Devastated

[MarthasGinYard]

Have had an up and down relationship with a good DP for almost 12 years. I would say last 12 months much stronger.

Very Early worries of trust have always made me a tiny bit suspicious, but hand on heart nothing has ever really happened.

I found something the other night which didn't quite add up. My anxiety made me have a search through his things which is something I haven't done in years. When he came in from work, I asked him to just explain and he did completely. Felt much better but forgot to admit I'd had a dig around. He found I'd looked through his drawer. He went absolutely mad and I was honest and told him I'd had a snoop and reasons why and apologised.

He wants to call it a day says he's not happy. He can barely look at me. I feel terrible. I don't want my little family to split up. I've begged him to change his mind. We've been through similar once before. He says I've pushed him away and will never trust him. I actually do. I love him very much. probably haven't shown it enough. I've taken him for grafted and we are in a bit of a rut I guess.

Just need a hand hold through this. I have work today a long shift where have to be smiling and on the ball and don't know how I'll get through it. Haven't slept a wink. Please try to be gentle.

I'm in my 40's and I feel so vulnerable and worried about the future. I'd literally do anything to try and make things better. I think it might be too late.

If you have got this far

Thank you

Sorry I've just seen you jointly own the house.

The other posters are correct. Do not leave. Tell him he needs to leave.

Have you worked our child maintenance? There is a calculator on line. With this money and if you go back to work full time, can you afford to maintain the house?

Thanks

I'm on the mortgage and title deeds of house. I need to find last mortgage statement and see exactly how much we owe.

Looking at his work schedule I won't have to see him barely at all this week. Better if our paths don't cross.

And I agree. Think he'd checked out a while ago, although In reality he has been lovely recently, I think yes he had checked out.

Just to say that being unable to eat or keep food down is perfectly normal under your circumstances.

He’s flounced because you looked at his stuff. That’s an over-reaction and it makes me suspicious of him.

I haven't looked at the CM thing yet or the other stuff.

I know I will need to do this. I haven't got a clue.

He's always been very hands on and I must admit has paid most of bills including mortgage but obviously I've contributed too.

He's relatively higher earner with quite a few assets. I have a few savings but little else.

As you are not married he doesn't need to provide for you. He does need to provide for his child. When you feel able have a look at the online calculator and work out how much he needs to pay.

I find his reaction shocking to be honest. Relationships end, but trying to chuck uou and your child out your own home is beyond brutal.

Tell him in no uncertain terms neither of you are going. He will be the one to.

Stop playing the victim now. Time to stand up for yourself. You have rights here.

You need legal advice now! He is obvious intent on screwing you over and you need to be prepared to counter. Scan any financials ASAP!

He has a head start, keep your intentions on the down lo until you have scanned everything and taken legal advice.

I'll get some stuff copied today if I can infact could do it now whilst Dd still fast alsleep.

Sorry to harp on but it's so hard just getting sleep in hourly patches. I certainly don't want to come across as victim.

Thanks for understanding re the appetite thing. I just have that constant sick feeling.

bluntness has it spot on!

*As you are not married he doesn't need to provide for you. He does need to provide for his child. When you feel able have a look at the online calculator and work out how much he needs to pay.

I find his reaction shocking to be honest. Relationships end, but trying to chuck uou and your child out your own home is beyond brutal.

Tell him in no uncertain terms neither of you are going. He will be the one to.

Stop playing the victim now. Time to stand up for yourself. You have rights here*

This with bells on it!

Seems we owe around 110.000 on mortgage.

Property was bought for 195.000 we put down 50,000 deposit.

Property now worth around 250,000.

I need to photocopy some documents today and put them back.

Mortgage payments are 830 a month, TBH there is no way I could pay that.

Really outing on the off chance that someone recognised me but another thing which is eating me up is we work for the same company.

We work at different places but the same industry and I'm such a private person at work but dread facing it all.

My friend last night made me see, one day at a time, she mentioned something innocuous about Christmas and the tears just started flowing. It's so stupid to even think about it.

One day at a time. Don't engage with any nastiness and don't move out.

I’m glad you’ve got a friend for support op.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Please be strong and look after yourself.

Regardless of wether you looked through your dh’s underwear drawer or not, I feel his behaviour towards you is cruel and manipulative.

You know the funny thing was, I didn't go to huge lengths to sneak around his drawer and put it all back properly as I had every intention of telling him I'd had a quick glance and apologising.

Thank you

What was his previous relationship history?
I suspect there maybe clues to his behaviour there.

Very strange that he expects to stay in the house. Don't ask him to be kind to you - you need to see him as the enemy that he has seemingly become.

Get as much support as you can and keep your cards close to your chest.

I met him when he was 43 never married think longest relationship was 2 years. No dc.

I finished with him briefly near the beginning, as I discovered he had dipped in and out of adult type hook up sites, although not when he was with me, and I had read a couple of his previous write ups which seemed to me seedy.

I was cautious as OH before him was a horrible liar and deceiver.

He made massive play to get me back and said it was all part of his single past but I guess even all those years ago, it left it's mark.

He's never been unfaithful and I've certainly no reason to doubt him. Little things over the years, such as the concert tickets I've asked for reassurance on. I'm no snooper, Don't root through phones etc. No chance couldn't have lived like that.

I'd do anything to turn back the clock as my friend says who knows him, he's a good man and very kind natured. She thinks he can't keep up this nastiness and I need to wait until he's not so angry to discuss the finer points of the split.

I just saw how venomous he was last night re saying he wanted us to go and I'm terrified he'll keep that up.

And posters can call me pathetic and to grow up but I do feel scared. Incredibly lonely. Thursday we were still the tight knit little family we were.

The lack of sleep and waiting until the sun comes up isn't helping and I intend to sort that.

Op in my experience the questions wear you down as much as snooping does.

Adding to your post something did as a single man still demonstrates your need to present him as a 'type of man', even though you then follow it up stating he's Nd er chested etc.

He is cold as he's reached the end of his tether with all this and is protecting himself and his emotions- he needs time too as many pp have told you.

I will add that if he's paid most of the mortgage and the bills I can see why he wouldn't want to move out, but you need to have this discussion. Selling the house and splitting the equity may be a fairer option unless one of you can buy the other out or put a clause in as part of the financial settlement agreement. Who paid the deposit was it joint?

He sounds foul, tbh.

You’re shocked at the moment but I strongly suspect you’ll be happier without him.

Don’t leave your house.

'I will add that if he's paid most of the mortgage and the bills I can see why he wouldn't want to move out, '

Butterfly TBH I can too, and he paid most of the deposit although I have also contributed hugely in other ways and financially to, but I can see your point completely.

Is it possible that he's had is head turned by someone else?
His complete over-reaction could easily point to this.
Thinks he can get rid of you easily because you have done such a 'terrible' thing and you will agree to Anything out of sheer regret and guilt?
Good and kind men are capable of this when 'their' money is at stake.
As others have said - do not leave your house.

You need to see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you are still playing the victim - when people fall out of love & have the unfortunate task of doing the breaking up, they can become cold & distant. You don’t fall out of love in one day, it’s a gradual thing. It sounds like he was going through the motions towards the end. People are allowed to end relationships for whatever reason. The only way to learn & grow for this is to take responsibility & ownership for your role in the relationship’s demise.

As for him wanting to stay in the house - fair is fair for equality to be reality then we should have no issue with the male requesting the female partner to leave for unreasonable behaviour.

Re head turning - plenty of posters here have been stuck in unhappy relationships & developing a crush is the thing that pushes them to leave an unhappy home situation. Or maybe he feels suffocated & wants to be alone for awhile. Why are we painting this guy to be unfaithful & in the wrong here ?

I'm not quite sure what to think of, my instinct is that his behaviour is totally over the top
I wonder what would happen if he changes his mind and you stay together,say for instance you find something that worries you, but of course now you cant react given the threat of him leaving again
Whatever happens do not leave the house under any circumstances, I cant impress this enough on you, dont do it

As for him wanting to stay in the house - fair is fair for equality to be reality then we should have no issue with the male requesting the female partner to leave for unreasonable behaviour

And evict his child as well who will want to be with the primary carer ? Nope, the law doesn't allow that- although unfortunately as they are not married the OP needs to seek legal advice quickly although she is on the deeds.

The OP says it was a quick snoop- not part of some ongoing coercive or controlling behaviour. Perhaps he's done equally minor irritating things lately so she should argue he's unreasonable. This all seems very petty tbh and as you say likely he wanted out for a while.

You don't get to just remove your partner and child from their accommodation though, because it would be more convenient for you to 'be alone for a while'!

@prawnsword
Nothing wrong only sad if that is the case BUT it's the underhanded and foul way he is doing it - if indeed that is the scenario.