ago or had made a snap decision because he'd had enough - it's very new and raw for you and that's how you feel.

I have no respect for the earlier posters who've been enjoying themselves hugely at your expense, saying that there's another woman or that he's lying and hiding things from you - when you've said categorically that this isn't the case. They are being hugely disrespectful to you and actually silencing. I wish they'd STFU and I doubt I'm on my own there.

You've had some really good advice on this thread and, even though it will be very hard for you to follow the steps in M0RVEN's post, that's what I'd do. He's ended the relationship so turn to your friends for support and emotional comfort.

He's said that he wants to discuss the separation so, if you can face it, start making a plan as to what you will do and how it's going to work with your daughter. I'm not sure how old she is, perhaps I've missed it, but better that she's told as soon as you and he have come to an agreement as to extricating yourselves from the relationship and the family home.

I'm so very sorry. I know that the family holiday is going to smart with you but if it's ended then better that there's no more pretence that everything's ok.

I also don't see the issue with calling in sick, you needed to do that for yourself so you did. That's really understandable.

It's tricky that you work for the same organisation but perhaps that's something that's to be added to the discussion regarding how and when you'll tell colleagues.

To be realistic there is obviously more to this than the OP is saying or can see

I would have to agree with that. The anger is indicative there is something else at play here.

If it was just what rhe op said, then normally you'd have a more rational ending, the let's talk this can't go on kind of thing, how do we manage it best for the kids.

The sheer anger, telling her to leave, calling her pathetic, indicates something much much bigger had caused this.

The arrogance of some posters never ceases to irritate. OP says that he has done nothing, that there is nothing arising from the digging that she has done.

Whether there is anything else to be found or not, OP either doesn't know it or chooses (wisely) not to post it here. Cue a volly of earnest accusations against the partner who nobody here but the OP knows. She knows him, we don't. Pathetic.

PP said that this board has gone to shit lately (or words to that effect) and I agree with them.

I apologise, this thread has triggered me because am touchy on these things. Will respectfully step back from this thread as am not helping here.

Gosh, you poor thing.

You obviously need to get this sorted. Calm, polite and stoic. Sort things neutrally.

Speak to lots of friends and family. Get lots of support. Seriously, do not isolate yourself.

Speak to a solicitor if you can? Know what he can do and what you can do, and what he's not allowed to do. He cant kick you out of a jointly owned home.

Lastly, when you're past the thick of it all, please get some counselling. There is a reason why you did what you did. An underlying reason that needs to be dealt with and worked on. I speak as someone who has been there. It comes down to self esteem and I was sorely lacking in it. It sounds like that might be the case for you too.

You will be ok. Your DD will be ok. You will get through this and eventually, you will feel better.

Take care OP, I wish you all the strength in the world to tackle this.

I think it sounds like he was looking for a reason to split up.

I wouldn't care if DH looked through my purse or drawers because I've nothing to hide. He wouldn't though but I don't think I'd care if he did.